Hi everyone c:
First, I'd like to say how amazed I am at all the courageous stories I've read in here and that they make me feel like my personal history really can't compare, since throughout my life, mostly everyone I've met has been accepting of my sexuality, even the people I went to church with before moving, and the people I go to church with now (Well, they were accepting of it to my face, at least). Since everyone's been more or less neutral to what I am, I haven't really had much to go off of when it came to sexuality, that being said, I should probably tell my story just so you can kinda sorta get an idea of what my problem is.
So, I guess it all really started in elementary school; everyone was getting into more teenage things by 4th and 5th grade, particularly relationships. Relationships back then weren't really relationships, more of some guy hanging out with some girl and them acting all flirty together in front of everyone to make sure everyone knew they were together. I, personally, just wanted to sit in the corner and play video games, but since my parents didn't let me bring electronics to school, I couldn't do that, so I had to sit there and absorb the bad influences that these people around me were giving off. Like I said, I had a high preference towards video games, and because of that, I didn't really get to have all that many female friends, hardly any of them had interest in those, and because of this, I was left with mostly guys as my grouping of friends, many of which were obnoxious pricks and pervs that only ever wanted to talk about sports and girls; thankfully none of the sports talk imprinted onto me, but since I had literally no idea what relationships and such were, the things they told me kinda just molded my basis interpretation for how they should work. I tried asking about relationships with boys before, but since I had only boys to talk to, they didn't really know what to say, and were against even thinking about it, since being "gay" or a "gaywad" back then was a horrible thing to be, and I had legitimately thought that that was something to avoid, since I didn't know any better. I never asked my parents anything, since after an incident in around 2nd grade or so where my father snapped at me, calling me stupid when trying to get his attention to ask him something while he was watching his football game or something, it led to me being afraid of upsetting my parents like that ever again, so yeah, I never really got many life lessons from my parents, other than them trying to mold me as to what I "should" and "shouldn't" be, but this is an entirely different issue that doesn't relate to the LGBTQ realm, so, I won't focus on that.
Life continued relatively fine for me from there, until middle school came around where health classes came and I learned that it's actually supposed to be "normal" for girls to be in relationships with guys, rather than females, and that that was how children are created. It never really sunk in that I was "supposed" to be attracted to boys this whole time, so I tried to force it to see how it would go, even though I was mostly attracted to girls, since that was how I had thought it was supposed to be until school taught me otherwise. Guys were always ready to hook up with girls, so I was in no shortage of options when it came to being courted. I generally didn't care all that much and still focused on my video games, until Valentine's Day in 7th grade, where I got a valentine from a guy I was acquainted with; he thought I was cute and wanted to go on a date with me, and since I had nothing to do with my time other than play video games, I figured "why not". It was my first date ever, so it was the one date that would mold how I felt about all dates, and it was a simple trip to the movies and then an ice cream place before we all went back to my house and just kinda hung out for a while until it started getting dark out. He and I never really talked much, we just played whatever video game I had that he thought would be fun. I never really grew to like him as a relationship partner, and nor did he towards me, but I still had a good time, so I kinda figured that all dates were like this, regardless of who they were with, so I kinda grew adjusted towards being able to date anyone, regardless of gender. The only terms I knew for sexuality back then were straight and gay, so the way I decided to describe myself was curvy, since it's kinda sorta an opposite of straight, but at the same time not gay, since I had never even heard of the terms bisexual or pansexual :p
Life was going pretty well from there, until sometime in 8th grade, about a little bit after spring break, a very bad incident happened between me and a male student whom I had met before but never really interacted with; I'd rather not go into detail with what happened, but simply put, I needed a break from guys afterwards. I was able to find contentment with my friends, but unfortunately, it wasn't meant to last. My father had gotten a new job in a relatively far away place; it was still in the same state, but far enough away for the new location to feel like a completely different world from what I had gotten used to. I had a lot of short term friends, but nobody I could really call a companion, so I mainly just used video games to fill the void that was left when I had to move away from my super close circle of friends I had back at my previous home. It was also at this time that I was introduced to being online, thanks to the school providing laptops for the students to use, and sooner or later, once I had established my existence on the internet, I became exposed to the overwhelming presence of gross guys online that wanted nothing other than to objectify women, which really didn't help how I felt about men as a whole. It mainly ended up being the lesbian/bisexual community on Google+ that embraced me, and it actually felt nice to be a part of something, so I fell mainly into the state of being a lesbian for a long while, no longer wanting anything to do in terms of romance with men. I had a large amount of failed crushes and failed relationships throughout my years in high school, which didn't really help my depression, and it was my depression that eventually started making me think that I may not be suited for anyone, and that was the mentality I had for the longest time, until 11th grade, where other women actually began to be attracted to me, which, at the time, was one of the most unusual things I had ever experienced. Unfortunately, most of them were just trying to look for hookups rather than full-on relationships, which weren't really what I was looking for, but it was nonetheless a much-needed boost to my self esteem that gave me the strength to power through the remainder of high school.
I never really became what I would like to consider mentally mature until by the time I got out of high school, where life hit me like a bus. Thankfully, my parents are providing the finances I need for college and everything else, as well as a roof over my head. But, anyways, I'm going to ITT Tech now, and it's a wonderful program, but if there's one thing I could complain about, it's the lack of human interaction; pretty much all I get to do within the school is go to classes and that's about it, the classes are pretty small too, which doesn't help. So I'm kinda just isolated from the real world around me right now while I learn how to code using various languages and do html and stuff. Currently, I feel kinda neutral to everything, and it's just like, once you spend a good year or so not having to care about who you're with, or how you feel about people, you kinda just lose sight to what you know about yourself. After taking a good long while of consideration, I find myself being between a mix of being aromantic, asexual, demisexual, potentially gender fluid, gynesexual/femmesexual, and mostly, questioning. When people ask what I am, or something to the extent in which I have to say what my sexuality is, I usually just say I'm a lesbian, even though I haven't been romantically involved in a lesbian relationship since high school. I mean, I'm still physically attracted to women and feminine qualities in general, but like, I haven't really felt love for anyone for a long time. So it's like, I like women and people that come off as feminine, but I don't ever think of them romantically, I guess? I don't know... I've just been confused about what I am lately, and was hoping you guys could help me out, give me some advice, or something.
And ultimately, even if I don't get anything all that helpful, it still feels loads better to get that off of my chest :) all that has been bubbling around inside me for the longest time, I swear, and I'm grateful for having this thread full of hopefully understanding people that would actually be happy to help.
