Classic Hollywood whitewashing :^)
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Serious LGBTQ
- Thread starter Chinchou
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Classic Hollywood whitewashing :^)
so here's a story + me asking for all your expert gay opinions
In the past I have always been excessively sarcastic and mean to people because I was basically always sad all the time, and it was a way for me to vent a little and hide the fact that I wasn't happy with myself by feigning confidence. One of the reasons I was sad is because it's hard to find a meaningful relationship when you are gay and 17. One day, a good friend of mine messaged me after we had hung out and said he was unhappy with the way I was acting because it was overly negative and I decided he was right and that I wanted to change my lifestyle.....and tl;dr he helped me through it a lot and I was very appreciative.
Since then I have been developing feelings for him. Up until now I have been trying to talk myself out of it or brush it off, but it's getting out of hand because the feelings won't go away and I can't act on them because he is straight. I would like to just be good friends with him like I was before, but it's basically impossible now because my feelings for him make it really hard to treat him like a friend like I did before. So I guess my options are to stop talking to him completely until my feelings for him go away, which is difficult because he is the person I have talked to the most by far for like the past couple of months, and just try to suppress my emotions.
Has anyone been in a situation like this before? And what did you do etc.
In the past I have always been excessively sarcastic and mean to people because I was basically always sad all the time, and it was a way for me to vent a little and hide the fact that I wasn't happy with myself by feigning confidence. One of the reasons I was sad is because it's hard to find a meaningful relationship when you are gay and 17. One day, a good friend of mine messaged me after we had hung out and said he was unhappy with the way I was acting because it was overly negative and I decided he was right and that I wanted to change my lifestyle.....and tl;dr he helped me through it a lot and I was very appreciative.
Since then I have been developing feelings for him. Up until now I have been trying to talk myself out of it or brush it off, but it's getting out of hand because the feelings won't go away and I can't act on them because he is straight. I would like to just be good friends with him like I was before, but it's basically impossible now because my feelings for him make it really hard to treat him like a friend like I did before. So I guess my options are to stop talking to him completely until my feelings for him go away, which is difficult because he is the person I have talked to the most by far for like the past couple of months, and just try to suppress my emotions.
Has anyone been in a situation like this before? And what did you do etc.
crushes on straight friends are common (especially when you're in high school) and also totally unproductive. no particular advice beyond that, sorry.
Something similar happened to me too, but in college. I started taking dating seriously, and eventually went from convincing myself to believing that there were options to take my mind off of him. I knew it wasn't going to happen from the get-go, because he had a girlfriend for 12 years (they got married a few months ago). What made it worse is that it got to a point where we were comfortable proclaiming our mutual friendly love and respect for each other as people and artists. I never wanted to stop hearing him say "I love you", even though we didn't mean it the same way...
I actually never told him, I just talked through it with other friends because I was too afraid that I'd risk what we already had/still have if I said anything to his face. Getting it off my chest by vocalizing it helped, but I never got that closure. It's too late for me now, I don't have those urges anymore, but now and then, I wonder...
Been there done that, sorry bud it sucks :/ the way I got over it was by making other friends and literally just developing crushes on other people/going on dates. I don't think there's any other way out of it other than confessing your feelings for him and most likely getting rejected but hopefully be able to remain friends so that way there's closure, but I wouldn't recommend because this isn't TV and I have no idea how your friend would react lol. You can also try setting him up on dates and just vicariously be happy that he's happy, but if you're the jealous type again would not recommend.
Right, so it's been 9 days and I'm not sure if anything has changed between you and you're friend, but I've been in a similar situation when I was in high school. So, I had this very attractive straight friend that I played on the tennis team with, and he was the type of guy that had flirtatious tendencies and it just seemed like he flirted with everyone (including me, which amplified my attraction towards him). I kinda had the same frustrations as you where it was basically a crush that wouldn't go away and it was something that I couldn't act on because he identified as straight. Well, I told this girl (who we were both friends with and she was also on the tennis team) that I liked my friend, and she ended up telling him (you can imagine how embarrassed and pissed off 17 year old me was when I found out she did that). So, for maybe a week him and I were avoiding each other because it just got really awkward. But, things starting shifting towards the positive when I forgave my friend after she came crying to me that she was sorry, and the guy and I ended up talking and getting closure, and things just went back to normal with everybody being friends again. And, being 22 now, that crush has diminished a long ass time ago.
Basically, having crushes on straight guys is something that young gay men go through. It happens. But, crushes also go away, and it's probably only a matter of time before that happens for you. You can try telling a friend that won't tell him if you need to talk about it, or you can just tell him and maybe that might accelerate the ending of the crush (just be careful with this option as I have no idea how he would respond). Since you're 17, you can try some dating apps when you turn 18 to talk to other gay men (which that might cause your crush to go away if you meet someone that you connect with), and maybe get a meaningful relationship.
It helps to vent, even if not directly to the guy. Telling another close friend is usually best, because vocalizing it helps (it feels worse when it is internalized, because your mind starts thinking way too hard). Or you can vent to us, I'm sure that there are plenty of willing ears here. That alone might be enough, but it also helps to not dwell on it so much. Join clubs, find a hobby, or even going on dates are all ways to remove some of the focus so that you aren't dwelling on him so much, without having to remove him from your life (even temporarily). If those don't appeal, try hanging out with other friends more often, especially in small groups. Yeah, just being happy that he's happy would be ideal, but that won't immediately help you either. Still, I would suggest trying for that if you can so that over time this becomes less romantic and more familial.
If nothing works, think of it this way: you are almost about to go to college, or whatever your plans are after high school. This type of transition means that it's natural for people to lose some contact with each other, eve if you are still the best of friends. Occasional absence might help take your mind off him, and you might find someone else easier because of that. When all is said and done, if nothing can distract you from it, maybe you should risk it and tell him the truth. That's a last resort tbh, but it's really your judgement whether the risk is worse than keeping those feelings to yourself. Sadly, this is a common thing for our community, and reality bites. No matter what path you take though, even if the worst happens, you'll eventually get over it (sorry this last one is so cliche and slightly callous, but it is the truth that time does heal the best).
So proud of you!
Having interest in things that are stereotypical to the other gender is not transsexuality - that's merely gender non-conformism (or that's a term that sounds accurate to me). The feeling you describe that your male body does not belong on you is what defines it.
I feel myself to be different to that - I have a strong interest in adorable things, bright and colorful worlds, fairies, rainbows etc. over stuff like gun violence, motor sports, heavy machinery and big muscle guys. However, I'm fine with being male irl. What I did notice is that when I play video/tabletop games where I make a character, I can't bring myself to properly play a male character who is not me. That problem is no longer a thing if my avatar is female. It gets really harsh when those feminine things never get put into a solid game, instead only existing as cheap shovelware (There's a few good ones I found, such as Fairy Bloom Freesia).
Yo it's really uncool to invalidate someone's lived experiences like that, especially when they're just coming out in a wider environment. Yes, you can be gender non-conforming without being trans and most people are in some way because of how widely-permeating and inflexible we are in gendering concepts, but there's no need to invalidate her. You can also be trans without experiencing dysphoria.
Feeling alienated from signifiers strongly coded as a particular gender isn't a sign for everyone because there's no universal trans experience, but it can be a strong indicator for a lot of trans people that prompts a lot of the internal questioning that leads them to realise they're trans. I have a huge interest in a lot of stereotypically 'girly' and a lot of stereotypically 'boyish' things and I wondered if my confusion as to how I related to them and my constant questioning of my identity was simply a result of reacting to the invasiveness of gender stereotypes in society, since it seemed a natural reaction, but it was also one of the first signs I had that I was uncomfortable with not only the gender roles and ideas being assigned to me (which were further making me dysphoric) but that I didn't feel at ease with identifying with that gender.
And surprise surprise, seven years after deciding to go back into the (trans) closet, I'm out again. =/ Sorry if it seems like I'm being harsh, just felt that was real inappropriate, but it's so hard for trans people already, especially who don't fit in the main narrative, to feel comfortable with challenging gender in such a huge way and to have it understood as a serious and interior part of identity, without being told constantly by people they're wrong for whatever reasons. ofc it's up to m00ns to react as she likes.
Questioning internally (if it's not damaging)/socially is good and should be encouraged but let's not tell people who are coming out and figuring out things about themselves as they are now that their way of identifying themselves was wrong.
Of course I do have a lot of thoughts about stuff like that, or stuff even she raised like the 'i discovered i was trans at age x' narrative in culture (even as someone who realised they were trans before they knew you could be trans) because societally we need to recognise the diversity of trans experiences and identities as not necessarily innate (because like she said stuff like that can happen and not mean being trans), but it's a wildly inappropriate criticism to apply to an individual.
ANYWAY: I wish you the best of luck, m00ns, with figuring out where to go next and with your dysphoria (you probably know what you're describing is gender dysphoria and it can make things utterly unbearable, but transitioning or not there may be things you can do to help cope with it). We're here for you! I think everyone's experience with gender and realising how they relate to it varies; there's a culturally dominant idea of the trans childhood (especially for trans women) and the trans Discovery but I think even in this thread we've all had so many different experiences in our childhood and adolescence and weight some more than others. Dysphoria is the one that made it unignorable for me too fwiw. I appreciated reading your experience and am cheering for you :3
Feeling alienated from signifiers strongly coded as a particular gender isn't a sign for everyone because there's no universal trans experience, but it can be a strong indicator for a lot of trans people that prompts a lot of the internal questioning that leads them to realise they're trans. I have a huge interest in a lot of stereotypically 'girly' and a lot of stereotypically 'boyish' things and I wondered if my confusion as to how I related to them and my constant questioning of my identity was simply a result of reacting to the invasiveness of gender stereotypes in society, since it seemed a natural reaction, but it was also one of the first signs I had that I was uncomfortable with not only the gender roles and ideas being assigned to me (which were further making me dysphoric) but that I didn't feel at ease with identifying with that gender.
And surprise surprise, seven years after deciding to go back into the (trans) closet, I'm out again. =/ Sorry if it seems like I'm being harsh, just felt that was real inappropriate, but it's so hard for trans people already, especially who don't fit in the main narrative, to feel comfortable with challenging gender in such a huge way and to have it understood as a serious and interior part of identity, without being told constantly by people they're wrong for whatever reasons. ofc it's up to m00ns to react as she likes.
Questioning internally (if it's not damaging)/socially is good and should be encouraged but let's not tell people who are coming out and figuring out things about themselves as they are now that their way of identifying themselves was wrong.
Of course I do have a lot of thoughts about stuff like that, or stuff even she raised like the 'i discovered i was trans at age x' narrative in culture (even as someone who realised they were trans before they knew you could be trans) because societally we need to recognise the diversity of trans experiences and identities as not necessarily innate (because like she said stuff like that can happen and not mean being trans), but it's a wildly inappropriate criticism to apply to an individual.
ANYWAY: I wish you the best of luck, m00ns, with figuring out where to go next and with your dysphoria (you probably know what you're describing is gender dysphoria and it can make things utterly unbearable, but transitioning or not there may be things you can do to help cope with it). We're here for you! I think everyone's experience with gender and realising how they relate to it varies; there's a culturally dominant idea of the trans childhood (especially for trans women) and the trans Discovery but I think even in this thread we've all had so many different experiences in our childhood and adolescence and weight some more than others. Dysphoria is the one that made it unignorable for me too fwiw. I appreciated reading your experience and am cheering for you :3
What I said was basically that m00ns actually is trans and that liking things associated with the other gender doesn't mean you are.
hey everyone! i'm ada and i was debating whether to post in this thread until i saw m00ns's post because 1) Hell Yes, congratulations! and 2) i'm in the same boat, so it's nice to see this here! i'm a completely non-passing, HARDCORE closeted trans girl (only for another year though! then i can move out and start transition) and i'm fairly eh on femininity (in the "feminine things are nice but not my primary motivation" sense). i joke about being the ultimate butch lesbian a lot but i'm honestly unsure about my sexuality? i know for a fact i love girls; i used to identify as bi, but the more i interact with boys the more i think . . . no. so that's my current debate with myself, because i'm still attracted to men in theory, but in practice i just nope (and we won't even get into nonbinary people . . .)
I'm bi, only accepted it very recently. I used to push aside the thought 'You like girls, there's no way you're gay.' is what I'd tell myself a lot, but I noticed I was looking at more guys and feeling attracted to them physically n shit, got very confused w/ myself for a bit yadda yadda yadda. After a while of thinking to myself I just accepted it's who I am and it aint changing.
Though,I'm not exactly eager to come out though, for three reasons:
1. My parents totally called it when I was younger and they ain't getting the satisfaction in knowing they were right when I denied it, well, at least until I'm no longer an angsty teen.
2. High school is a weird place right? You do something and it's your label for 1-6 years. I'd rather be known as 'that nerd that's p chill' than 'the bisexual guy'. There are two openly gay guys in my year and it's basically what they are to most people 'the gay guys', it's kinda sad.
3. Despite being a rather accepting generation, people here are still quick to bring up being lgbt+ as being a negative trait and won't hesitate to harrass you on it.
Actually, thinking about it, this is the first time I've told anyone explicitly, damn.
Though,I'm not exactly eager to come out though, for three reasons:
1. My parents totally called it when I was younger and they ain't getting the satisfaction in knowing they were right when I denied it, well, at least until I'm no longer an angsty teen.
2. High school is a weird place right? You do something and it's your label for 1-6 years. I'd rather be known as 'that nerd that's p chill' than 'the bisexual guy'. There are two openly gay guys in my year and it's basically what they are to most people 'the gay guys', it's kinda sad.
3. Despite being a rather accepting generation, people here are still quick to bring up being lgbt+ as being a negative trait and won't hesitate to harrass you on it.
Actually, thinking about it, this is the first time I've told anyone explicitly, damn.
I've been watching this thread for a bit, and I feel like I can finally post here. For anyone who I've told that I'm out IRL that's reading this, sorry, but that isn't true. However, that shouldn't matter either, because I'm out to most of my friends on Smogon and PS!, and my standing IRL shouldn't affect them (thanks for wording that Eevee General rof). Anyways......
I am homosexual. I found out because in sixth grade (around then), everyone was starting to develop crushes on people (actual crushes, not just stupid "lets look cool and date" shit), and so was I; however, unlike the other people, the crushes I was developing were not towards girls. I thought that it was normal and that everyone just pretended to like the opposite gender, so I was like, "okay." However, I later found out during the summer between 7th and 8th grade that was not the case, which made the realization come to me. The realization, that I was gay. Only one person IRL knows about this, and I'm planning on that being the case until I'm more comfortable with telling more people that I'm friends with. I was planning on telling my best friend that I have known since third grade, but he was asking me on my opinion on gay marriage etc (how coincidental) and he was saying things like, "Why would they do this," and "I don't agree with this at all," making me realize that he was not a good option for someone to tell. While some of my friends here already know about this, I'm only now posting because from what I've seen, this thread is very safe; I just wanted to be sure of that first.
(shoutout to m00ns to giving me the courage to post in here :])
:)
I am homosexual. I found out because in sixth grade (around then), everyone was starting to develop crushes on people (actual crushes, not just stupid "lets look cool and date" shit), and so was I; however, unlike the other people, the crushes I was developing were not towards girls. I thought that it was normal and that everyone just pretended to like the opposite gender, so I was like, "okay." However, I later found out during the summer between 7th and 8th grade that was not the case, which made the realization come to me. The realization, that I was gay. Only one person IRL knows about this, and I'm planning on that being the case until I'm more comfortable with telling more people that I'm friends with. I was planning on telling my best friend that I have known since third grade, but he was asking me on my opinion on gay marriage etc (how coincidental) and he was saying things like, "Why would they do this," and "I don't agree with this at all," making me realize that he was not a good option for someone to tell. While some of my friends here already know about this, I'm only now posting because from what I've seen, this thread is very safe; I just wanted to be sure of that first.
(shoutout to m00ns to giving me the courage to post in here :])
:)
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Not coming out is a legitimate option, imo. There are plenty of stable fixtures in my life I'd pretty much never see myself disclosing my queer ID to, and many more (even in GSA spaces) I haven't bothered telling just because of the long-winded explanation and 20 questions that follows.
Common acceptance of slurs (and creative ones like... "genderfucked") are a big reason I'm going to assume ignorance from a peer...
Common acceptance of slurs (and creative ones like... "genderfucked") are a big reason I'm going to assume ignorance from a peer...
is something as silly as genderfucked really on the level that it can be considered a slur?
It's more something that someone who is ostensibly "genderfucked" might not appreciate. I've only actually heard it once from someone who happened to be a cis drag queen, which all in all comes off as pretty offensive/ignorant, especially from a GSA circle which had trouble repeatedly deadnaming and misgendering a member a while after they came out...
yeah, it's not necessarily as harmful as a slur (depending on the person and situation, that is) but it's definitely an assholish term to use. i personally wouldn't mind "genderfucked" in most situations, but i'm pretty resilient when it comes to such things; i can think of some people who would have issues with it.
and you've also pinpointed the reason i dodge GSA circles most of the time (aside from living in the bible belt; there are maybe half a dozen of them in the state anyways). damned by faint praise; yes, i've better odds of finding non-transphobic people there than most other places, but it's easier imo to stick to close friends than to out myself to dozens of people and hope it goes well.
i really don't get where you're coming from with this, but i think that's just me not understanding that kind of thing in general, lol.
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