ITT I am a Waiter at the Best Restaurant in Town and You are a Paying(?) Customer

Albatross

Albatross

Loosely Resembling Some Variety Of Bird
is a Top Artistis a Community Contributor
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Hello there sir/madam/etc, sorry to keep you waiting. Welcome to the best restaurant on this side of Smogoff, the First Post.
I'm Albatross and I'll be your waitress for tonight- what's that? Why am I a waitress if I'm using a waiter's image? Well that's because all the transparent waitress pictures were at a weird angle, sir/madam/etc, and it was hard to photoshop my head into them.

But that's enough dawdling; come, let me show you to your seat.

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My apologies for the long walk, this place can be quite the maze sometimes. But while we're wandering aimlessly around looking for somewhere to dump you, let me recount some of the First Post's long and colourful history. While the act of first posting is not exclusive to Smogoff by any stretch of the imagination, Smogoff user mf was the first to truly break new grounds by creating a post dedicated to educating other users on the act of first posting. I'd talk more about it but I already know an estimated 4 comedians are going to comment first now specifically because I've been talking about it for so, and now that I've said 4 comedians will post first it's basically written in stone that it'll happen, and I keep going on about it so even more comedians are going to come crawling out from the cracks in the woodwork, but I can't think of a reasonable way to end this dialogue, unless I just end it right now, but that's anticlimatic and


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Yes, just over here, if you'd kindly take your seat. We saved the best seat in the house just for you, our most esteemed poster. The menu is to your right and the wine menu is on your left. We take great pride in our work, and I hope we can give you a truly unforgettable experience.

If I might be so bold, sir/madam/etc, then I would like to recommend the Pog Champ special; I'll throw a dart at a spinning wheel of options, and whatever it lands on will be your meal. No take backsies, unless you slip me a fiver under the table of course. I get paid in peanuts here, and I don't even like nuts. Tips for my performance are also highly appreciated, of course, because of the aforementioned peanuts. Since you are such a high profile customer as well, I can ask our live band to perform any smash hit you'd like, such as Wonderwall.

Now then, are you ready to order? What can I get for you, esteemed Smogoff poster?​
 
xzern said:
do you guys still have the travis scott burger
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Yes of course esteemed user xzern, normally we have such a high-profile and delectable item not available for public consumption, but for one as practiced in the way of first posting as yourself I believe our chefs can make an exception. That comes with a side of Frenched fries and either a pepsi or a coca cola. Which would you prefer?

Plague von Karma said:
pass me a cooked impostor from among us
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Ah, it seems as though we are in truly based company! You are in luck user Plague von Karma, as we happen to have a freshly ejected imposter straight from the bin, with only mild traces of dirt and mystery gunk. We have cooked imposter from among us in a variety of 'sussy' flavours, ranging from red all the way to blue. Might you make your select from said 'sussy' flavours?​
 
nameiguess said:
Ah, it seems as though we are in truly based company! You are in luck user Plague von Karma, as we happen to have a freshly ejected imposter straight from the bin, with only mild traces of dirt and mystery gunk. We have cooked imposter from among us in a variety of 'sussy' flavours, ranging from red all the way to blue. Might you make your select from said 'sussy' flavours?​
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medium red
 
zorbees said:
I'll take your recommendation and go for the Pog Champ special
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But of course, user zorbees. Let me spin the wheel for you
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Looks like you got Liquid weed! Lucky you. I'll get the blender started up. Do you have any preference as to the 'kush' you want to 'hit'?

mf said:
what vegan options do you have? im vegan BTW. dont talk about it much but yup. no meat or cheese. its tough but its my life. u know?
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Why, user mf, I had no idea. It must be tough, you are such a better person than I, since my diet as a sea bird is primarily pescatarian. As for vegan options, does me spitting on your plate count as vegan?​
 
Plague von Karma said:
medium red
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But of course, user Plague von Karma. If you will excuse me


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Sorry for the wait, esteemed user, but here is your cooked medium red imposter, loving hand-ejected by our head chef after being caught acting sus on cams. Would you like anything to go with that? Maybe a side of Coms sabotage? Or a generous helping of venting? Is that enough funny amogus words for your liking?

mf said:
im afraid that, just as i do not eat the egg of the cow or the milk of the chicken, i do not eat the spit of the albatross
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Ah, how unfortunate. I shall confer with the chefs.



Esteemed user mf, the chefs have suggested either the dirty they've found piled up in the corner of the kitchen or a mouldy sponge we are lead to believe has some rare form of fungus growing on it. An edible fungus, I'm sure. Which is more to your liking?​
 
i barrel stylishly into the restaurant, smoothly catching me pelvis on the back of a diner's chair before me. they turn, no doubt to shoot me an admiring look

their gaze is joined by what must be the entirety of the patronage as i speak up in my silken english accent:

"'ELLO dARLIN'. PINT O' LAGER, WHEN YER READY. ALRIGHT TO SIT AT THE BAR? GOT ANY NUTS? NO? NO CRISPS OR NUFFINK?"
 
az said:
i barrel stylishly into the restaurant, smoothly catching me pelvis on the back of a diner's chair before me. they turn, no doubt to shoot me an admiring look

their gaze is joined by what must be the entirety of the patronage as i speak up in my silken english accent:

"'ELLO dARLIN'. PINT O' LAGER, WHEN YER READY. ALRIGHT TO SIT AT THE BAR? GOT ANY NUTS? NO? NO CRISPS OR NUFFINK?"
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Ah, az, good to see such an... esteemed... user as yourself grace our humble establishment. I'm afraid we have no crisps nor nuffink, but the bar seat is perfectly fine. We have salted peanuts in that jar, take as many as you'd like, anything to shut you up. Would you like a pint of larger? Some freshly made fish a chips? A swift kick up the bollocks?​
 
i suavely cram my unwashed hands into the communal peanut jar and messily scoop a handful into my mouth

with the manners of the well-bred i cover my mouth while i chew and continue to talk

"nannff fnfarfn afnrafn yeah pint o' lager, love.. 'ave you got stella? fnarffmnffarf fish and chips'd be bang tidy, yeah mffnraffnf"
 
az said:
i suavely cram my unwashed hands into the communal peanut jar and messily scoop a handful into my mouth

with the manners of the well-bred i cover my mouth while i chew and continue to talk

"nannff fnfarfn afnrafn yeah pint o' lager, love.. 'ave you got stella? fnarffmnffarf fish and chips'd be bang tidy, yeah mffnraffnf"
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Oh christ, why'd I offer alcohol. Now this shitheads gonna get drunk and I'm gonna have to deal with it- I mean of course beloved user az! I'll ask the chefs about our stella stock, but are you sure you don't want me to kick you in the gonads?

zorbees said:
ooh, a pint of larger, that sounds good, maybe i will have some of tat alongside by liquid weed
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Of course, esteemed user zorbees. Just a moment


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Here you are, good sir/madam/etc, one pint of larger and one porn star. Bone app teeth​
 

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LordThemberchaud said:
Do you have any cooked duck?
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Do you seek to mock me, good user? Do you seek to undermine the struggles of albatross kind? If so then you have succeeded. Never in my life have I heard someone utter something so flagrantly rude, but for you to say this to my face without the common decency to even seem embarrassed - why, you are scum, good user.

We do have cooked chicken available though, if that suits your fancy​
 
nameiguess said:

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Do you seek to mock me, good user? Do you seek to undermine the struggles of albatross kind? If so then you have succeeded. Never in my life have I heard someone utter something so flagrantly rude, but for you to say this to my face without the common decency to even seem embarrassed - why, you are scum, good user.

We do have cooked chicken available though, if that suits your fancy​
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I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. How about instead of duck, you get me some mackerel?
 
LordThemberchaud said:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. How about instead of duck, you get me some mackerel?
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I suppose that would be more acceptable.. Would you like it cooked or freshly regurgitated?

zorbees said:
I believe you got my order wrong. You got me a Lager but I wanted a larger
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I'm so terribly sorry, esteemed user, but it appears as though we are out of largers. Instead may I offer piss flavoured Monster or some nice cold Schweppes? Fresh out of the freezer, just for you

Plague von Karma said:
Jolly good meal sir! Here's your payment of 24 xzernbucks.
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Thank you very much, esteemed user Plague von Karma! I'm glad you enjoyed your meal, though I must admit that, as a bird, I have no concept of human currency. Might I be able to exchange this for fish at my local fishmongers?​
 
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