Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

Josh Fleszar said:
Depressed.
Lost my first ADV PL game and let every down.
Lost my chance to be in the Top 100 of GSC again.
Lost a ton on Gen 1, can't get ahead in Gen 4 Ubers, people harassing me in chat, my Orre Cup team sucks, and I feel like a fucking failure.

I already know people are just going to tell me the same shit, "pLaY tHe GaMe To HaVe FuN!!!!!! StoP dOiNg It If It MaKeS yOu UpSeT!!!!!!!!!"
I've heard it, just tired. Tired of coming to people to vent about this, sick of feeling like an outcast, sick of feeling like a failure.
I just needed some place to vent about all this. Crying and sniffling typing this all out. Might regret it, idk. Just fuck me I guess.
I don't know where the fuck to go anymore, idk who to talk to.
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This game sucks. There's an absurd amount of variance with some skill sprinkled in. Nobody bothers to understand anything that happens in a game because all that counts is whether you win or lose. And, it’s an extremely niche hobby that is essentially worthless to your life. So when people tell you to have fun with it, it’s something you should really take some time to ponder.

That being said, I think I understand where you’re coming from(trust me, more than I wish I did). We just want to win. We all want to excel at what we love. We just want to grasp that feeling of worth — that is to be human. Seeing you say you cried over this made me feel bad, especially since you seem to be my age.

First off, I think you should focus on one tier if you can, until you get the results you want there. Especially since you seem to be very competitive by nature, being all over the place isn’t going to help. You seem really into ADV. I’d recommend more of that since it’s an extremely active community and a very welcoming one as well (from my experience). The fact that you can juggle between all the tiers you listed is insane to me. Most gamers doing that are either extremely used to the game’s pattern recognition through past success or are just not taking things too seriously.

I have seen a lot of players grow over time by focusing on one tier, and it’s honestly amazing to watch because you get to see a real spark of personality, it is how i started playing too honestly.

I’m also not sure whether you really have a goal in mind with the game or if you’re just frustrated by losing. Either way, my real recommendation is to maybe try this video:


This is a video about shoonya meditation, which focuses on the death of ego. Everything in your post is spewing ego, like someone put a can of soda in a hydraulic press.

The meditation is only 10 minutes long (you can skip to 7:12) but I would recommend watching the whole video so you can better understand how it works. Of course anything that is convenient to you..

Take some time when possible to do the exercise, and then think about what you want from this game. Do you want people to think you’re good? Do you want to feel good about yourself? Do you just want to enjoy the feeling of winning? What is any of this bringing to you, really? What pushes you to keep going?

Try to respond with the first words that come to your mind. Talk to yourself for some time, maybe an hour or two.

We seriously don’t talk with ourselves enough. Not the self related to externals, but with the soul, with what you are feeling deep in there.

Anyway, if you come out of this with a path in mind, stick with it and feel free to PM me if you want any tips or teams in any tier, ill do my best to try to help when i can. I was going to PM initially, but i thought you may not see it + if this posts helps anybody else(i really love that meditation and do it frequently, love Dr K/healthygamer as a whole tbh can't recommend enough), that would be amazing.

I don’t know if I really helped with anything. I’m no therapist, nor can I express myself that well, just tried to talk about some of what has helped me. Of course, I’d also recommend considering therapy for any issues unrelated to the game if you feel you need support. I understand, though, if you feel hesitant about it. Wishing you and all others who have posted here the best
 
I once wrote about it but I noticed it again

I want things. When I get them, I am not very happy about it. I have a brief moment of joy, boredom and disappointment follow. The more I go through this, the shorter the joy becomes

It's to a degree where I kinda hope in the back of my head that I don't get what I want. Because it kinda feels better at this point to not get it

Big Ashley said it's basically just me rediscovering what Budha said but like, it still applies: I should stop wanting things with the expectation that they'll make me happy. If I divorce desire from expectations and just surf the waves, I'll probably be a lot better off. Not necessarily happier, because it's not the only positive way to feel, but just better
 
feeling the dad loss energy, im doing okay but have that "take a sec to let yaself feel energy" (his bday 12/9)

im almost mad i still let it get me year to year after he came and hugged me in a dream he appeared in and i woke up same position he hugged me on the edge of my be bed, mid cry (post eulogy) - but i know it mattered, and that was his message of "Goodbye/Thank you i love you" and whatever-isms in life handle these things let me see him for a reason. I almost feel im disrespecting his goodbye letting myself get sad; perhaps im way too hard on myself, but this time of year always gets me smh.
the whole family came up to me appreciating the eulogy, but i still miss him.
not tryna be sad but ofc its a thing you feel.
 
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Okay so, the last time I posted here was about 9 months ago. Many, MANY things happened ever since. In particular, I realize by the month of July that I gained about 15 kg, mostly likely due to my medications.
This led to me starting to go to the gym on a regular basis, about 2 times a week.

I can't stress enough how GREAT of an idea this was. Ever since, I feel so much better than before. It's like day and night. When autumn started, I was really worried about a possible deterioration of my mental health, especially because it happened since the last 4 years on a regular basis. Well, it didn't happen, and actually I felt even better than during the summer. Also, going to the gym is really addictive, because I keep track of my progress and can see my numbers slowly but surely increasing, and oh boy that I like to see numbers going up on a weekly basis.

And on another positive note, my psychiatrist finally told me to stop some of my medication! Not all of them, but I'm on the road to be finally fully done with this part of my life.

We're all at different points of our life obviously, but yeah, not so long ago I thought I'd be under medication my whole life, given the fact that I was relapsing again and again. Turns out I was wrong. This is a message to everyone struggling with mental health issues. Don't ever give up. Really. Your life matter, and you'll eventually see improvements. It may not happen instantly, and maybe that you'll not see the improvements at the beginning, but in the end you'll be rewarded for not giving up.
 
I wanna quit, but smogon becomes the only place in my life I get a single amount of friendship, so after I leave what is still in for me?

OK, I created a whole persona which pretends to be the person I wanted to be, in all metrics of life I’ve failed now unemployed, very low income in my business and facing the hardships of life alongside me not being able to do anything meaningful.

I wish I stopped been a burden to everyone around, I dream about disappearing everyday, I have reached a level of apathy I didn’t think was possible and no amount of therapy will change the fact I am poor and a burden to my family and society.
 
Mister Magnus said:
I wanna quit, but smogon becomes the only place in my life I get a single amount of friendship, so after I leave what is still in for me?

OK, I created a whole persona which pretends to be the person I wanted to be, in all metrics of life I’ve failed now unemployed, very low income in my business and facing the hardships of life alongside me not being able to do anything meaningful.

I wish I stopped been a burden to everyone around, I dream about disappearing everyday, I have reached a level of apathy I didn’t think was possible and no amount of therapy will change the fact I am poor and a burden to my family and society.
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You aren't any burden

If anything, we are here for you. Don't give up, you got this. Who knows, if you keep pushing, you might meet someone that will be that one. That one who will help you get back up and on your feet.

We don't want you to disappear

And you shouldn't be talking that way. One thing I learned from lots of experience is that a positive attitude helps with a positive outcome. So just try and see the good parts, and then I'm sure you'll make it somewhere great. Just keep pushing :swole:
 
Mister Magnus said:
I wanna quit, but smogon becomes the only place in my life I get a single amount of friendship, so after I leave what is still in for me?

OK, I created a whole persona which pretends to be the person I wanted to be, in all metrics of life I’ve failed now unemployed, very low income in my business and facing the hardships of life alongside me not being able to do anything meaningful.

I wish I stopped been a burden to everyone around, I dream about disappearing everyday, I have reached a level of apathy I didn’t think was possible and no amount of therapy will change the fact I am poor and a burden to my family and society.
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The hobby of Pokemon is one that you should only engage in if it's serving your best interests. If you find yourself not enjoying the hobby anymore, you are well within your rights to quit or take a break as you need to. You have one life, and while I understand you might be feeling low at this very moment, life is full of high highs and low lows.

The holiday period is a very self-reflective time in which we tend to focus on the parts of ourselves we dislike heavily or where we fell short in our lives. I know words alone do not fix your situation but please take solace in the fact that you are not alone in that experience. Your existence is valuable and the world is better for you having existed.

With that said, I will offer you this: if you created a whole persona that allowed you to be the person you wanted to be on Smogon, take a moment to think on what is stopping you from being that person in your own real life. It might be intimidating or more difficult to do so, but there is no amount of money that will allow you to be a different person - the only barrier to change is in your own expression. That does not mean that there aren't challenges in doing this, but it does mean that if you found a way to become the person you wanted to be through your "smogon" personality, possibly there is a way for you to recreate that for yourself irl.

Apathy is more dangerous than depression in all facets, and I understand these are just words that a supposed internet stranger is typing on a screen. But we all have one individual life, and even in the face of apathy, there is a possible version of yourself in 5-10 years from now that wants to thank you today for not giving up.
 
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I'm still living down here working my new job. It's been all well and good and I'm grateful and everything but I've experienced my first few signs of slipping over the holidays. Yesterday I got very little done even though I was trying and today I just hard overslept and started the day late. Thankfully nobody really cares (yet), but it's still rattled me a bit. In grad school I was never very reliable but could be reliable for a little while and then I'd inevitably crack at some point. I'm worried that I'll straighten back up for a few months and then crack again in a few more months, in a context where it actually matters.
 
I wouldn't consider this a vent, more like a ramble; a write-down of my feelings right now where I see myself in this game. Mentally, in the past I've come here feeling worse, but I think things are getting better, and I'm happy for it. Though, I want to talk a little more again about my Competitive Smogon Singles experience.

I honestly can't fathom how I can ever achieve greatness, or be respected/liked in this game. Sometimes I'm on fire and I feel like I'm on top of the world, other days I'm just average, or below average, and that kills me.
Playing this game my whole life and having a love for it like I do, I'm very disappointed in myself that what I want for myself in it feels so far away. I'm 0-3 in Mushi League, still losing to people I should be winning against, my gxe in GSC sucks, and RBY is so incosistent and it feels like I'm playing roulette more than Pokemon.

I've been a VGC player since 2017 and I have a ton more success there, winning some small tournaments in my state and getting Top 4 in a Premiere Challenge once with teams that use Pokemon I actually want to use...and it's frustrating I can't get the same community/competitive experiences here. I get this is fully online and it's a different meta entirely made up by people who aren't even related to GameFreak at all, but I still have that nagging, irritating competitive drive to prove myself, and especially prove to others who really shat on me when I first came here and had gripes with the meta/tiering.

I want to believe this year will be better. I've only been playing singles for 6 months so I can't really be too hard on myself. Hey, I didn't expect to make it to the Top 500 on the RBY, GSC, and ADV OU ladders last year...but idk, is that really being "excellent" to this community?

I really take to heart that message in the anime about being the best like no one ever was. I want to EXCEL at a tier. Multiple, even. It feels possible with my experience and what I've seen in myself sometime, but sometimes I really don't know what is defined as "the best" here somedays. Tournament success? ELO? GXE? People always tell me different things. I just want a definitive end-goal that states what "the best" means here, and I want to be able to understand if it's possible.

And...I want to get there. I just don't know if with the amount of people I've met and heard about from the history of this site if it's possible with as much competition I see. Like I consider myself to be good at Pokemon, but have I mastered it, in and out, and can I consider myself a contender for one of the best yet? When can I see that?

I've played Melee for a long time, about 10 years, and it's brutal. Even when you learn all the tech and practice your heart out, you still get squashed like a bug in tournament, and it's harder now with the availability of Slippi for everyone. Yet, Melee still seemed a lot more obtainable as a goal to be the best in said-game. I used to tell my friend "All it takes is 10 sets with 10 people, and you're the EVO champion." Meanwhile, what does it take for excellence here, especially in specific generations?

Just wanted to get this off my mind. I'm hoping to just, further my experiences from here, and my skill by any means necessary. It's a repeating thought in my head with this game, and I figured writing it all out would help ease some tension headaches haha
 
im coming up on the 5 year, i dont like to call it something like an "anniversary" cus that suggests positivity, but the 5 year of my dads passing (Guess Memorial is the better word). He died 2 months to the day of his 66th bday, far too young 12/9/19 *2 months later* 2/9/20
The one saving grace was I'm glad he missed Covid, i dont think I couldve been restricted from him then even tho it was hard for me emotionally to see him then (as he was sick).

NOW I say that and it seems heavy handed, but oddly recently my energy in life (outside dealing with what we all have to on occassion) has allowed me not just personal, but mental, and life peace so im onto that and looking at it as maybe that's my dads gift to me pushing 5 years later.
i still cant believe that. it cant have been that long, life & time really has no concern for a soul, it just ticks on.

lil side remark my sister put on Jelly Roll's song "Still My Hero" earlier (which is essentially about passed loved ones/dads) and i was like "I think my game needs me, cus i didnt have emotion on my docket at this exact second" lol
 
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Hey guys, I’ve felt down in the dumps lately. After I broke up with my abusive ex, my social life was in tatters and I missed her. I had been doordashing instead of getting a real job, so I was pretty broke. Then, I got a job working at an inner-city school, and experienced the happiest few months of my life.

I went to work every day with a smile on my face. I’d started late, and they took weeks to get me into the system, so I was working 30-40 hours a week outside of class catching up on grading. I also wasn’t paid jack. Despite this, the students loved me and I was the first good teacher they’d had. I have a Masters in math and a lot of teaching experience from teaching for a few years at a university part time.

Then, on November 7th, disaster struck:
I had been abusing hard drugs, in a large part because I was working all night and low on energy, but also because I was depressed from having zero friends and I do have a substance problem. The hard drug of choice for me is coke, which I was getting for very low prices.

After parent teacher conferences, I went out with a few other teachers. I was trying to impress them, and drank way too much. I don’t drink very frequently, but I was drinking way too much when I do.

At the third bar we went to, I got jumped. I did not do anything to cause this, I was grabbed from behind and choked out. Then thrown on the ground and called a homophobic slur. I’m a little gay and looked it that night. I messaged friends and asked to stay at their place, but they all turned me down. I decided to drive home instead. I did that more than I should have, but not that drunk.

On the way home, one of the other teachers was pulled over. Out of concern, and drunken stupidity, I pulled over too to make sure he didn’t get hurt. Another cop car came and I was obviously arrested. They found my coke and weed.

I yelled a bunch of slurs at the cop and when we got to the hospital, I tried to lie on the ground and call for help. The officer said I bit him, which I stg I didn’t.

I spent the next day in jail then my dad bailed me out. On Monday I was fired from my job after HR found out about the incident, potentially through the other teacher that was arrested.

He did not lose his job because he had just received a DUI.

Now, I feel very depressed. I am dreading working some dead end job that I will likely struggle to make friends with, and it’s humiliating to go from teaching to working a minimum wage tier job. I also am at an age where I want to start settling down and marrying, which is no longer a real possibility due to my financial class.

I’m currently on trial. I may lose my license, and in my city, there is no public transportation, so I will have to pay high fees to get an interlock in my car. I’m looking at a year and a half of probation.

I have mixed feelings about all this. I have gone one hundred percent clean since the incident. No more coke, weed, and alcohol at least. I still take Kratom which I’m praying won’t be on the drug test, and microdosing. But basically staying a more sober frame of mind.

I definitely feel like I deserved a punishment. But the worst thing I did to me was a DUI because I was more likely to hurt someone. And the other teacher was allowed to keep their job under the same circumstances minus the drugs. Even when I get this scrubbed off my record, it will be hard to get a teaching gig again.

And this isn’t really about the DUI but the coke. And the bullshit accusation I bit an officer. A cop in my city killed a pedestrian and got a fine.

And at the end of the day, I meant no harm. I just struggle with substance abuse, and instead of providing any help, I’m having the book thrown at me, and making my life harder. I’m glad I’m the most clean I’ve been in years, but being forced to work at McDonald’s or wtv I can find isn’t going to make it easier for me to stay that way. And if I breath wrong I get sent to jail.

And between being out of work, hospital fee from that night, lawyer fees, and everything else. I’m already in debt to my dad sm it’s gonna take ages before I earn enough that I’ll actually get to keep my money from my little paycheck

Please provide support or advice on the job search, or stories about overcoming other circumstances. I can handle the sobriety in a vaccuum, I have a lot of self control and won’t relapse.

I realized i had to break up with my abusive ex bc at the end, when I quit smoking, she was impatient and screaming at me constantly. And all I asked was that she have some patience and grace with me. I never complained once despite feeling in constant pain.

I’ll tryto respond to some of your guys’ later, so I can contribute because before this, I’d really improved my mental health. Starting from ground zero again is hard.
 
So i spoke to being in a bit better space mentality wise (obv last post was about missing Pops, we all human in that regard but outside that) ive been enjoying a pretty level headed, relaxing, life allowing peace realm for last couple months (outside missing pops whos bday was 12/9 and he passed 2/9/2020) idk what exactly poked my demon: "the truth" - i dont look at my demon as more than reality (and yes edited the post (confused..unflushed? feels? took over prior lol) however:
Sometimes "trees" need burning down and sometimes you might need to be your own igniter to change things.
Sometimes life will slap ya upside the head just to see if you respond to see if you truly want/deserve that progress.


(late edit, i need to stop early morning posts, as typo more than i blink simply because im tired. lol)
 
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I feel like a disappointment and liability to everyone around me and I have no logical reason for that. It gives me so much anxiety that it makes my stomach act up really really bad. People can look at me with the utmost neutrality or even positivity, and it's like the logical part of my brain recognizes that, but the raw, natural part of it feels venom and resentment

I genuinely don't know why, there's nothing in my life that triggered it, my medication didn't change, it just kinda happened from one day to the next. For the first time in my life, I feel uncomfortable going outside and being around people, I feel uncertain about contacting people that are close to me
 
Positive mental health update!!!

Things in life have really started looking up for me lately, in spite of the state of America and the world overall. The biggest thing is I just finished my first week of work! It's a very entry level job, not high pay and a hellish commute, but it is a job and everyone there seems very nice. Plus, the place I work for, without giving away too much detail, helps people who are receiving governmental assistance do stuff like job trainings, internships, and career-readiness workshops, so I find a lot of meaning in working here vs some big corporation. There's also a lot of small things that bring me a lot of joy, like I got really excited when they updated the staff directory and my Outlook account to list me as "Maia: Data Analyst" because that just makes it feel so real.

I've also picked up a new hobby! I've been learning to crochet, something I've wanted to learn for a while now. I'm still very much a beginner and not very good at it, but it's been really exciting to learn and improve at. More than anything, I really like the tangibility of it - I'm working on a very simple single crochet blanket but I can see it growing and being made as I work on it and that's just an incredible feeling.

Finally, I, unable to retire, have ended up as one of the leaders of the Smogon Tournaments Media project. It was originally something I was helping out with here and there since I had the time, but it's really grown into a big passion project for me. We've received tons of positive comments about this SPL between the article series we worked on and the YouTube videos, which is a big motivator to keep at it. I especially love seeing all the comments from people in the vein of "I'm new to Smogon/following SPL for the first time and the efforts put in have made it so hype and easy to follow" because that's truly what I want from this project. It's also in a good place work-life balance-wise because I have a bunch of incredible coleaders and passionate contributors who don't require me to be overseeing things largely by myself like I've dealt with in the past. Everyone working on it is so wonderful and works so hard to make it happen and I really couldn't be prouder of how it's taken shape.

Of course, things aren't perfect. My depression and anxiety didn't disappear overnight. I still have bad days and worse nights and a long, long way to go until I stop hating myself and everything I touch. Working full time has been a big adjustment for me too, because I'm used to being able to chat with friends all day and constantly be connected but now I'm out of the loop for 12 hours a day (work has a strict no phones policy except when you take lunch due to the volume of PII being handled). But all that said, I feel a lot better than I did even just a month ago and I really genuinely hope things keep improving :)
 
I am quitting Smogon.

I do not think my presence is needed in this community, nor do I feel like it will ever matter to anyone, nor will my efforts to get to the top be meaningful to me or anyone else.
The Smogon Community has made me undeniably more miserable, suicidal, and unwanted than any other competitive community I've been a part of. All it seems to be is a popularity contest. It doesn't matter about your passion to change the meta, make friends, be the best at something, think outside the box, come up with alternative ways to play the game, agree with a previous meta established before the current, or want to help a meta become more diverse; if you're not good at something, you have no opinion.

I've had good friends. Celdanami, ZPanther, Incognition, and udm were some of the nicest people I've met here, but even still, I feel like I can't continue on in a community where the majority of interactions make me fear for being seen as lesser, or bullied and gaslit into thinking I'm just not good.
I know how to play these games. I know the metas, and I understand why things are the way they are, even when I disagree with the asinine way of how a council executes them. I've been consistently Top 300 in RBY and Top 200 in GSC for only a few months after picking them up, advanced in their respective tours while handling my own against respectable well-known players, made it ranked to ADV and DPP, and I've become very proficient at teambuilding since I've started.
It truly feels like everything I've ever done was a detrimental mark on how people view me, and just isolated me more. I literally believe some of you people think I should kill myself, especially those in Mushi League.
I'm going back to VGC. I was able to meet real people, have fun convos irl at tournaments, bant about the meta and toss around ideas and never really get attacked for it, nor was I told to "play more" for my takes or conform to the current meta unless opinion sways like it does every once and a while among every tier. The Pokemon Company is the ultimate deciding point on what is acceptable in its games, and TPC would never allow for things to be run or decided like it has been in this community. This community has made my favorite generations of Pokemon a mess of very specific, hiveminded ideas of what a meta should look like, ESPECIALLY Gen 4, all while not having an objective standard to base such a meta off of, and actively ruined my enjoyment of the game due to behavior from others and from a constant dogpiling whenever there is a difference in perspective between myself and someone else.

I geniunely wish the worst for Smogon and for Showdown. I hope Nintendo takes Showdown down, and I hope they make it as hard as possible to make a cesspool like Smogon ever be able to thrive again.
 
Josh Fleszar said:
I am quitting Smogon.

I do not think my presence is needed in this community, nor do I feel like it will ever matter to anyone, nor will my efforts to get to the top be meaningful to me or anyone else.
The Smogon Community has made me undeniably more miserable, suicidal, and unwanted than any other competitive community I've been a part of. All it seems to be is a popularity contest. It doesn't matter about your passion to change the meta, make friends, be the best at something, think outside the box, come up with alternative ways to play the game, agree with a previous meta established before the current, or want to help a meta become more diverse; if you're not good at something, you have no opinion.

I've had good friends. Celdanami, ZPanther, Incognition, and udm were some of the nicest people I've met here, but even still, I feel like I can't continue on in a community where the majority of interactions make me fear for being seen as lesser, or bullied and gaslit into thinking I'm just not good.
I know how to play these games. I know the metas, and I understand why things are the way they are, even when I disagree with the asinine way of how a council executes them. I've been consistently Top 300 in RBY and Top 200 in GSC for only a few months after picking them up, advanced in their respective tours while handling my own against respectable well-known players, made it ranked to ADV and DPP, and I've become very proficient at teambuilding since I've started.
It truly feels like everything I've ever done was a detrimental mark on how people view me, and just isolated me more. I literally believe some of you people think I should kill myself, especially those in Mushi League.
I'm going back to VGC. I was able to meet real people, have fun convos irl at tournaments, bant about the meta and toss around ideas and never really get attacked for it, nor was I told to "play more" for my takes or conform to the current meta unless opinion sways like it does every once and a while among every tier. The Pokemon Company is the ultimate deciding point on what is acceptable in its games, and TPC would never allow for things to be run or decided like it has been in this community. This community has made my favorite generations of Pokemon a mess of very specific, hiveminded ideas of what a meta should look like, ESPECIALLY Gen 4, all while not having an objective standard to base such a meta off of, and actively ruined my enjoyment of the game due to behavior from others and from a constant dogpiling whenever there is a difference in perspective between myself and someone else.

I geniunely wish the worst for Smogon and for Showdown. I hope Nintendo takes Showdown down, and I hope they make it as hard as possible to make a cesspool like Smogon ever be able to thrive again.
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Well, I don't know you stranger, but I feel you are needed I myself know how you are exactly feeling, I myself have been very suicidal for around 2 years so the feeling itself knowing that another person is hating life, and hating the things we do is somewhat sad, and reassuring, in my case, we aren't alone we aren't the only one suffering, that doesn't atone for the suffering we go through does it? No, But it at least shows theres a bit of humanity in the world to reach out to others in times of desperation & calling. However I do suggest social isolation does exist, since I'm a partaker of it, so please, do talk to others, if your able it will help you a lot in this ideal for the suicidal thoughts. asfar as Smogon in itself I feel, isn't a more or less, unless you know the knowledge, you are useless, But Perhaps, it does open more doorways and such, there are still a lot of great forums non competitively related, and well, makes the fourm act like an actual form, which I do enjoy. I don't partake competitively on Smogon A lot, so I could be wrong. The feeling however is mutual If you still wish to quit Smogon I can indeed respect that, And Good luck wherever you fare. Take Care.
 
Josh Fleszar said:
I am quitting Smogon.

I do not think my presence is needed in this community, nor do I feel like it will ever matter to anyone, nor will my efforts to get to the top be meaningful to me or anyone else.
The Smogon Community has made me undeniably more miserable, suicidal, and unwanted than any other competitive community I've been a part of. All it seems to be is a popularity contest. It doesn't matter about your passion to change the meta, make friends, be the best at something, think outside the box, come up with alternative ways to play the game, agree with a previous meta established before the current, or want to help a meta become more diverse; if you're not good at something, you have no opinion.
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Just came across this post and wanted to chime in with some input of my own. Competitive gaming in any guise can create a false sense of purpose within a person that, without me diving too deep into what I believe in, I think is a very misleading lifestyle to live by. Long story short, if any competitive community, not just for video games either, is making you feel those things you mentioned, get as far away from the source of those feelings as you can, as fast as you can. Your value as an individual in real life, and your life in general is too important to be spent asking how you can constantly meet a social standard that’s impossible to fulfill. You won’t always be able to make everyone happy all of the time or perhaps be as “popular” or “reputable” in a competitive community as you would like, but that’s okay. Your own personal wellness and, well, real life, will always be more important.

Josh Fleszar said:
I geniunely wish the worst for Smogon and for Showdown. I hope Nintendo takes Showdown down, and I hope they make it as hard as possible to make a cesspool like Smogon ever be able to thrive again.
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I’m not going to ask you for respect’s sake what kinds of things you’ve heard from other people, but all I’m going to say here is shame on whoever’s been making you feel like this. Hateful comments and behaviors should be actively discouraged in a community like this. That being said, I also want to suggest that one part of Smogon doesn’t necessarily represent the entire user base, and that there will always be people here willing to talk to or listen to you if you’re going through difficult times. Whatever you decide to do, I have faith that you’ll be okay. You’ve got this. Just keep your head held high, okay?
 
Local Dog said:
I feel like a disappointment and liability to everyone around me and I have no logical reason for that. It gives me so much anxiety that it makes my stomach act up really really bad. People can look at me with the utmost neutrality or even positivity, and it's like the logical part of my brain recognizes that, but the raw, natural part of it feels venom and resentment

I genuinely don't know why, there's nothing in my life that triggered it, my medication didn't change, it just kinda happened from one day to the next. For the first time in my life, I feel uncomfortable going outside and being around people, I feel uncertain about contacting people that are close to me
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It's been getting better. I am slowly figuring out where these feelings came from and that helps me

However, man I fucking hate these stomach issues. I've been having them since 15 and they're always there once I get stressed. Been to many doctors but it's psychosomatic

Getting into fitness and eating healthy improved them a lot but I still sometimes pass out on the toilet from the pain I feel
 
So. I started a new job on Monday. That normally wouldn’t be enough for me to want to write a post or two about it, but the fact is that I made a discovery about my free time lately. Part of the reason I wanted to have my first “real job” alongside my embarrassing lack of hours at my part-time job was just so I could get out of the house more. As it turns out, I find that I’m actually less stressed out when I’m busy than when I do have free time, and looking back, that makes so much sense! I’ve been telling my family for years that I want to be able to enjoy my free time, but when I do get some of it after all my chores are done and I have all these choices of what to do, the lack of clarity around how much free time I exactly have is what gets me stressed out to begin with.

I like knowing how much free or busy time I will have so that way I can try and plan ahead and around, and as luck would have it, when I am busy, I feel comfortable because there’s generally a clear, structured path for me to follow. There’s an end goal, usually a pretty linear path on how to reach it, and I have a set amount of time to accomplish whatever the task might be. Maybe it’s my autism-OCD-ADHD triple crown doing the talking, but I just think it’s strange how that’s the most effective way I can find some of the organized structure and communication I’m looking for in my life. Whereas when I have free time, my brain wanders all over the place and I quickly start feeling like a computer with way too many tabs open. (We all know that one person who does that.)
 
It's crazy; and this will sound silly like "We should all know this" but still that isn't always true, I like Juggalo music doesn't mean I always wanna hear ICP.. but recently got back into my punk side and depending the mood i throw on different bands throughout my day (the ska and like skate/hardcore punk ones really been hitting lately --- but even in later night i've enjoyed some crossover thrash or even grindcore/death metal) and as odd as it sounds it's like my brain was like...

"hey remember you being the skater/jackass/etc kid and thats all where we learned it from?" and now years later been a peaceful zen (yes even the more extreme side haha - music is just my "peace blanket")

all that to say it's been one of those "Put it on; even if the day is annoying, and you'll be good homie" vibes. Punk has always served well lol


sidenote: my left wrist has really been a problem for months now and its def a mix of how i sleep/work (cant blame work, tend to use my left hand to hold my cover in my sleep - it gets worked over) -- i need to find some wrist yoga stuff to make sleep easier now too lol.

desperate question: is anyone else a side sleeper/half-belly sleeper with no idea what to do with either arm?
right shoulder hates mes, and left wrist would sacrifice me given a chance lol.
 
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Local Dog said:
It's been getting better. I am slowly figuring out where these feelings came from and that helps me

However, man I fucking hate these stomach issues. I've been having them since 15 and they're always there once I get stressed. Been to many doctors but it's psychosomatic

Getting into fitness and eating healthy improved them a lot but I still sometimes pass out on the toilet from the pain I feel
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yureion said:
It's crazy; and this will sound silly like "We should all know this" but still that isn't always true, I like Juggalo music doesn't mean I always wanna hear ICP.. but recently got back into my punk side and depending the mood i throw on different bands throughout my day (the ska and like skate/hardcore punk ones really been hitting lately --- but even in later night i've enjoyed some crossover thrash or even grindcore/death metal) and as odd as it sounds it's like my brain was like...

"hey remember you being the skater/jackass/etc kid and thats all where we learned it from?" and now years later been a peaceful zen (yes even the more extreme side haha - music is just my "peace blanket")

all that to say it's been one of those "Put it on; even if the day is annoying, and you'll be good homie" vibes. Punk has always served well lol


sidenote: my left wrist has really been a problem for months now and its def a mix of how i sleep/work (cant blame work, tend to use my left hand to hold my cover in my sleep - it gets worked over) -- i need to find some wrist yoga stuff to make sleep easier now too lol.

desperate question: is anyone else a side sleeper/half-belly sleeper with no idea what to do with either arm?
right shoulder hates mes, and left wrist would sacrifice me given a chance lol.
Click to expand...
I sleep on my stomach so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ normally just tuck my hands on each side that they rest in so I don't wake up with a cramp from hell from my hand being like 120 degrees lmao
 
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(TRIGGER WARNING) (I'm talking about my reasoning for not posting anything in here besides just off topic things, and still haven't posted my story, there are a few triggering moments.)












I






Well, I'm come to a sort of decision, I'd like to vent my story here, but I'm worried to do so, It's quite horrfic, and those that have heard it, often where speechless and didn't talk to me till the next day. And most of my sharing of it, was only so that I could get an answer to save my soul from this terrible lifestyle as well as vent, perhaps in the end it's not about getting an answer, I don't know what would come out with me sharing, The story is quite much to take in, and I myself having lived through it, have had a changed perspective, for better or for worse. I eventually vented it on Pokémon Showdown, to friends I had, which was, a terrible idea, but being left with no options I couldn't face that pain anymore alone. I eventually started just spamming that I wanted to take my life in THP in hopes someone would message me and help me, Of course they banned me, and that's the right thing to do in that scenario, the purpose of this message isn't to hate on THP or yet again really get an understanding why they did that. I know why they did that and it was justified I guess, but to overall give me a sense of what direction do I take this in. I ought to feel that they at least should try to help me. I don't know, it's a "happy place isn't it?" besides giving me a hotline link that is controlled by volunteered people, that also cannot help me. (I actually tried it at least 50 times.) Therapy is sadly out of the question. And I just keep falling further and further, I probably just say I want to kill myself these days, because it's a coping response and I have nothing else to face to an ideal of help, and
that in the end probably wouldn't just threaten others that I would if this continues, on and on, in other words, just threatening them to help me or I die, I don't know if I'm manipulative or not because of this, At this point you've broken at least 10 barriers of what the meaning of "Pain is"
And cannot realize how worse it can get till it furthers in.
If I feel discomfort after sending this, I'll probably delete it in the future. And No, I don't expect a answer back, not that because I think poorly of you, It's just a lot to take in by the end of the day, and I respect you if you, do, or don't reply.
But by the end of the day, I don't want people just replying because they feel bad for me, I will not take sympathy.
I really don't know anymore of this world, or it's ideals, or ideas, everything is hazy and quite unknown I do not know of myself, my friends or the intent of others.
Who knew Fiction could do this to you??
-DKG.
 
I was watching a vid earlier about the how mentality "Men don't cry" being BS from a sports realm broken down into a mental & societal breakdown (i'll link it, it was pretty damn good)


I say this to say as a younger soul I was always the one in tune with my emotions (which is funny cus its somewhat counter to this video, but ends up at the same goal and mental fortitude) and got given stuff cus I was (back then i was overweight) big kid, into art/music (albeit still good at sports but to shy/out of shape to try out for my school teams, i played organized elsewhere where school shitheads werent an issue) - but over years i felt my ability to be, stand strong in, understand others, and be there for emotion(ally) started being taken advantage of.
Talked about my years of the ex stuff/homeless awhile/fam burdens(/not to mention losing 140+lbs and knowing im above the fickle ridicule too) etc PLENTY here won't beat anyone over the head with it anymore - but after awhile it made me.... well.... quite fucking angry.

*and here is where my point lies* being able to be emotional is POWERFUL if you learn to channel it (as said video says - but if the only one you have mastered is "Anger" shows you're still emotionally immature, some take well into middle age to outgrow this; hell some never do -- video talks about it.)
I'll be the first to admit I lost my way for awhile and forgot how to be my "Sensitive but firm" man my grandpa & father esp taught me to be after years of hurt but coming back seeing that video felt like "Sometimes life just lobs ya things ya now ya needed to see"

My lady told me herself when we watched it earlier: "So you're telling me I just needed to make a youtube video about it with football references for you to get it?" (Anger is reserved for the world/goals blocked by it; never my lady & family lol) and i ofc apologized and thanked her for being so patient.
We shared a laugh with it before the "Okay cuddle time" zone lol.
 
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