I know the solution to this is to step out of my comfort zone and go out into the real world, but I don't exactly have the time that I used to outside of work, and every chance I did get I've found that once I'm out of an academic environment it's difficult to find women with any kind of common interest, not to mention any other kind of compatibility. I've always found the most success when I wasn't actively looking but in this case I feel like I have to do something if I want my situation to change. Anyone else experience trouble in this kind of transition and have something to say?
just feel like not-really-venting-but-thinking-out-loud and this is relateable to me
Honestly though, even through high school and through uni I've never been much to socialize with people. But I work too much now, gotta pay the bills man (that massive student debt for a fucking worthless sheet of paper), where do I go? I rarely venture out and do things on my own, just to leave the house and be around people, but I'm still just kinda in my own bubble. I'm in the crowd, but I'm not a part of it. Even the couple of VGC events I've attended, I just kinda hung around Synre and company and occasionally interject with a line or two, but I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in a bit, a good acquaintance more than an actual friend.
Anyway, as it relates to the topic. I spent 12+ hours after work Saturday night watching a streaming bro of mine play ("play)" through a VN on Twitch. Chat made it a hella fun experience really. But it just sorta got the gears turning in my head, y'know? "I'm never going to experience a love like that." I mean, anime clichés and all but even as far as realistic real-life stuff, I'm probably never going to experience any serious romance at all. There's a part of me that wants that experience, those feels. However, I simply don't know where to even begin and hardly want to put forth the effort to actively look for a partnership per se (like, say, join an online dating site). But it's extremely unlikely I'm just going to chance into a relationship, right? I don't go anywhere, I don't
do anything and on the rare occasion that I do... well, see above. So other than my workplace, I'm not really meeting anybody new. There's nobody I'm interested in, in fact there's hardly anybody I really know at all. I'm just sorta floating along in space in my own little bubble. It's put me in a rather not-really-but-kinda-yeah-depressed funk the past couple days, case in point me posting in this topic.
Rewind back to uni a bit, really the only girl I ever got to somewhat know and began to take a minor interest in was this nerdy blonde chick in the same program, and graduating class, as me. We talked maybe once or twice a month when we happened to bump into each other on campus, again more of a friendly acquaintance than really friends, but she had a certain charm to her and she's really the only person I've ever just sat down and carried on a casual conversation with on multiple occasions. Then my graduation is pushed back a year due to my academic advisor's fuck-up with my class scheduling so we're no longer in the same courses, the shit happens where I get kicked out of school briefly, etc. Disruptions in all my life plans and all, unfortunately mostly out of my control. She enters her final year of schooling and is out on rotations rather than around campus. Now she's gone and all I'm left with is her first name and a vague remembrance of her appearance.
High school? Just kinda reclusive until senior year, when I actually shared a lunch break with my small circle of friends but the girls were all taken anyway. Had a semi-serious online relationship for a couple years, which didn't end well but I'm over it by now. Lost contact with pretty much all the old TPM crew anymore, they've went their own ways in real life but me these days? I'm still sitting here on Pokémon message boards whining, eh. I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything, certainly no interest in the scant selection of females at my current job which is about the only place I do interact with other people offline. I'm pushing almost 30 at this point (fuck I feel old saying that on this forum) and I'm... just here. Not in the sense of "here on Smogon right now." Like, I just exist. I'm me and nothing more, because there is nothing to me. I'm just a warm body going through the motions, the sobering reality that is my life.
I should wrap it up there because at this point I'm going to go into a despondent monologue about how everything else in my life sucks too (mostly the whole "went to school to be a doctor, merely ended up with a still respectable science degree, may as well have been in music theory because that would've been equally useful to me at this point in time" thing), but as far as just looking for love I'm totally lost. I don't think I'll ever find my way either, and while that isn't totally devastating to my existence it makes me a little somber, and bitter. A serious romantic relationship would do much to uplift my spirits and improve my perspective on life. I mean, I've survived up to this point and will continue to but god damn would it help me get through each and every mediocre day if I knew there was always someone there for me to lean on. But it's just one of the everything I'll never have in life... Like a respectable job in my field of study utilizing the education and skills I learned, or the freedom of time to invest into my hobbies to keep my mind off the lack of either of those two things (because I have a shitty job I'm seriously overworked in that I can't just up and abandon as a responsible adult). I'm totally on my own.
No rest for the wicked but death. Unfortunately, I'm past the point of seriously considering killing myself (should've done that years ago) and now I'll probably live to be 120 in all my inglory. Still forever alone. You know, I don't like to use the word "depressed" to describe my feelings because I feel it diminishes the seriousness of real depression when it's not like I've ever been to a shrink to be formally diagnosed, or medicated. But I just spent the past two hours aimlessly wandering the Internet instead of going to bed on time for me to get a reasonable night's sleep for work in five hours. Just like I did yesterday, except I didn't write a whiny piece of shit post about it last night. So, fuck. Maybe I am depressed.
I mean, I just spent a good ten minutes staring at this would-be post before finally hitting the Post Reply button. Wasn't reviewing for typos or anything, just sat here staring blankly at the monitor not really thinking anything, except I don't want to get up and go to bed and roll out of bed and do the same thing all over again. Edit: I re-read after posting and fixed shit up anyway though, as is usual for me. Can never simply catch everything before posting...
I'm sorry for kinda drifting away from the main point of the topic.