Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Lily]

warning: long, extremely rambly. kinda personal and overall uncoordinated post ahead

Spoiler

disclaimer: i've never been diagnosed with depression. i've never really been allowed to get / able to afford professional help, so most of the healing i've done has been with the help of friends. as such, none of the following post is clinically backed, but hopefully that shouldn't be important.

a few of my closer friends on here know that I've never had a great relationship with my parents. it's not nearly as bad as some people... they still provide for me, ensure i'm (physically) healthy and i do believe deep down that they're good people. regardless, good people do bad things, and in this case they've done a lot.

for as long as i can remember, my dad has been pretty mentally torturous. it's been years of constant verbal abuse in the form of shouting, insulting, or otherwise ridiculing me in front of myself, family, friends, and anyone else he could find, and he's made it no secret that i'm the "disappointing" one of my siblings. this was due to a number of factors, largely boiling down to the fact that i was always pretty useless at menial tasks like yardwork or whatever, so he'd get mad at me pretty often while my siblings excelled. combine that with the fact that he's technologically illiterate and i spend a lot of time online and... yeah, you get the idea. regardless, he's mellowed out a little bit towards me as i've gotten older.

my mother was always a lot more patient with me when i was a kid than my dad was. she tried to teach me the things i couldn't do that i'd get ridiculed for being incapable of, and she tried to make sure i was okay whenever i'd get upset because of it. she was very sick while i was growing up (i don't know exactly what the issue was, my parents kept it from us though, i'm guessing that they didn't want to scare us) and spent most of her days lying in bed or in the hospital. it's kinda terrifying looking back at it, sometimes she'd flare up and my dad would panic, but he'd never say anything and it's kinda obvious why because if you told a 6 year old that their mother was at risk of death they wouldn't react well. this obviously took a mental toll on him and it became much more clear as the years went on. the extent of her daily movement was pretty much getting out of bed in the morning to wake my siblings & i up so that we'd get ready for school, and then taking us to and from school before going back to bed. it was pretty bad now that i think about it but idk it never felt that way when i was a kid.

as i started growing up, things got worse. my mother's physical health thankfully got a lot better (it's still pretty poor but she can perform daily functions now) but the same can't really be said for her mental. her temper was and is incredibly short and the slightest things (think misplaced object, slightly untidy bedroom etc.) will set her off for days and leave her hurling insults & actual physical things around in order to prove some sort of point, then she plays a victim card abt how nobody helps her or anything and that's why she's so destructive. she's become bitter and selfish and masks it under a guise of wanting the best for everyone else which is very, very clearly not the case.

when i mentioned my dad mellowing out towards me, that unfortunately didn't apply for his state in general. when he stopped directing his anger towards me, he started directing it towards my mother, and they've now been teetering on the edge of splitting up for about two-three years. most of that is blamed on me for being dysfunctional and antisocial, rather than their own issues of being incompatible assholes. i probably don't help matters by being sassy and fighting back, but after years of being their punching bag and crying every day i got sick of it. nowadays they both dislike me.

this... awkward dynamic with my parents resulted in a lot of difficulties in the outside world when i was growing up. i never actually learned how to socialise with people because my siblings and i had nothing in common, so none of them really liked me until we got older. once it came to preschool i didn't interact with anyone bc i was terrified of them, and it wasnt until what would be the equivalent of first grade that i made my first friend, who would later be ripped from me in a car accident that happened right in front of me and marks what was undeniably the worst day of my life. i got better at this stuff as time went on, and i ended up actually being reasonably popular by the time i finished secondary school (high school) albeit very quiet. this was all later taken away by the pandemic which brought my irl friend count to a whopping zero, but that's not rly a topic for today.

heres where we get to the part that makes me feel worse. ive always felt like am a terrible friend because im too scared to reach out to people whenever i do wanna talk, which isnt often to begin with because ive effectively been forced to stay silent all my life and it's just become normalised. a lot of my friends think i dont like them because i rarely message them unless im worried about them, and i dont really have any explanation most of the time but it sure does make me feel shitty. ive also projected my problems onto people a lot when they dont deserve it because i dont really have many outlets at all now that i can't go anywhere (i havent left my house for more than essential shopping since march) and it just makes them uncomfortable and they feel pressured to "fix me" when that responsibility isnt theirs to begin with. i'm sorry to anyone i've done this to, you know who you are and i hope i haven't caused any damage that can't be repaired. at the same time, im sorry to anyone whos tried to confide in me and been bit in the hand. i try my best to help anyone i can, but sometimes it doesnt work. it was never my intention to hurt but i managed to do it and thats all that really matters at the end of the day i guess.

on the other hand ive managed to help a lot of people out with their own struggles, which is not only amazing for them but also has the added benefit of making me feel a bit less useless. that's kinda selfish of me but i think it's worth recognising that helping others is a good thing and that people deserve to feel good after doing it. having a pretty tough life has made it possible for me to empathise with a lot of issues people face, and in a weird way im kind of thankful for it as a result lol.

i have a lot more that i feel like saying, but im running out of steam and my thoughts are really clouded, so maybe i'll make another post another time. i don't feel as bad as i used to anymore. ive made wonderful friends both here and elsewhere that have helped me with so much, and they really mean the world to me. a special thank you to my boyfriend who has been the biggest positive influence in my life - he'll probably never read this but who knows, maybe i'll send it to him at some point. much love to the rats too, you guys know who you are lmao i love you so much.

that really had zero direction and substance and was pretty much just word vomit now that i look at it, but i feel a little better after writing it. thanks to anyone who reads it in full, and thanks for this thread in general.

keep your head up. you'll be okay.

 

[zioziotrip]

Where to start. I've been having issues with depression and anxiety for a number of years usually stemming from a lot of self-deprecation and lack of knowing the meaning or purpose of my life. Idt these are very uncommon issues but a few events in recent times have made my issues exceptionally worse. I have I've kept these feelings bottled up for a long ass time outside of tidbits in dms and I just need somewhere to rant.

From a young age, I've had a great amount of expectation placed on me by my parents and peers. Both were great students w/ good careers and as the first child, it was my duty to carry out the wishes of my parents to go down the same path. At first, this was fine and dandy. Elementary school was a breeze for me. I was two years ahead in math and capable of reading middle school level books by second grade. I found math and english both exceedingly easy and performed proportionally well on tests. I was placed in a program for "advanced students" called Magnet. I ended up opting out because simply being a good student didn't interest me at all. School to me was just somewhere to read books and meet others.

Come middle school, life took a turn for the worse. I started to really question what the point of learning all the nonsense in school really is. This led to me not really having the motivation to do much. I thought it was fine rocking As and Bs but to my parents that was underperforming based on their expectations. There was a lot of verbal abuse over basically nothing, it felt like a lot of the time they would look for something so they could take out their frustration on me. Whenever they decided to drink it got worse and worse. As time went on there were more and more awful events that resulted from their drinking. My mom has threatened divorce several times even having episodes where she would take off for several days w/o contact and by the third time, it was expected for her to return. The first two times were beyond terrifying and saddening. Some other events include my mother getting so loud in a hotel room that police were called, my mother then tried to get my father arrested over absolutely nothing and as a 14 y/o I had never been more stressed than fending off two cops from arresting my dad. There was an incident in 3rd grade when I was thrown down half a flight of stairs for tying one of my shoes wrong but luckily threats of the CPS were enough to ward off physical violence.

I started to ponder why this was happening to me. It led to me believing that I was an incredibly shitty person and all the shitty things to happen to me were par for the course. Still absolutely sick of school and how constricting it felt I continued to do mediocre. Unless around one of very few trustable friends I would put up a stoic facade. I thought that my true rambunctious nature and appreciation of strange anime/books was something I had to keep hidden. As somewhat of a tech-savvy person I turned to the internet as an outlet for my frustrations and niche interests. If around during the net around 2012-2016 you're surely aware of its less than appropriate nature. It added a lot of words to my vocabulary that got me in trouble and mixed w/ the wrong crowds. Luckily, I've met a lot of people from different walks of life as Detriot and its surrounding area is home to a lot of wonderful individuals. Two of my close friends had come out as bisexual and trans respectively by freshman year and I'm incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to correct the horrible shit the net had taught me. I'm still absolutely disgusted by some of the shit that I had experienced through the net in early life but I can't say it was a net negative. I could finally discuss my hobbies w/o fear of being mocked and meet great people I'd never come across in normal life.

While still a little hesitant on why I was really here come Sophmore year tragedy hit. 3rd quarter had just ended and it was business as usual in first hour until a voice came on the intercom. "--- is in critical condition from a car accident..." It all was blurry from there. One of my best friends since childhood had been run over while biking home from school. While I had family pass away previously, it was nothing like this. One day me and them were laughing about w/e nonsense enjoying youth then suddenly they were gone. I was utterly devastated. Old thoughts of doubt and misery crept their way back. I started to really wonder if life was worth living. I had absolutely no aspiration in life and still don't. I felt like a dead man walking day after day. I had nothing to look forward to and the stress of it all was finally starting to get to me. I had rope on standby in my room which once during a really bad night I came close to using. Two weeks into the loss quarantine was called.

The last quarter of sophomore year would be happening in quarantine. With no hope for my future, I spent all day dicking around, anything but school work. I wanted to condemn myself. There was a point where I was being passed complete work and I didn't turn it in. This is around when I got involved in mons. With a shit ton of time suddenly on my hands, it was a natural conclusion. I had already come back for SS after a hiatus I took early SM. My work was finally being appreciated, it felt nice. Whenever I would do something of worth irl it felt like that was the bare minimum expected of me leaving me w/ absolutely no satisfaction. I have realized in recent times mons is a terrible coping mechanism. I'm now a quarter into junior year finding myself in a similar spot that I was last year. I have more assignments not done than done.

It's now peak quarantine w/ my area having a resurgence. Where I live is a massive hotspot so I haven't been able to see friends in months and it's really starting to weigh down on me. I had a conversation w/ all of them yesterday with two seriously considering a suicide pack. I'm doing absolutely everything in my power to make sure that doesn't come to fruition but goddamn I need a break. I can't go a week w/o some nonsense drama between my parents and being the mediator is driving me fucking crazy. I feel like any day could be the day I snap and I’ve def had outbursts, apologies to all that have to put up w/ me during those times. I’ve done a lot of thinking and decided I need to step away from everything to do some self-reflection, and hopefully some school work/actual work along the way.

I think I've made some realizations in my life. I think most importantly, holy shit life is insufferable at times. Nobody owes you anything nor do they have any reason to care about you. There is just a lot of frankly bullshit unfair things about how the world runs but c'est la vie. Life won't adjust to you if you complain hard enough, you have to take the good w/ the bad. Also, life is way too short to get stuck on small things. Frankly, people that search for perfect people and condemn those who don't fall in line really piss me off. We're all here for different reasons and constant shitslinging is no way to live. I try to accept that people have imperfections but to each their own ig.

I don’t regret my time back in mons, on the contrary. I’ve meet a lot of great people and had a lot of fun w/ mons for a time. I plan on returning at some point but rn I need to get my life on the right track and mons is simply a distraction atm. Big love to all the homies, thanks for listening to my rant.

 

[rien]

I would be ashamed if my father learned that I went to an other doctor for no reason, only because I was worried. I could finally go to a visit myself without letting my parents know but it's something I never did before and which looks difficult to do without knowing how it works.

responding to this part quickly, an emergency doctor is not qualified to determine whether you have skin cancer or not. if you have a history of skin cancer within your family and you're genuinely worried that you might have it too, then you should see a licensed dermatologist ASAP (in fact, you should go to a dermatologist once every few years for a general inspection, and i'm assuming you haven't seen one in a while so it's a good time to do that). good luck.

 

[Apagogie]

responding to this part quickly, an emergency doctor is not qualified to determine whether you have skin cancer or not. if you have a history of skin cancer within your family and you're genuinely worried that you might have it too, then you should see a licensed dermatologist ASAP (in fact, you should go to a dermatologist once every few years for a general inspection, and i'm assuming you haven't seen one in a while so it's a good time to do that). good luck.

I finally went to a dermatologist the 26th october during the evening. I have nothing. Sorry to not have updated my post, I was just paranoid.
Thank you for being worried for me.

 

[Rabia]

I definitely posted in here at some point, but I want to organize some thoughts of mine in a somewhat more coherent way. The content in here isn't good or fun, so don't read if traumatic events are upsetting to you.

Hide

The last ten or so years of my 21-year-old life have been pretty not great. Family life has been more or less good, and I can never take that for granted, but everything else in my life has been rather unstable, discomforting, and mentally exhausting.

The transition from elementary to middle school was tough for me. I've always been the quiet kid because I'm awkward as all fuck and generally don't have a whole lot to say, and so I didn't really have a lot of friends because I just wouldn't make the effort to talk to people. I had a couple of really good friends towards the end of elementary, but heading into middle a few of them were no longer present, and so my friend group had been incredibly diminished. The situation worsened because this transition into middle school involves all the hells of puberty and people trying to figure out who they are, and at one point my closest friend sort of just dipped because I guess I wasn't cool (he wasn't wrong LMAO). Social life at this point was generally just not good because I didn't have many people, if anyone, to talk to, and so I felt particularly lonely much of the time. Eventually, this all sorted itself out and we were cool again, but it was probably one of the first big wake up calls for me that life is not always good.

I'd say the second big event was dealing with the divorce of my parents and the ensuing aftermath. Unlike my brother, I didn't have the benefit of being extremely young when my parents separated, and so I had much more of an emotional connection to my biological dad than he did. The rough part of all this comes when I'm heading into high school, though, and my mother is prompting me about the prospect of being adopted by my step dad. I was heading into an IB program, and so there was a lot of stress here because IB absolutely kicks your ass with work load, expectations, and whatnot, but I also really just didn't know how to feel about the idea of being adopted here. It felt weird to me because I wasn't really close to my step dad at all, and if anything had more negative feelings than positive feelings towards him because boy in puberty = hormones flaring = bad. I felt I was almost being pressured into agreeing to the idea, but I couldn't ever give an answer because I just didn't fucking know. So for an entire summer I was contended with the next four years of my life being extremely important school-wise in addition to this whole adoption thing. Not fun.

The really shitty parts probably come from my first two real relationships. I don't care to get into too much detail here because it really isn't necessary, but the tl;dr is essentially that being gaslit sucks and being emotionally and sexually abused is bad. Read into that as you will.

People preach about there being a light at the end of the tunnel and that pain will go away. I disagree. I think trauma is inherently permanent because of how it continues to manifest itself in your day-to-day life, constantly reminding you of past events that now shape who you are today. Maybe this isn't necessarily a bad thing; maybe enduring these hardships will help me down the road. But for now, I don't really have a lot of motivation to keep on going on. Feels pretty pointless.

To those of you dealing with similar issues, though: don't be like me. Don't give up. Not everyone is as mentally weak as I am sometimes. Let me be the exception and you set the norm for how recovery is possible. It'll be alright, just chill. :]

 

[vivalospride]

I glossed over a lot and probably didn't say everything I wanted to say but idrc and don't have the brain capacity to read this back.

badabing

I never thought I'd make a post here because I wear all my problems on me like fuckin tattoos anyways, however right now I am feeling a lot of things and I feel like writing something here is my best bet at getting through what I'm feeling w/o killing myself.

I don't really feel like going over my life story so I'm really just going to be trying my best to describe what I consistently feel. I will inevitably bring shit up to further elaborate on how I feel though.

When I was five my little brother was born, and he was born with something called Pfeiffer Syndrome. To skip the vast majority of the details, being born with this would have an immeasurable impact on anybody's life. It's common for siblings of kids in situations like this to feel somewhat isolated from the rest of the family because of how much attention is necessary for the kid in question, and I definitely did feel that way. This is of course not me blaming my parents and obviously not in a million years blaming my brother for how I feel but I believe this is where the root of my anxiety is. Basically what I'm saying is I've felt extremely alone my entire life even when I'm not alone physically, I've generally always had to just figure my feelings out on my own with nobody I was comfortable or even remotely close enough with to talk about them with.

Eventually once some stuff happened and I stopped pursuing things I was passionate about, I ended up pretty much neglecting any even remote sign of emotion I had within me, and this lasted pretty much all throughout high school. I was basically a walking corpse for about 4-5 years and honestly it had a pretty large impact on my personal values and just who I am as a person today despite not being in the same corpse/robot-like condition. Once I graduated from high school and was no longer forced to be around people all the time, I started realizing just how empty my life was and how little joy I ever felt, and funnily enough this site was probably the turning point for me in terms of feelings things again. When I really got into this site I just had so much free time and was genuinely interested in just playing mons like a fuckin pansy ass pussy boy, I ended up forming relationships with people in no time and for the first time in years I felt like I had cared about some shit.

If I haven't spelled it out enough yet, words/phrases that would best describe the things I consistently feel or have a constant fear of feeling are:
- Unwanted
- Unloved
- Alone
- Not good enough
- whatever else falls under this category

For a brief description on how I am as a person, I am very hard on myself. I try to be better every day but I make it extremely difficult for myself when I have very little patience for myself. The years of only ever feeling apathy did not entirely fade either though, if it's not something that doesn't directly at least poke at one of the words/phrases listed above then I probably don't have the energy to feel much of anything towards it. I still have a really hard time finding joy in much of anything, except spending time with people always makes me really really happy these days. The issue is there's not always gonna be people to hang out with or talk to, in fact more often than not there's nobody. The past few years I've fought really hard to improve with these insecurities and I'm well aware that it all starts with a solid foundation of self love, because all that bullshit people spew about not being able to love others before you love yourself really really really is true, and I think if you truly love and trust yourself you wouldn't be insecure about the vast majority of shit people are insecure about, obviously myself included. I've gotten a lot better, and my social anxiety is not even remotely close to as bad as it used to be either, but the past week or two I've been feeling really bad as if I'm regressing and I don't know what to do.

To say I don't give a single shit and that I give way too many shits would both be completely accurate, and it's fuckin confusing and frustrating.

I have no real concrete aspirations of any sort and it really only bothers me when I'm having a mental breakdown because it's a jelly bean on the scale for "bro just kys". It wouldn't be a huge stretch objectively to say I have nothing to live for and nothing that really makes me happy that stems from myself, and I need to find something that fills that quota or at least helps me find something that fills that quota. The main issue is that I'm either cruising or completely manically depressed, there's never any real sense of happiness that lasts longer than a handful of minutes/hours, never any signs that I should look forward to the future, even when progress seems to be made it always feels like it can crumble at literally any moment or that it's already started to crumble and there's nothing but anxiety ahead. In simple terms; there's never any highs, not a TON of lows but the lows really fuckin suck, and the rest is just neutral.

I've always been able to handle the more tangible shit in my life pretty well, when my grandpa died about a year ago I had a pretty healthy outlook on it and was able to be strong for my family, when I got in a really bad car accident that totaled my car and badly injured people a few months ago I was praised by firemen there for my calm demeanor and how I handled everything, and when someone I knew died at 20 about a week 1/2 ago I was just trying to be there for the mutual friends moreso than worrying about myself because I knew I'd be okay even if it hurt. As someone that knows what it's like to feel completely alone with nobody to go to, I want to be in everyone's corner and support them so they don't feel the same way I have. But often times my own issues with myself can get in the way of that and no matter how calm I can be in these situations I am still completely and utterly incapable of coping with my own anxiety and feelings of isolation.

At the end of the day something will eventually click in my brain whether it be due to thought or experience, I will get better. It's just that sometimes it gets really really difficult to convince myself to stay alive. For now though, writing this headass post on this headass website occupied my brain long enough to calm down and everything is fine, surely. Thank you to this website for helping me progress as an individual though and special thank you to Amane Misa for being the first person I was confidently able to convince myself genuinely loves and cares about me and smth like that has a greater impact than you can really ever understand.

 

[Band]

Haven't posted here in a while.

1

In august, I went out to the park with other 2 friends to drink and celebrate one of them managing to join uni. I took 2 bottles of wine, but only 2 of us could drink them as the other friend was about to have surgery (it was cosmetic, thank god) and couldn't drink. As we were talking I was the one that would constantly keep drinking the wine, and it got to a point where I finished a whole bottle by myself. My friends weren't as impressed, seeing as I'm a pretty heavy drinker, but I drank basically 1L of wine all by myself. I got kinda tipsy, we laughed it off, and I went home. As soon as I arrived I got that feeling of "holy shit I'm gonna puke".

Some context for you: I used to go to the prefecture last year after my noon classes around 5pm on wednesdays. I'd go with some friends, we'd smoke, get high, and drink. One day, I got very fucked up and came back home watsed af. My parents lost all the trust they had in me and drinking became a big issue for them. I drank because I just didn't want to think about what was happening at home. My dad was unemployed and my mom didn't have a stable salary, so we had to live with my grandma. They would argue all the time about my dad not getting a job as he was trying to build his own company and was not making any money yet. It was hell. I started to put all this pressure on me to get a job or study harder so I had better chances to enter uni and it was brutal. Between the drinking, hiding from them that I smoke cigarretes to alleviate my anxiety, my own pressure and feeling of guilt by not being able to help financially and my parents no accepting me as bisexual, last year was fucking rough.

Back to this year, when I got home I puked and felt like the most worthless piece of shit. Quarantine broke me and my self-esteem, I felt like I was only draining my parents financially and was just a burden to everyone around me. I considered killing myself, but I was too scared to do it. My mom found me in the toilet and got super mad which just made me feel even shittier. I helped her clean the bathroom and then went to my room. She already knew about my struggles with drinking and anxiety and I think that was really the breaking point for her. She came into my room and sat down for a talk with me. I cried and explained to her everything. She understood it all and we decided I should go back to therapy (imo i should've never stopped going, but we couldn't afford it). Some weeks later I started therapy and did some sessions with a psychiatrist. She prescribed me a medication for mood swings (I would either get very irritated at stupid things or just feel sad and worthless all the time, not wanting to get out of bed for the rest of the day) and anxiety.

As of now, I'm doing better than before, but not as much. I still have some days where I feel kinda down and don't really want to do anything, but I force myself to do basic stuff like brush my teeth and do my bed. Smogon has helped me a lot, between having the guys in the translations forum to chat and get my mind off of things and everyone else just being good people in general. I'm really glad I got to meet a lot of people here in such a short amount of time (this acc is old but I'm 18 so you can do the math), being here for roughly only 4 months. I'm looking forward to the future and I hope I can contribute as much as I can to Smogon in the meantime.

There's a lot that I'm probably missing, but idrc, just wanted to do an update for myself.

 

[Ardy]

Hey idk what the rules are for posting in this thread so sorry in advance if I do sth wrong

Hide

I've recently relapsed into my old depressive habits really hard. I was actually having a pretty decent 2020, and keeping positive, but in the space of 3 weeks, I lost my job, got evicted, and my boyfriend broke up with me. To add to that, my drummer got stuck in north carolina right before my band was supposed to record a demo tape, so what I usually find solace in (music) was off the table as well. Now Im sharing a room in a basement with two other people, crying almost every day, eating nothing but junk and Im pretty sure all my friends hate me due to how much I whine to them. Its a hard fucking pattern to break, and I joke that, if nothing else, its kinda funny how efficiently my life has fallen apart. The future seems bleak, and god, life is just so fucking long, and idk what to fill that time with. Its crazy.
Lately Ive been listening to I Wanna Get Better by Bleachers a lot. I dont know what it is about that song, but it just makes me feel less broken for about 3 minutes 24 seconds. And its really made me rethink where I want to take my life from here.
I quit cigarettes on tuesday. Ill probably be back on them soon, but for the time being Ive sworn off (and my being broke is probably gonna help me stay off lol). And it felt like progress. Ive been smoking on and off for about two years, (Im 19, by the way), but this year it got really fucking bad, at my peak I was going through a pack a day. Didnt help that my boyfriend was as bad as I was, and sometimes we'd skip sex just to smoke a pack together.
Ive got a new job as of tomorrow. Its way less hours than Id like, but it will make me enough to let me move out of this shitty basement by december. Im going to start looking for a new drummer (youd think there would be more in nyc), and maybe a new guitarist and bassist too. Leave all trace of the past behind and make something new.
Right now all I want is to just get this stupid demo tape out. Ive been working on these songs for two years now. Its my passion in life, and all I want to be doing. So Im making that my goal. Forget everything else. Forget the heartbreak, the sting of failure, the fear of being left behind. Im going to get this demo out by latest Febuary. Thats a promise to myself. And idk why Ive even typed all this out, because honestly Im just a lurker for the most part on this site, but fuck it. Ive been struggling with depression since I was a 14 year old in Pakistan, and just typing this out helped.
Thank you all for reading.

 

[Eve]

back again

i feel bad posting here. i don't have any traumas, i don't self harm, i'm so much better off than other people posting here. feel free to ignore me, my life isn't in danger or anything. i originally wrote a lot more but it just came off as "woe is me", so here's the actual substantial stuff.

to start with, a follow-up to last time i was here- i ended up going back to university after getting things sorted absolute last-minute (got properly set up to retake my 2nd year the day it started). most people in my situation would change their tune and force themselves to work so they don't fail the same year twice. that's not working. i'm already falling significantly behind in terms of both attendance and coursework, having missed two pieces. i didn't even know i missed one because i never even checked what it was or when it was due. my motivation level truly is astounding, even for things that interest me like game design. i wish i wasn't like this but apparently i am, and apparently the support services at my university that i've been directed to don't know how to respond to emails. so i'm probably failing again. and that probably means dropping out for good. great.

it's not like my time is productively going into anything else either. i'm simply not good at anything i attempt, whether that's being a tier leader (not motivated enough to arrange events to help maintain tier activity), being good at games (i rarely get past r2 of any tournaments and literally failed to get reqs for my own suspect test), or art (trying to do anything beyond modifying a Substitute sprite invariably leaves me disappointed despite genuine efforts to learn). most of my friends who struggle academically similarly to me seem to excel in at least one of these aspects and to say that makes me feel worthless at times would be an understatement.

then there's a (sorta) brand new issue. about a year and a half ago, my uncle died. he meant a lot to me. in fact, my decision to change my name to eve was heavily inspired by him. it kinda felt like i was carrying him with me. cute, right?
...
three days ago, i accidentally found out something extremely horrible about how he died, about what he really was. horrible enough that i just won't go into detail here, more than saying that he was... watching something. horrible enough that i can't even stand my name at times because of its deliberate connection to him. horrible enough that it's ruined every single good memory of him, and that looking back in them only fills me with anger. it makes me feel genuinely ill to the point where i've been seriously considering changing my name- i love it, but i also kind of never want to see it again a lot of the time. there aren't many things in my life i feel like i've been mentally scarred by but this is definitely shaping up to be one of them.

i'd love to end this on a positive note like last time but i just don't know where i'm meant to go from here. i feel like i desperately need help and then whenever i consider getting any i deny myself of it out of shame and/or fear. and then i beat myself up for doing that. and repeat. this should be so easy to solve- just get help. but my dumb ass won't. i guess i'll just keep going the way i am for now, watching my life slowly fall apart in the most boring way possible, and maybe i'll figure something out later. thanks to my friends for at least helping to distract me from myself- i couldn't ask for anything more (even if i literally have at times). have a good one.

 

[Ktütverde]

Creating this thread was an incredible idea. Depression is so widely spread that it's called a "disease of civilization". And it keeps spreading. You're not alone, and this thread helps bring us together. Talking about depression in real life is difficult, people don't understand it. And as absurd as it may sound, writing about your life and letting people you don't really know read it really helps. Maybe more than talking to a psychologist.

I know depression very well but I don't wanna write about my own life. I want to talk about ways to fight it. Don't get me wrong, writing this also helps me feel better. I'm not here to teach, but to share what I've learned.

FIGHTING DEPRESSION​

Some parts of this post won't apply to depression associated with mourning. Parts 2 and 3 are more or less specific for depression "with no apparent cause" that we could call "existential depression".



1) Get out of your head


The main thing to be aware of with depression is that you spend most of your time stuck in dark, never-ending and cyclic thought patterns. And everytime you complete a cycle, you reinforce these thoughts. "I'm alone", "I'm not good at anything", "what I'm good at has no value", "this world is about competition", "why would anyone like me or love me", "my life is pointless" and so on.

As simple and ridiculous as it may sound, you need to BREAK these thought cycles. Stop thinking, it doesn't lead you anywhere. For example, if you suffer from depression, I'm pretty sure you really struggle to do simple things like cleaning, cooking or having a walk. Too much energy needed, no motivation, right.

Just DO IT. Don't even start thinking about it. Do it. Depression is a disease of the mind. You gotta get out of your head. Why? Why not. Deep in your heart you want to live. Don't believe in meds, they will help you somewhat, but the real cure is yourself. Move, do things. Sometimes it will be too hard. But the next day it'll be slightly better and you will be able to do it. And as long as you keep doing things, you'll feel better.

Get out of your head. Don't wait for motivation to come. Depression doesn't allow motivation. Just do things and move, and motivation will end up reappearing in your life.



2) Burn down your beliefs


I believe everything happens for a reason. I didn't before my depression. I've read and watched documentaries. Buddhism, self-development, stuff about the consciousness. Maybe it's all crap. But let me offer you two views of your existence.

-Materialism/Physicalism

By default, you believe in materialism or physicalism, which says that only the physical world exists, that the universe has no meaning. Your life is pointless, and when you die, everything you've known will disappear forever. This is a very occidental view, because it was shaped by scientific development in Europe in the past centuries. Newton's work shows that the universe is deterministic and doesn't need God. Darwin said we are evolved from simple matter and that the strongest survives -and that no God made us or guides us.
Today, physicalism prevails: Science has never been so productive and doesn't require any concept of God, soul or consciousness.

(-Theism (religion)

If you have a god, then physicalism is crap for you, you believe the soul exists. I don't believe in any sort of God and don't want to spark stupid debates. Just skip this part if you are a believer.)

-Alternative for Atheists and Agnostics: Buddhism

Atheists believe there is no god or deity. Agnostics like me, don't know if a god exists. They aren't believers but are open to the possibility that god -or something more than physicalism- can exist. If you are an Agnostic, you most likely believe in physicalism and deep in your heart believe there must be something else. Buddhism is a very popular alternative for Agnostics. Basically, buddhism has no deity. It's more of a way of life. Buddhism teaches you about your mind, how to master it, how to truly exist. Buddhism offers options, doesn't state truths like religions. Buddhism invites you to believe that the fundamental reality is consciousness, and to experience it. It invites you to believe that everything is connected because everything is consciousness. And that life and death are mere milestones in the infinite flow of your consciousness.
Buddhism is very practical and about experiencing: you can keep the parts of it you like and treat others as exotic.


If you are depressed, it most likely has to do with what you believe, whether you are aware of it or not. Do you unconsciously believe that life must be hard? That you're not good enough? Probably comes from Darwin's work. Your life has no meaning? Newton. I'm being very simplistic, but you get the idea: what you believe is shaped by your society and its story.

Nobody can prove that physicalism is true. It just works perfectly for science. There is no answer awaiting you. You have to decide how you see your existence. What if nobody is ever alone, that everyone is connected to everything, even the smallest stone or water drop. That nothing is vain, and that you are on Earth to live experiences that will shape your future lives? Or that death is truly the end, but that your life will have sewn something on the ultimate fabric of the universe? I can't give answers, but you gotta seek other options, and choose what is best for you.

Don't let your beliefs shape who you are; shape your beliefs. You see the world through the prism of your beliefs: if your view is sick, it's because your beliefs are the wrong ones for you.



3) Become who you are


You may not agree with what I'll say. Books and videos and people have offered me options, and I'm offering what helped me to you.

Everything happens for a reason. Some call it karma. It kinda means "causality". What you do affects what happens to you. It sounds horrible, why would you be depressed if you've never been a bad person? Why would your friend or parent die when they were great people? It's a complex topic, but to sum it up: if bad things happen, it doesn't mean there are bad intentions, but intentions that flow against the flow of the universe.

If you're depressed, you may find comfort in the non-attachment of buddhism. It doesn't mean being unaffected by the world around you. But it teaches you to make the difference between your emotions, and yourself. You ARE NOT your emotions. You feel sad, you ARE not sad. You feel like shit, you ARE not shit. The dalai-lama himself (the highest ranked Buddhist monk in the Tibetan tradition) cries when war is brought up for example. And then he becomes joyful again, because he accepts it and he doesn't let it stain his mind. The mind, according to buddhism, is like the sky where clouds pass by but don't leave a trace (clouds are the metaphor of emotions).

Depression is, according to holistic physicians , the way your inner self tells you you are not being who you are. It's the last option at its disposal: disease to warn you. It can be depression, it can be cancer. And it can kill you. But it can also cure you if you listen to it, and make you happier than ever before.

Depression tells you: "you're not doing what you are; you won't find happiness and won't succeed in helping other people down this path". Choose another path.

Depression can be a way for your unconscious to make you quit unhealthy relationships, unfullfilling jobs, or simply exhausting thought patterns and sick beliefs. It leaves you empty and without enough energy to keep on doing things that aren't good for you. You are left in a dark, but slowly you see that there's a shining door far away and that you got a choice: it's either the darkness or walking towards that door.

Look at me for example: depression hit me 4 years ago and i'm still fighting it. But one thing I'm sure it taught me, is to not bury my creative side. I need to make things, I need to draw, to write, to make music, heck, to build pokémon teams. Depression forced me to quit high-level Maths and Physics studies and my future as a well-paid and socially-happy engineer. I'm not sure where I'm going, but giving that up once for all lifted an immense weight on my mind. If you're interested, I've started learning web design and graphism and I feel much better now.

My father died when I was very young, and as much as I miss him, I know that somewhere, his death means something and will help my brother and me become who we are and do something good in this world.



4) Listen to music (and make music if you can)

Music is magical. In more scientific terms though, it makes your brain synchronize with its rhythm. If you know a bit about the brain, you probably have heard of "alpha waves" etc. Basically, the way signals rush through your brain are described as waves. Joy, sadness, concentration are all words to describe what state your brain is in. Music gets it to synchronize, and can even get you to feel connected to the world, to cry with the feeling that the universe is wonderful. Music overrides your depressive mental state and heals you.

In my case, part of my healing was due to listening to music. All the time, to get rid of loneliness and sick thoughts. Modern reggae music (Naâman, Jahneration, Dub Inc, Kabaka Pyramid, Alborosie, Protoje, Chronixx, Damian Marley...), relaxing/beautiful music (with Lo-Fi often) (Zelda music, nintendo music, Fakear, Chinese Man...) but also all sorts of classics (Michael Jackson, Eminem, Bruce Springsteen...).

Just listen to all sorts of music if you aren't yet, find what really makes you feel at peace, and never leave it. Music is life.



5) Find a routine you really love

There must be something you really like doing. Everyone is here for a reason. And even though that reason may be a lifelong quest, there are elements you should be able to collect. DON'T try to find something you are good at. Some people are naturally skilled, but for most of us, becoming good is the second step. First step: find things you enjoy, and one of them may be what you actually were always meant to do. And others will just remain hobbies that will help you feel good.

Even if it's only 20mins per day, do something you like. Drawing, reading, playing the piano, or guitar, or running. Or writing. Whatever it is. You don't have to be good at drawing: you can fill in mandalas to feel at peace. You don't have to be a huge reader: 20mins per day summed up, you will have read a book by the end of the month, 12 books per year. And so on. Most likely you'll end up practicing your activity of choice more than 20mins without realising it.

Me, I try to draw a couple Pokémons every day (did Mewtwo today and its legs are too short and Bulbasaur had a devilish look), to run at least 20mins every morning no matter the weather, and to practice beatboxing even though I sound like pure shit. All of it barely takes an hour, but I feel like I've done something and that over time, the contribution will be significant.

Over time, you'll get good without realising it.


A very healthy routine is Meditation. It sounds complex and all, but it's very simple. Close your eyes, inhale deeply for 5 seconds until you're full, exhale slowly during 5 seconds until you have no air left. Repeat 3 times. Feel better? Realized you're mind was totally empty and peaceful during these 30 seconds? This is the very basis of meditation. Look up more on the web or in a library if you're interested, it's very healthy and life-changing.



Final words

I could write forever and I tried to keep it as short as possible but obviously I failed. Still I'm happy with what I said. I really hope I helped you in a way or another. And that my summary of stuff like physicalism and buddhism sounded about right. I'm not an expert.


Bonus: 4 YouTube links that really helped me:

: Zelda relaxing music

: Better Than Yesterday (tips to improve your life easily)

: Outta Road - Naâman

: Beatbox: Berywam vs Beatbox House - Fantasy battle


Take care

-ktut

 

[ausma]

really rambly post below. do your thing i guess, but don't expect coherency

cw: neglect, cancer

read at your own discretion

The past 5 years have defined a lot for me. I'm not exactly sure of everything, but I guess I probably should just start with the transition to high school, since that was where shit really hit the fan.

My middle school career was already shaky on its own right. Although I had a pretty great elementary run and a fun 6th grade year, 7th grade was around the era when reality started to hit me and when I started to question my identity, on top of my parents having an extremely sour divorce. i wondered for a while if I was nonbinary, and this was around when that sort of thing was blasphemous. people despised the idea of someone outside of the gender binary, and although people are much more accepting nowadays, i lost a lot of friends because of it, and it left me maddeningly confounded about myself and planted the seeds of uncertainty that really defined by high school career. my mother was hell to be with at this point, because she was a complete paranoid psychotic wreck, and was a clean freak due to her acting allergies; she had saved my life, and seeing her psyche fall apart was beyond painful. it was at this time i preferred being with my dad, but my relationship with my dad was abysmal past my parents' divorce so even that wasn't very great. he was and is a radical, sexist, racist asshole who uses intimidation to keep people in submission.

high school was around where shit hit the fan tremendously. i got into a relationship with someone at the time who i ended up being with up until about a month ago, and while our relationship at first was really nice, it escalated into one where i was completely captive to their feelings and became chained as a lifeline. they were severely depressed and experienced severe ptsd from their past relationships, and they often projected onto me to a point where i was seldom ever able to figure out what the fuck was going on in my head. my freshman year was around when i stopped questioning being nb, because i was so severely bullied that it no longer felt right to me. i was lost for a super long time and i projected a lot onto people, to a degree that i now regret because i was such a pushy, self absorbed asshole. i was so fucking full of myself in my earlier years and i got battered with some hard truths and experiences that shattered my self worth and made me a complete husk throughout my freshman year.

my sophomore year has been the worst year of my entire life. my mother was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of cancer known as peripheral t cell lymphoma, and my life was completely transformed. my poor mother had dealt with so much throughout her life and in the past few years, and having this on top of everything else plunged her into a depression of her own. she had to rent an apartment in chicago, and while that had its benefits, it meant that i was forced to live with my dad full time. this was around when my relationship with my partner plummeted, and i dedicated 90% of my mental energy toward keeping them happy and occupied, all the while i was dealing with an emotionally neglectful father who yelled and projected at my brother and i on the constant, to a point where internalizing my feelings was completely normalized. he was extremely good at making you feel like complete dogshit about yourself, and i felt like a severe burden to him as he often complained about how "he had no choice" in taking custody of us. he constantly put down my brother and i (claiming it was banter), and threw out slurs like a sailor in the 19th century. i felt no love from him in a time when i was more emotionally vulnerable than ever, and nowadays after reflecting on it more, i have grown more and more disgusted with the conditions my brother and i had to live in, and how much of a minefield my dad's house was. his anger was traumatizing, and he used that as a means to shut down opposition and get what he wanted. i vividly remember one night when i tried standing up to him, and he was plunged into a fit of rage that sticks to me to this day. he made extremely violent gestures, as if he wanted to choke us, and he threw a beer can full fucking throttle at the wall as he forced my brother into a sob. he went through a lot in his youth too, but he projected so much anger and hate onto my brother and i to a degree where i think it's traumatized me, but i don't even fucking know. all i know is that whenever i think about my dad, i'm forced into a vulnerable mentality that absolutely fucking terrifies me. fun fact! my dad is also a very huge reason that i have identity issues. he projected toxic masculinity onto me in a time where i needed understanding and encouragement, and he never bothered to give me that understanding, especially during the time when our fucking mom faced death's door several fucking times. he even claimed that she was faking it to have fun in chicago, all the while i was trying to cope with the idea that i'd be losing my mom. what a supportive dad

in any case i was fucking miserable and my identity was in fucking shambles. i had no clue where to look, what to piece together, or if i would even be better. i often reflected on when things were simpler, when i was playing minecraft and screaming at people over the microphone, all the while i was in a horrible relationship, a horrible living situation, and my mom was on the verge of death. i was a fucking wreck and i had no genuine support system for the next two years while i was basically having to be my partner's lifeline and i was facing incredible, debilitating insecurities about my identity and my abilities. this came to a bit of a simmer in my junior year, when i found out i was trans and my mom got a life saving stem cell transplant, but i still lacked any kind of a support system. i was really really lonely, and i envied fucking everyone around me who was more successful and sure of themselves than i was.

when the pandemic hit, almost everyone sunk into oblivion, and i felt so helpless. though, my dad still didn't give a flying fuck about my mental health, or anything involved with me. i have literally only spent one weekend with him since the start of the pandemic, and have been living with my mother full time. thank god for that, but i was still with an emotionally reliant partner, completely unaware of what my needs were or who i was and what i wanted, and i was more empty, lost, and unmotivated than ever. on top of the fact i was having to do a super rigorous course, i just did not give a fuck about my classes, and i pretty much still had no friends that i 100% trusted. fast forward to this summer, and i get diagnosed with moderate depressive disorder after a trip to the pediatrician's after a whopping fucking 4 years. this was around when i realized how fucking miserable i had been, and how lost and confused i was about fucking everything. my mom ended up finding out, and i love her so fucking much because even though she was still recovering, she did her best to get me a good psychiatrist and support

i was still really really sad, and honestly i still am now. im making progress in areas i should be, which is great, but i still am so lost and confused about my future, and i'm still trying to figure out how to get to a point where i can become myself and not have to fucking hide it, and also figure out how the fuck to express myself, and not be jealous of every person who's successful. i'm so sick of comparing myself to people, i'm so sick of feeling like a worthless sack of garbage that leeches off of people's energy and love just to feel like my anger, loneliness, sadness, and feelings of worthlessness are actually worth trying to remedy. most of all, i'm sick of being so fucking distant and envious. i want to be proud of my accomplishments, but i feel like there aren't even any real accomplishments to be proud of. i did no fucking extracurriculars, irls think i'm a dumbass, and i managed to successfully apply to colleges by the skin of my teeth. i don't know what i'm doing, and i still have to do so fucking much for this stupid course i never wanted to do. it all feels so god damn meaningless to me. this isn't even everything, most of this is pretty surface level stuff that's just coming to my head but i just wanted to get this out, i feel you all deserve to know and a major step to recovering is actually communicating.

i want to thank you if you read this, and i also want to personally thank my new girlfriend for having been such a positive force in my life for the past month. ofc, thanks to the aba, evecord, and the rats for having been really cool too, i really appreciate you guys a lot and i thank you all for having been so supportive of me. i still have so much i need to work out, and i need to find some way to consistently be happy and get things done, but, hey, maybe some day, right?

for those of you in this thread, just know... your pain is valid. everything you feel is valid, because it's afflicting you, and hurting you. you have the right and privilege to communicate to people if you're hurt, because it's ok to hurt and not be ok. i wish you all the best of luck in your recoveries, and stay strong, because you really do matter. <3

 

[Ardy]

Hey everyone, writing this mid-mental breakdown at work so its gonna be jumbled as fuck lol sorry

Hide

So I just saw my ex on a dating app. That doesnt sound like much but you have no fucking idea how much just seeing his face just cracked my fucking heart in two all over again.
It was magnetic fucking attraction with him. I remember we met for the first time and I was planning on getting home in an hour and then suddenly 5 hours had passed. We could not get enough of each other. He was beautiful, mesmerising, so fully himself. It was gorgeous. And I fell in love with him harder and faster than Ive ever fallen before.
I have a hard time with people. I dont open up, I dont let anyone know me. I know thats like cliche at this point, but Im always so afraid people are going to hate the real me, so I just hide it underneath all these layers. He tore those layers out. I let him see me. And he didnt leave.
Until he did.
It came out of nowhere. We were on call, I was upset about something and he was calming me down. Made me laugh. We went over our plans for halloween. We were both going as pumpkins - he had made the costumes. I said I love you, like I always did. I love you too, he said. Love you more. Love you most, he finished, and then I hung up.
I got on the train and opened up my phone to a breakup text.
The previous week we had been in bed, and I was feeling horrible and ugly, and he held me, and whispered that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me for a long time, that he wanted to settle down with me, grow old with me. We were going to move in together.
I had waited so long, all my life, almost, to hear that from someone I loved.
A week later he dumped me.
When I asked him how long he had been planning to breakup, he told me he had been thinking about it for a week.
It was all a lie that night. He meant none of it. And I feel so thoroughly broken. I dont understand why he would say any of that, why he would give me that, especially since he knew how much it would mean to me, if he meant none of it.
Immediately after we broke up he started fucking other people. It meant nothing to him. It meant everything to me, and to him it was nothing. Just another meaningless fling to forget.
I dont have any right to be angry about it, I feel. But it fucking hurts. It fucking hurts because now I cant ever do that again. I cant ever trust like that again. I cant open myself up, I cant let myself be loved. Because it nearly killed me. Thats the truth. It meant nothing to him, and that nearly killed me. I feel like hes ruined me.
On a good day I dont ever want to see him again. On a bad day Id give anything to see him again.
I dont know what to do. I dont know how to stop this. Ive lost my appetite. Lost something like 10 kg in a month. I keep throwing up. And I cant walk by union square, go to brighton, walk along midwood where the avenues meet the graveyard, all places tainted by our memories. This city is so fucking big, but for the first time it feels cramped, like its suffocating me, and the memories of my happiness are haunting me. And he feels none of it. And I dont know how to live with that.
Sorry for the rant. I just needed to let that out. I genuinely dont know what to do, and I feel like Im going insane.
Thanks for reading.

 

[King Feraligatr]

I'm a fucking awful person. Good people never fail. I do, so I'm a bad person. Can't do anything right.

Hide

If you're reading this hidden text, I'm never really in the mood for words of encouragement, especially sappy ones. All just nonsense (you might believe it....doesn't make it true). More want more hatred or hardass responses. Seriously, I need to stop bitching and do the final deed. I live in the United States...not impossible to get the equipment I need.

 

[earl]

Good people never fail.

I mean if you want hardass answers this is just blatantly false

I don’t feel qualified to offer anything beyond that but your perceived self worth should at the very least stem from something that isn’t just obvious non sequitur. unless this is sarcasm, in which case the point is lost on me

 

[King Feraligatr]

I mean if you want hardass answers this is just blatantly false

I don’t feel qualified to offer anything beyond that but your perceived self worth should at the very least stem from something that isn’t just obvious non sequitur. unless this is sarcasm, in which case the point is lost on me

It's not sarcasm. It's basically the truth. Why can everyone else instantly succeed at anything I do any leave me in the dust? Maybe because I'm a bad person? And maybe they don't fail because they're good people (in comparison to me....I'm awful. I feel I can be worse than Hitler, Mao, and Stalin combined at times.)?

 

[Diophantine]

I'm a fucking awful person. Good people never fail. I do, so I'm a bad person.

Why can everyone else instantly succeed at anything I do any leave me in the dust? Maybe because I'm a bad person? And maybe they don't fail because they're good people (in comparison to me....I'm awful. I feel I can be worse than Hitler, Mao, and Stalin combined at times.)?

This is such a bad take that I'm suspicious of the seriousness in these posts. However, since this is a serious thread, I should address them in such a manner. Please note that this is not an attempt at proving you wrong for the sake of it, but I genuinely want to help you. Forgive anything you might deem a little bold.

Your criteria for what makes a good person is incredibly flawed and would make anyone who's ever lived a "bad person". No one is perfect and everyone fails at many things. It seems that you define your worth as a human being entirely by how generally competent you are. While that is an incredibly simplistic and morally questionable criteria, I should try to help your view anyway. That view is arrogant. You can't expect to be good at things by pondering them for 10 minutes. People very rarely succeed instantly. Cognitive dissonance leads us to believe that they do simply because they have some inherent talent. The "math genius" in your class most likely spends hours working on themselves in their spare time, but you only see the work they produce in the classroom. While talent does exist, and manifests differently with each person, without effort it whittles away. Complaining about not being competent at whatever it is you are doing does not make your situation any better - in fact it makes it worse. Take a step back; look at what is troubling you, and then address it. That is how we improve. Sometimes it is difficult, and sometimes it's easier than we initially thought.

I think that you should also question your definition of a good and bad person. While you could argue that morality is subjective, I'd also argue that competency is too. There are many different ways to judge someone's skill at something, and there are many contextual differences that skew judgements. How you treat others both on a macro and a micro level is important. There are many conventionally intelligent people that I absolutely despise and would class as bad people, and many people on the opposite end of the spectrum whom I feel the opposite about. If anything, your level of competency is analogous to the tools a workman has. More competent people have more tools, but it's about how you use them that is important. Hitler was very competent until he made blunders in WWII. Would you count him as a good person before his downfall?

I wish you the best.

 

[Peary]

Not really sure how to start this-

lots of text

Around January this year things started to get really bad. I felt like I was hitting a stand still in my life and was working just enough to not get any benefits from my job, barely making enough money to get by. I had to drop out of college for mental health reasons, so without a degree it can be hard to find a nice job, but I’ll save the college dropout story for another time. I was checked into the psych ward in January for struggling with extreme Depression & Anxiety. Depression runs in my family and it’s always been pretty hard at times, but my suicidal thoughts that I had not felt for a long time were returning. I can say I have felt suicidal so many times in my life to the point I can’t count, it has to be over 100 at this point. Things only progressively got worse even once I got out, even with good moments, I hated my life. At 13 months clean from all drugs and alcohol, I decided to start smoking weed again. None of my prescriptions were helping, I stopped seeing my therapist, and I got to a truly disgusting period of my life. I was so depressed I would only shower 1-2 times a week. So depressed I couldn’t work up the motivation to shave my face. So depressed I would eat one meal a day cooked for me by my roommate. So depressed that I felt suicial all day, every day. The weed helped a little at first, but then it stopped so I moved to cough syrup. Whenever I wasn’t high I wanted to end my own life, but I would never tell anyone any of this, so the feelings were just continuously bottled up. After cough syrup stopped helping, I started drinking and doing numerous hard drugs again. This included Suboxone, LSD, Meth, Heroin, and Fentanyl. I was spending all of the little money I had on drugs just to numb the feeling of being suicidal. Whenever I was sober/clean at this point, I wanted to die and hated myself. Instead of doing the right thing and seeking help, I continued to use these hard drugs for months. The span of it being truly bad was late June this year until July 23rd. That is my new clean date. I checked into a detox facility broken down, shaking, scabs on my head, unable to keep even a sip of water down, and so mentally exhausted I didn’t know how to feel. The next few days I don’t remember. I continued to be depressed as I moved on to a 28 day rehab facility. However, at that facility, the doctor was actually really sweet. I started seeing a therapist again, I got prescribed new meds, and the constant feeling of suicidal ideation was finally going away. At around 30 days clean, I can say my depression was still there, but it was only a bit there. I moved to Florida August 31st and entered a sober living. I am still here today, and I have been seeing a therapist and PA for meds/therapy once a week. I have a job now and am 125 days clean. I actually enjoy life today, and have hope for the future. It is hard to believe this summer I wanted to die every day when I was sober, was barely showering, was barely eating, and didn’t want to leave my bed. Finally, I am winning my battle of depression. I wish all of you the best of luck and if nobody told you they loved you today, I do.

-Peary

 

[Rei]

Just a small update.

update

Over the last month other than one bad day last week, I haven't thought once of killing myself. The thing that I thought that would tell people that I am ok would be my badges getting recolored but some reason people think I'm still depressed. However, there is still lingering problems that I have that are associated with depression that I am having issues with and that is being worthless and unwanted. The feeling just comes up when I feel like there's no reason for me to be at work or that I am trying to vent about a problem and realize that I cannot trouble someone with my problems. It also comes up when I feel like I cannot join the conversation when I just wanna talk to someone, and afraid of people disliking me because of what I said or spread my shit around. Since my last post, I did have a massive friend group change that honestly hurt me a lot for a few weeks, then slowly I got used to not having someone to pm everyday and having a discord to vent my problems in, but found new loving support from the ndpl team discord that got turned to a hangout that have listened to my problems and don't put me down as attention seeking when I'm struggling with a problem, depression, suicide etc and I greatly appreciate all of you for taking me in and feel welcomed. I welcomed this change and slowly over the last few months got out of feeling like killing myself nearly everyday, just gotta tell myself they won't hurt me or spread my shit around and that they want me there, which is just a bit hard for me because of how another discord server treated me and thought it was fucking funny to spread my shit around, legit fuck you acting like it's ok. While there is my issues still with certain communities on smogon having issues with me because of my personality or something I did in the past, instead of trying to see that I changed since then, they won't accept it nor my good tour results that I have done which all I can say is whatever bro, I won't let your opinions of me strap me down and show you how much I changed and keep doing good at tours so that eventually they will see me as good without trying to force me to change. My behavior has improved and haven't gotten any infractions since my last one wore off in October and I had more energy as of late that my managers at work noticed and praised me on my good work. The only big problem other than the few symptoms of depression is my gender identity that I am unsure of atm. I keep having thoughts about living as a cis lesbian girl, but also find myself more happy as how my online persona is rn with being a boy, but I have time to figure that out. I am ok, and thank you everyone that pm me as your words helped me keep going and get out of my depression and stopped me from further suicide attempts that I have not did since my last post in here. For anyone else that is going tho depression I would highly recommend making sure that the people you are hanging out with can provide you support and aren't superficial, as it will make things worse, try to get a job to force yourself out of the bed and be active and meeting new people that will be there for you, and try new things. I promise you everything will be ok and suicide isn't the way out. I'm always here to talk on discord Yami#0515 to help anyway I can.

 

[roxie]

Good Evening, I never thought I'd post here but just a little introduction of who I am. My name is Roxiee on PS!, my favorite tiers I like to play are SS/ORAS Monotype, SS/ORAS NU, and ORAS OU. I am currently authed in both Monotype and NU rooms and I love helping with teambuilding and generally talking about anything pretty much. I look up to a lot of players (playing/building wise) like Decem, Chaitanya, Attribute, ISZ, eternally, trichotomy, Vodoom, poh, ABR, Anttya, Realistic Waters, and so many more. Throughout this paragraph/essay/w.e., I am going to talk about these topics: (Manipulation/Objectification of relating to relationships) and (Indirect/Direct Racism on/in Smogon+IRL). Thanks in advance for reading.

In November of last year, I got inside of a relationship in real life of course. I believe in being direct and speaking your mind no matter the situation. I can't hold my thoughts in, if I have a problem with you, I am going to wanna fix it on the spot you know? So the person I was dating had a lot of things in common with me, they were in band, they liked similar artists(Gospel+Hip-Hop), and we were both gay lol. I'm DL, meaning in real life, I am not open to much people and my family doesn't really know I like males. His grandfather had just passed and I was there to fully support him, we went on a few dates and he was very overprotective about me and I was like omg (in my head) because it was my first relationship(I didn't wanna do relationships till college because teenagers lack the braincells to know what being in love). Long love story short, he started bringing up that he isn't fully sure that he liked boys and I was like I appreciate you for being straight up and he kept going back and forth between saying "I love you and I wanna be with you forever" to "I'm not sure if I wanna do this maybe we can be bestfriends." In this long process after I gave him numerous amounts of chances :( he cheated on me 3 times after I: helped him not kill himself, checked on him every single day(multiple times), and dealt with all the shit like guns/fights/smoking(I'm not against this but he started to feel unimportant because of that). I finally moved on and I've been depressed for 5-6 months and he called me and said "I heard you got a new [redacted]" and bursted in tears. I am the nicest fucking person you can meet irl I felt fucking worthless, depressed, not-good-enough, all over him throughout these months. I do not want him to do anything bad to himself and I've been the most active person on PS! i stg just to get my thoughts off of IRL. He calls and texts me off random numbers (no threats) and he has some mental issues and throughout all of this bullshit, I've gotten sad. I've been so nice throughout my years that I'd completely ignore how I feel. I just wanna say to anyone reading this, if you ever have a relationship, just know the signs and its ok to wait as long as you need until you get one. Truly, if you've done every single thing right in your relationship and gave 100% of your heart, why wouldn't they be trying to come back :(. Now I am talking to someone new after being a huge cry-baby and its going ok. I just do not understand why waste peoples' time. What comes to mind when you get instead of a relationship? If you get into an argument or dispute, do you have the balls to keep going or are you going to bitch to your homies and throw trash @ there name then leave. Its these things that you process before you get into one.

I am quite heavy on what people say IRL and on this website of relating to Racism because I am proud to be black and nothing is going to change that. I cannot believe this but an entire "I am a racist" thread was created in Firebot development and I was ticked the fuck off. I reported it but it was multiple users posting and reacting and what makes it even worse was it was during the BLM movement. Baby, just believe this movement is everlasting and when little kitty punishments like "1-2 point" infraction is only given because of that like wtf. I am in multiple rooms public/private on PS! and I completely spaz when someone says something of relating to "oh I bet this guy is going to shoot me if i see him irl" or "blm -> alm" or anything offensively relating to that. You just never know the day that something tragic happens, people of color in general is at a disadvantage (no I am not saying that people on PS! that are black should have extra pivledged but no matter the race, stuff of relating to that shouldn't be allowed black/white/asian/purple/orange/yellow). I haven't really said much about this as my other paragraph but I think I've made it clear that this even freaking occuring in the universe just is depressing.

I don't normally vent on a PS! site but I do not wanna bug my friends about it (no i don't need advice) but just writing this out feels much better. IRL my friends may view me as goofy, outgoing, a leader, and creative but in the inside I worry my head off about racism and relationships and on top of that taking meds to maintain my emotions because I have skin cancer. Just be nice to people, especially to the ones that look out for you the most. Some people do not realize what they actually have/posses until its actually gone, thank you for reading. ~ Roxiee

 

[Gray]

Good Evening, I never thought I'd post here but just a little introduction of who I am. My name is Roxiee on PS!, my favorite tiers I like to play are SS/ORAS Monotype, SS/ORAS NU, and ORAS OU. I am currently authed in both Monotype and NU rooms and I love helping with teambuilding and generally talking about anything pretty much. I look up to a lot of players (playing/building wise) like Decem, Chaitanya, Attribute, ISZ, eternally, trichotomy, Vodoom, poh, ABR, Anttya, Realistic Waters, and so many more. Throughout this paragraph/essay/w.e., I am going to talk about these topics: (Manipulation/Objectification of relating to relationships) and (Indirect/Direct Racism on/in Smogon+IRL). Thanks in advance for reading.

In November of last year, I got inside of a relationship in real life of course. I believe in being direct and speaking your mind no matter the situation. I can't hold my thoughts in, if I have a problem with you, I am going to wanna fix it on the spot you know? So the person I was dating had a lot of things in common with me, they were in band, they liked similar artists(Gospel+Hip-Hop), and we were both gay lol. I'm DL, meaning in real life, I am not open to much people and my family doesn't really know I like males. His grandfather had just passed and I was there to fully support him, we went on a few dates and he was very overprotective about me and I was like omg (in my head) because it was my first relationship(I didn't wanna do relationships till college because teenagers lack the braincells to know what being in love). Long love story short, he started bringing up that he isn't fully sure that he liked boys and I was like I appreciate you for being straight up and he kept going back and forth between saying "I love you and I wanna be with you forever" to "I'm not sure if I wanna do this maybe we can be bestfriends." In this long process after I gave him numerous amounts of chances :( he cheated on me 3 times after I: helped him not kill himself, checked on him every single day(multiple times), and dealt with all the shit like guns/fights/smoking(I'm not against this but he started to feel unimportant because of that). I finally moved on and I've been depressed for 5-6 months and he called me and said "I heard you got a new [redacted]" and bursted in tears. I am the nicest fucking person you can meet irl I felt fucking worthless, depressed, not-good-enough, all over him throughout these months. I do not want him to do anything bad to himself and I've been the most active person on PS! i stg just to get my thoughts off of IRL. He calls and texts me off random numbers (no threats) and he has some mental issues and throughout all of this bullshit, I've gotten sad. I've been so nice throughout my years that I'd completely ignore how I feel. I just wanna say to anyone reading this, if you ever have a relationship, just know the signs and its ok to wait as long as you need until you get one. Truly, if you've done every single thing right in your relationship and gave 100% of your heart, why wouldn't they be trying to come back :(. Now I am talking to someone new after being a huge cry-baby and its going ok. I just do not understand why waste peoples' time. What comes to mind when you get instead of a relationship? If you get into an argument or dispute, do you have the balls to keep going or are you going to bitch to your homies and throw trash @ there name then leave. Its these things that you process before you get into one.

I am quite heavy on what people say IRL and on this website of relating to Racism because I am proud to be black and nothing is going to change that. I cannot believe this but an entire "I am a racist" thread was created in Firebot development and I was ticked the fuck off. I reported it but it was multiple users posting and reacting and what makes it even worse was it was during the BLM movement. Baby, just believe this movement is everlasting and when little kitty punishments like "1-2 point" infraction is only given because of that like wtf. I am in multiple rooms public/private on PS! and I completely spaz when someone says something of relating to "oh I bet this guy is going to shoot me if i see him irl" or "blm -> alm" or anything offensively relating to that. You just never know the day that something tragic happens, people of color in general is at a disadvantage (no I am not saying that people on PS! that are black should have extra pivledged but no matter the race, stuff of relating to that shouldn't be allowed black/white/asian/purple/orange/yellow). I haven't really said much about this as my other paragraph but I think I've made it clear that this even freaking occuring in the universe just is depressing.

I don't normally vent on a PS! site but I do not wanna bug my friends about it (no i don't need advice) but just writing this out feels much better. IRL my friends may view me as goofy, outgoing, a leader, and creative but in the inside I worry my head off about racism and relationships and on top of that taking meds to maintain my emotions because I have skin cancer. Just be nice to people, especially to the ones that look out for you the most. Some people do not realize what they actually have/posses until its actually gone, thank you for reading. ~ Roxiee

That dude is toxic asf and you needed/need to understand that other people are gonna push their idiocy onto you to make you feel bad.
I know you don't need advice and just wanted to vent, but my main point is to let you and people in general that there's always gonna be either stupid or uneducated people out there, especially on the internet. If they have a problem with you because of the amount of a pigment in your skin, they aren't worth giving any attention to. The best we can do is either educate (and if they're just plain stupid) ignore them.
In Smogon's case, I do believe they definitely need to put up bigger punishments for people blatantly promoting racism and if they're only giving tiny infractions like you said, its their own problem LOL just a bad look for their website

 

[Band]

Quick update.

things, for once, are looking up. My dad managed to close a deal with his company and he said things should start to get better. His relationship with my mom is looking good as of now, my sessions with the psychologist are getting better and I'm starting to understand myself more (she moved to a new building and her new room is pretty af, which also helps for some reason?). I've never been depressed like I was in July-August, and I really really hope I NEVER go through that again. I'm excited for the future for once since idk, like, 2018. Also getting more and more involved in the community in Smogon has been fun.

sorry for the rambly thoughts, but I'm positive for the future. Sending light to everybody here

 

[Katy]

That dude is toxic asf and you needed/need to understand that other people are gonna push their idiocy onto you to make you feel bad.
I know you don't need advice and just wanted to vent, but my main point is to let you and people in general that there's always gonna be either stupid or uneducated people out there, especially on the internet. If they have a problem with you because of the amount of a pigment in your skin, they aren't worth giving any attention to. The best we can do is either educate (and if they're just plain stupid) ignore them.
In Smogon's case, I do believe they definitely need to put up bigger punishments for people blatantly promoting racism and if they're only giving tiny infractions like you said, its their own problem LOL just a bad look for their website

After what I have read is, that I can fully agree with you, Imjustgray. This dude is toxic af and didnt even know how to handle a relationship.

I've been depressed for 5-6 months and he called me and said "I heard you got a new [redacted]" and bursted in tears.

I would advice you to get your mind off of this dude, he definitely isnt worth a second thought for how he treated you. Move on with your life and see the positive things, which will await you in the future. I would just stop thinking about him. You are more worth than that and If you want to get your mind off things or want to just rant, I am always there, my PMs on smogon and discord are open. Sometimes just a pure rant can help a lot! :)

I am the nicest fucking person you can meet irl I felt fucking worthless, depressed, not-good-enough, all over him throughout these months. I do not want him to do anything bad to himself and I've been the most active person on PS!

Ya, I do think that this dude truly set up a toxic relationship. Most people which act like that throughout a relationship are toxic. They want your full attention, they want you to only concentrate on them and nothing else. Their behaviour have a lot of different facets of their face (personality) while being in a relationship: this varies from controling the partner 'til threatening the partner to commit suicide to get all their attention on them. Im pretty sure you'll find more on the internet about what a toxic relationship is, plenty of experts looked into that and figured out how a toxic partner acts. But I would definitely advice you to move forward, this person isnt worth it!

Take good care about yourself and about your life, your health! That is the most important thing which you can do. Cheer up and just do the activities you really like to do, do what gives you fun :) And as far as I've seen, you run plenty of great projects in the NU subforum which are all fun!
Try to move your mind into the positive things in life! Cheer up!

Quick update.

things, for once, are looking up. My dad managed to close a deal with his company and he said things should start to get better. His relationship with my mom is looking good as of now, my sessions with the psychologist are getting better and I'm starting to understand myself more (she moved to a new building and her new room is pretty af, which also helps for some reason?). I've never been depressed like I was in July-August, and I really really hope I NEVER go through that again. I'm excited for the future for once since idk, like, 2018. Also getting more and more involved in the community in Smogon has been fun.

sorry for the rambly thoughts, but I'm positive for the future. Sending light to everybody here

I hope you'll never have to get back in that mindset again, with being depressed! Depression sucks, I can speak for myself and for plenty other people that it isn't easy to tackle them. I'm glad you have gone through that and you finally are able to cheer up. Keep it up! :)

To all people in this thread, I hope you cheer up! I don't know each and every single person here, but I hope you awesome people are able to see brighter days for the future, and I'm pretty sure they will come! Cheer up peeps!

 

[Band]

My dad was unemployed and my mom didn't have a stable salary, so we had to live with my grandma.

Update 2. Sorry if I've been posting too much.

No, grandma isn't dead, she's fine. God, looking at the hide tags seems like she died.

grandma

My parents gave me the news today that we'll be moving out of my grandma's house. We've been here for 4 years. I won't get into the nitty gritty because I could literally write 5 pages on why living with my grandma has been the worst 4 years with my life (definitely not all her fault, but she does have her part on it). She's 74, and when you're that old, I'm sorry, you have your own way of doing things and, like, there's really nothing anyone can do to change you. Her mere presence has become draining to me. I can definitely see kindness in her, but I feel like anytime I'm around her, I just feel... sad. Which really really sucks. Both my grandpa and my grandma from my dad's side of the family died before I could meet them, and my other grandpa died in 2013, when I was 11. I didn't really feel anything at the time, but I do miss him from time to time and I wish I got to spend more time with him as I got older. My relationship with my grandma didn't start to rot until I moved to her house with my parents. Again, I won't talk about all of it because it's probably too offtopic and may sound ungrateful. Our relationship is now kind of... weird. She's not a bad person by any means, far from it. I don't really know how to connect with her though. And I feel sad about it. Because once she's gone, that's it. I feel really shitty knowing that I could've prevented this, or maybe I couldn't, I don't know. The past 4 years have been pretty dark for me, I just felt like she was an annoyance, and her presence would just disappear once we moved out. And now that we're moving, I don't know. It's all just a blur really. We won't be moving too far from here, we'll stay in the same neighborhood too. But, when you're young, you associate your grandma's house with a warm, caring and loving place. But it's this exact place that has beens the bane of my existence. This house has my darkest memories, has the darkest moments of my parent's life, and mine. It should feel cozy and warm but it's cold and sad, I really won't ever be able to look at this house the same way I did when I was a kid. I even feel like the lights in the living room aren't as yellow as they used to be, the kitchen doesn't smell like it used to, and the whole house feels like it's engulfed in pain. I really despise this place. I don't despise my grandma. But her house is a nightmare for me. Despite all this, I still love her, and when we're outside, I do feel better. She just has this enigmatic aura about her, I don't know how to explain. She's 74 but her mind really hasn't aged as much. From now on, I'll try my best to enjoy the last years we'll have together, though I'll never forget about what happened these past 4.

moving on

We won't really leave until the end of December, probably really close to 2021. I'm excited to have an actual room this time (my room is crazy small, someday I'll send some pics who knows). It's what we call "the maiden's room", or in portuguese, "o quartinho da empregada". It's usually a really small room at the back of the house, with a kitchen sink and toilet but no shower. It's very convenient, I gotta admit, but my room is so ridiculously small, not having a bathroom in the new one is more than worth it. I'll have space to make my bed without having to hunch over my closet (the closet is embedded (idk if this is the right word here) into the wall above my bed, meaning I have to hunch to make my bed. I'll have space to paint and dance in my room, I'll have an actual good dor and not those crappy plastic ones that let all the morning light in, I'll have a way bigger desk to do stuff on, and I won't feel suffocated anymore. I'm so so glad we're moving, that I literally cried in the shower today. The past 4 years have been rough as all hell, and I'm still not done, between my anxiety, still having and wanting to discuss my sexuality with my parents, and my fear of not being a good enough student, I still have long ways to go, but I feel like this could be a turning point for me. Sounds silly how changing rooms can be so life-changing to someone, but I'm positive it will be. I'll post here if my dark thoughts ever come back, and I know I have some good people ,here and irl, on my side if they ever do!

 

[lighthouses]

this time of the year is the worst for me, hope everyones doing alright. remember to reach out

 

[Hex Poisonous]

I've had to fight my own on and off, luckily I feel stable at the moment.