This is a copy of a thread I made on another forum... attn mods this is not an I am leaving thread this is more what you would call a plea for help. I'm not trying to ugh, I know this thread is an attention seeker and I don't even know if I should post this, infract my ass if you like.
I don't know how long this rant is going to be, but it won't be three lines, I can promise you guys that. If you don't feel like reading the whole thing, skip the parts you're not interested in or something.
For a first, there's a nagging and growing fear and anxiety in me that I can't explain. Everytime I hear something, like a door slamming or the wind rustling, or watch something move like my hair or a bug, I instantly get paranoid and freaked out. Every time someone comes stomping up the stairs, I shudder. Every sudden movement just... freaks me out these days. Sometimes it just feels like I'm hearing things that aren't there. I know they aren't, and it just turns out to be the wind, but it's very freaky, and... ><;
For a second, I'm having huge (and I mean huge) trouble focusing on anything at all. One of my qualities used to be a certain enthusiasm, a fire, a passion for things that I love to do. You know, a drive, a desire, a flame burning in your heart...Over the years this has become less and less. Every day I grew more complacent, and it still goes on. I started not doing things I used to do, like homework. I became more and more apathetic. I'd fall asleep at 8 PM and wake up at 1 AM with my clothes on, looking at the time and just being scared overall. I got into rows with my parents because my grades were way below my standards and what everyone knows I am capable of (which is, without trying to sound arrogant, a lot more than most people can dream of when it comes to academics.) My grades in high school went more and more downhill. I think I posted a topic about that on the IF forums, I think I then mentioned what I was going to do after high school.
Well, as you guys know I managed to enroll in university and I'm now a chemistry student. But it seems like the complacency that crept in my behaviour long ago, like a seed being planted, is sprouting a huge tree inside my mind, dominating everything else and pushing away the last stretches of will from my mind to do anything at all. I spend days wasting away doing absolutely nothing (and when I say nothing, I mean nothing; I just stare blankly at the walls for hours. Or at this screen.) I don't do anything for school anymore unless it's group work and I am actually forced to. I am failing classes I know I can pass easily, I am skipping classes that I shouldn't skip, in short I am underachieving like a total retard. It's getting worse and worse to the point where it just stings, and even though I know I have to change, there isn't any will to change anymore.
And there we get to the next point; that lack of motivation and desire. As I mentioned, nothing kindles my heart anymore. I feigned a will to study chemistry, just so I could get into university and get a job and avoid work and menial labour (absolutely my weak spot.) However, my will and interest are failing and I am considering quitting; however it bothers me that I have nowhere else to turn. I have no drive for other academic subjects either; everything I try to study seems to become void of substance and matter after a month, everything that is full turns out to be empty, like the world is an Escherian illusion in which nothing is what it seems anymore. The same blank stares I give to my surroundings is what they are giving back to me. Everything is dulling down to a white and black movie, all the sound is fading and the motion is slowing down and freezing and I just can't wait for it to stop so I don't have to feel anything anymore. There is a critical emptiness inside of me that keeps pulling at me with all the strings and drawing me back and sucking me into a void of apathy and loneliness.
And then there is my social life, which, apart from a few highlights, is degenerating into nothing again. Whereas I used to be enthusiastic, talkative and overall generally joyous in conversation and when going out (which I rarely do but anyway), I could participate a lot more actively in discussion. Yeah, I always was an odd one out, but that used to hinder me a lot less. Lately, however, I've been going out less and less and becoming more and more reclusive and just locking myself away up here or in my room; my parents are in Belgium right now, far away, knowing that I am misusing my time alone to deconstruct my mind and destroy the last remnants of my torrid personality. When I go out, my friends accuse me of looking like a corpse. I stare void into the rest of the pub, and trying to make contact with people I used to hold so dear seems to be an impossible and daunting task which is becoming unbearable to face. Everything I do is becoming inorganic, void of passion and breath, and what used to start out as mere boredom has now spiraled downward into clinical apathy and anxiety that is just killing me.
And I don't just feel socially anxious. Thoughts have been cropping up lately in my mind that just do not belong in my head. They used to start out as minor background noise whenever I had a bad day or was in a less interesting mood. But the thoughts dominate my mind these days. Every day I keep telling myself how I'm becoming less and less of a good person each day. How I keep believing I'm a horrid freak. How I simply can't understand why anyone would hang out with me because I am a corpse anyway. I have become so segregated, so alone, that being with people just plain irritates me. It's like I'm misplaced everywhere I go, I don't want to be alone, but I can't be with anyone else because I will always feel inferior and small. It's just becoming overwhelming and the constant blows that philosphy is dealing to my mind is seeping out in my behaviour. I sleep less, my eating pattern is becoming erratic, I am generally irritated and annoyed when people ask me questions that I feel they can just use their brains to answer, I just act like a total prick without reason.
And the worst thing of all is, I have no reason to feel like this. None of my direct family or friends have died (except my best mate's dad; but I wasn't *THAT* close to the man), none of them are injured, and except the friend I mentioned, everyone seems to be just fine... I feel totally murderous and suicidal when I have no reason at all to consider myself inferior, yet I keep telling myself that I am; which in turn disgusts me with myself and I spiral down into another deep vicious circle of thoughts that rapture my mind and tear my brain into two. I feel hopeless and alone. I seek to atone, but I know no ways of redemption anymore. How do I forgive myself, how do I make this change. I am running out of time and ways of getting out of this rut and my will to resist is fading.
What do I do now, where do I go, and will anyone help me?
Please hear my call.
I don't know how long this rant is going to be, but it won't be three lines, I can promise you guys that. If you don't feel like reading the whole thing, skip the parts you're not interested in or something.
For a first, there's a nagging and growing fear and anxiety in me that I can't explain. Everytime I hear something, like a door slamming or the wind rustling, or watch something move like my hair or a bug, I instantly get paranoid and freaked out. Every time someone comes stomping up the stairs, I shudder. Every sudden movement just... freaks me out these days. Sometimes it just feels like I'm hearing things that aren't there. I know they aren't, and it just turns out to be the wind, but it's very freaky, and... ><;
For a second, I'm having huge (and I mean huge) trouble focusing on anything at all. One of my qualities used to be a certain enthusiasm, a fire, a passion for things that I love to do. You know, a drive, a desire, a flame burning in your heart...Over the years this has become less and less. Every day I grew more complacent, and it still goes on. I started not doing things I used to do, like homework. I became more and more apathetic. I'd fall asleep at 8 PM and wake up at 1 AM with my clothes on, looking at the time and just being scared overall. I got into rows with my parents because my grades were way below my standards and what everyone knows I am capable of (which is, without trying to sound arrogant, a lot more than most people can dream of when it comes to academics.) My grades in high school went more and more downhill. I think I posted a topic about that on the IF forums, I think I then mentioned what I was going to do after high school.
Well, as you guys know I managed to enroll in university and I'm now a chemistry student. But it seems like the complacency that crept in my behaviour long ago, like a seed being planted, is sprouting a huge tree inside my mind, dominating everything else and pushing away the last stretches of will from my mind to do anything at all. I spend days wasting away doing absolutely nothing (and when I say nothing, I mean nothing; I just stare blankly at the walls for hours. Or at this screen.) I don't do anything for school anymore unless it's group work and I am actually forced to. I am failing classes I know I can pass easily, I am skipping classes that I shouldn't skip, in short I am underachieving like a total retard. It's getting worse and worse to the point where it just stings, and even though I know I have to change, there isn't any will to change anymore.
And there we get to the next point; that lack of motivation and desire. As I mentioned, nothing kindles my heart anymore. I feigned a will to study chemistry, just so I could get into university and get a job and avoid work and menial labour (absolutely my weak spot.) However, my will and interest are failing and I am considering quitting; however it bothers me that I have nowhere else to turn. I have no drive for other academic subjects either; everything I try to study seems to become void of substance and matter after a month, everything that is full turns out to be empty, like the world is an Escherian illusion in which nothing is what it seems anymore. The same blank stares I give to my surroundings is what they are giving back to me. Everything is dulling down to a white and black movie, all the sound is fading and the motion is slowing down and freezing and I just can't wait for it to stop so I don't have to feel anything anymore. There is a critical emptiness inside of me that keeps pulling at me with all the strings and drawing me back and sucking me into a void of apathy and loneliness.
And then there is my social life, which, apart from a few highlights, is degenerating into nothing again. Whereas I used to be enthusiastic, talkative and overall generally joyous in conversation and when going out (which I rarely do but anyway), I could participate a lot more actively in discussion. Yeah, I always was an odd one out, but that used to hinder me a lot less. Lately, however, I've been going out less and less and becoming more and more reclusive and just locking myself away up here or in my room; my parents are in Belgium right now, far away, knowing that I am misusing my time alone to deconstruct my mind and destroy the last remnants of my torrid personality. When I go out, my friends accuse me of looking like a corpse. I stare void into the rest of the pub, and trying to make contact with people I used to hold so dear seems to be an impossible and daunting task which is becoming unbearable to face. Everything I do is becoming inorganic, void of passion and breath, and what used to start out as mere boredom has now spiraled downward into clinical apathy and anxiety that is just killing me.
And I don't just feel socially anxious. Thoughts have been cropping up lately in my mind that just do not belong in my head. They used to start out as minor background noise whenever I had a bad day or was in a less interesting mood. But the thoughts dominate my mind these days. Every day I keep telling myself how I'm becoming less and less of a good person each day. How I keep believing I'm a horrid freak. How I simply can't understand why anyone would hang out with me because I am a corpse anyway. I have become so segregated, so alone, that being with people just plain irritates me. It's like I'm misplaced everywhere I go, I don't want to be alone, but I can't be with anyone else because I will always feel inferior and small. It's just becoming overwhelming and the constant blows that philosphy is dealing to my mind is seeping out in my behaviour. I sleep less, my eating pattern is becoming erratic, I am generally irritated and annoyed when people ask me questions that I feel they can just use their brains to answer, I just act like a total prick without reason.
And the worst thing of all is, I have no reason to feel like this. None of my direct family or friends have died (except my best mate's dad; but I wasn't *THAT* close to the man), none of them are injured, and except the friend I mentioned, everyone seems to be just fine... I feel totally murderous and suicidal when I have no reason at all to consider myself inferior, yet I keep telling myself that I am; which in turn disgusts me with myself and I spiral down into another deep vicious circle of thoughts that rapture my mind and tear my brain into two. I feel hopeless and alone. I seek to atone, but I know no ways of redemption anymore. How do I forgive myself, how do I make this change. I am running out of time and ways of getting out of this rut and my will to resist is fading.
What do I do now, where do I go, and will anyone help me?
Please hear my call.
