Gifts of Generation VI

Firstly, a note from the writer:

This article was conceived in the very early days of X & Y to draw the community's attention to some of the lesser known additions and changes the new generation had brought forth to the attention of anyone who may have missed them, with the medium of choice being whimsical, short, situational stories featuring Pokémon using those moves, or whatever crazed idea said writer could come up with to illustrate something as abstract as critical hit mechanics.

Alas, due to circumstances that were ~~partially mostly~~ entirely the writer's fault, said article lays in a state of almost completion for.... almost 2 months.

As such, everyone is probably pretty up to date with any of these changes that matter, but the writer sincerely hopes you find his mad rambling entertaining anyway. And don't find his use of 3rd person to refer to himself pretentious and annoying.

EXPLOUD: Why to be suspicious of Canadians and Amplifiers

Imagine if you could travel back to the days of Red and Blue, and you told Game Freak that one day, they'd make a new move almost as powerful as Hyper Beam, but it didn't have any sort of recharge, recoil, or any sort of real downside whatsoever. They'd have laughed you out of any serious discussion what-so-ever. THEN imagine if you told them that it had 100% accuracy, as opposed to Hyper Beam's shaky 90%. They'd have laughed you out of the building. Then imagine, as you stood smugly at the exit, you shouted out to them, "OH, AND BY THE WAY, IT GETS AROUND SUBSTITUTE TOO." They'd have laughed at you all the way to the asylum.

Well, guess who's laughing now? Exploud; that's who's laughing now. And it really hurts, because he has absolutely NO concept of indoor voice. If you're wondering, this concoction of madmen is called BOOMBURST (caps may or may not be necessary). I mean, other things get it too. But, Exploud has that delicious combination of a high Special Attack and getting STAB on Boomburst that other learners of this move (not named Chatot) don't possess.

Plus, you know what's normally immune to Normal-type moves? Ghost-types. You know what Exploud gets? Scrappy. The ability that allows Normal-type moves to hit Ghosts. That's right. Exploud is so loud that he can scream Ghost-types into submission. He causes ripples so loud that they cannot be expressed merely through the vibrations of air; it vibrates the very cosmos, so even the ethereal nether-beings can feel his wails! Your Substitutes cannot protect you. You can run, but he'll be waiting. Waiting to scream, scream so loudly that only being a mime can protect you.

Did we also mention that Exploud is a master of the elements? He has access to Blizzard and Fire Blast. What we can deduce from this is that Exploud is actually a wizard. A Canadian wizard. So remember, kids: Be nice to Canadians when they're loud. Because, they might secretly be an Exploud. And if you annoy them, even death cannot save you.

Mega Banette: Halloween Special

You awaken in the dead of night. It's 4 AM and you're drenched in sweat. You recall fuzzy memories of what awakened you. Some kind of nightmare? You toss and turn, but you can't get back to sleep. You glance sideways at you clock. 4:05... has it really been only five minutes? There's no way you can get back to sleep. You can't help feeling that something is pressing on the edge of your mind. A muffled laugh? The klink of a zip? You pass it off as something trivial from whatever screwed-up dream woke you up in the first place.

You resign yourself to getting out of bed, if only to stretch your legs. But as you pass your window, you see a bright light shining through the curtains. You open them a little, hoping to identify what on earth is that bright at this time in the morning, when BAM, your eyes are searing, your face is boiling, your skin melting. You're far too much in pain to see the gruesome facsimile of children's doll, the facade of a thing of play, covered in zips and pockets spontaneously appearing behind.

And with that, it all ends.

You just fell victim to Mega Banette, who has a number of terrifying tricks that should make you rightfully fear the ghostly Mega. Firstly, he got Prankster. That sounds jolly right? All whoopee-cushions and mustaches? WRONG. Prankster means priority Will-O-Wisp, Screech, Rest, Calm Mind, Toxic, AND Destiny Bond. Mega Banette has an ARSENAL of things he'd love to inflict on you, enough to keep doubles and singles players running for their lives. Secondly, he has 165 base Attack. That is the same as RAMPARDOS'S Attack. That is more Attack than Mewtwo's Special Attack! That is almost as much Attack as Sunkern has STATS.

And thirdly (this is for the doubles players out there), is a 'lil move called Phantom Force. On the first turn, it makes the user invulnerable to attacks. "Oh, all right, like Fly, then?" I hear you say. Well, just wait a second...

On the second turn, it attacks with a 90 Base Power physical Ghost-type move. "Oh, so like Ghost-type Fl-" JUST GIMME A MINUTE.

On the SECOND Turn, the user attacks, and bypasses and REMOVES the effect of pretty much every protective move in the game. Protect, Detect, Spiky Shield, King's Shield, it matters not. You can't stop it. It's coming for you, and the only warning you'll get is the sound of its zip running allll the way down.

Flareon & Entei: Cats got da moves

If a Pokémon's movepool is a dance, then Flareon is the quiet kid standing in the corner sipping his virgin gin and tonic, and not doing anything. It's not that Flareon doesn't WANT to dance; he's certainly got the stuff to strut. 130 of the stuff to be exact. But it's a well-established fact that Flareon just never had the moves to strut his stuff. It's like a six-foot-tall guy who was built to breakdance, but only ever learned ballet. It just never matched up.

Even with the great tempo change in Generation IV, which saw many big dancers with lots of stuff starting to jive away (because suddenly the beat matched their jive stick with the nonsensical dancing metaphor here, people!), Flareon never caught any attention whatsoever. He just never got off that wall. Always was he just standing there, nibbling the lemon that came with his virgin gin and tonic, and waiting for the ice to melt. But then, all of a sudden, the song changed. After song after song of watching everyone else dancing away, Flareon put down his drink, strode confidently into the center of the dance floor, and HE USED THE MOVE.

But no one was watching Flareon, because his big brother Entei (who was usually equally as quiet and awkward as his sibling, but was prone to strutting the move when shiny (read: when drunk)) had spontaneously learned how to do a standing triple somersault and was doing so while yelling "HAHA SCREW YOU FLAREON, SCREW YOU!"

If that convoluted metaphor left you all confused: FLAREon got the move that no one understood why he hadn't received the previous two generations, FLARE Blitz. Finally, it has a powerful, physical STAB move to use! The one that it shares most of its name with! Hoorah! And then everyone suddenly realized that between Flareon's low Speed, pitiful HP, and the recoil, Flare Blitz actually didn't make it that much better. And everyone forgot about it. Again.

Entei had been in a similar situation through most of Generation IV, but an event distribution gave away shiny Entei with Flare Blitz and ExtremeSpeed, meaning that it was at least possible to obtain an Entei with a good STAB move. Then someone found an Entei having Sacred Fire (aka Ho-Oh's signature move, the 100 Base Power physical one with a 50% burn chance) in the Battle Maison. And then PokeBank came out and Sacred Fire was in Entei's level-up movepool. So Entei just got way better than Flareon. Yet again.

So for the rest of the generation, Flareon will be hearing the harrowing yells of "Screw you, Flareon, Screw you!"

Kricketune: Serial Assassin

You stroll lazily down a Parisian alley way on a chilly, misty evening. You toss a euro to the tramp slumped against the wall. He looks like he's on his last legs; it's the least you can do. Suddenly, a sound drowns out the noise of your footsteps echoing against the cobbles, a piercing shrill sound that tears through the serene evening air, destroying the haze of tranquility you were in.

DEEEEELEEEWHOOOP.

The unmistakable cry of the violin assassin is followed shortly by the gut-wrenching sound of pierced flesh, and the scream emitted by a throat ripped by years of whiskey and hard drugs. Your eyes widen in panic, the fog of your deep breathing mingles with the mist surrounding you. You can't see him. You can't smell him. All you can hope for is that you'll hear him before you feel him pierce your heart.

You begin to run, but you cannot escape! You wildly swipe at the air, in the hopes of warding off the unseen assailant, for you know that he will try to end your life next. Sadly, the universe uses turn-based combat; and you, quite frankly, missed. From the rooftops leaps the shadowed form of Kricketune, its majestic bladed arms held crossed in the air...

...and the night becomes tranquil once more.

You fell victim to Fell Stinger. A rather interesting attack, one that increases the user's own attack by two stages if the user faints an opponent with it. Sadly, its distribution is somewhat limited, and about half of that pool isn't exactly built as physical sweepers (you know, like Kricketune!). To compound its woes, this new move has a rather measly 30 Base Power. So the only time a Pokémon will be KOing something with it is finishing off something that held on with a Focus Sash, or those lucky moments when the target was left alive with a sliver of health.

At least Fell Stinger can't be Taunted... right?

Farfetch'd: Crits happen, then you die

Farfetch'd is amazing. The Salad Samurai who rules the sky! Yeah! Farfetch'd! No idea what correlation its name has to its design, but it has got a leek! Yeah! Or is it a spring onion?

Point is, Farfetch'd is terrible. It's intentionally terrible. Its entire design is based on some Japanese proverb warning against things being too good to be true. "Thus the trading of a weak Spearow for the rare and more powerful Farfetch'd..." which is then completely outclassed by Fearow. See? Completely funny... if you got the joke.

Annoyingly, Farfetch'd remained a firm fan-favorite due to its determined expression and innovative use of flimsy greenery. So Game Freak gave it a signature item in the form of the Stick (no idea whether this is meant to be stewed or put in a salad here Game Freak! Come on! Drop a hint already!). Sharing an effect with Chansey's Lucky Punch signature item, Stick boosts Farfetch'd's Critical Hit ratio to... 25%? Yaaay? Maybe?

But it gets better! If Farfetch'd uses Slash while holding the Stick, it goes up to 50%! Yaaay! Yay, right? Yeah, still terrible. Oh, what's that? Increased critical hit ratio moves got nerfed a stage in gen IV? Leaving it at 33% chance to crit? Man, Game Freak is DETERMINED to keep this thing bad.

Well, NO MORE! The revenge of the Eyebrowed Salad Samurai is here! For with a rejig of the critical hit mechanics, Farfetch'd holding a Stick using a increased critical hit-ratio move will crit 100% of the time! With a mighty arsenal of Slash, Night Slash, and Leaf Blade, it fears no wall! Its mighty eyebrows acting as a visor to see the true weaknesses of its nefarious opponents, the Onion Avenger leaps into action, landing deadly blows and spreading the ideals of true nutrition! BANKAI!

Finally, it can overcome its shoddy stats with the power of DOUBLE POWER STAT CHANGE IGNORING SLASHY MOV-

Whats that? Critical hits got nerfed to 1.5x?

Oh, Game Freak, you giveth and then you taketh away...

Vanilluxe: The ice cream man cometh

It's a hot summer day, and you decide to go purchase an ice cream from a man traveling around in a van whose primary target demographic is young children. Yet, for some reason, you trust said vendor not to put liberal amounts of intoxicants in the sprinkles. A quirk of human psychology, I suppose. As you hold your freshly dispensed dairy goodness in your hand, while reaching for change from the other pocket, you quietly mutter about how "the day the 99 went over a pound was the day this country started going to the Herdiers," and you hear a sound. A chilling sound, the sound of shattering ice. The cry of the Vanilluxe.

You drop everything and make a mad dash for the trees, but Ice is super effective against Grass, you utter numbskull. More congregate around you, a horde battle! You dodge blasts of Blizzards and Ice Beams (the small concentrated beams somehow being more accurate than the nebulous blizzards), thanking Arceus that you covered yourself in glitter before leaving the house this morning (thanking Mew? What do you think you are, some kind of atheist?). After a mad dash, in which hax kept you dodging attack-after-attack, you finally jump into the safety of the pond. Finally those sub-zero bullets can't hurt you here!

And then you froze to death. Not because the pond froze over you, but because of Vanilluxe's latest move: Freeze Dry!

It shares this new move with quite a few Pokémon, but a floating, two-headed, prozac popping sentient ice-pile is somehow more terrifying to the writer of this article than, say, an ancient mammoth and a dinosaur. For the uninformed, Freeze Dry is a 70 Base Power attack that deals super effective damage against Water-type Pokémon, as well as having a chance to freeze. So take THAT, Ludicolo! Your rain of joyous Mexican terror is no more! Wipe that smug look off your beak and FEAR MY SNOWFLAKE ARMY.

Swalot: Purple is entirely different than Pink

Your fridge isn't safe. The corner shop isn't safe. The pub down the road isn't safe. Your favorite all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant isn't safe. The half-eaten burger that someone left on the street corner isn't safe. Why?

Because Swalot is in town.

With a mouth that seemingly defies our understanding of physics and any sort of skeletal-muscular system in existence, Swalot is the all-consumer, the eater of worlds, greed and lust incarnate, the terrifying purple cthulu of the Pokémon world, the abyss into which even death dares not look. AND WHEN YOU GAZE INTO THE ABYSS, THE ABYSS ALSO GAZES INTO YOU.

So... what happens when from the endless cavity that is Swalot emerges a horror so unspeakable, that few have returned to speak of it? You get Belched. Belch is a 120 Base Power, 90% accurate special Poison-type move, given to Poison-types and... a bunch of other things.

Like a lot of high-powered moves, Belch has a drawback. To activate Belch, the user must eat a Berry... but it doesn't go away once the Pokémon switches out. Once the user has eaten that Berry, it can go through the entire battle using this powerhouse 120 Base Power move! Fairies rot as the sentient gas cloud corrupts their frail, ethereal bodies! Grassland withers and becomes a bog! That's it, really; Poison is a terrible attacking type.

Moral of the story: Swalot will eat you and then ruin your perfectly tended-to lawn. Just to spite you.

NOW BOW, MORTAL.

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