Serious Autism/Aspergers/ADD/ADHD/Other Mental Disorders

[Drake Wolf]

Oh boy, AS here, too, and it showed. When I was a kid I didn't like toys. I played with pencils, with different colors being different characters. I also was a lonely kid, my youngest sister is 10 years older than me and, since I have a bit of social awkwardness, I didn't have lots of friends, in fact, I think I only have 2 in real life. I think I was a lot more sociable when I was 6 more or less, but after people started picking on me I stopped talking to anyone. I only greeted people that greeted me first, and that still affects me. Seriously, the "I'm shy, not antisocial. You can speak to me" shirt exist for people like me. Thankfully, most of the things that made people realize I had something have decreased, but there's still that person that immediately sees through that, I wonder how? I prefer to not tell anyone of my condition because I don't want to be treated differently or that I'm using my condition to my advantage.

I don't think I can say much since this thread would be repeating itself, however, I guess its nice to see other people like me.

Oh my god, I have ADHD too and was given Ritalin to take first, and I didn't sleep for three days. Like I was 100% wide awake in my brain but my body was like "PLEASE... LET ME SLEEP..." Terrible drug. =(

You had a problem with Ritalin, too? Those pills made me feel suicidal, so I stopped taking them after 1 week. Doesn't help that people joke about those pills.

 

[DeliriousAbsol]

I have asperger's as well and was diagnosed about two years ago when I was 29. I'm very open about it, too. Being a girl it went somewhat unnoticed throughout childhood, but I struggled a lot when I got older and it took a long time until I found a counsellor who managed to nail the problem straight away and forward me to a specialist. Since then I've felt a lot better, but I do struggle socially. I get tired easily, I can have melt downs from silly things like the sun being in my eyes and not being able to see properly (after a somewhat embarrassing day out I now have shades to deal with this problem) and crowded, noisy environments can set me off too. I can get really anxious in crowds. My main coping mechanism is to wear headphones in busy cities to tune out most of the chaos, and I was doing that long before I got diagnosed. I also have a very low pain tolerance and can't tolerate being unwell. It reduces me to a curled up blob on the sofa. I often get frustrated as well because I can't do the things I want to do, or things that need doing. The low pain tolerance also makes my love of animals a bit of a double edged blade since I love small pocket pets but I can barely stand their claws on my skin. I also have very low patience and as such I don't want (and won't allow myself) to have children because I feel I just won't have the patience for them.

Other than that I actually find some aspects of it quite fun. I can laugh at my own quirks, something I find important. At the end of the day, this is me. As well as having asperger's I'm a dyspraxic nutter. I walk into tables, chairs, walls, other people. I randomly fall over just standing still. I fall UP the stairs. I drop things easily (my poor laptop knows that. As does my 3DS, and virtually every tamagotchi I own...) I miss my mouth when I drink. I bite my tongue and lip. I bit a fork yesterday. I'm pretty sure I've poked myself in the eye before now. However, I've met a few people at church who also have aspergers and I gained a good friend as well. We've laughed together at our daft little traits and enjoyed days out just being ourselves. There's no point trying to be anyone else. I'm not ashamed of having aspergers even if some parts of it are incredibly embarrassing (Like crying in a restaurant because there was nothing available I actually wanted to eat... That happened some time last year)

Also, Asperger's doesn't have to stop you having a relationship. I've been happily married for over four years. He loves me for who I am, and enjoys my quirks. It's important to find someone patient and understanding who can help you during your bad days rather than being impatient and just exacerbating the situation.

As for the positive traits, the ability to remain focused on something that interests me is a brilliant aspect of it because it means I get things done. I do have a short attention span though. I'd much rather read a high school text book than an academic university tome. Pictures and small snippets of texts inside colourful boxes is much more likely to keep me entertained. I tend to fall asleep reading if I'm bored, and I've nodded off studying before now as well. Book learning just doesn't cut it for me at all, and since I'm studying Japanese that can be a bit of a problem... Fortunately I have many different go-to study tools on days when I just can NOT focus on a text book.

 

[Cresselia~~]

I have asperger's as well and was diagnosed about two years ago when I was 29. I'm very open about it, too. Being a girl it went somewhat unnoticed throughout childhood, but I struggled a lot when I got older and it took a long time until I found a counsellor who managed to nail the problem straight away and forward me to a specialist. Since then I've felt a lot better, but I do struggle socially. I get tired easily, I can have melt downs from silly things like the sun being in my eyes and not being able to see properly (after a somewhat embarrassing day out I now have shades to deal with this problem) and crowded, noisy environments can set me off too. I can get really anxious in crowds. My main coping mechanism is to wear headphones in busy cities to tune out most of the chaos, and I was doing that long before I got diagnosed. I also have a very low pain tolerance and can't tolerate being unwell. It reduces me to a curled up blob on the sofa. I often get frustrated as well because I can't do the things I want to do, or things that need doing. The low pain tolerance also makes my love of animals a bit of a double edged blade since I love small pocket pets but I can barely stand their claws on my skin. I also have very low patience and as such I don't want (and won't allow myself) to have children because I feel I just won't have the patience for them.

Other than that I actually find some aspects of it quite fun. I can laugh at my own quirks, something I find important. At the end of the day, this is me. As well as having asperger's I'm a dyspraxic nutter. I walk into tables, chairs, walls, other people. I randomly fall over just standing still. I fall UP the stairs. I drop things easily (my poor laptop knows that. As does my 3DS, and virtually every tamagotchi I own...) I miss my mouth when I drink. I bite my tongue and lip. I bit a fork yesterday. I'm pretty sure I've poked myself in the eye before now. However, I've met a few people at church who also have aspergers and I gained a good friend as well. We've laughed together at our daft little traits and enjoyed days out just being ourselves. There's no point trying to be anyone else. I'm not ashamed of having aspergers even if some parts of it are incredibly embarrassing (Like crying in a restaurant because there was nothing available I actually wanted to eat... That happened some time last year)

Also, Asperger's doesn't have to stop you having a relationship. I've been happily married for over four years. He loves me for who I am, and enjoys my quirks. It's important to find someone patient and understanding who can help you during your bad days rather than being impatient and just exacerbating the situation.

As for the positive traits, the ability to remain focused on something that interests me is a brilliant aspect of it because it means I get things done. I do have a short attention span though. I'd much rather read a high school text book than an academic university tome. Pictures and small snippets of texts inside colourful boxes is much more likely to keep me entertained. I tend to fall asleep reading if I'm bored, and I've nodded off studying before now as well. Book learning just doesn't cut it for me at all, and since I'm studying Japanese that can be a bit of a problem... Fortunately I have many different go-to study tools on days when I just can NOT focus on a text book.

I have a similar story.
I'm also female, and most physicians would say I don't look like a typical Aspie, most would say that I look normal.
People think I was just shy and quiet.
It's even worse because I had really good grades in school, and no one would ever associate me with a disability.

But as I aged, I felt that I was different and out of place. A lot of people said I am weird and freaky sometimes.
I can't organize things properly even when I have very strict parents and teachers.
I also was relatively clumsier than my peers, and had trouble figuring out other people's emotions.

I later then read books about Asperger's syndrome, and contacted many specialists.
Finally, I was properly diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 23.

I also took social lessons designed for autistic people and I'd say those lessons explained many things to me, especially how normal people feel under certain circumstances (in which I just don't feel the same) .
Lessons really helped, so as the diagnosis. It explained why I'm different, why I don't feel the same under certain circumstances, etc.

 

[AokiHagane]

What an interesting thread. Can't guarantee i'll read everything, but i found a nice place to do a first post here in Smogon.

I've been founding myself afraid of interacting with the Smogon community. I've been playing PS a long time ago and returned recently because SM meta picked my interest, but, when it comes to talking with people of the community, i can't bring myself to push the first step. I was diagnosed with Asperger by 10, and probably will tell something here later (not now because it's 4am here), but for now... i'd like to have help with that first step.

 

[Raseri]

i wasnt diagnosed with Aspergers until I was 20, suddenly things make a lot more sense. Aspie life

 

[MKL122788]

My parents always knew, so they tried to train me from a young age. In college, one of my teaching mentors asked me if I had Aspergers, so I got tested, they said that I was right on the line, but diagnosed me. I've never taken taken any medication for it, since I felt I could function just fine.

The first clue and generally is the most obvious is the stimming. I rock in my chair, especially when not engaged in anything that requires to focus. This tends to ramp up with the more anxiety that I am feeling. I also used to roll back in forth in bed.

As many have stated in this thread, I am *terrible* about keeping in contact with people I am close with. I haven't talked to my best friend in high school in about 2 years, but whenever we get back together, it is like nothing has changed.

When I was younger, I was terrible in social situations, particularly when the relationship was supposed to be even. As a teacher, when I am the one in the power position or when I was a student, there were clearly defined ranks for respect. This made social interactions easier to comprehend because there were some rules and guidelines to follow.

I think I can function particularly well, but I can be a buzzkill at parties because I don't like being around large groups of people. I was relatively mean as a teenager, too...saying things without thinking about them.

Before I came out, I think I was extra paranoid. I think the paranoia that comes with being in the closet and my inability to completely process everything around me socially made for some really uncomfortable times. Thankfully, I don't think I was completely aware of just how uncomfortable I was. I found out later that when I was stimming, people used to think I was masturbating in the back of class because they are completely dumb. That was awkward to find out.

That was over 10 years ago though.

I have always been a human calculator, obsessed with mathematics and, to a lesser extent, programming applications that involve that. So, of course, I am an obsessive breeder in Pokemon. I am obsessed with winning and am incredibly competitive.

I raided in a top 10 guild in WoW for almost a decade. I didn't particularly love the game, but I felt I was a part of something, and I liked the daily structure provided by raiding.

I have experienced personal triumphs since quitting raiding. I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years and I've learned to really love myself, which has allowed me to love others. I think the first thing that really helped me learn how to love was having my own cat. That thing is like my baby. I am the worst, most overprotective and spoiling parent ever. I know, that is a random aside, but I can't help it. Having my own pet really helped me understand and build relationships with others.

I think, over time, you just get better at things though. I haven't really learned to pick up on social cues so much as I've learned how to read facial expressions in a very technical way which has allowed me to at least appear like I am getting the hang of things.

Overall, my approach to socialization will always be extremely technical.

Anyway, I hope this anecdote is helpful to someone. Let me know if you have any questions.

 

[jumpluff]

My parents always knew, so they tried to train me from a young age. In college, one of my teaching mentors asked me if I had Aspergers, so I got tested, they said that I was right on the line, but diagnosed me. I've never taken taken any medication for it, since I felt I could function just fine.

The first clue and generally is the most obvious is the stimming. I rock in my chair, especially when not engaged in anything that requires to focus. This tends to ramp up with the more anxiety that I am feeling. I also used to roll back in forth in bed.

As many have stated in this thread, I am *terrible* about keeping in contact with people I am close with. I haven't talked to my best friend in high school in about 2 years, but whenever we get back together, it is like nothing has changed.

When I was younger, I was terrible in social situations, particularly when the relationship was supposed to be even. As a teacher, when I am the one in the power position or when I was a student, there were clearly defined ranks for respect. This made social interactions easier to comprehend because there were some rules and guidelines to follow.

I think I can function particularly well, but I can be a buzzkill at parties because I don't like being around large groups of people. I was relatively mean as a teenager, too...saying things without thinking about them.

Before I came out, I think I was extra paranoid. I think the paranoia that comes with being in the closet and my inability to completely process everything around me socially made for some really uncomfortable times. Thankfully, I don't think I was completely aware of just how uncomfortable I was. I found out later that when I was stimming, people used to think I was masturbating in the back of class because they are completely dumb. That was awkward to find out.

That was over 10 years ago though.

I have always been a human calculator, obsessed with mathematics and, to a lesser extent, programming applications that involve that. So, of course, I am an obsessive breeder in Pokemon. I am obsessed with winning and am incredibly competitive.

I raided in a top 10 guild in WoW for almost a decade. I didn't particularly love the game, but I felt I was a part of something, and I liked the daily structure provided by raiding.

I have experienced personal triumphs since quitting raiding. I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years and I've learned to really love myself, which has allowed me to love others. I think the first thing that really helped me learn how to love was having my own cat. That thing is like my baby. I am the worst, most overprotective and spoiling parent ever. I know, that is a random aside, but I can't help it. Having my own pet really helped me understand and build relationships with others.

I think, over time, you just get better at things though. I haven't really learned to pick up on social cues so much as I've learned how to read facial expressions in a very technical way which has allowed me to at least appear like I am getting the hang of things.

Overall, my approach to socialization will always be extremely technical.

Anyway, I hope this anecdote is helpful to someone. Let me know if you have any questions.

This is really cool and rings very true to me! (Asperger's, brother with Asperger's, most of my irls are Aspies)

A lot of kids with autism spectrum disorders do great with animals, and research has shown they can thrive and empathise better in environments like classrooms where there are animals around. They reduce stress and promote sociability (as well as things that we have a hard time with doing organically, like facial mirroring and gesturing). I was very lucky to grow up with a lot of pets and I believe it helped me deal with a lot of my loneliness-induced misanthropy as a child. That's one pitfall of poor socialisation that I see some people struggle with because of continued poor treatment by others who are unable to connect and empathise with them, and I've been that way when my mental health is poor, but I find myself inclined to be a lot easier around animals. They're also soothing on a sensory level for me. I think learning to interact with animals and detect nonverbal cues like their distress or discomfort helped me observe people better, too, in order to learn social cues. I definitely noticed the same effect in my brother, and when he would get angry he would interact with our pets in order to calm down and regain a sense of empathy. A lot of Aspieness can be 'hidden' with age and experience from training oneself to do certain things (even though they require a different approach and extra energy and accommodations) or learning cues through trial and error.

I still say odd things, I think, but I believe firmly that empathy is a learned and practised skill (no baby is born with the ability to empathise; it is acquired in early development) and while we're working with less info sometimes (I have terrible facial recognition and body language is a nope for me), thinking about things and practising imagining other perspectives helps a lot with social skills. I was simultaneously a real mean and condescending kid and the friendliest, most enthusiastic person in my school, because I just didn't tolerate stuff that irritated me very well, wasn't patient, and had no filter, which meant I was quite loving and affectionate and also pretty disdainful at the same time. The goal ofc isn't to become a neurotypical person (as if that were possible), just to function better and to get along with others, to have human company if desired, to have own needs met, etc. I've accepted being an eccentric person and even an easily frustrated one but I'm getting there with managing.

I was bullied badly for stimming too. These days because of my own personal situation I'm going to be looked at weirdly anyway but I've developed less intrusive and obvious ways to stim than previously. Still get judged when I'm up close but I think more and more people are learning and I try to educate people where I can. I consider reduction of anxiety a worthwhile goal and accommodating my Aspergers critical to equitable access.

I was a hypercompetitive child and still am to a sense, except I have fewer competitive outlets these days. I think any child should be introduced to competitions with care, but competitive children should be encouraged and praised for their hard work, etc. I think being praised strictly for my success resulted in internalising the wrong feedback where I feel very threatened if I do not 'win' or if I am wrong because I associated positive treatment and loving feedback with the best results. I had a mental breakdown when I was pretty young. I still am very competitive about my grades. I like to excel at what I do and master things I care about and I think that is a fine trait that should be valued. But the unconditional element of love can be hard to convey and to internalise and I think it's important for people to know that in general. I also liked the structure of competitions and the sense of belonging it gave me when I was fairly ostracised. I went to Scouts for a similar reason and badge-hunted obsessively. Nowadays I do more things because I love them and I'm pursuing a lot of passions and that feels great and very fulfilling, because all I really want to do is dedicate myself to interesting and worthwhile things.

Keeping in touch with people is tough for me too. Combination of social anxiety and executive functioning. I have to think of it as socialisation and people time and working on relationships as a task like others to be planned, structured, and organised, which feels a bit innately gross as an approach to people (even though it's just a form of accessibility) and doesn't always work great with the sometimes spontaneous nature of friendship, and as a result I've been a mediocre as a friend for a long time. My brother has Asperger's and is intimately familiar with my long periods of introversion and obsessiveness with other tasks and is the same way and we're close in age so we've thrived as adults from that connection. He's more extraverted than I am and hangs out with irls more but still prefers indirect methods of communication like Snapchat.

I'm happy you've found confidence in yourself. For anyone, it goes a long way. I don't think you need to love yourself to love others, but I think it helps a lot with stability and also with preventing issues like resentment etc. It also lets you fully appreciate an aspect of your world that you weren't before and how it impacts your relationships. It's something I'm working on. I have other psychological issues in that regard but when I understand that I belong in my family and am loved by my brother or my friends or whatever I almost cry from happiness at the feeling of the completeness of that relationship, instead of a weird unilateral yearning. So I'd like to just have that sense of constancy and I'll keep working at it. This post was pretty motivating, so thank you. I'll wish for your continued successes! Solidarity!

And I don't think there is anything wrong with doing things technically or acquiring skills differently. I am rambling a bit about myself but I am disabled in a lot of ways and I have to do things in all kinds of roundabout ways but I still get it done. It is what is available to us. Everyone processes information idiosyncratically and the ability to technically read the face is pretty impressive. If technical socialisation helps you treat others and treat yourself well then all power to you. Some of it is intuitive for neurotypical people and they have to do less conscious processing but those skills are picked up and made more rapid by repeatedly practising with environmental stimuli. That's how you learn. Since we have neurological issues preventing us from fully processing the information correctly then we might never learn to do it like someone else does it but we've learned to do it functionally anyway and that's only something to be proud of.

My brother and I are both in university and happy with our lives. We were diagnosed in late primary school (10 for me, my brother followed soon after at 9), before that I'd seen many prominent neurologists about comorbidities like my dyspraxia etc. and because ASDs weren't as common a diagnosis then it took a while for someone to consider evaluating me for Asperger's. I didn't exhibit a speech delay and I was hyperlexic so that threw doctors off the scent off classical autism. It's good that doctors (and teachers, who are so often these days important for finding signs) are more aware of different ways autism can manifest.

 

[JBC]

Asbergers and ADHD. It's made my life a piece of shit. But unlike most people, I actually am pretty good at sports. So yeah...

 

[totoTavros]

Some preliminary things:
NVLD (Non-Verbal Learning Disorder) / ADHD (pretty much different attempts to describe the same things)
High school

NVLD's like Asperger's, I guess, in that there's usually an association between it and "giftedness" at some other cost, in this case, manipulating anything non-verbal. This would include facial expressions, mimicking movements (like following along with some yoga instruction, etc.), etc. For instance, did any of you take the CogAT (Cognitive Abilities Test)? There was a non-verbal section where they'd ask you to imagine a piece of paper being folded then holes punched in it then unfolded, then ask you what the paper should look like. I could never trace how the folds and holes would match up in the end without physically seeing it, and consequently scored incredibly low when compared to the other sections. My mother's convinced that I could've been diagnosed with Asperger's, but I mostly lack the "obsession" part of it. For me, I just do things in bursts, usually 4-8 weeks-ish, though sometimes the bursts concentrate on the same thing, week after week. For instance, I've been learning a lot about the history of philosophy to try to make sense of the world. These bursts are how I really get to know a subject, so a burst might be spent on the history of Europe from 1450-1812 or learning Haskell, but they all follow the same route. In terms of medication, I'm on Adderall, and it's been a significant improvement, helping out w/ suicidal thoughts and memory, but I tend to be a surly slug when off it. Did anybody have a similar reaction?

Also, because of the above, I've seriously changed my sleeping habits, going from a 6-11 day to a 4-8 day, on weekdays, because I found I was grouchy and displacing anger towards my family when trying to get homework done, so whenever I felt that way, I just slept, and it's been so often that this is regular. However, I work at a place that has typically late hours (opens at 11, closes at midnight) and my schedules are such. I'm approaching a year at the job and have started to get friends to join, making it much more enjoyable than previously. I don't want to quit, but I want to keep my schedule, any thoughts?

 

[GaRgAnt]

I had a golden trifecta of ADHD, Asperger's (Now quantified as high-functioning autism in the DSM V), and minor OCD. It's gotten much better now that I've grown the fuck up, but they rear their ugly heads up from time to time.

 

[AokiHagane]

Well, i'm going to post now.

I was always awkward. I remember having a weird affiction for watching TV cartoons such as Code Lyoko since i was new. I wouldn't stop watching the TV, because that entertained me that much. I also liked to search encyclopedias for useless trivia and pretty pictures of math/science/geography that i didn't even know what exactly they were. It was weird for me, but since that encyclopedias set me a bit ahead of everyone in my age (around 5/6) and i was like two years in front of other childs like me, at first it seemed like a simple case of superdotation. I even got a diploma for that.

However, soon it became clear that it wasn't only that. Worse, the medics which my father found for me did absolutely nothing to understand what exactly i was having. At that age, i was suffering some bullying from the son of my school's owner, and instead of punishing him, they would keep saying that it was me that was different from everyone (... not that they were wrong) and sending me to the psychologist for no reason at all, which did absolutely nothing except recepting me ineffective medication (carbamazepine/imipramine). It was only after my father asked to a senator of Rio de Janeiro that i got a good psychologist. According to my father, it took something around five minutes of chatting with me for her to realize that i was an Asperger.

Fine, so i now know why i'm awkward, but that doesn't solve the problem: i'm still awkward. I've also found myself to be quite a pure child, too innocent for this world. So i changed schools after the bullying crossed the threshold of "tolerable", and while i did make friends there, it wasn't that much. Then, one year later, i passed to Pedro II, which is known as the best college in Brazil. Nice, but i still find myself being weird. Well, bringing a book about tarot and being a samba school freak will cause a strange impression of you, to say the very least.

At this point, i thought it could be OK if i learnt to live, and i've even tried to be a little less innocent (my friends did help me on that). Then i got through what's probably the worst sequence of events one could have while i was 13: mom got diagnosed with cancer, father got fired from a 20-year long job due to Burnout Syndrome (which doesn't help to deal with an Asperger child AT ALL) and my sister in a emotional mess due to terrible bf. The only saving grace was that i was still too naïve to understand just how bad the situation was. I was just sticking my butt in front of the computer and trying to pretend that nothing was happening. But after some time, it stopped working.

Mom got interned and suddenly i was alone. Father and sis had to help her at the hospital and knew about my naïveté, so they kept me off of this for as long as i could. I was always awkward to get out of home, but at this point, i was risking some things more. My friends called me to go to their home to play CoD. As an innocent child, i always thought it was a terrible game that influentiates child to become criminal. At that point, i didn't care and just wanted to suck at that game as long as i had some friends by my side. Since i was staying most of the time in the house of a friend whose internet was better than mine, i also discovered Vocaloid and then anime. I remember watching To Aru Majutsu no Index as my first due to a virtual friend's obsession for Index. Was i starting to get better, or at least less awkward?

And then one day i woke up from a afternoon nap and the mother of my friend called me in alone. I remember what she said me, and i've even felt my heart constricting when typing this.

"Do you believe in God?"
"Hm."
"And you can believe that he knows what he does, always?"
"Yeah, but why..."
"Well... he took your mother."

I've never felt true sadness in my life. I always thought that i wasn't one for being too emotional, and i still think so. But i feel like i've died that day. I never recovered. I've still scarred to this day. Life wasn't good with me, and i've been stuck in depression since then, not only because i miss my mother, as much as i try to hide it, but also because i fear my own death. It's terrible. I've had some panic crisis since 2013 (one year after my mother's death) thanks to panic syndrome and that's why i've been taking fluoxetin daily.

That said, i've been recovering a bit. I had psychological help since the panic crisis, but i've suspended then temporarily because my psychologist left the country. I'm returning them now, because my psychological state started to influence my academical performance in university. I've made some friends, and even have a crush on a girl that was my classmate and helped me a lot with my anime tastes, but... i still find hard to chat with people for the first time. I feel that i can't "loose" myself and show my colors (despite all of that suffering i endured, i do make an effort to bring happiness and fun to those around me) at first, only after they know that i'm not as weird as i seem to be, that i do have my motives for being such a fake clown and that my tastes are obsessions. Even nowadays, i also find some difficulties in helping at menial tasks at home (and my father does explode when i fail to do so) such as cleaning.

Finally, i'd like to ask for you guys to come chat with me a bit. I know it's weird to ask, but i've been very timid when it comes to interacting with the Smogon community. So it's easier for me if the other people starts the conversation. I've been reading some old threads, specially about the IX WC (Hantsuki the heroine) and i'd like to interact with some of the people i see here... but as i said above, it's hard to take that first step.

Peace and sorry for my bad english and lack of capitalization.

 

[sunny004]

Well, i'm going to post now.

I was always awkward. I remember having a weird affiction for watching TV cartoons such as Code Lyoko since i was new. I wouldn't stop watching the TV, because that entertained me that much. I also liked to search encyclopedias for useless trivia and pretty pictures of math/science/geography that i didn't even know what exactly they were. It was weird for me, but since that encyclopedias set me a bit ahead of everyone in my age (around 5/6) and i was like two years in front of other childs like me, at first it seemed like a simple case of superdotation. I even got a diploma for that.

However, soon it became clear that it wasn't only that. Worse, the medics which my father found for me did absolutely nothing to understand what exactly i was having. At that age, i was suffering some bullying from the son of my school's owner, and instead of punishing him, they would keep saying that it was me that was different from everyone (... not that they were wrong) and sending me to the psychologist for no reason at all, which did absolutely nothing except recepting me ineffective medication (carbamazepine/imipramine). It was only after my father asked to a senator of Rio de Janeiro that i got a good psychologist. According to my father, it took something around five minutes of chatting with me for her to realize that i was an Asperger.

Fine, so i now know why i'm awkward, but that doesn't solve the problem: i'm still awkward. I've also found myself to be quite a pure child, too innocent for this world. So i changed schools after the bullying crossed the threshold of "tolerable", and while i did make friends there, it wasn't that much. Then, one year later, i passed to Pedro II, which is known as the best college in Brazil. Nice, but i still find myself being weird. Well, bringing a book about tarot and being a samba school freak will cause a strange impression of you, to say the very least.

At this point, i thought it could be OK if i learnt to live, and i've even tried to be a little less innocent (my friends did help me on that). Then i got through what's probably the worst sequence of events one could have while i was 13: mom got diagnosed with cancer, father got fired from a 20-year long job due to Burnout Syndrome (which doesn't help to deal with an Asperger child AT ALL) and my sister in a emotional mess due to terrible bf. The only saving grace was that i was still too naïve to understand just how bad the situation was. I was just sticking my butt in front of the computer and trying to pretend that nothing was happening. But after some time, it stopped working.

Mom got interned and suddenly i was alone. Father and sis had to help her at the hospital and knew about my naïveté, so they kept me off of this for as long as i could. I was always awkward to get out of home, but at this point, i was risking some things more. My friends called me to go to their home to play CoD. As an innocent child, i always thought it was a terrible game that influentiates child to become criminal. At that point, i didn't care and just wanted to suck at that game as long as i had some friends by my side. Since i was staying most of the time in the house of a friend whose internet was better than mine, i also discovered Vocaloid and then anime. I remember watching To Aru Majutsu no Index as my first due to a virtual friend's obsession for Index. Was i starting to get better, or at least less awkward?

And then one day i woke up from a afternoon nap and the mother of my friend called me in alone. I remember what she said me, and i've even felt my heart constricting when typing this.

"Do you believe in God?"
"Hm."
"And you can believe that he knows what he does, always?"
"Yeah, but why..."
"Well... he took your mother."

I've never felt true sadness in my life. I always thought that i wasn't one for being too emotional, and i still think so. But i feel like i've died that day. I never recovered. I've still scarred to this day. Life wasn't good with me, and i've been stuck in depression since then, not only because i miss my mother, as much as i try to hide it, but also because i fear my own death. It's terrible. I've had some panic crisis since 2013 (one year after my mother's death) thanks to panic syndrome and that's why i've been taking fluoxetin daily.

That said, i've been recovering a bit. I had psychological help since the panic crisis, but i've suspended then temporarily because my psychologist left the country. I'm returning them now, because my psychological state started to influence my academical performance in university. I've made some friends, and even have a crush on a girl that was my classmate and helped me a lot with my anime tastes, but... i still find hard to chat with people for the first time. I feel that i can't "loose" myself and show my colors (despite all of that suffering i endured, i do make an effort to bring happiness and fun to those around me) at first, only after they know that i'm not as weird as i seem to be, that i do have my motives for being such a fake clown and that my tastes are obsessions. Even nowadays, i also find some difficulties in helping at menial tasks at home (and my father does explode when i fail to do so) such as cleaning.

Finally, i'd like to ask for you guys to come chat with me a bit. I know it's weird to ask, but i've been very timid when it comes to interacting with the Smogon community. So it's easier for me if the other people starts the conversation. I've been reading some old threads, specially about the IX WC (Hantsuki the heroine) and i'd like to interact with some of the people i see here... but as i said above, it's hard to take that first step.

Peace and sorry for my bad english and lack of capitalization.

I've gotta say this is definitely one of the deepest things I've read on this forum. Regarding your last paragraph, while this may seem a bit stereotypical, this IS the internet, so you can interact however you basically please lol. Just post something of usefulness in one of the forums that you like, I'm sure that you'll find that the people there are more welcoming that you originally thought. (except maybe firebot. firebot is... unique)
Welcome to Smogon!

 

[AokiHagane]

I've gotta say this is definitely one of the deepest things I've read on this forum. Regarding your last paragraph, while this may seem a bit stereotypical, this IS the internet, so you can interact however you basically please lol. Just post something of usefulness in one of the forums that you like, I'm sure that you'll find that the people there are more welcoming that you originally thought. (except maybe firebot. firebot is... unique)
Welcome to Smogon!

Turns out i just shy out. I try to put on a conversation, or at least find some Brazil coleagues, but when i fail to sustain the conversation, i just can't pull myself to continue talking. It's terrible.

I've been trying and trying again, but all i got to do was ask help and not take a step. Guess i should call the other people on this thread so we can discuss and relate through our problems?

 

[henry]

just saw this. diagnosed with ADD in kindergarten when my teacher found me reading multiple books at the same time, lol. took adderall regularly until about 2nd grade when I started refusing it. For as long as I can remember, I was very apathetic towards the medication and didn't like how it made me feel, despite it obviously treating my condition. my refusal/apathy towards it lead to me not skipping grades 2&3 when I was previously going to, but I like to think skipping two grades would've been a useless decision anyway. Aside from that, despite having ADD I was fortunate enough to be able to make it through grade school without an adequate attention span or adequate study skills.

Having gone to college for 3 semesters along with maintaining multiple jobs, I started to feel the effects of ADD on me more than ever. my sleep schedule had sporadic ebbs and flows based on what i had done that day. I never went to class because I couldn't pay attention anyways, and only ever looked at coursework the day or a few days before the final. That being said, I was still able to excel and perceived that I had "beaten" the disorder.

What I didn't understand is that just because I could cope with ADD's symptoms did not mean that I was actually treating it. Instead I was taking shortcuts and limiting what i could achieve in lieu of taking medication. I never learned how to study effectively because I was never confronted with the need for it, and now I feel the consequences when trying to prepare for finals. I never found a passion since I kept my mind at ease by doing/learning multiple things very quickly and dropping them after losing interest (which happened way too fast) and now I'm sitting at the second semester of my second year of college without a declared major. most noticeably though, my organizational skills were pathetic.

I decided to start taking medication again this semester, and I hope I can fix what I neglected.

Has anyone else here transitioned from taking/stopping to starting again much later in life? How difficult was your transition? I'm wondering if I'm going to have any adverse effects after not taking it for so long and abruptly starting again.

 

[Psychobuzz]

I'm diagnosed with Asperger's and communication happens to be one of my biggest problems. I surprised that the word 'communication' has only been mentioned once in the whole thread, although I'm not discarding how useful this post is to me. Maybe it's because the thread doesn't just cover autism.

I also find that there are so many rules that you have to follow for a certain thread, for example writing an analysis or rating a team. I like to do things perfectly and not make mistakes. I hate the idea of my post being locked just because I appear to have not done it properly.

Like Aoki I am the same in the fact that I've been battling for a long time but never had the confidence to post even by the time the Gen VI games came out, because there's too much going on and too many rules to follow. I see how useful the 'likes' system is as a record (I have 7 likes so far), but I'm not a fan of publicly displaying which people 'liked' other people's posts because if my opinion is disagreed by another user and people start liking their posts instead of mine then I may get frustrated. I think of this 'liking' business as just a pointless 'pile on' to how good the quality of a certain post is.

Outside of the forum, I do have problems with senses, particularly hearing. I'm sensitive to loud noises but at the same time I'm not a good listener. I do have irrational fears with sudden loud noises such as thunder, fireworks, and even group laughter. I may write more, but I don't want to give away too much information about myself, so I'll leave it here for now.

 

[Yato-Bunny]

Hiya, Aspie here. I also have ADHD, PTSD, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and a panic disorder. Got a nice laundry list of issues, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. They're a core part of my life and struggle and identity, and have helped me help those with similar problems. Plus, in the case of my Asperger's and bipolar, my creative and cognitive abilities have been greatly heightened.

In particular, I'm both hyperlexic and hyperempathetic. I taught myself to read when I was two and hit a college reading comprehension level in early middle school, and have always had a way with words. I have to be very careful with what I watch, as I essentially soak in others' emotions, though the reasoning behind those emotions or the actions which follow sometimes escape me. Overall, I'm a talented writer and charismatic speaker who has major difficulty with social conventions, body language, and routine. I was only diagnosed about a year and a half ago at age 17 because A) my bio family thought I wasn't autistic since I wasn't vaccinated, B) never took me to psychiatrist, and C) I didn't exhibit the typical "autistic" traits (introversion, speech delays, etc).

My ADHD actually has manifested itself in more severe form as I've gotten older--I was recently diagnosed, less than a year ago. I struggle greatly with making plans, sticking to schedules, and remembering to do things as simple as brushing my teeth or eating. I take Adderall for it, which has helped immensely, but I still struggle. It's a rough road, getting to a state where I can be independent, and of all my issues ADHD is perhaps the biggest roadblock.

Bipolar disorder runs in my family, like, big time. Luckily, it wasn't comorbid with narcissism for me (unluckily, it was for my parents, my brother, and my maternal grandparents), but it's still quite severe for me. My periods of mania aren't as debilitating as some, but my depressive periods are absolutely awful. I won't be able to leave bed. My Seroquel helps immensely, but it's still an uphill battle.

Keep going, folks! Your illness does not define you, but you know what? It isn't necessarily one hundred percent a bane, a burden. And the gifts it gives you do not invalidate your struggles.

 

[Felis]

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was five. My parents realised something was up before too long, as I'd do some crazy things. (One of which was kicking the elementary school principal in the nuts) At first, they put me on Dexedrine, then they felt that didn't work very well, so they tried Ritalin. Turned out not long after that that I was allergic to Ritalin, and was having severe mouth spasms because of it.

Years went by, and then when I was 12, my Mom, who had been very sick since I was born, died overnight. I didn't deal with it like other people did. I never fully accepted her Death. But I didn't realise that until years of struggling with motivation, and years of struggling with getting sleep and just generally being incapable. I eventually went to a Therapist/Psychologist in 2014 and she did some tests. Turns out I was struggling with Long-Term Depression or "dysthymia" as well as Generalised Anxiety disorder. Things haven't gotten a whole lot better since then, but the irony is... I still take ADHD meds now and then, but they only make a difference when I'm working a job. I currently take Strattera, and nothing has ever worked as well as it does.

I hope others who are struggling can find some peace, and not give up Hope in working hard to not let this define you, and to rise above people's misconceptions.

 

[Sugarbear]

I personally have a form of Asperger Syndrome. I took me years to learn how to empathise with other people, although on the flip side I am very good at it now. I have a hard time with people who have a dry sense of humour - there's a friend of my parents who always makes jokes with a dead straight face, and for years I thought he was being genuinely horrible. Sarcasm's also somewhat tough for me. I have a hard time accepting change, unless I know beyond doubt it's for the better.

 

[Felis]

I personally have a form of Asperger Syndrome. I took me years to learn how to empathise with other people, although on the flip side I am very good at it now. I have a hard time with people who have a dry sense of humour - there's a friend of my parents who always makes jokes with a dead straight face, and for years I thought he was being genuinely horrible. Sarcasm's also somewhat tough for me. I have a hard time accepting change, unless I know beyond doubt it's for the better.

You know the irony with being bad at something is that we have to learn how to be good at it, thus sometimes making us better than we would be otherwise. It's a fun irony.

 

[Martin]

Kinda necroing, but I'm going for the first of a few sessions with a specialist on the 24th, the results of which will be used to give me a diagnosis about whether I land on the autism spectrum or not. I'm a little anxious about it, but I feel like receiving a diagnosis (whether it ends up being positive or negative) will allow me to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin whilst also allowing me to understand myself a little better. It's a kinda big step for me that has taken my quite a few years to finally get around to confronting, and honestly I'd be lying if I said I wasn't regretting initiating the process even a little, but I do want to do it because it has the potential to explain a lot of my past and present self, and ultimately I feel like it will be a positive thing for me that will allow me to proceed with a clearer mind. I've always felt like I was different from everyone around me (and I still do feel like I am) whilst having had chronic shyness and a lot of difficulty socially in the past, so clearing it up will make me feel a lot more in control I guess haha. I might make another post talking about myself/my past at some point when I've had some more time to think, but I'll leave it at this for now.

 

[toshimelonhead]

I'm somewhere on the spectrum, but at this point in my life don't care about the exact diagnosis. I do know that Adderall is a performance enhancing drug when it comes to Pokemon.

 

[Joycap]

Well, considering I formerly called myself 'AutismSSB' this should come as no surprise to anyone.

Your explanation is here: http://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1spi5og

EDIT: Here's the score I got from a test I took a while ago:

ASD Score

 

[internet]

i live at a therapy home for autistic youths nowadays

 

[BenTheDemon]

Am I psychotic?

No, that's not a joke or a rhetorical question. I genuinely do not know whether or not one could label me as such. From what I've read, it seems like someone truly psychotic is completely unaware that anything is wrong and think that everything they experience is completely normal. I'm very aware that something is amiss, but the feelings of anxiety and depression are very constant. I have no relief from my symptoms. Though I may not spend every waking moment in a panic attack or crying in a corner, I do constantly feel them coming on. There simply is no peace.
Though I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression before, I've been able to manage them in the past. Now I cannot. My anxiety has gotten on a schedule and now I don't see things as what I worry about presently, but I'll feel anxiety looking at things like, "could you conceivably worry about this?" And the answer is always, "yes." And the anxieties I feel have become so frivolous and often contradictory.
Here are some completely irrational things that have triggered anxiety recently:
1. Knowing that it's completely impossible to watch ever YouTube video in existence.
2. Waking up from a dream and not remembering the character's names in the dream.
3. Remembering obscure things from childhood and not being able to just look them up.
4. Not being able to forget undesired thoughts on a whim.
5. Not being omniscient.
6. Recalling an old meme but not being able to find it.
7. Searching my mind for words that rhyme with some random word that pops into my mind.
8. The general feeling of "it's on tip of my tongue", and not being able to remember a word, person, etc, that you feel you should know immediately.
9. Trying to find better words or synonyms to form more eloquent sentences. (This post really made this fear flare up.)
10. Being unable to sleep from these random repeating thoughts.
11. Also feeling choked at night and feeling like I might suffocate.
12. Weekends in general, because therapy places are closed, but emergency rooms are expensive.
13. The headaches these fears cause, making me feel I might have a brain annorism or stroke.
14. The extremely violent thoughts in my mind, even knowing I don't want to hurt people, and it hurting to know the thoughts of mass homicide even cross my mind.
15. Loneliness and not having anyone to rely on irl (Believe it or not, you guys are the only friends I really have. I simply don't have friends irl.).
16. General feeling of personal inadequacy/worthlessness.
17. This just flared up, but I was thinking of what I was gonna write in this thread, but I lost my train of thought, and I get anxious when that happens.
18. A mixture of any of these things piling up and driving me to suicide, random acts of cruelty, or both.

None of these bring me to full-blown panic attacks very often, but at least one of these thoughts are always on my mind, and it makes my feelings of uneasyness quite constant.

From reading online, it seems I suffer from a type of OCD called "memory hoarding" recently, where I can't let go of dumb thoughts of memories, no matter how trivial, especially dreams.
I get anxious from not being able to remember literally everything, and my entire quality of life suffers from it.

And honestly, I sit here with tears in my eyes knowing that this hell I live in will be compounded by the fact that no one would ever want to love someone as broken as I, and that really gets under my skin, because eventually my parents will die. Even though I don't feel particularly close to them, I can't handle living by myself knowing that anything could happen to me and no one be around to see it or help me.

So with all this venting out of the way, I ask again:
Am I psychotic?

 

[Oddish.]

BenTheDemon

To be psychotic is to be disconnected from reality. I'm not in your head, but based on what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you're psychotic, just suffering from severe anxiety. Are you experiencing hallucinations, delusions, or disorganized thoughts? If not, I think it's safe to say you aren't psychotic. In any case, I think you should seek help.