Folks. I Have Cooked. Do Not Use This If You Are Sane.
Gonna make this my first Bazaar post as this is far too terrible to make an RMT on and I don't have the mental fortitude to actually ladder any higher with this but
I have brought the Strongest Offensive Core Ever Seen to the 1700s and, in my infinite wisdom and out of the kindness of my heart, I would like to share this technology with the people. Presenting...
Alolem - Leaves Grass Spam
: Some may ask. What does Alolem even do ? The Answer ? Yeah. Banded with Wild Charge - Brick Break - HHP - Stealth Rock is a really stupid set but you trap, outspeed and OHKO Gambit and non-offensive Heatran while doing a ton of damage to Corviknight (72-86% to PhysDef), enabling your other mons to sweep, and Stealth Rock is good in matchups where you can leverage its typing against things like Zapdos to force a switch as Zap can be an issue for this team without Rocks up. Even if the opponent Teras to escape the trap they'll be dropping the Steel typing, granting openings for the rest of the team to break through. Tera really isn't needed tbh but Fighting can help vs a Gambit that's got a couple SD's up and so threatens the Sucker Punch kill. This mon may be pretty terrible in general but the natural bulk isn't too bad, and it's the only trapper in the tier that actually threatens an immediate OHKO on both Kingambit and Heatran so it's a pretty fun pick. Shoutout
Firer4 for the epic discussions about this mon, it’s definitely been nicer for me than I expected and I was a believer from the start.
: What does Leaves do ? Not much really tbh, but trapping and eliminating Gambit means that you can drop CC for an attack to hit Dragapult and Gholdengo, although you need +2 to really do anything because Leaves isn't exactly the strongest mon and your best coverage is Night Slash which is pretty weak even when powered up by Tera Dark. Booster Speed is selected as the team lacks speed control and I think Booster Attack with Trailblaze is really terrible in OU so don't use that, and this mon struggles to break so is best kept as a late-game cleaner but good natural bulk can let it live a hit from Booster Moth and Val in a pinch. Just don't fail the trap against non-Tera'd Gambit or this will literally be a dead mon and you'll be playing 4-6 LOL.
: Rillaboom is a powerful breaker and gives some much-needed priority to a pretty slow team, checking Iron Valiant while also giving Terrain support to power up Leaves' Leaf Blades, give Hatterene better passive recovery and weaken EQs in general. Rilla can also spam Grassy Glide more freely if Heatran, Corv and Gambit are removed, while Zapdos / Moltres get knocked and can be chipped down with Alolem able to switch freely into and get rocks up on both (though not enjoying a burn off Molt). Tera Grass gives more breaking power into bulkier teams while also letting Grassy Glide be even more threatening to frail sweepers and Grass-weak mons.
: Cloak Bold Ghold provides some good defensive value to the team and saves you from being 6-0d by Fairy Garg and Crunch + Heavy Slam Zamazenta, with SBall and Gleam giving perfect coverage and Nasty Plot to turn this into a wincon. Tera Fairy powers up your Gleam and helps defensively with resisting Dark, particularly valuable if Gambit Tera'd or wasn't earlier trapped to resist their Sucker Punch while also being a good neutral defensive typing. Speed investment here is for all Gambit although you could maybe lower that as you will typically trap them, though outspeeding defensive Tusk is always nice.
: Samu-H is good support and a breaker for the team, usually able to bluff Scarf to scare out opposing leads like Dragapult in matchups where you don't want a different lead. Ceaseless Edge provides spikes support, with Knock Off making progress against Tusk + Zapdos and Aqua Cutter as a strong STAB option that isn't contact so cannot be punished by Static. Sucker Punch or Aqua Jet is also worth considering, but Encore is a really good utility option vs hazard setters, slower setup mons and Sucker Punch users, while also able to get the slow Encore off against mons that think they can force you out and set up for free like Zama and Ogerpon. Tera Poison is chosen to help check Iron Valiant in a pinch and not get OHKO'd by opposing Rilla, while Boots may seem counterintuitive when you have Hatt but the team lacks removal and so opposing Samu-H can get Spikes on you freely while Hatt is often a game of predictions vs lead Iron Treads.
: Hatterene is a good win-con that would typically struggle with Kingambit and also gives the team Magic Bounce, as you lack any other removal. Psyshock lets you win CM wars while giving you a better option than Stored Power when you aren't able to get up multiple CMs, and Draining Kiss hits Dark-types along with improving longevity. This set is still walled by Gholdengo, but I prefer Nuzzle over Mystical Fire to let Hatt function as a panic check to fast mons like Zama, Dnite and Cinderace that won't die in one hit, and with Leftovers instead of Grassy Seed you can Nuzzle on the switch, go out to your Samu and come back in later. Tera Poison is nice as it lets you set up on Sludge Bomb from Slowking-G, resist Rillaboom's Grass moves and keep your Fighting resistance unlike Tera Steel, although Tera Water is also a good neutral defensive typing that is definitely usable but worse into Slowking-G and Zapdos.
I haven't tested this team too high and I don't intend to try and bring it to top ladder but it got my account back to 1700 after not having laddered for a while, so it definitely isn't complete shit and I figured that the Alolem-Leaves offensive core needed to see the light of day especially with Iron Leaves finally catching a win and rising to UU by usage (rip Alolem still stuck in PU). If there's anything about the team that needs changing it's definitely the Leaves since it's pretty horrible Speed control and something like Booster Val, Ogerpon-W or Ogerpon-C would definitely fit better here, but I wanted to try this mon out and we don't have Kartana to fit on Magnet Pull + Leaf Blade spam so Leaves it is. Golem-A is actually a pretty good fit and often puts in some work even when it doesn't have a target to trap, finding openings to get up Rocks or deal heavy damage to a target that isn't expecting it. Hope that anyone dares to use this enjoys the team! Just remember to make good predicts to get your trap off, don't blow your resources too early with Leaves or by committing to a Hatt/Ghold sweep and don't take this team too seriously as it's mainly just fun.