Lifestyle Recovery Milestones

[uppa]

art by uppa | approved by dave

context (tw)

As of writing up this post, I'm closing in on two years clean from self harm, as well as two years recovered from anorexia. This thread is a tribute to my mom, dad, brothers, Peyton, Kate, Sydney, Camille, Ady, Gwen, and everyone else who's shared this journey with me. :)

What is this thread?
This thread is a space for people to celebrate their recovery and have themselves heard. It could be a week without smoking, a month without self-harm, a year sober, etc. The point of this thread is to foster an environment for people to share their progress, and hopefully inspire others to keep going. You may be as reserved or as bombastic as you like; share only to the degree you're comfortable with.

Rules:

• No bummers! The purpose of this thread is not to vent or post solely about the "valleys" of your recovery. Please try to keep discussion overall positive and uplifting.
• Treat topics with respect. Don't haha react vulnerable posts.
• If you feel as though your post could trigger others, through mention of the amount, degree, or means of a destructive behavior, please use a trigger warning. Generic mentions of sensitive topics will not require a trigger warning.
• No memes, flaming, or spam, obviously.
• Although it pains me to exclude anyone's experience, please refrain from discussing recovery from addictions of a sexual nature, as per global rules.

Addendum:

• Here's a list of helplines that I stole from the mental wellness thread.
• Thanks all for your time <3

 

[mushamu]

I recently stopped self harming as much and started identifying more subconscious ways that I self harm. The main form of self harming was using substance abuse (video games) to numb out my emotions but as recovery went on I realized that overworking myself and isolation are also ways I self harm myself.

One thing I tried was that every time I self harmed using video game addiction, I would draw a line on my face with a big black sharpie to "show" the damage it causes me. I figured that it shows the exact affect of the behavior (much like taking money out of a wallet does compared to spending it on a card).

I'm glad since it shows that I'm making progress and it gives me more "levels" to combat the final boss which is my borderline personality disorder.

 

[uppa]

I recently stopped self harming as much and started identifying more subconscious ways that I self harm. The main form of self harming was using substance abuse (video games) to numb out my emotions but as recovery went on I realized that overworking myself and isolation are also ways I self harm myself.

I'm glad since it shows that I'm making progress and it gives me more "levels" to combat the final boss which is my borderline personality disorder.

Self-harm and sabotage come in many forms, I'm glad you've been able to identify some that you deal with. I like the "level" metaphor, recovery is very incremental in that way. Thank you for sharing. <3

 

[Maia]

cw: self-harm

I'm two months clean from self-harm as of this past Sunday. At my lowest points, I would physically hurt myself just to feel anything at all and to punish myself for everything I've done wrong (which, in my mind, is just about everything). This isn't the first time I've been clean for a while after a relapse and there's a good chance that it won't be the last, but all I can do is my best to keep fighting the urges.

Lots of love to anyone going through anything similar. Hope everyone is able to find peace and recovery <3

 

[uppa]

Today marks two years clean from self harm, as well as just over two years into my recovery from anorexia. It's hard to give words of concrete advice, since everyone's situation and mental state is entirely unique. To avoid spouting both generic and useless advice, I'm gonna take the opportunity to reflect on my own experience. Please take away what you will:

tw: self harm discussion

There's many facets to why people are ashamed of their self-harm scars. For most they're like a permanent reminder of the absolute lowest point in their lives, like a parting shot from their past selves so that they can never really 'look' or 'be' recovered. They take decades to fade, and most will look similar at a month old to a few years old. There's an inherent shame to having scars as well, like you're unwillingly broadcasting your struggles to anyone who sees you. It can be hard to overcome this, but not impossible. I'm not a self-actualized therapist/prophet, but I'd at least like to share my experience on how I became 'okay' with my scars. At a certain point, after the stress of seeing my scars every day had subsided to a simmering discomfort, I thought about why they happened, and the ways in which they had altered my life. It's hard to explain in full while sparing the details of my situation, but I concluded that a timeline where I have no scars doesn't guarantee a happier and healthier 'me'. Scars are a tradeoff I had made, a butterfly effect that contributed to the circumstances of my recovery. I realize that framing it this way is a bit naive, but I think any rationalization that helps you accept yourself more is valid. I am a human body, and my scars were simply another crossroads that have altered my life, for worse and for better. Let us all live in the moment, and appreciate the path we've taken when we can.

 

[Eledyr]

Cw: depression, suicidal thoughts

I'm slowly but surely recovering from a period of depression. It's hard to evaluate how long it has been, but it's started approximately in September. At my worst I was feeling like I was worth nothing, and that my life was absolutely meaningless. I thought there were no hope. Doing my everyday life was very difficult. But through medications and lot of help from my family, I've passed through this. It's not the first time I'm depressed, and even if it's incredibly hard, I know things will be better. I'm stronger than my disease.

Love and support to anyone having a similar disease. It's an incredibly nasty one, and even if the easy path is to forfeit, life is worth living it. I hope you all find your own way to recover

 

[Eledyr]

Also making a new post for something completely different.

A few people know that, but I'm type I diabetic (also known as insulin-dependent diabetes, the genetic one) almost since I was born. I've always had trouble dealing with this disease, averaging 12% of glycated hemoglobin since several years (for non-experts, there are severe risks for health to stay this high on sugar level. The average glycated hemoglobin for a non-diabetic person is at 6-7%, and diabetics aim for 7%). Now that you know the context, I'm proud to say I got my first glycated hemoglobin at 9% since the last 7 years. I'm on a path of recovering a decent sugar level. It's far from perfect, but I'm finally nowhere near from a high danger for my overall health.

Once again, love and support for any diabetic users around. Our disease is really unfair and I hope you all take care of your own health

 

[deetah]

I don't typically like to talk about my personal life much, but this month marks 3 years of being clean from OCD-caused BFRB (body-focused repetitive behaviors) self-harm, which I suffered from for nearly 6 years. Some days are absolutely still a struggle, but I am extremely proud of the progress I have made.

Always remember how strong you are, and suffering from a relapse does NOT make you horrible. It makes you human. There is light at the end of the tunnel

 

[mushamu]

I recently stopped self harming as much and started identifying more subconscious ways that I self harm. The main form of self harming was using substance abuse (video games) to numb out my emotions but as recovery went on I realized that overworking myself and isolation are also ways I self harm myself.

One thing I tried was that every time I self harmed using video game addiction, I would draw a line on my face with a big black sharpie to "show" the damage it causes me. I figured that it shows the exact affect of the behavior (much like taking money out of a wallet does compared to spending it on a card).

I'm glad since it shows that I'm making progress and it gives me more "levels" to combat the final boss which is my borderline personality disorder.

Follow up to this:

Today I think I made a lot of progress with addiction. I was feeling really weak and tired this morning when sitting in the college cafeteria and when I'm tired my mental health issues tend to come out. Usually I'd break my sobriety to video games and start laddering but this time was different where I just kinda loaded Pokemon Showdown up, sat there and debated about getting a game internally. In the middle of debating I started looking for ways to stop relapsing and it felt like I was stalling for time to not play video games until the urges went away, and they eventually did.

The notable thing is that when I was fighting and debating on whether or not I should engage with my addiction it felt like there was an ongoing battle within myself between me and my urges. It felt like every time my urges told me to do something, the me that was fighting against them would reason and be like "you know what's going to happen" and prevent me from playing and using any method to stop me from getting a game. Because deep inside me I really do know what's going to happen, "just one game" always leads to me being incredibly emotionally disregulated in one way or another since I know I do it to numb my feelings.

This feels like a milestone because I've been doing a lot of therapy related things recently and addiction is basically my way of coping of not having basic life skills and a personality disorder, so it shows that I've been getting better and healthier to the point where I can say "no" to substance abuse even when I'm weaker. To anyone else who's on recovery, remember that it's not a battle but a war, and a lost battle does not mean that the war is lost.

 

[Platinum God n1n1]

Over the past ~2 years I have consistently been drinking at least one or two alcoholic drinks at least 5 or 6 days out of the week, which I believe is way too unhealthy for me. Although I don't drink to the point of being drunk, usually just to enjoy and relax. But prior to the past couple of years I have gone through periods of abusing alcohol that usually was a way to deal with boredom and feeling sad which was definitely bad for me in more ways than 1.
Over the past 2 weeks I have only drank on 2 days without setting a goal. It happend as I have been being focused on fitness now that I have a new fitness tracker. The fitness tracker app has a feature to log behaviors like drinking so you can see how these effect your metrics. I am very pleased that it has encouraged me to be better about moderation and hope that I stick with it. And hope this is not just an activity I phase out of over time

 

[Stories]

Finally reached my weight gain goal of 120 lbs, spent the last few years at sub-100 lbs so this feels amazing. This is only compounded with the HRT I get to be be on sometimes (wish it was more but w.e). I took a 6-month break from smogon after SCL last year after relapsing from not taking any of my meds (anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, HRT) and I've never felt happier on this hellscape of a website. uppa has really helped me overcome my ED and our journey transitioning together has been beautiful ;-; I'm so thankful for her

 

[IcyScream]

CW: SH

Until reading this thread today I didn't recognize what I had done as self harm. I naively thought that cutting was the only type of sh, but from the ages of 10-12 I used to

Spoiler

Punch myself, bash my head against walls, throw myself into walls, and choke myself, all with the intent to hurt myself

Typing it out now it seems extremely obvious, but its amazing what your brain will do to trick you. That would make me 5 years clean, and if I can do it I know all of you can also do it! I'm super proud of each and every one of you, weather you've been clean for a day or for a decade, I know you can do it <3

 

[April]

Quick content warning for mentions of underage drug use and drug use as a form of self harm; I was an adult (over 18) for anything I'm going to seriously discuss, but per US law I was not of the legal age of consumption, hence the C/W. This post strongly discourages you from making the same mistakes I've done, but know I support harm reduction above all. If you're struggling at all with the same issues I outline here, please know you aren't alone and it's never too late to make the change

I'm about 3 months free from daily cannabis use, and just under a month free from using it at all. i'm also a month free from cigarettes but i was only hooked on those for like 3 weeks so it doesnt count Now, I want to preface this by pointing out that I don't think weed itself is inherently harmful and that this isn't going to stop me from pursuing a career path in the field. I do know, however, that addictive tendencies and substance dependance run extremely deep in my family and deeply affected me on a personal level. My problem wasn't because weed is bad or anything, this is purely a personal problem and me just not being responsible enough to have it in my own life in any major capacity.

I've formed a bit of a reputation on this site and especially in affiliated Discord servers for being a stoner. To be entirely fair to everyone, I did really play into it in a way that I regret a lot in hindsight. For a large part of the year, cannabis and my use of it was a major part of my online persona, to the point where it was expected for me to be either smoking or coming down when I was online. Playing into the persona just encouraged me to use it more and more, though, to the point where it was seriously harming my relationships and my responsibilities. Fighting against that persona has been a major part of my recovery, and I'm thankful to all of my friends who've been by my side while I try to restructure my image away from it.

This next section details the full-ish story of my addiction and the following recovery. Please turn away if you aren't comfortably reading in detail about substance abuse

<3

Starting around January of this year, I was going through some of the worst depression of my life. This had been a recurring issue for years, since I was a young teenager, but it felt especially bad this time now that I had the extra burden of being an adult who was supposed to be working. This overwhelming pressure led me to look for any methods I could to escape. My primary escape for a while was this site itself, but soon I grew unsatisfied with even that. In a moment of weakness, I spent a solid chunk of money on several weed products: gummies, a disposable cartridge, and some flower. Just 5 minutes after I hit the cartridge, all of that pressure started to ooze off of my shoulders. The overwhelming discontent I felt was replaced by a really nice relaxation, giggling and calling with friends without feeling like I was putting on a facade. It was nice, and when nothing else around me felt truly nice, I latched onto it badly.

It really progressed from there. I kept telling myself I was being responsible, but in actuality I was just making excuses for myself. I started taking the edibles, 25 MG each. At first it was just one at a time, and it was nice. It felt truly relaxing, I was just having a good time. As is the case with edibles, though, I built up my tolerance extremely quickly and found myself having to take more and more. First 2 gummies, then 3. This is when my highs started to get bad. I was getting anxious, I was feeling symptoms I didn't want to, and I was detaching myself from reality and especially my relationships. When I took 4 gummies (100 mg) for the first time, I started experiencing a symptom called "brain zaps". Have you ever been to a carnival or an arcade and they had a game where you sit in a chair, hold onto metal rods, and try to sit for as long as you can while the metal rods vibrate to simulate an electric shock? It felt exactly like that, but concentrated in my head. At first, it was a really fun novelty that, while odd, was sort of pleasurable. But then the next time I took a similar dose, I didn't feel any at all. I missed them. So, I started taking more and more, hitting my cart in between gummies, anything to get that rush again. The rush wasn't even pleasant anymore and I started feeling sick or anxious when it happened, but I needed that sensation. I didn't even realize until after the fact that I was deliberately getting too high as a form of self-punishment

This is when it developed from a mild problem to something I couldn't wave away anymore. It was having a physical impact, I was puking on the comedown and felt foggy whenever I wasn't high. I was taking edibles before family dinners, before going out with friends, because I couldn't handle being sober for any serious occasion. The worst part wasn't the physical problems though, it was the strain on these relationships. I started pushing away the people I cared for most because I was too busy getting high or recovering from a bad one. The worst point was in early summer when I took roughly 200 mg of THC trying to chase that rush again. My thoughts went from anxious to outright horrific, my deepest and darkest insecurities felt like they were constricting my limbs as awful thoughts raced through my head until I forced myself to fall asleep. I knew I had a problem after that, but I thought that simply lowering my intake would be the solution.

I stopped taking extremely high doses after that. That was progress, sure, but I thought that my problem was completely solved after that. I thought that everything was completely fine since I wasn't getting high to the point of being sick anymore, but I was still smoking or doing edibles almost daily. This pattern continued for a few months until I got the second wake-up call I needed. Two of my closest friends wanted to hang out and see a movie in the park, and they asked me to make some edibles for us. So, I did, in what I thought was a perfectly reasonable dose. I bragged about how strong they were, sure, but I thought that it was an acceptable amount, the kind that would make us have a good night and laugh about it in the morning. For me and my other friend with a tolerance, that was true, but for the second friend, that night wasn't as good at all. Just half of the edible had him way too high, and we had to leave to a darker section for him to lie down. At the time, I thought it was a badge of honor, but in the days after I started to really reanalyze the situation and realize that if a medium-high dose for me is enough to basically knock someone out for a few hours, I was still taking far too much.

I slowly trickled down my use even further after that. I stopped taking edibles entirely, as I realized that I was still getting too anxious and not enjoying my high far more often than not. My cannabis use was strictly flower-only from that point on, and it was more of a social tool than a serious crutch at that point. I'd smoke a bowl while playing video games with friends, or if I was feeling anxious or nauseous as a home remedy. I was still using it daily, but I could've ended my recovery there if I so wished. I wasn't regularly abusing it or using it as a self-harm method, it was just a part of my life. I knew deep down that it still wasn't good for me to be doing that much, though. It was unhealthy to feel a need to be high before any social interaction, let alone the physical ramifications of breathing in burnt plant matter every day. I made the choice to detox for a week at my mother's house as more of a symbolic gesture than anything physical, and told myself when I got home that I could only smoke a few times a week. It took effort, but slowly I went from smoking every day to 3 times a week and then to twice a week. That was the status quo up until mid-October, when I caught myself getting high with my cousins before a family event and realized I still didn't like that very much. I quit when I got home the day after, put everything in my drawer and refused to open it for days after. It took effort, but I did it. The only exception was Election Day, but can you blame me for that day specifically :p

And that's where I am now. Except the one day I mentioned, I haven't smoked weed in a month and a half. I chose today to make the milestone post because it also happens to be my one month anniversary of starting HRT and quitting a short-lived nicotine problem. I don't know what role I'm going to let weed or substances in general have in my life. I'm not mature enough to make that decision yet. I definitely don't plan on purchasing any more until I'm actually at the actual legal age to do so, but from there, who knows. Maybe by then I'll have the maturity and the self-control skills to let it be a healthy part of my life as an occasional treat. I certainly still plan to pursue a career in the cannabis field and I still plan to get that degree once I start school. In fact, recovering from a pretty serious problem with weed has only motivated me further to make sure people are consuming it safely and knowing exactly what they're getting into.

I want to thank all my friends who've stood by me during this time, it's been a really difficult year but with everyone around me cheering me on and helping me when I stumble, it's been a lot easier than it otherwise would be <3

 

[Max. Optimizer]

I offer my best greetings, Smogon,

It has almost been an entire year since my last post on the Smogon forums.
Some of you might be remember me, but I would not be surprised if I had faded back into obscurity.
Today, however, I want to welcome the opportunity to share an update with those of you who still care.

In early 2022, both my physical and mental health started hitting absolute rock bottom, leaving me unable to continue my positions here.
Late 2022, things would continue to spiral downwards even further, forcing me to permanently cut toxic people out of my life for my own sanity.
It is thus for this reason that I decided, with a heavy heart, to completely remove myself from this community and start focusing on my recovery.
I still do not know how and where I found the strength to keep going, but seeking out professional help turned out to be a good starting point.
It is something that I can only warmly recommend to everyone else reading this thread, striving towards their very own recovery milestones.

As some of you might know/remember, one of my main life goals has always been to become a professional translator.
I was raised trilingually and currently command six languages. It has been a passion of mine ever since I can remember.
To my surprise, however, high school orientation continuously tried to convince me that "it was not for me".
Thus, in my teenage naïveté, I decided to trust complete strangers, as opposed to my own interests and intuition.
This ended up costing me a lot of valuable time, forcing me to switch paths several times.

After finishing my Bachelor's degree in 2021, I felt like I had, after 11 years, finally managed to reach the point of life I wanted to be at.
However, to my soul-crushing disappointment, I had to find out that a Master's degree was deemed necessary to make it in this industry.
At this point, I had already sacrificed so much time to even get to this point and I was afraid having to spend even more years studying.
There was a nagging feeling of guilt at the back of my mind, since my parents had also sacrificed a whole lot to help me get this far.

My health was still at an absolute rock bottom at this point of time, and all of these setbacks had started to grow sisyphean in nature.
Completing a Master's degree in this state, all while trying to get back on my feet, seemed increasingly gargantuan and near impossible.

Today, however, I want to celebrate the fact that, against all odds, I managed to finish my Master's degree satisfactorily.
In hindsight, I know now why a Master's degree is a necessary prerequisite in the first place. I matured as a scholar, but also as a person.
As of today, I am a professional translator. A milestone that nobody can take from me anymore.
Today also marks the 29th anniversary of a franchise that has accompanied me during 25 of my current 32 years of being alive.
It is thus for this reason that I wanted to celebrate both of these occasions with some of the people here that know/remember me.
A special shout-out goes to Reisen who gave me a chance to practice as a translator as a non-native member of the French translation team.
My time with the team was short, but the invaluable experience gained with the team back in 2016 definitely also shaped me.
It pleases me greatly to have seen this section of Smogon grow, all the way from when there was only a French team. It has grown so much!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has supported me and still continues to support me.
Always believe in yourself, sometimes sacrifices turn out to be investments that will pay off later when the time is right.
Some things and people will unfortunately be lost along the way, but new things and people will fortunately be gained.

That said, villmols merci, vielen Dank, merci beaucoup, thank you very much, muchas gracias, and 很多写!

Sia later!

 

[ULTRA SPACE JAM]

Just to be extra safe in case people don't want to see some of the stuff I'm talking about here, I'll put my post behind a content warning.

cw: injury, surgery, general medical stuff

I posted about this in the mental health/wellness thread already, but just to re-iterate: I broke my ankle pretty badly on Monday. Now it's been almost a week since then. I know that's not a long time at all, but I feel like I've made some decent progress towards getting better in this first week.

For one thing, I've been learning how to use my crutches. They suck a lot, but they're one of my only ways of getting around right now. At first, I was just about falling with every other step I made with them. Now, though, I'm starting to get a feel for using the things. I'm keeping my balance a lot better than I was and I'm moving around at less of a snail's pace with them than before. They still suck to use and they're still super good at leaving me winded if I have to go too far (or go down my stairs, which to my displeasure has had to happen a few times now), but I'd say I'm doing pretty good at learning how to walk with them.

I also managed to get through my surgery on Friday without a problem! Well, mostly... I was told the surgery itself went super well, but pre-op kind of sucked because I was just so anxious. Other than that, the whole process went great. I'm pretty happy about it.

There's also the fact that I'm starting to get a bit sore now, but I've been managing with all the stuff I got to help with pain. Overall, this whole experience is going decently well. Well enough for me to consider this first week a good little milestone for my path to a full recovery, anyway.