Friends: in the spirit of effortposting I bring to you something that has been in my sandbox for more than two years. Today I bring to you the most niche post out of all the niche posts that I can think of. Sit back and let me tell you a tale... the tale of the FreeCreditReport.com band.
Section I - Introduction:
According to Wikipedia (I looked it up because my memory was kind of hazy on the exact dates), FreeCreditReport.com's started an ad campaign in 2007 that consisted of a band singing catchy songs about the lead singer's poor credit score/history. The original run lasted from late 2007 to early 2010 and spanned nine different commercials. In order to better educate yourself, I've included an embedded link right beneath this paragraph. Please enjoy the next 4 minutes and 38 seconds of nostalgia (if you lived in the United States) and musical bliss.
Whether you grew up with these tunes or not, you have to admit that there are some certified BANGERS contained within those nine commercials. I was in elementary school at the time and it felt like everyone knew the lyrics to at least some of these and every time a new FreeCreditReport.com commercial came out everyone would talk about how good the song was, and that we wished there were like, full versions or something that we could listen to. Yes it sounds ridiculous. But it is also a true story. These silly little commercials were actually... a part of my childhood? Hard to say that without sounding ridiculous but I have fond memories of these songs and still know almost all the words by heart.
Section II - The FreeCreditReport.com Cinematic Universe:
I think part of the charm of these commercials and why I remember almost all the words is that there was a lot of love put into not only the tunes themselves, but the actual visual productions as well. There were stories told here that were actually interconnected throughout the commercials and I think that that's a nice little nod to people who actually pay attention to these kinds of things. In the following section, I'm going to post the lyrics to each of these commercials and then write a short blurb about the commercial itself and how it's connected to any of the other commercials. As far as I'm aware, no one has ever transcribed the lyrics of these songs before so that's fun I guess lol. (2025 EDIT: The previous sentence was written in 2022 and I was not aware that people on Genius had posted lyrics for all of the songs, but the following are original transcriptions). Anyway...
Our story begins with "Singing Pirates."
This is the one that started it all. From my experience, this is the commercial that people remember the most, as it was first and I think was played on and off all the way through the end of the ad campaign if memory serves. Not only is it a great tune though, but there are some common motifs that you'll find throughout some of the other commercials as well. One of which is the pirate hat that the drummer is wearing, it turns up on the hi-hat of his drum set in other commercials. But I think more importantly, this is the first appearance of the disapproving old woman (shown eating a meal in the restaurant). This is the first of four commercials that she appears in, making her the most common "extra" that we'll see throughout our journey. Keep her in mind later.
Next up is "Dream Girl."
As far as the jingles go, this one isn't one of the more memorable ones but it does introduce a bit of lore. The lead singer has a wife and lives with her in the basement of his in-laws. Not an ideal situation, but hey, that's what happens when your identity gets stolen and your wife defaults on a credit card. Rough situation to be sure, especially because he says he'd rather be a bachelor, but as time goes on we'll see that the wife actually sticks around.
"New Car" was the next one released.
Now THIS. This is a certified banger of a song. I could listen to this shit all day lol, it is my clear favorite and (spoiler alert) is going to be number one in the power rankings later on. The music is perfect, there's a callback to the original with the pirate hat in the backseat of the car, it introduces some characters we'll see later (the women that laugh at the posse)... I mean what more could you want? I think this is up there for most people as one of the most memorable as well just because of how good the music is.
Following this was "Renaissance Faire."
This is a pretty good song too, about average as far as all the jingles go but I think it does a lot for the word-building of the FreeCreditReport.com Cinematic Universe. We find out that the guy has (presumably) moved out of his basement apartment and moved into the Renaissance Faire. Kind of a ridiculous premise but hey, these are just commercials. My guess is that his wife is still with him, as there's a woman who brushes by him in a similar manner to the way the wife did in "Dream Girl," but it's hard to tell if it's the same woman so this is just head canon. What's great though is that there's an explicit callback to the first commercial, not just a subtle hint like in "New Car," and our disapproving old woman is back! This time instead of being a customer at the restaurant she appears to be working(?) at the Renaissance Faire along with the rest of the band. Always nice to see an appearance from her.
Up next was "Bicycle."
This is another really really catchy one that I like a lot. Just makes you bob your head back and forth. We get some good lore in this one too, though. This is the first time we see a real reason for why the disapproving old woman is disapproving... lead singer blows right through her stop sign (she's working as a traffic aide in this one)! Maybe they have a history of rambunctious behavior that caused her to scowl at them in the restaurant and at the Renaissance Faire. You have to wonder. Also, the band seems to be practicing in a garage now. You gotta think that this is because they moved out of the Renaissance Faire and were thankfully able to find a place in the suburbs. Also, RIP to the used sub-compact. It was traded in for a bike. Life sure is rough for this lead singer, especially because we see no mention of the wife again for awhile yet.
The next commercial aired was "Rock Star."
I'll be real, as far as the songs go this is kind of a swing and a miss for me. Like, it's okay, but definitely not some of their best work. There's not even a lot of lore to go over in this song's commercial either, just the fellas working a new job, this time as servers/valets for some hot-shots at a party. We don't see the wife, the disapproving old woman, any old callbacks, etc. Probably up there for weakest entry. Still not awful though.
Following this was "Roller Coaster."
Hey, we're getting a little better this time! Not the best jingle, but certainly better than Rock Star, so that's an improvement. I do really like the simple yet effective explanation of how credit score works in this song actually. It's nowhere near comprehensive but hey at least they're trying, right? Also there is a slight callback in this one that you might have missed: the band member that took over for the DJ in Rock Star apparently got to keep the headphones, because he's wearing them in this commercial (you can see them best when he's trying not to "hurl" in the second row of the roller coaster).
"Cell Phone" was the next certified banger.
After "Rock Star" and "Roller Coaster" you may have thought that the band was out of hits. However, they came back and proved everybody wrong with "Cell Phone." This is SUCH a good jingle, and may have been the one that sparked the "man I wish they had full versions of these" conversations. At the very least they should've made this one a ringtone lol. As far as the Cinematic Universe goes, we see in the store that the lead singer is actually recognized by people because these commercials exist in their world as well. Which is great for the singer until the girls realize that he's telling the truth in all his songs and gets laughed at for the old phone (the dinosaur) that he gets. It's hard to tell if they're the same people or not, but I think that the girls are supposed to be the same ones that were laughing at the posse in the used sub-compact, so this gets points for a callback too. But that's not even the best part! Because look at the foreshadowing with where the bus is headed...
That's right baby, it's "Reno!"
Before coming into this post, I would've told you Reno would be dead last in the power rankings (we'll get to that later). But man, was I wrong about this one; there's a lot going on here. First off, the song is better than I remembered, going with a more Western theme that I don't think I appreciated back when I was a kid. But man, the references to the rest of the Cinematic Universe are great! Maybe they knew this was the last one in the original run? But we see the return of the wife working as a server in the casino that the guys are performing in. And there's one final callback to the pirate hat too! The drummer can be seen whipping it about halfway through the commercial. We also get an appearance from everyone's favorite extra, the disapproving old woman, who is playing the slots in the establishment. Finally, I want to make a note of the guys that chime in with the "FreeCreditReport.com" in the song. These extras are only seen one time in all of the commercials but I think they really add a lot. Definitely was impressed with this upon a revisit, from both a musical and lore standpoint.
And that's it! Time to rank all of the... wait... what's this?
Section III - The FreeCreditScore.com Extended Universe:
That's right folks, there's more. In fact, unfortunately for you, who has already committed to reading this entire post, we're not even halfway done yet. That's because there are eleven more songs in what I am calling the FreeCreditScore.com Extended Universe. The original run of nine songs is what the vast majority of people remember, but after "Reno" there was actually a campaign to find a new band for a new slate of ads, with live auditions in a few cities around the U.S. and the ability for you, the viewer, to vote for which of the four finalists you thought should be the next face of FreeCreditScore.com. Notice the different website name. The website rebranded as FreeCreditScore.com for reasons unknown to me. So I think the head honchos wanted to rebrand with a new band as well (which I think was a mistake, but I digress). So we're going to go through and do a dive into all of these commercials as well. The following video has all 20 commercials in it, but fast forward to the 4:30 mark for the ones that were not in the original run.
Auditions for the New Band:
The Extended Universe begins with four different bands in four different commercials all vying for the title of new FreeCreditScore.com. These jingles range in quality from pretty good to pretty shitty. These will get ranked separately from the original nine, as I consider the Extended Universe to be similar to (insert Star Wars analogy here, idk, I never watched any besides the original six). For real this time, I don't think anyone has ever transcribed these lyrics before so enjoy. Anyway, let's see what these auditions are all about:
Audition #1:
I actually really like this one! Again, spoiler for the power rankings later but if I had voted in the nationwide campaign this is who I would've voted for. A common theme among the auditions are that there are no references to the lore from the old commercials (which make me sad) AND the fact that these are all being sung in third person, meaning that the charm of the original commercials is kind of dead too. It was funny to see the lead singer/band living through the experiences instead of having the songs be about other people. Anyway, that's not really the point here. This is a solid tune. I'd probably place it on the same level as "Dream Girl" if I were combining the rankings, just from a purely musical standpoint. Solid one to jam to.
Audition #2:
Alright no offense to Evolove (okay, maybe a little offense) but this song is kind of dogshit LOL. I don't have too much to say other than the lead singer's voice is fine I guess? But I think it's just a bad song. I think they were trying to go for a motif like the original band did in "Bicycle" but instead of spelling they counted... I can see what they were trying to do but it fell flat for me.
Audition #3:
...I don't really care for this one either. I think the song here is actually decent, I just get annoyed by the lead singer's voice. It just doesn't really do it for me, sounds very whiny. At least they have some of the lyrics in the background which made this one a bit easier to transcribe lol, so shoutout to I Love Monsters for their set design at least.
Audition #4:
This band was the one that ended up winning the whole thing. And honestly? I can kind of see why. I don't like it as much as entry #1, The Poets Dance, but this one is solid enough, I just wish I could've been able to make out all the lyrics lol. The song is catchy enough, and has a similar spirit I think to the original band. So while my preference would be to have the original band, followed by The Poets Dance, I can't be too upset with this pick. At least it wasn't Evolove or I Love Monsters thank god.
The New Band:
And thus, we usher in a new era, the era of the Victorious Secrets being the new FreeCreditScore.com band. According to the Wikipedia page, they actually changed their name to the American Secrets in order to avoid legal trouble with Victoria's Secret, but I like calling them by their original name because it's funnier and the legal issues don't apply to me. We begin a series of four commercials that are... fine. There's a reason why no one remembers these commercials like they do with the original run. They're perfectly fine jingles but none have the staying power that the original band had. Maybe that's just my nostalgia blinding me but I genuinely believe it to be true. Let's get into it.
"Credit Wipeout"
The new band starts us off with a beach-themed song, "Credit Wipeout." Honestly it's not bad, but it's not the new band's best work either. Pretty mid especially when compared to the old band, which is naturally what everyone is going to do. And as mentioned before there's no real continuity between the different jingles either, so that's really going to affect how these songs are perceived historically. Regardless, the close to the song is fun, especially with the ending chord being that "James Bond" chord, that was kind of unexpected but appreciated.
Next, we have "Global Nomad"
This one is the worst of the bunch from the new band. Like okay, it's not bad but the new band really were not putting out their best stuff at the start of their run. This jingle I think is kind of entertaining because of the visuals of the subject of the song going around the world and putting on a wide variety of outfits representing each of the countries, but musically there's nothing really standout going on here.
Up next, it's "Free 'Cause It's How It Oughta Be"
...Okay. Now THIS is a jingle. This is by far the new band's best song, and I think this one would actually rival some of the original band's best work had there been any continuity/connection to the other jingles that the new band wrote and performed. When going back and listening to the extended universe jingles, this actually unlocked a memory for me and I realized that I actually knew some of the words deep down in my brain. Considering this is the only one that had any kind of staying power in my memory, along with the fact that it's an actual good song IMO, this one will def take the top spot in the new band power rankings later on.
Finally from the new band: "College"
While not as good as the previous jingle, this one is still solid. Decent theme, good music, solid visuals in the commercial. It's about what I would expect from a "good" jingles band. Not too much else to say here.
...but that was it for the new band. I honestly consider it kind of a shame though. While the first two jingles they performed weren't nearly up the quality of the ones that the original band wrote, I think they did an especially good job with the third and a decently good job with the fourth. I think that they were going to really hit their stride, but alas, it was not meant to be. I remember as a kid being really excited for what came next, because I had some hard feelings toward the new band for replacing the originals. But looking back, I'm not so sure, because what did come next was...
The Return of the Old Band:
A cause for celebration! The old band that everyone knew and loved was back! That's right, before Hollywood was pumping out remakes and sequels to every existing IP, FreeCreditScore.com did it first. Though I gotta say, I think this represents kind of an identity crisis for the FreeCreditScore.com brand. They had something really good going with the original band, then replaced them with the rebranding of their website name, but just when the new band was starting to take hold, they went and reverted back to the original band who... I don't want to say were washed up, but the new three song run they went on did not have the same impact as the original nine song run. That said, there's still some good stuff buried in here. Mostly for continuity reasons, but they're musically okay as well.
First up in the return: "We're Back for More"
This really isn't that good of a song tbh. It's nice to see the original band getting back together (and they all seem like they're pretty successful too! Looks like they overcame their credit problems), but the musical quality is lacking. This is not nearly as much of an earworm as their original run, or even that one song by the new band. Still, I do appreciate the continuity in story-telling. The original guys are seen watching the new band's first commercial ("Credit Wipeout") and are thus inspired to get the band back together despite all being rich, hoity-toity folks now. The lead singer's wife can be seen walking by, but instead of scowling like normal, she's smiling and holding shopping bags. Nice! What's especially nice is the attention to detail that the tricked-out car they're driving is the same color as the used sub-compact from the "New Car" commercial. Hell yeah. And that makes it all the better when they pull up at the stoplight next to the girls from that same commercial. Such great callbacks and continuity that it makes up for the below average song. The only things that are really missing are a pirate hat and the disapproving old woman.
The band released "Swimming Pool" next:
While I think "Swimming Pool" is a better/catchier song than "We're Back for More," it still doesn't reach the same heights as the originals. I will say though, something I do enjoy about this jingle is that we do see the return of the disapproving old woman! That said, it seems to be a different actor this time around. I hope the original one is okay, I would hate for this to be like the scenario where they had to replace the original Dumbledore because the guy died. Prayers up for disapproving old woman.
Finally, we have "Set It Off"
Okay, so this is definitely the worst song from the original band. Which is a real shame, because this is the last one that we ever see from the FreeCreditScore.com guys. I think it's kind of similar to "Rock Star" in that they were going for a genre that they really just aren't good at. And it's nice to see musical experimentation from your favorite artists (I can't believe I just said "favorite" in reference to these guys oh my lord) but sometimes it's just better to stay in your lane. I do like the Rachmaninoff reference as a guy who plays classical piano so that's nice I guess. But I don't like how the lead singer's wife just kind of gets ditched in this one and now he's partying with random girls in the club. Maybe they divorced and she took half the money? Idk, that's just speculation. They could've at least made the club girls the same ones that were in the car commercial. Missed opportunity. I think the only real saving grace here is that disapproving old woman is back at the very end and is actually approving now, seems like she loves the music. So that's at least a nice way to wrap it up narratively but overall, this is kind of a disappointment.
And with that, we have a wrap on the FreeCreditScore.com Extended Universe!
Section IV - Power Ranking the Jingles:
...Okay NOW with all of that out of the way, we can finally get to power ranking these jingles. I've already spoiled the placements of some of these, and as I mentioned before we're separating these into four different power rankings (one for the original Cinematic Universe, and three separate ones for the Extended Universe). We'll start with the audition rankings, followed by the new band rankings, then the return of the original band, and finish on a high note with the original band's original run. I figure let's go in order from what people would care about least to what they would care about most so, again, we can finish on a high note.
Auditions Power Ranking:
New Band Power Ranking:
Original Band's Return Power Ranking:
Original Run Power Ranking
I know kids love Tier Lists, but I feel like four separate power rankings is better, and if you don't agree you can fight me on that.
Section V - Conclusion
...phew. That was certainly a lot to write and take in if you're unfamiliar with what the heck I was even talking about. This might actually be the longest post I've ever made on Smogon, which would actually be crazy if true. Regardless, I hope that y'all found this entertaining. Whether you think about this musical moment in history way too much like I do, or if it unlocked memories for you that you didn't know you had, or if you're just discovering these guys for the first time, I hope you at least learned something new and gained a better appreciation for jingles. Because they're important! Thanks for your time, and as always...
Offer applies with enrollment in triple advantage.
Section I - Introduction:
According to Wikipedia (I looked it up because my memory was kind of hazy on the exact dates), FreeCreditReport.com's started an ad campaign in 2007 that consisted of a band singing catchy songs about the lead singer's poor credit score/history. The original run lasted from late 2007 to early 2010 and spanned nine different commercials. In order to better educate yourself, I've included an embedded link right beneath this paragraph. Please enjoy the next 4 minutes and 38 seconds of nostalgia (if you lived in the United States) and musical bliss.
Section II - The FreeCreditReport.com Cinematic Universe:
I think part of the charm of these commercials and why I remember almost all the words is that there was a lot of love put into not only the tunes themselves, but the actual visual productions as well. There were stories told here that were actually interconnected throughout the commercials and I think that that's a nice little nod to people who actually pay attention to these kinds of things. In the following section, I'm going to post the lyrics to each of these commercials and then write a short blurb about the commercial itself and how it's connected to any of the other commercials. As far as I'm aware, no one has ever transcribed the lyrics of these songs before so that's fun I guess lol. (2025 EDIT: The previous sentence was written in 2022 and I was not aware that people on Genius had posted lyrics for all of the songs, but the following are original transcriptions). Anyway...
Our story begins with "Singing Pirates."
They say a man should always dress for the job he wants
So why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?
It's all because some hacker stole my identity
Now I'm in here every evening serving chowder and iced tea
Should've gone to free-ee credit report dot com (yeehaw)
I could've seen this coming at me like an atom bomb
They monitor your credit and send you email alerts
So you don't end up selling fish to tourists in t-shirts
So why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant?
It's all because some hacker stole my identity
Now I'm in here every evening serving chowder and iced tea
Should've gone to free-ee credit report dot com (yeehaw)
I could've seen this coming at me like an atom bomb
They monitor your credit and send you email alerts
So you don't end up selling fish to tourists in t-shirts
This is the one that started it all. From my experience, this is the commercial that people remember the most, as it was first and I think was played on and off all the way through the end of the ad campaign if memory serves. Not only is it a great tune though, but there are some common motifs that you'll find throughout some of the other commercials as well. One of which is the pirate hat that the drummer is wearing, it turns up on the hi-hat of his drum set in other commercials. But I think more importantly, this is the first appearance of the disapproving old woman (shown eating a meal in the restaurant). This is the first of four commercials that she appears in, making her the most common "extra" that we'll see throughout our journey. Keep her in mind later.
Next up is "Dream Girl."
Well I married my dream girl, I married my dream girl
But she didn't tell me her credit was bad
So now instead of living in a pleasant suburb
We're living in the basement at her mom and dad's
No we can't get a loan for a respectable home
Just because my girl defaulted on some old credit card
If we'd gone to free credit report dot com
I'd be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard
But she didn't tell me her credit was bad
So now instead of living in a pleasant suburb
We're living in the basement at her mom and dad's
No we can't get a loan for a respectable home
Just because my girl defaulted on some old credit card
If we'd gone to free credit report dot com
I'd be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard
As far as the jingles go, this one isn't one of the more memorable ones but it does introduce a bit of lore. The lead singer has a wife and lives with her in the basement of his in-laws. Not an ideal situation, but hey, that's what happens when your identity gets stolen and your wife defaults on a credit card. Rough situation to be sure, especially because he says he'd rather be a bachelor, but as time goes on we'll see that the wife actually sticks around.
"New Car" was the next one released.
Well I was shopping for a new car, which one's me?
A cool convertible or an SUV?
Too bad I didn't know my credit was whack
'Cause now I'm driving off the lot in a used sub-compact
F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com baby
Saw their ads on my TV, thought about going but was too lazy
Now instead of looking fly I'm rolling phat
My legs are sticking to the vinyl and my posse's getting laughed at
F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com baby
A cool convertible or an SUV?
Too bad I didn't know my credit was whack
'Cause now I'm driving off the lot in a used sub-compact
F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com baby
Saw their ads on my TV, thought about going but was too lazy
Now instead of looking fly I'm rolling phat
My legs are sticking to the vinyl and my posse's getting laughed at
F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com baby
Now THIS. This is a certified banger of a song. I could listen to this shit all day lol, it is my clear favorite and (spoiler alert) is going to be number one in the power rankings later on. The music is perfect, there's a callback to the original with the pirate hat in the backseat of the car, it introduces some characters we'll see later (the women that laugh at the posse)... I mean what more could you want? I think this is up there for most people as one of the most memorable as well just because of how good the music is.
Following this was "Renaissance Faire."
I was getting depressed 'cause of all of the stress I was feeling at home
Had a poor credit score and the number would haunt me wherever I go
But I moved to a place where my credit could stink and nobody would care
I just wish that somebody had told me that place was a renaissance faire
Free credit report dot com. Tell your friends, tell your dad, tell your mom
Never mind they've been singing our song since we first showed up with our pirate hats on
If you're not into fake sword fights, pointy slippers, and green wool tights
Take a tip from a knight who knows free credit report dot com let's go!
Had a poor credit score and the number would haunt me wherever I go
But I moved to a place where my credit could stink and nobody would care
I just wish that somebody had told me that place was a renaissance faire
Free credit report dot com. Tell your friends, tell your dad, tell your mom
Never mind they've been singing our song since we first showed up with our pirate hats on
If you're not into fake sword fights, pointy slippers, and green wool tights
Take a tip from a knight who knows free credit report dot com let's go!
This is a pretty good song too, about average as far as all the jingles go but I think it does a lot for the word-building of the FreeCreditReport.com Cinematic Universe. We find out that the guy has (presumably) moved out of his basement apartment and moved into the Renaissance Faire. Kind of a ridiculous premise but hey, these are just commercials. My guess is that his wife is still with him, as there's a woman who brushes by him in a similar manner to the way the wife did in "Dream Girl," but it's hard to tell if it's the same woman so this is just head canon. What's great though is that there's an explicit callback to the first commercial, not just a subtle hint like in "New Car," and our disapproving old woman is back! This time instead of being a customer at the restaurant she appears to be working(?) at the Renaissance Faire along with the rest of the band. Always nice to see an appearance from her.
Up next was "Bicycle."
Check it out gas prices blowing up sky high
Ditched my used sub-compact for a two-wheel ride
Now I'm rolling eco-friendly but I still look bad
When the bike store saw my credit they said this was all they had
I'm singing F to the R to the E to the E
To the C to the R to the E-D-I-T
Re to the Port to the Dot to the Com
Come on everybody grab your bike and sing along it's easy
F to the R to the E to the E...
Ditched my used sub-compact for a two-wheel ride
Now I'm rolling eco-friendly but I still look bad
When the bike store saw my credit they said this was all they had
I'm singing F to the R to the E to the E
To the C to the R to the E-D-I-T
Re to the Port to the Dot to the Com
Come on everybody grab your bike and sing along it's easy
F to the R to the E to the E...
This is another really really catchy one that I like a lot. Just makes you bob your head back and forth. We get some good lore in this one too, though. This is the first time we see a real reason for why the disapproving old woman is disapproving... lead singer blows right through her stop sign (she's working as a traffic aide in this one)! Maybe they have a history of rambunctious behavior that caused her to scowl at them in the restaurant and at the Renaissance Faire. You have to wonder. Also, the band seems to be practicing in a garage now. You gotta think that this is because they moved out of the Renaissance Faire and were thankfully able to find a place in the suburbs. Also, RIP to the used sub-compact. It was traded in for a bike. Life sure is rough for this lead singer, especially because we see no mention of the wife again for awhile yet.
The next commercial aired was "Rock Star."
When you're a rock star, you get to party hard
Champagne and caviar, tricked-out exotic cars
It's just how I thought it'd be, except the party's not for me
Because some punk opened a credit card with my ID
Free what? (Free credit) Report Dot Com
That's the site I'm gonna hit when I go home
They know how credit works, they send email alerts
Now I'm finding out how bad reality hurts
Champagne and caviar, tricked-out exotic cars
It's just how I thought it'd be, except the party's not for me
Because some punk opened a credit card with my ID
Free what? (Free credit) Report Dot Com
That's the site I'm gonna hit when I go home
They know how credit works, they send email alerts
Now I'm finding out how bad reality hurts
I'll be real, as far as the songs go this is kind of a swing and a miss for me. Like, it's okay, but definitely not some of their best work. There's not even a lot of lore to go over in this song's commercial either, just the fellas working a new job, this time as servers/valets for some hot-shots at a party. We don't see the wife, the disapproving old woman, any old callbacks, etc. Probably up there for weakest entry. Still not awful though.
Following this was "Roller Coaster."
Buckle up everybody, because we're taking a ride
It can strain your relationships and hurt your pride
It's the credit roller coaster and as you can see,
It kinda bites. So sing the lyrics with me
When your debt goes up, your scores goes down
When you pay a little off it goes the other way 'round
It's just the same for everybody, every boy and girl
The credit roller coaster makes you want to hurl
So throw your hands in the air, and wave 'em around
Like a wannabe frat boy trying to get down
And bring 'em right back to where your laptop's at
Log on to Free Credit Report Dot Com, stat.
It can strain your relationships and hurt your pride
It's the credit roller coaster and as you can see,
It kinda bites. So sing the lyrics with me
When your debt goes up, your scores goes down
When you pay a little off it goes the other way 'round
It's just the same for everybody, every boy and girl
The credit roller coaster makes you want to hurl
So throw your hands in the air, and wave 'em around
Like a wannabe frat boy trying to get down
And bring 'em right back to where your laptop's at
Log on to Free Credit Report Dot Com, stat.
Hey, we're getting a little better this time! Not the best jingle, but certainly better than Rock Star, so that's an improvement. I do really like the simple yet effective explanation of how credit score works in this song actually. It's nowhere near comprehensive but hey at least they're trying, right? Also there is a slight callback in this one that you might have missed: the band member that took over for the DJ in Rock Star apparently got to keep the headphones, because he's wearing them in this commercial (you can see them best when he's trying not to "hurl" in the second row of the roller coaster).
"Cell Phone" was the next certified banger.
Wanted to get myself a new cell phone
So I could hear myself as a ringtone
Who knew the store would go and check my credit score?
Now all they let me have is this dinosaur
Hello, hello, hello, can anybody hear me?
I know, I know, I know, I should've gone to
Free Credit Report Dot Com
That's where I should've gone, could've got my knowledge on
So I could hear myself as a ringtone
Who knew the store would go and check my credit score?
Now all they let me have is this dinosaur
Hello, hello, hello, can anybody hear me?
I know, I know, I know, I should've gone to
Free Credit Report Dot Com
That's where I should've gone, could've got my knowledge on
After "Rock Star" and "Roller Coaster" you may have thought that the band was out of hits. However, they came back and proved everybody wrong with "Cell Phone." This is SUCH a good jingle, and may have been the one that sparked the "man I wish they had full versions of these" conversations. At the very least they should've made this one a ringtone lol. As far as the Cinematic Universe goes, we see in the store that the lead singer is actually recognized by people because these commercials exist in their world as well. Which is great for the singer until the girls realize that he's telling the truth in all his songs and gets laughed at for the old phone (the dinosaur) that he gets. It's hard to tell if they're the same people or not, but I think that the girls are supposed to be the same ones that were laughing at the posse in the used sub-compact, so this gets points for a callback too. But that's not even the best part! Because look at the foreshadowing with where the bus is headed...
That's right baby, it's "Reno!"
We were stuck in a basement apartment
Tiny rooms that the sun never blessed
So when we needed space for a family
Set our sights on the wide open west
Well I thought we'd see sierra vistas
And breathe air pure as new-fallen snow
But my poor credit score was a stinker (FreeCreditReport.com)
Now we rent by the week in Reno
Tiny rooms that the sun never blessed
So when we needed space for a family
Set our sights on the wide open west
Well I thought we'd see sierra vistas
And breathe air pure as new-fallen snow
But my poor credit score was a stinker (FreeCreditReport.com)
Now we rent by the week in Reno
Before coming into this post, I would've told you Reno would be dead last in the power rankings (we'll get to that later). But man, was I wrong about this one; there's a lot going on here. First off, the song is better than I remembered, going with a more Western theme that I don't think I appreciated back when I was a kid. But man, the references to the rest of the Cinematic Universe are great! Maybe they knew this was the last one in the original run? But we see the return of the wife working as a server in the casino that the guys are performing in. And there's one final callback to the pirate hat too! The drummer can be seen whipping it about halfway through the commercial. We also get an appearance from everyone's favorite extra, the disapproving old woman, who is playing the slots in the establishment. Finally, I want to make a note of the guys that chime in with the "FreeCreditReport.com" in the song. These extras are only seen one time in all of the commercials but I think they really add a lot. Definitely was impressed with this upon a revisit, from both a musical and lore standpoint.
And that's it! Time to rank all of the... wait... what's this?
Section III - The FreeCreditScore.com Extended Universe:
That's right folks, there's more. In fact, unfortunately for you, who has already committed to reading this entire post, we're not even halfway done yet. That's because there are eleven more songs in what I am calling the FreeCreditScore.com Extended Universe. The original run of nine songs is what the vast majority of people remember, but after "Reno" there was actually a campaign to find a new band for a new slate of ads, with live auditions in a few cities around the U.S. and the ability for you, the viewer, to vote for which of the four finalists you thought should be the next face of FreeCreditScore.com. Notice the different website name. The website rebranded as FreeCreditScore.com for reasons unknown to me. So I think the head honchos wanted to rebrand with a new band as well (which I think was a mistake, but I digress). So we're going to go through and do a dive into all of these commercials as well. The following video has all 20 commercials in it, but fast forward to the 4:30 mark for the ones that were not in the original run.
Auditions for the New Band:
The Extended Universe begins with four different bands in four different commercials all vying for the title of new FreeCreditScore.com. These jingles range in quality from pretty good to pretty shitty. These will get ranked separately from the original nine, as I consider the Extended Universe to be similar to (insert Star Wars analogy here, idk, I never watched any besides the original six). For real this time, I don't think anyone has ever transcribed these lyrics before so enjoy. Anyway, let's see what these auditions are all about:
Audition #1:
How many credit cards is too many credit cards?
He's guessing seven cards probably are
'Cause now his credit score is seriously poor
He won't be able to afford a house or car
So he's working for the man to pay off all he can
And to see how he's doing, this is the site he's using
FreeCreditScore.com, FreeCreditScore.com
FreeCreditScore.com...
He's guessing seven cards probably are
'Cause now his credit score is seriously poor
He won't be able to afford a house or car
So he's working for the man to pay off all he can
And to see how he's doing, this is the site he's using
FreeCreditScore.com, FreeCreditScore.com
FreeCreditScore.com...
I actually really like this one! Again, spoiler for the power rankings later but if I had voted in the nationwide campaign this is who I would've voted for. A common theme among the auditions are that there are no references to the lore from the old commercials (which make me sad) AND the fact that these are all being sung in third person, meaning that the charm of the original commercials is kind of dead too. It was funny to see the lead singer/band living through the experiences instead of having the songs be about other people. Anyway, that's not really the point here. This is a solid tune. I'd probably place it on the same level as "Dream Girl" if I were combining the rankings, just from a purely musical standpoint. Solid one to jam to.
Audition #2:
If you were born with money coming out of your woohoo
Then this song probably doesn't apply to you
But if you're like most people I know
You could use some help understanding your credit score
So 1, 2, 3, 4
Free Credit Score
Dot Com on yeah
Dot Com on sing it
Then this song probably doesn't apply to you
But if you're like most people I know
You could use some help understanding your credit score
So 1, 2, 3, 4
Free Credit Score
Dot Com on yeah
Dot Com on sing it
Alright no offense to Evolove (okay, maybe a little offense) but this song is kind of dogshit LOL. I don't have too much to say other than the lead singer's voice is fine I guess? But I think it's just a bad song. I think they were trying to go for a motif like the original band did in "Bicycle" but instead of spelling they counted... I can see what they were trying to do but it fell flat for me.
Audition #3:
This girl I know's so into her social networking
She spends her whole day tweeting and status updating
But this girl should be friending FreeCreditScore.com
'Cause all that wireless spending has done her credit score wrong
With their score alerts she'd have seen it coming
She could've gone to work but now she's bumming
She spends her whole day tweeting and status updating
But this girl should be friending FreeCreditScore.com
'Cause all that wireless spending has done her credit score wrong
With their score alerts she'd have seen it coming
She could've gone to work but now she's bumming
...I don't really care for this one either. I think the song here is actually decent, I just get annoyed by the lead singer's voice. It just doesn't really do it for me, sounds very whiny. At least they have some of the lyrics in the background which made this one a bit easier to transcribe lol, so shoutout to I Love Monsters for their set design at least.
Audition #4:
Every day check the weather, check the time, check the news online
Check you wife, check your kids, check your email messages
Check the money in the bank, check the gas in the tank
Check that hottie walking by, wait, that's a dude no thanks
Check the new hairdo, check the mic 1, 2
'Cause I'm about to drop some knowledge right on top of you
Check a lot of things already why not add one more?
That can help your situation for sure
Check your credit score, FreeCreditScore.com
Free Credit Score, you won't regret it all
Check you wife, check your kids, check your email messages
Check the money in the bank, check the gas in the tank
Check that hottie walking by, wait, that's a dude no thanks
Check the new hairdo, check the mic 1, 2
'Cause I'm about to drop some knowledge right on top of you
Check a lot of things already why not add one more?
That can help your situation for sure
Check your credit score, FreeCreditScore.com
Free Credit Score, you won't regret it all
This band was the one that ended up winning the whole thing. And honestly? I can kind of see why. I don't like it as much as entry #1, The Poets Dance, but this one is solid enough, I just wish I could've been able to make out all the lyrics lol. The song is catchy enough, and has a similar spirit I think to the original band. So while my preference would be to have the original band, followed by The Poets Dance, I can't be too upset with this pick. At least it wasn't Evolove or I Love Monsters thank god.
The New Band:
And thus, we usher in a new era, the era of the Victorious Secrets being the new FreeCreditScore.com band. According to the Wikipedia page, they actually changed their name to the American Secrets in order to avoid legal trouble with Victoria's Secret, but I like calling them by their original name because it's funnier and the legal issues don't apply to me. We begin a series of four commercials that are... fine. There's a reason why no one remembers these commercials like they do with the original run. They're perfectly fine jingles but none have the staying power that the original band had. Maybe that's just my nostalgia blinding me but I genuinely believe it to be true. Let's get into it.
"Credit Wipeout"
Surf's up, everybody get your boards and your wetsuits
FreeCreditScore.com's gonna direct you
To check your credit score before it gets too late
And you end up strapped for cash patching your board with duct tape
So hit FreeCreditScore.com find out what credit's about
Or else you could be headed for a credit wipeout
A credit wipeout! A credit wipeout!
A credit wipeout! You could be headed for a wipeout!
FreeCreditScore.com's gonna direct you
To check your credit score before it gets too late
And you end up strapped for cash patching your board with duct tape
So hit FreeCreditScore.com find out what credit's about
Or else you could be headed for a credit wipeout
A credit wipeout! A credit wipeout!
A credit wipeout! You could be headed for a wipeout!
The new band starts us off with a beach-themed song, "Credit Wipeout." Honestly it's not bad, but it's not the new band's best work either. Pretty mid especially when compared to the old band, which is naturally what everyone is going to do. And as mentioned before there's no real continuity between the different jingles either, so that's really going to affect how these songs are perceived historically. Regardless, the close to the song is fun, especially with the ending chord being that "James Bond" chord, that was kind of unexpected but appreciated.
Next, we have "Global Nomad"
He was a 21st century global nomad
Home was an airport lounge and an iPad
Made sure his credit score did not go bad
With a FreeCreditScore.com app that he had
Downloaded it in the Himalayas
While meditating like a true playa'
Now when he's surfing down in Chile, uh
He can see when his score is in danger
If you're a mobile type on the go
I suggest you take a tip from my bro
Download the app that lets you know
At FreeCreditScore.com now let's go
Home was an airport lounge and an iPad
Made sure his credit score did not go bad
With a FreeCreditScore.com app that he had
Downloaded it in the Himalayas
While meditating like a true playa'
Now when he's surfing down in Chile, uh
He can see when his score is in danger
If you're a mobile type on the go
I suggest you take a tip from my bro
Download the app that lets you know
At FreeCreditScore.com now let's go
This one is the worst of the bunch from the new band. Like okay, it's not bad but the new band really were not putting out their best stuff at the start of their run. This jingle I think is kind of entertaining because of the visuals of the subject of the song going around the world and putting on a wide variety of outfits representing each of the countries, but musically there's nothing really standout going on here.
Up next, it's "Free 'Cause It's How It Oughta Be"
A young man with ambition met an old man at the top
Asked him if he had a secret and the old man stopped and thought and said...
Free 'cause it's how it oughta be my brother
Credit 'cause you need a loan for one thing or another
Score 'cause they break it down in one simple number that
You can use
Dot to take a break 'cause the name is kind of long
Com, in honor of the Internet that it's on
Put it all together at the end of the song
It gives you FreeCreditScore.com and I'm gone
Asked him if he had a secret and the old man stopped and thought and said...
Free 'cause it's how it oughta be my brother
Credit 'cause you need a loan for one thing or another
Score 'cause they break it down in one simple number that
You can use
Dot to take a break 'cause the name is kind of long
Com, in honor of the Internet that it's on
Put it all together at the end of the song
It gives you FreeCreditScore.com and I'm gone
...Okay. Now THIS is a jingle. This is by far the new band's best song, and I think this one would actually rival some of the original band's best work had there been any continuity/connection to the other jingles that the new band wrote and performed. When going back and listening to the extended universe jingles, this actually unlocked a memory for me and I realized that I actually knew some of the words deep down in my brain. Considering this is the only one that had any kind of staying power in my memory, along with the fact that it's an actual good song IMO, this one will def take the top spot in the new band power rankings later on.
Finally from the new band: "College"
Sam went back to college for her sophomore year
Co-signed a credit card, "Buy books not beer"
But the second that she shut the door
The girl started blowing up their credit score
She bought a pizza party for the whole dorm floor
100 pounds of makeup at the makeup store
And a ticket down to spring break in Mexico
But her folks didn't know
'Cause her folks didn't go
To FreeCreditScore.com
Hard times for daddy and mom
Co-signed a credit card, "Buy books not beer"
But the second that she shut the door
The girl started blowing up their credit score
She bought a pizza party for the whole dorm floor
100 pounds of makeup at the makeup store
And a ticket down to spring break in Mexico
But her folks didn't know
'Cause her folks didn't go
To FreeCreditScore.com
Hard times for daddy and mom
While not as good as the previous jingle, this one is still solid. Decent theme, good music, solid visuals in the commercial. It's about what I would expect from a "good" jingles band. Not too much else to say here.
...but that was it for the new band. I honestly consider it kind of a shame though. While the first two jingles they performed weren't nearly up the quality of the ones that the original band wrote, I think they did an especially good job with the third and a decently good job with the fourth. I think that they were going to really hit their stride, but alas, it was not meant to be. I remember as a kid being really excited for what came next, because I had some hard feelings toward the new band for replacing the originals. But looking back, I'm not so sure, because what did come next was...
The Return of the Old Band:
A cause for celebration! The old band that everyone knew and loved was back! That's right, before Hollywood was pumping out remakes and sequels to every existing IP, FreeCreditScore.com did it first. Though I gotta say, I think this represents kind of an identity crisis for the FreeCreditScore.com brand. They had something really good going with the original band, then replaced them with the rebranding of their website name, but just when the new band was starting to take hold, they went and reverted back to the original band who... I don't want to say were washed up, but the new three song run they went on did not have the same impact as the original nine song run. That said, there's still some good stuff buried in here. Mostly for continuity reasons, but they're musically okay as well.
First up in the return: "We're Back for More"
Hello? What the, what the, what the, are you seeing this?
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, it kind of makes me miss
The days when we used to rock the microphone
Back when our credit score couldn't get us a micro-loan
So light it up, even better than we did before
Yeah prep yourself America we're back for more
Our look is slacker-chic, and our sound is hardcore
And we're here to drop a rhyme about free credit score
Singin' FreeCreditScore.com, dot com
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, it kind of makes me miss
The days when we used to rock the microphone
Back when our credit score couldn't get us a micro-loan
So light it up, even better than we did before
Yeah prep yourself America we're back for more
Our look is slacker-chic, and our sound is hardcore
And we're here to drop a rhyme about free credit score
Singin' FreeCreditScore.com, dot com
This really isn't that good of a song tbh. It's nice to see the original band getting back together (and they all seem like they're pretty successful too! Looks like they overcame their credit problems), but the musical quality is lacking. This is not nearly as much of an earworm as their original run, or even that one song by the new band. Still, I do appreciate the continuity in story-telling. The original guys are seen watching the new band's first commercial ("Credit Wipeout") and are thus inspired to get the band back together despite all being rich, hoity-toity folks now. The lead singer's wife can be seen walking by, but instead of scowling like normal, she's smiling and holding shopping bags. Nice! What's especially nice is the attention to detail that the tricked-out car they're driving is the same color as the used sub-compact from the "New Car" commercial. Hell yeah. And that makes it all the better when they pull up at the stoplight next to the girls from that same commercial. Such great callbacks and continuity that it makes up for the below average song. The only things that are really missing are a pirate hat and the disapproving old woman.
The band released "Swimming Pool" next:
(whistle intro)
What's up everybody, how you doing today?
You're probably busy but I got something to say
Even when you think you got no worries at all
Bad credit can hit you like a cannonball
So check this site, make sure you're credit's cool
Before you dip your flippers in the swimming pool
It's easy to use, it helps you to see
How your score's affecting you financially
No need to change clothes, wear what you got on
And jump into FreeCreditScore.com
(whistle outro)
What's up everybody, how you doing today?
You're probably busy but I got something to say
Even when you think you got no worries at all
Bad credit can hit you like a cannonball
So check this site, make sure you're credit's cool
Before you dip your flippers in the swimming pool
It's easy to use, it helps you to see
How your score's affecting you financially
No need to change clothes, wear what you got on
And jump into FreeCreditScore.com
(whistle outro)
While I think "Swimming Pool" is a better/catchier song than "We're Back for More," it still doesn't reach the same heights as the originals. I will say though, something I do enjoy about this jingle is that we do see the return of the disapproving old woman! That said, it seems to be a different actor this time around. I hope the original one is okay, I would hate for this to be like the scenario where they had to replace the original Dumbledore because the guy died. Prayers up for disapproving old woman.
Finally, we have "Set It Off"
FreeCreditScore.com up in it haters best get to blogging
So hot right now that our designer sunglasses be fogging
This crowd is classic so we play them like Rachmaninoff
Just hooked them up with score alerts so we're about to set it off
(Set it off) like a score alert, beep, beep, what? (Set it off, set it off)
If you set your phone to vibrate then it might alert your butt (Set it off, set it off)
And flies, all the girls and the guys, want to keep that credit score high
Like a private jet FreeCreditScore.com don't forget
So hot right now that our designer sunglasses be fogging
This crowd is classic so we play them like Rachmaninoff
Just hooked them up with score alerts so we're about to set it off
(Set it off) like a score alert, beep, beep, what? (Set it off, set it off)
If you set your phone to vibrate then it might alert your butt (Set it off, set it off)
And flies, all the girls and the guys, want to keep that credit score high
Like a private jet FreeCreditScore.com don't forget
Okay, so this is definitely the worst song from the original band. Which is a real shame, because this is the last one that we ever see from the FreeCreditScore.com guys. I think it's kind of similar to "Rock Star" in that they were going for a genre that they really just aren't good at. And it's nice to see musical experimentation from your favorite artists (I can't believe I just said "favorite" in reference to these guys oh my lord) but sometimes it's just better to stay in your lane. I do like the Rachmaninoff reference as a guy who plays classical piano so that's nice I guess. But I don't like how the lead singer's wife just kind of gets ditched in this one and now he's partying with random girls in the club. Maybe they divorced and she took half the money? Idk, that's just speculation. They could've at least made the club girls the same ones that were in the car commercial. Missed opportunity. I think the only real saving grace here is that disapproving old woman is back at the very end and is actually approving now, seems like she loves the music. So that's at least a nice way to wrap it up narratively but overall, this is kind of a disappointment.
And with that, we have a wrap on the FreeCreditScore.com Extended Universe!
Section IV - Power Ranking the Jingles:
...Okay NOW with all of that out of the way, we can finally get to power ranking these jingles. I've already spoiled the placements of some of these, and as I mentioned before we're separating these into four different power rankings (one for the original Cinematic Universe, and three separate ones for the Extended Universe). We'll start with the audition rankings, followed by the new band rankings, then the return of the original band, and finish on a high note with the original band's original run. I figure let's go in order from what people would care about least to what they would care about most so, again, we can finish on a high note.
Auditions Power Ranking:
4. Evolove
3. I Love Monsters
2. The Victorious Secrets (AKA The American Secrets)
1. The Poets Dance
3. I Love Monsters
2. The Victorious Secrets (AKA The American Secrets)
1. The Poets Dance
New Band Power Ranking:
4. Global Nomad
3. Credit Wipeout
2. College
1. Free 'Cause That's How It Oughta Be
3. Credit Wipeout
2. College
1. Free 'Cause That's How It Oughta Be
Original Band's Return Power Ranking:
3. Set It Off
2. Swimming Pool
1. We're Back for More
2. Swimming Pool
1. We're Back for More
Original Run Power Ranking
9. Rock Star
8. Credit Rollercoaster
7. Reno
6. Renaissance Fair
5. Dream Girl
4. Bicycle
3. Singing Pirates
2. Cell Phone
1. New Car
8. Credit Rollercoaster
7. Reno
6. Renaissance Fair
5. Dream Girl
4. Bicycle
3. Singing Pirates
2. Cell Phone
1. New Car
I know kids love Tier Lists, but I feel like four separate power rankings is better, and if you don't agree you can fight me on that.
Section V - Conclusion
...phew. That was certainly a lot to write and take in if you're unfamiliar with what the heck I was even talking about. This might actually be the longest post I've ever made on Smogon, which would actually be crazy if true. Regardless, I hope that y'all found this entertaining. Whether you think about this musical moment in history way too much like I do, or if it unlocked memories for you that you didn't know you had, or if you're just discovering these guys for the first time, I hope you at least learned something new and gained a better appreciation for jingles. Because they're important! Thanks for your time, and as always...
Offer applies with enrollment in triple advantage.
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