Exclusivity in Relationships

LonelyNess

LonelyNess

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So recently I have been seeing a girl and we've gone on like 4 "official" dates (Not including just hanging out) and were scheduled to go on another date next Tuesday. Well this afternoon I call her up and ask her if she wants to hang out before I have to go to work and she says that she can't because she's getting ready for a date... well this doesn't make sense to me considering it's not with me, so I ask her about it and she said "oh, did you think we were exclusive?" To me this is just bullshit. I don't believe I should have to ask for exclusivity in a relationship, especially if it's passed the first date... if you're repeatedly going out with someone, you've obviously shown enough interest in the person that you're willing to spend time with them in a predetermined "romantic" setting, and out of respect for that person exclusivity ought to be implied. It's like saying "oh well I'm interested enough to accept your invitations to do activities, even in a romantic sense, but I don't feel like I should have to make any concessions personally." And to be honest leaves a very bitter taste.

Anyway, needless to say I have cancelled our plans and don't intend on pursuing the relationship any further, seeing as how I can't personally be with someone who would hold to such a creed as "non-exclusive dating."

So the point of this thread is to get your opinions on the matter of casal dating versus a more formal courtship process.

When is exclusivity implied? Is it ever implied? Should you have to tell your current interest that you want exclusivity, or should it be granted out of respect for the courting process? Maybe I'm just old fashioned in this thinking, but I for one think that if you've accepted more than one date, you've agreed to (at least for the time being) exclusivity, until such a point when you TELL the person you're no longer interested in pursuing a relationship.

So, Smogon, what do you think?

Newsflash: This is not an advice thread, I'm interested in your opinions on "casual dating" versus more formal "courtship" etc... etc... etc... (don't do what chris is me did)
 
Hi, welcome to casual dating!

You'll soon find that if you want something in dating, you should be sure to make it clear. You're clearly looking for a serious relationship when she was just being casual. Won't be the first time, won't be the last, yadda yadda. Now learn something and move on. You have a right to be upset, but it's not her fault there was miscommunication.
 
If youre not in a serious relationship, youre not.

Some people dont take 4 dates seriously. If its now how you feel its not, but uh...what chris said.
 
Yeah, despite your edit, chris is me did actually answer all the questions you asked in your topic. Exclusivity isn't implied, it's best to be clear about those sorts of things. Perhaps you should be slightly more clear about what it is you want this thread to be about.
 
I feel similar as you do LN. If I wanted to do something along the lines of what people are calling "casual dating" It's called a friendship. Then again I am fairly idealistic about relationships. I dislike forging any relationship (Man or Woman, "Girlfriend' or Friend) unless I know it will be a deep long lasting one. I'm 19, and all my real true friends I've known since middle school. My ex-girlfriend, (as of now anyways, we're trying to patch things out as we're still good friends) of 4 years I met in High School (and has been my only GF). Seeing that I may be biased as far as "dating" goes, because of my Ideology. But that's just me.
 
Some people are only looking for casual sex. I don't really like going on dates, it's awkward, often boring and I'd rather be hanging out with friends. I seem to find all my girlfriends by social interraction or at a party.

I've always thought that going on dates was for people who are over 27 and are lonely.
 
I personally would never go out with someone on a date unless I actually thought I would end up marrying them. People who treat love casually by, for example, having dates with multiple people, make my blood boil.
 
Objection said:
I personally would never go out with someone on a date unless I actually thought I would end up marrying them. People who treat love casually by, for example, having dates with multiple people, make my blood boil.
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The point of dating (at least for those who aren't just doing it for sex) is to determine the viability of a lasting relationship. Not being willing to date someone before you think you would end up marrying them means you will miss a LOT of opportunities. It's impossible to know this kind of thing from several casual contacts, and if you try to befriend someone first, you're likely to end up "friend zoned" or to miss your opportunity to ask them out (like someone else does so first).

There is a distinct difference between "going out with" someone and "dating" someone. You could "go out with" someone several times without being exclusive, and would not call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. It is the introductory stage to the courtship process. If, after some amount of dates (in the OP's case, he assumes this number to be one, but clearly the girl in the OP's scenario did not), compatibility is determined, the relationship can advance from merely "going out" to "dating"/boyfriend and girlfriend. Assuming nothing sexual has happened beyond potentially a goodnight kiss (and I'm not talking the type of goodnight kiss that lasts 10-15 minutes), the assumption should be that the relationship is still in this stage, even if it has not be explicitly stated. Overtly stating that a relationship is open/casual is only really necessary in one of the following cases (preferably this should be hashed out before reaching one of these actions): The relationship has progressed sexually beyond something that you would do with a stranger you met at a party if you were single, the relationship has lasted more than 2 months, the relationship has lasted more than 5-7 dates, or one of you is polyamory (aka no matter how serious a relationship gets it will never be exclusive).
 
The relationship has progressed sexually beyond something that you would do with a stranger you met at a party if you were single, the relationship has lasted more than 2 months, the relationship has lasted more than 5-7 dates, or one of you is polyamory (aka no matter how serious a relationship gets it will never be exclusive).
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This brings me on to a pretty big question: why do people cheat in relationships that they know have progressed to such serious levels? Apart from the polyamory thing (which I object to anyway), I don't see why someone would cheat on their boyfriend/girlfriend.
 
That's pretty inconsiderate so good for you for just dropping it with her.

To be completely honest, I think exclusivity should be implied to a certain degree. One or two dates doesn't mean you're attached to the hip or anything but it should mean that both parties are interested if another date is planned. If one party isn't, that party shouldn't agree to set up another date. Pretty simple. Too bad it doesn't usually work that way.

Personally, I wouldn't be trying to see two girls at the same time anymore (it's messy don't do it) but even if I was I probably wouldn't advertise it to one of the girls (or both) I was seeing. Maybe that's dishonest but it seems to me the whole point of being "nonexclusive" is to keep your options open in order to figure out what you want. Blatantly telling someone you've gone on a couple dates with that you're going on a date with someone else can obviously send the signal that you're not interested even if you might be (maybe that's what really happened for the OP who knows). Or something like the OP happens where the other party is looking for a relationship and that kills any chance of that for a while.

Objection said:
This brings me on to a pretty big question: why do people cheat in relationships that they know have progressed to such serious levels? Apart from the polyamory thing (which I object to anyway), I don't see why someone would cheat on their boyfriend/girlfriend.
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It's usually because someone else came along that was more appealing than the boyfriend/girlfriend in one way or another. The "grass is always greener" after all. You don't want to end the serious relationship, though, because it wouldn't be a serious one if you didn't care for the one you've been dating long term. You like the new person but you still have strong feelings about the old one, so much so that you can't just break up. Really, cheating is a pretty simple case of wanting both.
 
Where I live, "casual dating" is hanging out with your friends, going to parties, etc. etc. Also, We usually also expect exclusivenes when dating. If you have went on 3 or 4 dates, you souldn'y suddenly set up a date with another person. Where I live that is called "cheating"lol.

To be completely honest, I think exclusivity should be implied to a certain degree. One or two dates doesn't mean you're attached to the hip or anything but it should mean that both parties are interested if another date is planned. If one party isn't, that party shouldn't agree to set up another date. Pretty simple. Too bad it doesn't usually work that way.
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Really, this is also my opinion. After a couple dates, you should not have to ask for exclusiveness. What it should mean is that both parties are happy and interested, and would like it to stay that way.

However, I don't think you should have cancelled. You should have still went, and talked to her about this.

So to sum it U:
I think exclusiveness is implied while seriously dating. What people call "casual dating" is hanging out with friends in my opinion. And you should've talked to her first, not cancelled immediately.

On a different note, first post In congregation!
 
always be clear, open and honest about what you're doing and communicate properly

that's what's worked for me in the past and that's what got me my current girl
 
In my opinion, what she did should definitely be considered cheating..
Well, if it was clear that they were in facts "dates" you were going on, with romantic intentions, and not just hanging out, anyway. If it was clear that you had romantic interest in each other, arranging a date with another person is just.. D:

Well, that is how I, and the people I know, would certainly think of it.
Perhaps it is different depending on the sort of groups of people you associate with. I believe that, rather than declaring exclusivity at the beginning of a relationship - although I think this should always be presumed, the announcement of it sounds quite daunting.. - but rather, the person should explain to the other that they wish for the relationship to be "casual" for a while.

blegh, I didn't really get any point across at all. I'll edit when I wake up. :|

Basically;
Relationships should be exclusive from the start, unless otherwise stated by one of you.
As I know I probably would have felt a little odd telling my boyfriend on the first date that he wasn't to see other people, in case we had decided not to go out again, but I know I would have immediately left him had he gone out with someone else due to me omitting to state that we were in an exclusive relationship.

Well, like I said; here, and among the people I know, "casual dating" is considered cheating, but it really depends on your attitude towards such behaviour. The one who wants a casual relationship should be the one to bring up the subject, rather than the one who wishes for "formal courtship"..


...but that is just my opinion. Dx
 
I think it depends on the people.. but personally, I prefer to have the 'so, is this exclusive' chat if it's not entirely clear to me that we're either seeing other people, or we are together as a couple. If I'm unsure, I ask. That's about it, really.
I'm no great fan of exclusivity in relationships. I've just got back (again!) with the ex - and we're exclusive, there's no need to ask that. But I don't think it's assumed, though natch it's polite to establish that you'd like to continue fucking other people before doing so.
As for polyamoury (polyamory?) - which should be distinguished from swinging, really, in that poly relationships are usually several people who are in a relationship together and exclusive to each other.. well, consenting adults can do what they like. Everyone has a right to be happy as long as it hurts noone else :3
 
Having had a similar experience with my ex-girlfriend except we'd been out a bit longer, I know how annoying it is when they think there isn't exclusivity, if you've been out for 4 or so dates its quite clear the relationship is getting somewhere and there should be exclusivity without you having to ask for it, and so for her to go out with someone else, she is just a bitch and i'm not surprised you left her.
 
Honestly, I can understand why you are angry over this. Obviously you wanted something more serious than what she was looking for. I for one think you did the right thing by breaking it off with her, but still, you can't blame her for what happened. I mean, did you connect? Did you kiss? I don't expect an answer because it isn't really my business, however you should think about it. If she didn't understand that you were serious, then it isn't fair to say that she was a bitch (joel), just that it wasn't fair for her to say that your relationship wasn't "exclusive".
 
LonelyNess said:
So recently I have been seeing a girl and we've gone on like 4 "official" dates (Not including just hanging out) and were scheduled to go on another date next Tuesday. Well this afternoon I call her up and ask her if she wants to hang out before I have to go to work and she says that she can't because she's getting ready for a date... well this doesn't make sense to me considering it's not with me, so I ask her about it and she said "oh, did you think we were exclusive?" To me this is just bullshit. I don't believe I should have to ask for exclusivity in a relationship, especially if it's passed the first date... if you're repeatedly going out with someone, you've obviously shown enough interest in the person that you're willing to spend time with them in a predetermined "romantic" setting, and out of respect for that person exclusivity ought to be implied. It's like saying "oh well I'm interested enough to accept your invitations to do activities, even in a romantic sense, but I don't feel like I should have to make any concessions personally." And to be honest leaves a very bitter taste.

Anyway, needless to say I have cancelled our plans and don't intend on pursuing the relationship any further, seeing as how I can't personally be with someone who would hold to such a creed as "non-exclusive dating."

So the point of this thread is to get your opinions on the matter of casal dating versus a more formal courtship process.

When is exclusivity implied? Is it ever implied? Should you have to tell your current interest that you want exclusivity, or should it be granted out of respect for the courting process? Maybe I'm just old fashioned in this thinking, but I for one think that if you've accepted more than one date, you've agreed to (at least for the time being) exclusivity, until such a point when you TELL the person you're no longer interested in pursuing a relationship.

So, Smogon, what do you think?

Newsflash: This is not an advice thread, I'm interested in your opinions on "casual dating" versus more formal "courtship" etc... etc... etc... (don't do what chris is me did)
Click to expand...

out of curiosity, is this the same girl i gave advice on in a past topic?
 
joel22 said:
Yes bitch probably was too far, just blurted out because it brought back memories of my ex.
Click to expand...

Same here. That's why I would approach all potential partners with the utmost caution and I would never assume anything positive unless it was proven, because letting one's guard down like that is a surefire way of ending up heartbroken.

At least, that's how I see it. If that ends up with me not getting into any relationship, serious or otherwise, then so be it.
 
Altmer said:
always be clear, open and honest about what you're doing and communicate properly

that's what's worked for me in the past and that's what got me my current girl
Click to expand...

pretty much this was going to be my answer. I dont think you could get anything more clear.
 
akuchi said:
I think it depends on the people.. but personally, I prefer to have the 'so, is this exclusive' chat if it's not entirely clear to me that we're either seeing other people, or we are together as a couple. If I'm unsure, I ask. That's about it, really.
I'm no great fan of exclusivity in relationships. I've just got back (again!) with the ex - and we're exclusive, there's no need to ask that. But I don't think it's assumed, though natch it's polite to establish that you'd like to continue fucking other people before doing so.
As for polyamoury (polyamory?) - which should be distinguished from swinging, really, in that poly relationships are usually several people who are in a relationship together and exclusive to each other.. well, consenting adults can do what they like. Everyone has a right to be happy as long as it hurts noone else :3
Click to expand...

I personally don't do polyamory (it goes against the thing that my relationships are usually built on, I tend to be very loyal and trust-based and require fidelity from my partner), but I do agree with akuchi. If you're unsure, ASK. It's always better to get a definitive answer and know what you're up against than letting yourself remain in doubt for ever not knowing whether it could've worked. I'm very set on my own exclusivity - I consider cheating a horrible offence and anyone that tries to fuck me over with cheating is bound to be spat on and suffer my wrath - so I tend to make it clear, but if you don't know asking can never hurt. It's always better to know than not know, I find.
 
I think that it is petulant to expect a person not to be examining multiple options before jumping into any relationship seriously. If you cut the girl off for that, then that only helps her make her choice about which partner will be more worth her time.

The situation is a bit different if you had intercourse or at least maybe oral sex, but anything less than that and you are overreacting.
 
CaptKirby said:
I think that it is petulant to expect a person not to be examining multiple options before jumping into any relationship seriously. If you cut the girl off for that, then that only helps her make her choice about which partner will be more worth her time.

The situation is a bit different if you had intercourse or at least maybe oral sex, but anything less than that and you are overreacting.
Click to expand...

Examining multiple options? Is that what you call it? I've got a better name for it that starts with "cheat" and ends with "ing". More than one relationship at the same time, no matter how serious any of the relationships is, is cheating, which undermines the whole concept of relationships and is thus wrong. Is it not feasible to "examine the options" one at a time? Start with guy A, see how it goes, take it if it goes well or terminate the relationship then move on to guy B if it doesn't, see how that goes, etc.

Any girl who cheats is worthless, so what the OP did was not an overreaction. On the contrary, it was the most appropriate reaction and with perfect timing to boot.
 
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