Social Online Dating

McGrrr

McGrrr

Facetious
is a Contributor Alumnus
Serious? Sort of serious. Let's talk.

It's fine to laugh about online dating, because there are so many things that are absurd about the experience. What is stupid, however, is the associated social stigma. Times are changing, but for many people the subject remains something to be ridiculed. There's a common perception that if you need to date online, you're unable to meet someone offline, and this somehow makes you less of a person. While the first half is certainly true to an extent, the last part is bullshit. The fact of the matter is that people live busy lives, and meeting single like-minded individuals in the real world is difficult. Online dating therefore offers a pragmatic, albeit flawed, solution.

Personally, I've never enjoyed dating. It feels so contrived, but to me, it's a necessary evil. Earlier this year, I moved to a new city and created an OkCupid profile. I've also dabbled with other sites. I did my homework before starting out, but I've also learned an awful lot during the past seven months. Those of you that know me will know that I'm very methodical and attentive to detail, so I think I'm in a position to offer some useful insight. I'm also a moderator now on OkCupid, but it's really not that interesting.

The goal of this thread is to have an open discussion about online dating, dispel some myths, share stories, and offer advice for the curious and/or unsuccessful. Feel free to ask questions.
 
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Do the ladies swoon now that you're a mod, vice versa, or is there no way for one to know by viewing your profile?

What's your usual ice breaker message? When I created an account for the OkCupid thread in firebot I got some really cringe worthy openers. They felt like something you would see at #1 on a buzzfeed article.

Have any women (or men) ever made the first move on you, or do the usual gender roles play a pretty big part of e-dating?

I just want to clarify that I am 100% serious about these questions and genuinely want to hear some answers.
 
Back when I was at the army, i dabbled a lot in online dating. I'd just moved to Germany and apart from my cousins didn't really know anyone besides my colleagues, and trust me, the girls I did my basic training with weren't easy on the eye. I made a lot of cool friends there, but when it came to girls I felt really awkward (never having been much of a womanizer at school). I then kind of got hooked on online dating, downloading two different apps on my phone, and going on a different website when I had computer access. I was really naive back then, and fell for a LOT of fakes (when I look back it was actually pretty embaressing). I did end of meeting up with three real girls in total though (one was pretty much a slut and not that bright, and the other two were obviously desperate for a boyfriend and had photoshopped their profile pictures pretty extensively. Needless to say, I didn't really have anything more to do with them after those single encounters (in which I was too disappointed and awkward to actually do anything). When I got transferred to Munich I regularly texted with a girl from Bolivia who was there as an au pair (I met her via one of my apps) and we ended up meeting quite often actually, but both realized we were just quite happy to stay friends. She's now moved back home, and we've gradually lost contact. Now that I think about it, I have friendzoned girls pretty often, especially while I was at school, and even a couple since I moved to my current location where I go to university. Pretty much all of these I met over Facebook social groups for freshmen, whether they wanted to practise their english with me, or study maths together. Typing this out made me realize that I have pretty damn high standards when it comes to girls, they need to fulfill all of being smart, funny and good looking.

I've been lucky though recently. I'm eight months into a relationship with a girl I met who really fulfilled all of those categories, and again I came to know her via Facebook, in that she wanted to practise her english with me. I realized that I don't think much of online dating myself, as it's never worked out for me and girls I've met online have proven (obviously only in my own, personal experience) to be a letdown when I meet them irl. I think these online dating websites (or Facebook social groups for uni :P) are a good way to just make friends, and are very helpful when you're new to a place and don't know anybody, but if I don't regularly see someone I'm talking to I lose interest in them. That's just me though, and a flaw I know I need to work on.
 
I guess it's just not easy for everyone to find a date offline.
I've seen very nice, intelligent AND wealthy people who can't find a girl to be with.

My concerns with online dating is - how do you know that the person isn't telling lies or acting as someone else?
I guess if you meet online, there are a lot of things you can mask/ hide, compared with offline.
 
Imma link to a thread I read on reddit a while ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromo..._guy_i_wanted_to_know_what_it_was_like_to_be/

The thread is basically a guy's experience as posing as a girl on a social dating website. He posted a profile using a friend's picture (using permission from her). The end result is actually kind of disturbing. The thing with this that I kinda came out from online dating is that a lot of the time, it isn't as safe as, say, going out to a bar and seeing them face to face. I read during a class that a lot of the time, some men use dating websites as a quick way to have a one-night stand.

Now I would be ignorant to say this happened all of the time. There is a couple I know that have been going out for quite a long time that met on match, or something along those lines. I find that if you are going to date over the internet, meeting over facebook or some other website where you can actually meet and talk before setting up a date (and while having good background checks) can be more rewarding than signing up for dating sites. But ehh, to each his own. If dating medias work for you, I wish you the best of luck. But I would stay away from that due to some things I have read and seen.
 
Faint said:
Do the ladies swoon now that you're a mod, vice versa, or is there no way for one to know by viewing your profile?

What's your usual ice breaker message? When I created an account for the OkCupid thread in firebot I got some really cringe worthy openers. They felt like something you would see at #1 on a buzzfeed article.

Have any women (or men) ever made the first move on you, or do the usual gender roles play a pretty big part of e-dating?

I just want to clarify that I am 100% serious about these questions and genuinely want to hear some answers.
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  1. Hah. My moderator status is invisible, and it's really not much of a status. It's a talking point sometimes because people are naturally curious. The standard violations are 70% photos not the user, 20% extreme close ups, 5% nudity, 5% misc.
  2. I don't have a "usual ice breaker". Anyone using such ploys is going to have a bad time, unless they're ridiculously attractive. Generally, you're advised to write a short, witty message that makes reference to the recipient's profile (i.e. demonstrate that you read it), and include a non yes/no question to make it easy to reply. I seldom send anything more than 5 lines.
  3. I've received a handful of first messages from women, but it's a small pond where I live. I'm rarely interested, and their messages tend to be trite; I've only replied to one, and we had a mediocre first date. There's also a gay dude from San Francisco who visits a lot for some reason. Gender roles are definitely pronounced.
 
jynx said:
My concerns with online dating is - how do you know that the person isn't telling lies or acting as someone else?
I guess if you meet online, there are a lot of things you can mask/ hide, compared with offline.
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There are few certainties until you meet, and even then you can't be sure about details, but that's true everywhere. Photos can be reverse image searched, but that brings up ethical questions (no big deal IMO), and those stolen from e.g. Facebook won't show up on GIS. It's advised that you try to meet relatively quickly, and don't get emotionally attached until after you do!
 
BetaHousing said:
Imma link to a thread I read on reddit a while ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromo..._guy_i_wanted_to_know_what_it_was_like_to_be/

The thread is basically a guy's experience as posing as a girl on a social dating website. He posted a profile using a friend's picture (using permission from her). The end result is actually kind of disturbing. The thing with this that I kinda came out from online dating is that a lot of the time, it isn't as safe as, say, going out to a bar and seeing them face to face. I read during a class that a lot of the time, some men use dating websites as a quick way to have a one-night stand.

Now I would be ignorant to say this happened all of the time. There is a couple I know that have been going out for quite a long time that met on match, or something along those lines. I find that if you are going to date over the internet, meeting over facebook or some other website where you can actually meet and talk before setting up a date (and while having good background checks) can be more rewarding than signing up for dating sites. But ehh, to each his own. If dating medias work for you, I wish you the best of luck. But I would stay away from that due to some things I have read and seen.
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These such "experiments" are posted a lot, and they paint a very skewed picture:
  • The first few days for the averagely attractive (or better) women are crazy. The search can be filtered for new users, and there's certainly a group of men who try to message someone first - when they're still naive and not jaded. Since these experiments always focus on the initial sign up, this is horribly biased, because the inflow slows down significantly after a couple of weeks. That said, women will receive a constant stream of new suitors that will range exponentially in number by how attractive they are.
  • To be frank, women's profiles are generally shitty, generic, and mostly interchangeable. The fact that that user pasted his ready made male profile guaranteed that it would stand out. Fuck, a new female user who's attractive with a non-shitty profile?! It sounds too good to be true, and of course in this case, it was. The learning curve to create a good profile is a steep one.
There's a lot more to this, but as you can already see, his "experiment" is far from scientifically robust.
 
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Online dating is very hit and miss imo. I have a friend that's been with her bf for a year since they met on POF, other friends who just messed around a little and than made some friends off of it, and others who have horror stories. I think it's all luck and who you meet.

Personally, I used online dating to mess around (and not in the fucking sense, but in the trolling sense), and it was quite fun and entertaining. There were only a few guys I actually considered meeting (which I did), but none of them ever grew into something.

Imo gay online dating is 10x worse. Super fun to troll, super frustrating if you actually care to to use it to actually find something meaningful.
 
No experience and don't plan on dabbling in it, but I hear online dating is the worst because, for some reason, on the internet, people are way more picky than in real life. A lot of "don't bother messaging if you're not 6'3 super model swimming in cash" (I'm exaggerating of course)

Would you guys say that's about right or is it just bitter people posting shit?
 
Twisted Kneebar said:
Would you guys say that's about right or is it just bitter people posting shit?
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People who shout their opinions are self-selecting. Generally, they were either successful (and want everyone to know) or they were unsuccessful (and want everyone to know, while blaming the system). Given that there are many more of the latter than the former, you're going to hear much more negative feedback. To be frank, I think the primary reason that people are unsuccessful is because they want more than they have to offer (which is natural).

Yes, people are overly picky (and I'm as guilty as the next person); online dating turns everyone into commodities, and it's all too easy to ignore someone for something shinier. However, that's the price of admission, the cost of convenience. Your experience will depend a lot on your attitude and expectations. It's far healthier to not get overly invested, and you shouldn't associate your self-worth with online "success" or lack thereof.

I heard the same bad luck stories as you before taking the plunge, but I kept an open mind and had zero expectations. I was curious as much as anything else. So far, I've been pleasantly surprised. The rules of the game are simple:

1. Be attractive
2. Don't be unattractive

This is of course somewhat facetious, but all it really means is that you should present yourself in the most favourable light possible, and let the chips fall where they may. That means dressing well in interesting photos, expressing yourself coherently, putting your personality on a page, avoiding cliches, and omitting stuff that could be misinterpreted. All of this is easier said that done, but it's not supposed to be easy, right? And you might become more self-aware for it.
 
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McGrrr said:
People who shout their opinions are self-selecting. Generally, they were either successful (and want everyone to know) or they were unsuccessful (and want everyone to know, while blaming the system). Given that there are many more of the latter than the former, you're going to hear much more negative feedback. To be frank, I think the primary reason that people are unsuccessful is because they want more than they have to offer (which is natural).

Yes, people are overly picky (and I'm as guilty as the next person); online dating turns everyone into commodities, and it's all too easy to ignore someone for something shinier. However, that's the price of admission, the cost of convenience. Your experience will depend a lot on your attitude and expectations. It's far healthier to not get overly invested, and you shouldn't associate your self-worth with online "success" or lack thereof.

I heard the same bad luck stories as you before taking the plunge, but I kept an open mind and had zero expectations. I was curious as much as anything else. So far, I've been pleasantly surprised. The rules of the game are simple:

1. Be attractive
2. Don't be unattractive

This is of course somewhat facetious, but all it really means is that you should present yourself in the most favourable light possible, and let the chips fall where they may. That means dressing well in interesting photos, expressing yourself coherently, putting your personality on a page, avoiding cliches, and omitting stuff that could be misinterpreted. All of this is easier said that done, but it's not supposed to be easy, right? And you might become more self-aware for it.
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True that. One of the main criticisms I hear of online dating is "everyone judges you by your looks." Let's be real here...if you want to approach someone at a bar or something you're doing it because you think they're attractive. Online dating is no different. If you're attractive people will be more inclined to message you. You have to post the best possible pictures of yourself, not that one pic your friend took while you were passed out in your own vomit.

Although that will only get you so far, at least if you're not only looking for a one night stand. If you cant carry a conversation or you look like you hate life in your pictures, people will be put off. Also guys should seriously stop taking shirtless pictures of themselves in the bathroom with their cell phone. That's a deal breaker for me. Ya I'm a dick.

Although, I just want to say again how spot on McGrrr is with his statement "they want more than they have to offer." I loved that so much. Oh so true. Most gay guys train of thought: "I want a boyfriend. I want a guy that no one knows is gay. He has to be manly, with blue eyes. He needs to have 6% body fat with an awesome job, look like a model, and wait on me hand on foot." Most people do this though. I guess it's just human nature.
 
Ohioisonfire said:
I've done a bit of online dating (recently, actually.) He lived in Canada while I lived in Florida. It's a LOT different than dating in person. It's almost kinda sad how you never get to see them. Even though you Skype and stuff, you're missing a lot when you don't get to talk to them face to face. You really miss the ability to hug them and kiss them and such. It might not seem like it but it really adds a lot to a relationship.
And this is just my opinion, but aren't looks just over-rated? I don't really care if they look good. If you're nice to me I'm going to be nice back. Looks don't matter, especially when you won't be seen with them if they're that far away.
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The point of websites like OKC and PoF is to allow you to actually meet the person you are speaking with, you know, go on a date with them. It's different from long distance online relationships. I'm sure you can find those on there too, but the selling point of those aforementioned sites is to find people locally.
 
To be truly honest, most of my girlfriends (6 so far) I got through facebook, it works really well for people who aren't that confident in real life, I never really bothered with dating sites, most of the users on their are male.
 
I've been considering it, for me as an accountant (limited social life there already) and as Pokemon player on the vgc side, just finding time to date, let alone finding someone I find attractive is hard. I dunno, maybe for my generation online dating could lead to something.
 
I see online dating as a viable option, but only to a small extent.

For example, you will see on services such as Miiverse, people will be Boyfriend and Girlfriend in less than a minute after dating.
I find this unacceptable and an illegitimate form of dating. That isn't dating. That's known as being a *****.

However, if two people legitimately feel a connection, and are unable to make contact in the real world, then it is acceptable.
 
DoctorGamma said:
I see online dating as a viable option, but only to a small extent.

For example, you will see on services such as Miiverse, people will be Boyfriend and Girlfriend in less than a minute after dating.
I find this unacceptable and an illegitimate form of dating. That isn't dating. That's known as being a *****.

However, if two people legitimately feel a connection, and are unable to make contact in the real world, then it is acceptable.
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Yea, lets impose our own narrow definition on relationships and assume that it is the one true definition that must be followed and anyone who dares to try and do things outside of said definition is wrong or less legitimate!

Seriously, how do you know that said people don't feel a legitimate connection towards each other after a short amount of time? What is so wrong about doing this? Is there some arbitrary time that you have to be dating someone before you can be considered to be in a relationship with the other that I don't know about? Just because you don't get it doesn't make it a worse decision.
 
Honestly, I really would never date someone online through a dating site. I've never tried them mind you but who hasn't heard the same stories again and again. I'd be less cynical towards dating someone that you meet through similar interests online (hit me up smogon qts ;o ) but still find it less real than dating someone irl. Putting a lot of blind trust in someone you don't necessarily actually know is not something I want to do specifically.

Regarding the whole looks thing, relationships based mostly on looks are gonna have problems down the line when ya get them wrinkles.
 
I've dabbled myself in online dating and a majority of those you see who frequent the internet not just using facebook, and other garbage social media are more than okay with it and have had experiences there self when it comes to this topic. I'll give a brief description of my last relationship. I dated this chick from Cali, while I live in south Florida. I kept saving and saving and saving to go see her, and finally had the amount to go see her but due to the fact that the distance causes very unneeded friction. The constant fighting cause our relationship to plummet at an extreme accelerated rate. Long story short, shit hit the fan and it was over before you know it. Wasting a year and something of my life that I put into this girl.

But rather than getting extremely off topic what you're saying is more than true. It is hard to find someone that is like minded around you. When to be quite honest our generation lives on the interwebz. There is so much that we have to do online we are always attached to our electronics. I can't legit tell you the last time I've sat down and had a conversation with someone without them checking there phone every other minute. Whether it be twitter or some form of social media or text. I can say that I never have went through one of these trash dating sites, the chicks online that I've usually had relations with were either met through a forum or something of the sorts where it just sorta happens.

I will say that not everyone you meet online is who they say they are, but a majority of those who date online confirm shit before truly getting involved. To avoid being on the next episode of catfish. But in my personal opinion online dating is an amazing thing just think about it. In a world where no one knows what one on one conversation is anymore how are you meant to find someone. Everyone around me that is somewhat interesting is either a shitty person or just to damn busy for a relationship. Which you've stated, but I will agree that the wait of being in a long distance relationship is more than worth the wait. The relationship is so much more stronger than shit you typically stumble into while in school, or at work or something. Cause you are legit giving that person your everything.

Okay, I'm done ranting.
 
Berserker Lord said:
Yea, lets impose our own narrow definition on relationships and assume that it is the one true definition that must be followed and anyone who dares to try and do things outside of said definition is wrong or less legitimate!

Seriously, how do you know that said people don't feel a legitimate connection towards each other after a short amount of time? What is so wrong about doing this? Is there some arbitrary time that you have to be dating someone before you can be considered to be in a relationship with the other that I don't know about? Just because you don't get it doesn't make it a worse decision.
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I'm literally talking about the people that go onto Miiverse, make a post saying "Hey, does anyone want to be my gf?", then claim they love the first person to say sure. I'm not sayingthat there is a certain amount of time or that people can't like eachother with online relationships. Read plz.
 
Online dating is a beautiful thing.

Hell, anything that fosters earnest communication and gets people to genuinely talk throwing away facades is a good thing in my book.

Yes there are also dangers-- but the same that exist in all human relations. Online Dating accelerates what is for many is agonizing process. To me it wouldn't be a surprise if half of marriages come from the net in my daughter's generation, and that would be a beautiful thing.

Never done it, but it's done great things for some of my relatives and friends, which means it's enriched my life and relationships as well indirectly.
 
I've done it for years, and trust me, it ain't what it used to be. Back when I started in... 2011ish, you could have normal conversations with women on there (OkCupid for me) quite regularly. Nowadays, it's nearly impossible to strike up a good conversation because most women's inboxes are flooded with messages from creeps that are just saying dirty things or propositioning for sex. I can't tell you how many times I've chatted a little bit with someone, only to have her say abruptly "Hey, I'm getting too many creepy messages so I'm quitting." It's all part and parcel with the overall rape culture, and it's fucked.
 
DM said:
I've done it for years, and trust me, it ain't what it used to be. Back when I started in... 2011ish, you could have normal conversations with women on there (OkCupid for me) quite regularly. Nowadays, it's nearly impossible to strike up a good conversation because most women's inboxes are flooded with messages from creeps that are just saying dirty things or propositioning for sex. I can't tell you how many times I've chatted a little bit with someone, only to have her say abruptly "Hey, I'm getting too many creepy messages so I'm quitting." It's all part and parcel with the overall rape culture, and it's fucked.
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All in all man. Creepers are gonna creep and they have found the internet. Shit's retarded now-a-days when it comes to dating in general anymore. It's lost it's feeling.
 
Online dating is the best option for shy people. But if you want to date online, you should choose appropriate and reliable website e.g. rbrides and create a good profile with nice photos of you. And everything will be fine, I used such a method and it worked for me ;)
 
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