...because who better to talk about Christmas songs than an atheist Jew, right?
No, seriously, I unironically love Christmas music and I've had it playing at my house pretty much constantly since before Thanksgiving. The sheer amount of Christmas music I've listened to in my life is... honestly it's kind of embarrassing. Want to know what the best neo-soul version of Little Drummer Boy is best? Or the best island-themed Christmas song? Or the most earnestly cheesy secular Christmas song? I've got opinions on all of it*. But I've never actually sat down and worked out my ranking of the top ten Christmas songs, and I figured it was time.
This will obviously be geared heavily toward my own personal preferences: a decent bit of R&B/soul, a lot of female vocalists, and a lot of songs that are just sad as hell. Toss a log on the fire, bust out some egg nog and give them a listen. Don't like my top ten? Make your own, and let me know what they are!
1. Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas Is You
The undisputed queen of Christmas music. This song has gotten so much play at this point that a lot of people hate it on principal, but seriously, if you haven't just given this a close listen in a while, I highly recommend it. Love her or hate her, when Mariah Carey's voice was at its peak she was probably the most talented vocalist of our generation. Her range (and especially her ability to hit the whistle register) gets the most attention, but beyond that, her vocal control and mastery of melisma was just phenomenal. All I Want for Christmas Is You is peak Mariah, and that vocal control is on full display here. It's also just a genuinely fun number, and has become the iconic modern Christmas song. Divorce yourself from the fact that you've heard it three times a day since Thanksgiving and let yourself enjoy it.
2. Dolly Parton - Hard Candy Christmas
Kind of strange that the cute but forgettable Best Little Whorehouse in Texas produced one of the all time best Christmas songs. This was originally written for the stage play/movie as a bittersweet note toward the end, as everyone packs up and moves on, and later Dolly Parton did a solo version where she sang all the parts for the soundtrack. I'm a sucker for anything Dolly Parton does, so maybe I'm biased, but this song is just something special, and I'd put it high up in the rankings of Dolly songs. It balances quiet and bittersweet musings on an uncertain future with the surprisingly optimistic chorus, and Dolly really rides the line between melancholy and stirring in a way that I think very few people could have pulled off. It's not a happy song, per se, but in the end for all its sad notes it's a song about closing one chapter of your life and starting another... surprisingly heady for a Christmas song from a stage play about a bordello.
3. Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
In the ranking of absolutely terrible people who've done amazing things, Phil Spector ranks pretty high on that list. Phil Spector's Christmas album may very well be the best Christmas album of all time, and this song is its peak. It's short and sweet, just under three minutes of gospel-turned-rock singer Darlene Love absolutely pouring everything she has into the microphone. It starts strong and doesn't let up from the moment Love appears, belting out every line, and doesn't drag things out; the song ends shortly after its breathless climax in the quick fade not uncommon on Phil Spector songs. This song was actually originally written for Ronnie Spector, but when she was struggling to hit the soulful high notes they gave it to Darlene Love to record instead, and I can't imagine it without her.
4. Joni Mitchell - River
OK, by now it should be obvious that I'm a sucker for songs that are absolute bummers. Joni Mitchell's wistful song where she wishes for a river she could skate away on isn't just one of the best Christmas songs; it stands as possibly the best song in her entire catalog. The song is achingly sad, full of unflinching looks at the mistakes she has made as she pines longingly for the ability to just leave it all behind. Everything about this song is more or less perfect: the lyrics straddle the line between song and poetry, her voice is full of all the sad and thoughtful notes that Joni has always mastered, and the minor key piano riff on Jingle Bells that the song opens and closes with turns a holiday classic into something surprisingly haunting. This song is just something special.
5. The Pogues f. Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York
NOTE: Explicit language, including use of slurs... not the most family friendly Christmas song
OK, first off, just going to say it: the only version of this song worth listening to is the original with Kirsty MacColl. The rawness of Shane MacGowan balanced by the lively but melodious Kirsty MacColl, and the amazing chemistry between them, absolutely make this song, and no other versions do it justice. Again we have another song that's a bit of a bummer, though this one sneaks up on you. It's a period piece, framed as the drunken reminiscences of a brief and tumultuous Christmas romance between a pair of Irish immigrants in New York in the 1920s. Shane McGowan's earnest, throaty voice works perfectly as he opens from a New York drunk tank, then transitions to Kirsty MacColl for the uplifting second verse, as the pair of lovers meet on Christmas eve and the whole world seems to open up for them. Kirsty MacColl is an absolute treasure, and the slight touches of weariness and sass are just enough to ground this and keep it from getting too sentimental without getting rid of any of the wonder. Then the layers peel away, the magic fades, and you're left with a quarreling pair of lovers, one a drunk and the other a junkie, screaming at each other in the middle of a cold and unforgiving city. The song is as raw as a Christmas song can be, and that moment in the third verse when Shane McGowan growls that he could have been someone, and Kirsty MacColl, exhausted, responds, "Well so could anyone..." ...I get shivers every time.
6. Run-D.M.C. - Christmas in Hollis
Had to take a break from the bummers for a bit. There are a lot of good Christmas hip hop songs, but Christmas in Hollis will pretty much always be the gold standard. The horn-heavy hook is instantly recognizable and completely infectious. Run and DMC break the song into two parts, with Run's verse a funny little section on finding Santa's wallet in the park, but it's DMC's happy reminiscences of his mother's Christmas dinner that really carry the song. Seriously, the amount of excitement he puts into "Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens" is just perfect. The song hits all the right notes of being silly and fun while still being a banger. This opened the door for a million other raps about Christmas, some great, some terrible (such as Kanye's Christmas in Harlem, which was a direct follow-up), but this one is still just the best.
7. Merle Haggard - If We Make It Through December
Alright, enough fun and games, back to the bummers. If We Make It Through December has become one of the most classic Merle Haggard songs, and it's one of the first I'll put on if I'm trying to introduce him to someone. Like most of his oeuvre, Merle keeps things simple and straightforward, his voice as clear and melodious as ever as he goes through this sad little number about being laid off before Christmas. The song could easily turn schmaltzy but Merle manages to capture that perfect balance of worry and optimism. He rides the line of despair but never quite dives into it: the song is not a detailed recounting of his failures but a hope that he and his family can make it through the cold of December and a Christmas that he can't afford. He pines, just a little, for warmer climates, but mostly he squares his shoulders and pushes through. The song shouldn't be comforting - there's no Christmas miracle at the end, no indication that things will turn out OK, just Merle and his clear-voiced pleas - and yet, somehow, it is.
8. Stevie Wonder f. Andra Day - Someday at Christmas
I don't know how Stevie Wonder manages to do it. So much of what he writes could drown in cheesiness and heavy-handed messaging, but when he puts it to music, a strange alchemy happens and you're left with something both catchy and surprisingly stirring. This is absolutely true with his overly optimistic paean to a future without war or hunger - those otherwise cheesy lyrics are buoyed by his always excellent piano and a melody that somehow keeps the sentimentalism from coming off as too over-the-top. He manages to temper the optimism with a note of sadness that runs through the song, a sadness that comes from the awareness that the magical "someday" is most certainly not today. It's probably sacrilege to use the 2015 made-for-a-commercial version of this song instead of the original (which is also very good and worth a listen), but the updated version with Andra Day somehow manages to surpass the original. Stevie's voice remains surprisingly strong, standing up to Andra Day's soulful runs. When their voices join up for the climax... whew. It's something really special.
9. TLC - Sleigh Ride
TLC holds a really special place in my heart. Growing up in the early nineties, TLC was everywhere, and Crazysexycool was the first album I ever bought with my own money. This song practically defined Christmas for me growing up, and it's kind of hard to explain why it's so special. The song came out not long after Hot 97 decided to reinvent itself and turn from a top 40 station into a dedicated hip hop and R&B station, and this song was always in heavy rotation around the holidays throughout middle school and early high school for me. This is what I grew up listening to, and what I still put on every holiday season. TLC was always a delight and Sleigh Ride showcases all their best talents: T-Bozz's distinct vocals, Left Eye's joyous rap verses and Chilli's harmony anchoring it all. Maybe it's just nostalgia, but for me Sleigh Ride will always be one of the absolute best.
10. Tom Waits - Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis
I'm not a big Charles Bukowski fan, but this Tom Waits song based off the Bukowski poem of the same name is something special. Tom Waits sings the lines of the poem more or less straight over the same jazz club-style piano chords that more or less define his Blue Valentines era. Waits's trademark growls and gasps breathe life into this song, as he bounces from line to line with a wistful glee. At its height is the penultimate verse, when the eponymous Minneapolis hooker fantasizes buying a used car lot and refusing to sell a single one. It's a strange and surprisingly stirring song, and the kind of song that no one but Tom Waits could have pulled off.
Runner-Ups:
*Alicia Keys - Little Drummer Girl, Toni Braxton & Shaggy - Christmas in Jamaica, and Dar Williams - Christians and Pagans, natch
No, seriously, I unironically love Christmas music and I've had it playing at my house pretty much constantly since before Thanksgiving. The sheer amount of Christmas music I've listened to in my life is... honestly it's kind of embarrassing. Want to know what the best neo-soul version of Little Drummer Boy is best? Or the best island-themed Christmas song? Or the most earnestly cheesy secular Christmas song? I've got opinions on all of it*. But I've never actually sat down and worked out my ranking of the top ten Christmas songs, and I figured it was time.
This will obviously be geared heavily toward my own personal preferences: a decent bit of R&B/soul, a lot of female vocalists, and a lot of songs that are just sad as hell. Toss a log on the fire, bust out some egg nog and give them a listen. Don't like my top ten? Make your own, and let me know what they are!
1. Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas Is You
The undisputed queen of Christmas music. This song has gotten so much play at this point that a lot of people hate it on principal, but seriously, if you haven't just given this a close listen in a while, I highly recommend it. Love her or hate her, when Mariah Carey's voice was at its peak she was probably the most talented vocalist of our generation. Her range (and especially her ability to hit the whistle register) gets the most attention, but beyond that, her vocal control and mastery of melisma was just phenomenal. All I Want for Christmas Is You is peak Mariah, and that vocal control is on full display here. It's also just a genuinely fun number, and has become the iconic modern Christmas song. Divorce yourself from the fact that you've heard it three times a day since Thanksgiving and let yourself enjoy it.
2. Dolly Parton - Hard Candy Christmas
Kind of strange that the cute but forgettable Best Little Whorehouse in Texas produced one of the all time best Christmas songs. This was originally written for the stage play/movie as a bittersweet note toward the end, as everyone packs up and moves on, and later Dolly Parton did a solo version where she sang all the parts for the soundtrack. I'm a sucker for anything Dolly Parton does, so maybe I'm biased, but this song is just something special, and I'd put it high up in the rankings of Dolly songs. It balances quiet and bittersweet musings on an uncertain future with the surprisingly optimistic chorus, and Dolly really rides the line between melancholy and stirring in a way that I think very few people could have pulled off. It's not a happy song, per se, but in the end for all its sad notes it's a song about closing one chapter of your life and starting another... surprisingly heady for a Christmas song from a stage play about a bordello.
3. Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
In the ranking of absolutely terrible people who've done amazing things, Phil Spector ranks pretty high on that list. Phil Spector's Christmas album may very well be the best Christmas album of all time, and this song is its peak. It's short and sweet, just under three minutes of gospel-turned-rock singer Darlene Love absolutely pouring everything she has into the microphone. It starts strong and doesn't let up from the moment Love appears, belting out every line, and doesn't drag things out; the song ends shortly after its breathless climax in the quick fade not uncommon on Phil Spector songs. This song was actually originally written for Ronnie Spector, but when she was struggling to hit the soulful high notes they gave it to Darlene Love to record instead, and I can't imagine it without her.
4. Joni Mitchell - River
OK, by now it should be obvious that I'm a sucker for songs that are absolute bummers. Joni Mitchell's wistful song where she wishes for a river she could skate away on isn't just one of the best Christmas songs; it stands as possibly the best song in her entire catalog. The song is achingly sad, full of unflinching looks at the mistakes she has made as she pines longingly for the ability to just leave it all behind. Everything about this song is more or less perfect: the lyrics straddle the line between song and poetry, her voice is full of all the sad and thoughtful notes that Joni has always mastered, and the minor key piano riff on Jingle Bells that the song opens and closes with turns a holiday classic into something surprisingly haunting. This song is just something special.
5. The Pogues f. Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York
NOTE: Explicit language, including use of slurs... not the most family friendly Christmas song
OK, first off, just going to say it: the only version of this song worth listening to is the original with Kirsty MacColl. The rawness of Shane MacGowan balanced by the lively but melodious Kirsty MacColl, and the amazing chemistry between them, absolutely make this song, and no other versions do it justice. Again we have another song that's a bit of a bummer, though this one sneaks up on you. It's a period piece, framed as the drunken reminiscences of a brief and tumultuous Christmas romance between a pair of Irish immigrants in New York in the 1920s. Shane McGowan's earnest, throaty voice works perfectly as he opens from a New York drunk tank, then transitions to Kirsty MacColl for the uplifting second verse, as the pair of lovers meet on Christmas eve and the whole world seems to open up for them. Kirsty MacColl is an absolute treasure, and the slight touches of weariness and sass are just enough to ground this and keep it from getting too sentimental without getting rid of any of the wonder. Then the layers peel away, the magic fades, and you're left with a quarreling pair of lovers, one a drunk and the other a junkie, screaming at each other in the middle of a cold and unforgiving city. The song is as raw as a Christmas song can be, and that moment in the third verse when Shane McGowan growls that he could have been someone, and Kirsty MacColl, exhausted, responds, "Well so could anyone..." ...I get shivers every time.
6. Run-D.M.C. - Christmas in Hollis
Had to take a break from the bummers for a bit. There are a lot of good Christmas hip hop songs, but Christmas in Hollis will pretty much always be the gold standard. The horn-heavy hook is instantly recognizable and completely infectious. Run and DMC break the song into two parts, with Run's verse a funny little section on finding Santa's wallet in the park, but it's DMC's happy reminiscences of his mother's Christmas dinner that really carry the song. Seriously, the amount of excitement he puts into "Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens" is just perfect. The song hits all the right notes of being silly and fun while still being a banger. This opened the door for a million other raps about Christmas, some great, some terrible (such as Kanye's Christmas in Harlem, which was a direct follow-up), but this one is still just the best.
7. Merle Haggard - If We Make It Through December
Alright, enough fun and games, back to the bummers. If We Make It Through December has become one of the most classic Merle Haggard songs, and it's one of the first I'll put on if I'm trying to introduce him to someone. Like most of his oeuvre, Merle keeps things simple and straightforward, his voice as clear and melodious as ever as he goes through this sad little number about being laid off before Christmas. The song could easily turn schmaltzy but Merle manages to capture that perfect balance of worry and optimism. He rides the line of despair but never quite dives into it: the song is not a detailed recounting of his failures but a hope that he and his family can make it through the cold of December and a Christmas that he can't afford. He pines, just a little, for warmer climates, but mostly he squares his shoulders and pushes through. The song shouldn't be comforting - there's no Christmas miracle at the end, no indication that things will turn out OK, just Merle and his clear-voiced pleas - and yet, somehow, it is.
8. Stevie Wonder f. Andra Day - Someday at Christmas
I don't know how Stevie Wonder manages to do it. So much of what he writes could drown in cheesiness and heavy-handed messaging, but when he puts it to music, a strange alchemy happens and you're left with something both catchy and surprisingly stirring. This is absolutely true with his overly optimistic paean to a future without war or hunger - those otherwise cheesy lyrics are buoyed by his always excellent piano and a melody that somehow keeps the sentimentalism from coming off as too over-the-top. He manages to temper the optimism with a note of sadness that runs through the song, a sadness that comes from the awareness that the magical "someday" is most certainly not today. It's probably sacrilege to use the 2015 made-for-a-commercial version of this song instead of the original (which is also very good and worth a listen), but the updated version with Andra Day somehow manages to surpass the original. Stevie's voice remains surprisingly strong, standing up to Andra Day's soulful runs. When their voices join up for the climax... whew. It's something really special.
9. TLC - Sleigh Ride
TLC holds a really special place in my heart. Growing up in the early nineties, TLC was everywhere, and Crazysexycool was the first album I ever bought with my own money. This song practically defined Christmas for me growing up, and it's kind of hard to explain why it's so special. The song came out not long after Hot 97 decided to reinvent itself and turn from a top 40 station into a dedicated hip hop and R&B station, and this song was always in heavy rotation around the holidays throughout middle school and early high school for me. This is what I grew up listening to, and what I still put on every holiday season. TLC was always a delight and Sleigh Ride showcases all their best talents: T-Bozz's distinct vocals, Left Eye's joyous rap verses and Chilli's harmony anchoring it all. Maybe it's just nostalgia, but for me Sleigh Ride will always be one of the absolute best.
10. Tom Waits - Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis
I'm not a big Charles Bukowski fan, but this Tom Waits song based off the Bukowski poem of the same name is something special. Tom Waits sings the lines of the poem more or less straight over the same jazz club-style piano chords that more or less define his Blue Valentines era. Waits's trademark growls and gasps breathe life into this song, as he bounces from line to line with a wistful glee. At its height is the penultimate verse, when the eponymous Minneapolis hooker fantasizes buying a used car lot and refusing to sell a single one. It's a strange and surprisingly stirring song, and the kind of song that no one but Tom Waits could have pulled off.
Runner-Ups:
- Prince - Another Lonely Christmas. Is this the best Prince song? No, not by a long shot. It's not a bad song, mind you (though even a bad Prince song is by definition better than 90% of the music out there), but no one is ever going to include Another Lonely Christmas in a list of Prince's best. But this ode to a lover who died on December 25 is almost worth inclusion for its keen insight into how Prince dealt with pain and loss (drinking banana daiquiris until he goes blind, apparently), as well as for the surprising amount of sexual innuendo Prince manages to pack into a verse about a game of Po-Ke-No.
- Sharon and the Dap Kings - Please Come Home For Christmas. Another rarity where the cover surpasses the original, the Sharon and the Dap Kings version of the Charlie Brown classic is a delight. Or, well, it's a delight if you like sad, melancholy soul songs. Which I do. Quite a lot, actually.
- The Weather Girls - Dear Santa (Bring Me a Man This Christmas). I only found out that the Weather Girls made a Christmas song this year, and now I'm disappointed with myself for decades of missing out. The Weather Girls (of "It's Raining Men" fame) are an absolute delight, and this song is no exception. Highly, highly recommend.
- Mary J. Blige - Mary Did You Know? Yes, yes, she's singing a classic carol about the Virgin Mary, but I like to pretend this is a song Mary J. Blige wrote about herself. Anyhow, this is my absolute favorite song off her Christmas album, which is a very good Christmas album, so give it a listen.
- Sufjan Stevens - Did I make you cry on christmas day? (Well, you deserved it). OK, Sufjan Stevens has written approximately so many Christmas songs that you need a slide rule to properly count them, and I can sometimes lose patience with him, but this cheery little jingle about a relationship unraveling has always been my favorite of his.
- Judy Garland - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. The original, the best. One of those songs that is so omnipresent and has been covered so many times that it's really easy to forget how beautiful and sad the original is.
*Alicia Keys - Little Drummer Girl, Toni Braxton & Shaggy - Christmas in Jamaica, and Dar Williams - Christians and Pagans, natch
