Challenge COMPLETE: If I Were A Boy, I Swear I'd Be A Beta Man: Pokemon XD Blue-and-Yellow Challenge

[QuentinQuonce]

Pokemon XD: Blue-and-Yellow Challenge

Playing Through Orre the way Genius Sonority (possibly) originally intended​

Introduction

Inspired by Ashenlock, I finally took the plunge and downloaded Dolphin so I could emulate Pokemon games as is the right and proper thing to do.

Due to personal and work reasons, it's been quite a while since I've done a challenge run. I've a few ideas tucked away for the coming months: the coming year looks to be quite a busy one, but hopefully I'll be able to get to a few of them in time. I've been wanting to do a challenge run of XD for a while, though, so that's up first.

What challenge to embark on exactly, then? My initial plan was an NFE-only run, but it didn't quite grip me. There's a lot of NFEs to choose from in XD (even if you exclude stuff like Scyther and limit yourself to basic-stage mons) so I opted to take a different tack. Seeing as I'm doing this on an emulator, it seemed only logical to make use of all the tools and tricks out there to give a challenge run a little extra spice.

One of the more interesting things about XD is that the player was at one point apparently intended to start with two Eeveelutions - namely, Vaporeon and Jolteon. Why those two exactly is unknown but, inspired by my earlier Espeon/Umbreon-only Colosseum challenge (and, coincidentally, since I've actually never opted to evolve my Eevee into Vaporeon in any of the times I've played XD) I figured it'd be fun to do a run of XD with the two beta starters, and those two only.

Rules

Hardly need writing down but, for the avoidance of doubt, Vaporeon and Jolteon are the only species that can be used. This means no catching other Pokemon unless forced to (there are, off the top of my head, two mandatory captures in XD). In the event that another Pokemon is captured, it must be boxed at the earliest possible opportunity.

Let's get into it, then!

Part 1

I choose a fetching name and watch as an oddly-coloured Lugia straight-up murders two dudes. Lovely stuff.

​

But never mind that, time to get to the good stuff at the idyllic Pokemon HQ Lab.

My (fairly unremarkable) victory is highly praised by my... uh, coach, I guess...? who also offers me some useful advice that's destined to go entirely ignored.

Joke's on you, fucker, I've got TWO Eevee...

...lutions. For an added bit of pizzazz I made them shiny. Not bad natures at all, either.

I say a brief hello to my mother and the lab's director Professor Krane, who tell me they're far too busy to deal with my adolescent idlings and send me to find my sister, Jovi. After collecting the PDA Krane left in my bedroom, I learn that Jovi was playing hide-and-seek with a fellow called Adon but appears to have gone AWOL, leaving him to hide aimlessly for apparently hours on end. Guess the dude doesn't have much else going on.

...hmmm?

Oh, curious. As I leave, one of the resident scientists makes me go with him into the break room where the TV is broadcasting a story about a missing cargo ship. I believe I've always gone into the break room to watch the TV proactively on previous runs, so it was a surprise to have the game step in and make sure I didn't miss it this time.

​

...wait a minute, if the SS Libra went missing off the coast of Gateon Port and ended up in eastern Orre wouldn't it have had to cross the vast majority of the region? Was there not a single person who saw it flying overhead? I mean I know Orre's a pretty sleepy place but it's not as if there's an absurdly high mountain right in the middle of it with a stunning view of the surrounding area.

Anyway. Logical quibbles aside, I'm told that Jovi went off to the house of one Professor Kaminko, a short distance from the lab. I ride my snazzy bike over there and arrive at a rather gloomy house which, despite the surrounding areas being bright and sunny, appears to be under perpetual grim stormclouds. It's like that one Doctor Who episode where it's raining but only on the hospital the episode's set in.

​

Anyway, I head to the front door but get ambushed by a rather comical-looking man by the name of Chobin. Assuming me to be a burglar, he challenges me to a battle. Unfortunately for him my illicitly-gotten starter Pokemon are rather overlevelled for this stage of the game and so Jolteon effortlessly crushes his Sunkern.

Chobin realises that only a good person would be that powerful, so apologises. The front door opens and... ugh.

Look everyone, it's general irritant and all-round pointless waste of space, Jovi. If you can't already tell, I dislike her greatly. She irritatingly assumes I was lost and needed help from her, then refuses to accept me saying otherwise. She then annoyingly bustles inside and bids me follow her.

Inside, I learn all about Doctor Kaminko's inventions and briefly say hello before Jovi aggravatingly tells me we should go home. Exasperatingly, she joins the party, contributing nothing of use or purpose, and we head back to the lab where mother is waiting outside and Jovi infuriatingly takes the opportunity to tell more despicable lies.

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you​

Still, once that's all sorted with she does me the kindness of leaving my presence. Mother tells me to check in with Prof Krane, who a short search reveals to be in the downstairs lab.

Krane informs me that they've finished work on the new Snag Machine, an outrageous device which steals Pokemon from other trainers. Nifty, but I'm not that kind of guy. He begs me to take it, buttering me up by saying I'm the best trainer he knows. Kind of you. But... no. No, really. No. NO. Unfortunately it turns out that consent is not required and he pretty much forces me to take it.

​

Aw, what the hell, I do look pretty boppin' in it. And I hear there's all sorts of neat Shadow Pokemon out there just waiting to be stolen. Too bad I won't be, y'know, actually using any of them.

Krane's assistant Aidan generously gives me five Pokeballs, but I've barely time to catch my breath before there's a huge ruckus from outside. Whuzzat?

Oh no, looks like some mysterious men have stormed the lab and are trying to abduct Professor Krane! Well, there's loads of adults in this building, I'm sure someone can...

Never mind. Looks like it's up to me, a child, to sort things. It was ever thus.

I boldly approach the gang of ruffians and one of them takes me on in a Pokemon battle, sending out a low-level Teddiursa. It's sure to be no match for my powered-up starter Pokemon. But the device on my head suddenly beeps and reacts.

Don't care, not using it​

It turns out the Teddiursa is a Shadow Pokemon! Who saw that one coming? Krane urges me to use my nifty new Snag Machine to catch it and, being prevented from doing literally anything else, I...

***GLITCH INTERMISSION***

Okay so, let's pause for a moment.

Being as I can actually play around with the code of this game for once, and being the glitch-loving sequence-break-obsessed rebel I am, I got curious and decided to test this fight. You're obviously normally forced to catch the Teddiursa here (even if you throw away your Pokeballs, another will spawn in your bag), but given that the objective of this run is to NOT catch Pokemon where possible, I figured why not see if it's possible to not do so.

For my first try, I used a save editor to badly poison both Jolteon and Vaporeon and got them to low HP. Despite the game preventing you from selecting "Fight" or "Call", you're still allowed to select "Pokemon" - I guess they figured there was no point locking that option since by this point you can only have Eevee - so I immediately switched Jolteon out as Teddiursa used Shadow Mist. Boo! Attack, coward! Weirdly, Vaporeon didn't take any poison damage: the poison animation played, but no HP was lost. Odd. Anyway. Switched Jolteon back in, it fainted after being hit by Shadow Blitz, and after I sent Vaporeon out it took poison damage and fainted as well.

​

Aaaaand we respawn in the lab. Once we go outside the Krane-being-kidnapped-scene plays again and it's business as usual. Okay, that didn't work.

For my second try, I filled up my party and PC with clones of Vaporeon. And this... just softlocks the game by giving you the "PC is full!" message whenever you try and use the Pokeball.

Yeah, no joy. I didn't expect to be able to bypass it but it was worth a shot, to satisfy my curiosity if nothing else.

Back in the rational universe, I throw the ball and catch the Teddiursa with ease. But my heroic efforts are not enough to prevent Krane being taken. Sad times.

There follows a genuinely rather sweet scene where Krane's lab assistant is ready to give up but our mother refuses to quit and resolves to finish Krane's work without him, and a rather stirring tune plays.

It turns out, though, that to finish the machine Krane was working on we'll need a final component. Naturally, it falls to me to collect it, and mother tells me to head to nearby Gateon Port.

Sounds like the kind of place for a great night out. Actually, I bet Miror B's an absolute blast to get drunk with.​

I'm all ready to go but, nauseatingly, Jovi insists on tagging along. Literally why do I have to bring the brat with me.

But she won't be deterred and hops onto the back of my motorbike so there's no shaking her. We head over to Gateon Port and sure enough, it looks like a lively sort of place.

Apparently if you squint REALLY hard you can see the Alola region in this image!​

Jovi runs ahead of me and promptly gets herself into bother with a rather angry young man by the name of Zook. We're supposed to see him as the aggressor in this scenario but honestly, given that Jovi has entirely failed to endear herself to me in any way, I'm quite happy to see him disembowel her and drink her blood.

But before that can happen, the situation is interrupted by the arrival of tiny little man with a cane flanked by two stylish but rather taciturn bodyguards. The little man attempts to dissuade Zook from attacking my sister (honestly no, it's fine, let him kill her) but when he refuses to back down, one of the bodyguards steps in and demolishes his Zangoose in an all-too-brief battle.

Apparently his name is Ardos but I could have sworn it was Awesome McCoolFace​

With all that said and done, Zook runs off crying and the three men depart with barely another word. Thanks, I guess. Before we can go anywhere, we're greeted by a friend of Jovi's and her mother, who inform us that the little man was Mr Verich, an extremely wealthy gentleman who routinely visits Gateon Port in a luxury cruiser. Nice, if there's one thing I've learned it's that extremely wealthy folks are usually kindly and benevolent. I'm sure Verich is no exception to that.

Right, now can I finally do what I came here for please? Heading over to the Machine Shop, I'm informed that the owner is currently absent, but a nice man inside the shop decides to take the time to talk to me and tell me some interesting facts about his favourite Pokemon.

​

Umm

​

Oh okay, never mind. Even though I don't have an Eevee to evolve, he offers me a choice of the five items it needs to do so anyway. I choose the Sun Shard because... Espeon's cool, I guess. May as well.

The owner's grandson happens to be just outside fixing the bridge. Once that's done, he gives me the required part and I'm finally able to head back to the lab and rid myself of the brat... I mean deliver the part to my mother. She explains that the machine they're working on is called the Purify Chamber and it's designed to... wait for it... purify Shadow Pokemon. But, since it isn't ready yet, I'll need to purify any Shadow Pokemon I catch another way. I try to explain that I'm not going to be catching any Shadow Pokemon, but... no-one listens to me in this place I swear to god.

Apparently I have to go to Agate Village to learn about purification!

Yeah why not, might get a Celebi out of it I suppose​

On the road again...



Current team

Jolteon
Serious Nature
Level 26 (Male)
Quick Attack
Sand-Attack
Helping Hand
Thundershock

Vaporeon
Relaxed Nature
Level 30 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Quick Attack
Bite

 

[Ashenlock]

Very cool dude! I hope to read more soon.

I always wondered about those two dudes that got dropped off the ship. Like y'all are in the middle of the ocean. At night. You guys know what happened to people in the water after the Titanic sank, yeah?

Also, a warning: in the part of the game where you have to sneak up on a certain Pokémon to progress in the story, it may appear to be impossible to move slowly enough with the default controls to catch that Pokémon. I got around this by changing the movement to follow the mouse rather than directional keys on a keyboard, but there is supposed to be another way, too.

Good luck on your journey!

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 2

Obedient sort that I (occasionally) am, I do as my mother asked and set off for Agate Village!

​

Unnnf, such a lovely place. Definitely where I'd be headed if I lived in Orre.

I breathe deep the lovely flowery grassy smell and enjoy the calming sound of the flowing river, but unfortunately my peaceful mood is interrupted by the fact that every trainer I say hello to wants to battle. I refuse each time, since my twosome are so powerful I don't want to humble more people than I absolutely have to.

Ah, so someone did see the SS Libra in the sky then. I grudgingly retract my criticism from last time.

Still, it's dumb that apparently more people in Emerald saw Rayquaza flying around than this.​

I take my time to explore the village some more, finding a few items lying around and admiring the glittering cascading waterfall from a high point.

My headcanon for this has always been that they're from a tree just slightly out of view above the clifftop but the old man thinks his Taillow is flying to, like, Hoenn or somewhere every day​

But I can't relax forever, I've got a job to do. I'm here to see Eagun, who apparently used to be some big-shot trainer back in the day. Cool. After looking around, I find his house. His wife, Beluh, informs me that he went rushing off earlier. Oh, never mind then... but before I can leave, he runs back in, seemingly very excited to see me. He bids me follow him to the Relic Forest down below and dashes out of the house again before I can do so much as blink. Nice to see an old bloke with so much pep.

Once I make my way down to the entrance cave, I'm told that to prove my skill and access the Relic Forest I'll need to battle a few trainers Eagun has laid on for me. Yeah, go on then.

​

...oh.

Guess I have to bring Teddiursa with me, then. But ha ha ha, because I've got two starters I still don't have to use it! Honestly, I should have called this challenge "Pokemon XD: Loophole Abuse".

With the awesome might of both my starters assembled side-by-side for the first time, none of these losers can hope to stand against me.

​

Right! That's all done, then. All four of Eagun's underlings fall swiftly and I proceed through the cave to the sun-dappled grove beyond, where Eagun awaits with his trusty sidekick Pikachu. Praising me for winning, he tells me that the final test is to battle against him. Even in an unmodified game this battle - Eevee and a Shadow Teddiursa against one Pikachu - is a hilariously easy cakewalk.

Really? I'm sure I heard that some skrubby Cipher Peon managed it a few years back.​

Sufficiently convinced that I'm a hotshot trainer myself, Eagun says that I should purify a Pokemon. Yeah, good one!

Oh wait, I have to purify Teddiursa to progress, don't I? Urgh.

Solid advice, Ladi, but I think I'm going to choose another path.​

Seeing as my rules dictate no using Teddiursa in battle, and I don't much fancy doing several thousand laps around the village, I check my wallet and decide to blow all my cash on expensive colognes because I'm feeling a bit stinky. Typical rich kid buying my way out of my problems. Well, it's not like I need it for anything else right now. Several indulgent rub-downs later and Teddiursa is ready to be purified! And it's straight back in the PC with you, sonny boy. See you never.

With that done, Eagun advises me that the return of Shadow Pokemon means that Team Cipher is likely active in the Orre region once again. Thankfully it turns out that he and the other adults in Orre are not totally complacent morons, so they've been keeping an eye out for any further trouble - and a friend of his called Vander has spied some shady types in the desert south of Mt Battle.

Guess I'm off again, then. It was a nice stopover, though. Eagun notes down my PDA number and sees me on my way.

Ooh, before I leave there's one thing more to do, though. I head on up to the Daycare and say hello to a kindly old man sat at the table - Orre's premier Name Rater.

I've decided my dashing duo should receive nicknames... hmm, but which ones?

Let's go with something simple and classic.

​

Off we go, then!

I zip onto my bike and head away from the green slopes of Agate to the loftier peaks further east, where the ground is stony and the air is thinner. I've heard all about this place - the place all trainers aspire to, Mt. Battle!

(Why yes, I shall be conquering this place eventually. If I could do it with an Espeon and Umbreon, I can surely do it with a Jolteon and a Vaporeon. We'll say nothing about Flareon.)

As I stand admiring the distant summit, a familiar face appears to say hi.

Mmm... not exactly.​

Rather more talkative than the last time we crossed paths, the mysterious red-garbed man tells me that he trained here extensively in his youth, seeking to become strong with no other motive. But of late, he's been questioning what the purpose of his strength is.

...huh. Remind you of anyone? Between this and all the similarities to be found in Colosseum, I am absolutely convinced the team who designed Black&White liked these games a heck of a lot.

Anyway. The mysterious man urges me to consider his words and apply them to myself, then departs.

Time to find Vander, I guess. The receptionist inside Mt. Battle says that it's closed because they're currently in training, but once I tell her I'm here to speak to Vander she lets me through without any further questions. That's it? No wonder this place got taken over by Cipher before, the security here's clearly not up to any reasonable standard.

Seeing as Tom and Jerry are several levels apart and the trainers in Zone 1 are unlikely to prove troublesome, I figure I may as well take the opportunity to make a start on evening them up, so plonk Tom in the PC before heading inside. Sure enough, Jerry is able to wipe out the first two trainers we meet with no issue. Vander turns out to be in Zone 3 but, much like Eagun, requests that I prove myself with a battle. No, not against him, just against another novice trainer. The battle goes the same way all others have thus far gone. Satisfied, Vander says a proper hello and agrees to tell me about the nefarious individuals he spotted recently.

...you couldn't be any more specific than that? Alright, guess I'll just wander aimlessly around the desert until I find it, I guess. Cheers for that. I head on out, getting an email from Aidan at the lab informing me that Pokeballs are now in stock at Agate Village's Pokemart! Mmm... not exactly something I need to concern myself with right now. On to the mystery Cipher facility!

...oh, that was quick. I found it right away. It's a rather windswept but modestly-sized laboratory, encircled by an electric fence that appears to be out of commission right now. If I didn't know better I'd suspect it was long-abandoned - but look, the vehicle that Professor Krane was taken away in is parked out front! This must be the place. I take a step forward but before I can do anything, the front door opens and six brightly-garbed individuals dash outside.

I appreciate the effort but you didn't need to dress up to frighten people. Sextuplets are freaky enough as it is.​

These guys fascinate me. Are these codenames or did they have a thoroughly vindictive mother who decided to curse them to live according to one colour forever? What if your name was Yellosix but your favourite colour was red? And why these colours specifically? I have so many questions.

That's not for now, though. As fun as it'd be to tear all six brothers a new arsehole, I've got better things to do.

...oh, apparently not.

​

Never mind! I can say no...

​

...oh, apparently I can't.

Looks like I have to cream at least one of them to progress. Very well then! I am allowed to leave the area, so I return to Mt. Battle and drop Tom back in the PC. May as well beat up Blusix, though they're all so weak that really Jerry could easily win against any of them. I don't much like knocking out a Shadow Pokemon without catching it but, unlike most trainers in XD, the Hexagon brothers' Shadow Pokemon don't get sent to Miror B after fighting them, so I don't need to go looking for it when I eventually decide the time's right to catch them all.

With the minimum required amount of siblings dispatched, I'm allowed to go inside the lab and return Tom to my team. Right, let's proceed... ugh. Before I've crossed the room, a Cipher Peon drops from the ceiling and demands a battle. Ugh, I have not even for a second missed how obnoxious this is.

Begone, worthless goon!​

I'm sure we can expect many more similarly-obnoxious ceiling-ambushes before long. *cracks knuckles* Fuck it, we've got a professor to rescue. Let's do this thing.


Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 31 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Quick Attack
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 28 (Male)
Quick Attack
Sand-Attack
Helping Hand
Thundershock

 

[Axiemeister]

this is so funny i am definitely following this. #justice4yellosix

also... wow, gen 3 movepools were barren huh. they seemed so much betyer than gen 2 at the time, but looking back we were really got so happy with scraps

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 3

Into the lab I go. I never know which way you're meant to go in this damn place, so some back-and-forthing ensues as I look around and blunder into multiple irritants. Several have Shadow Pokemon, which I duly strike down without catching.

...wait, maybe I'd be better off catching them. Otherwise I'm going to have to run around Orre for hours generating Miror B rematches and that'll be mighty dull. Hmm.

I completely understand​

In an otherwise unremarkable corridor, I somehow overhear Professor Krane being menaced... if that's the right word... by Naps and Lovrina, apparently some big-shot Cipher science bod.

​

He refuses to give in. Good man. It's nice to have a professor character with a bit of backbone for once.

I try and avoid fights where I can, but most of them can't be skipped. Still, Jerry levels up and learns Double Kick, so it's worth it!

Pound for pound, the scientists are actually more enjoyable to battle than the plain old peons. Funny, that.

Well, lots of things, clearly. At least they sometimes lock their doors, though.​

Perhaps because of the utter slog this place is in Colosseum, I expect it to take far longer, so I'm pleasantly surprised when I eventually make it through to the room Krane's being held in by Naps, the guy I fought earlier. To my surprise, he's trying to talk Naps round and appears to be almost getting through to him.

God, this guy's good. Totally worth the rescuing.​

But the sight of me blundering in distracts them both and causes Naps to be overcome with rage. Oops. My bad. Should have given Krane a bit more time to work his magic.

Yes, but believe me when I say it was most unwillingly​

Unwilling to listen to any more reasonable arguments, Naps engages me in battle. He's severely upgraded his team (Beldum this early in the game? Swish) but unfortunately it's not remotely enough to stop me rolling over him like a tank. Sobbing like a child, he flees, and Prof Krane suggests we get out of here before anyone else arrives.

He joins me in the same manner as Jovi did earlier on. Well, I'd much rather have a young, brave, intelligent scientist at my side than some snotty kid so I'm only too happy to let him. I can see why Cipher wanted him so badly. Oh god, do I have a man-crush on Prof Krane?

...let's get moving, shall we? I pick up a Leaf Stone I'll never use and lead him back to the entrance elevator...

...but we're too late, as Lovrina emerges from it to cut us off. In the floweriest way possible, she demands I hand over Professor Krane so that she can continue with making more Shadow Pokemon. Naturally, it's a no, and this doesn't go down well at all.

Kinky.​

Lovrina engages me in battle, but unfortunately her combination of Luvdisc and Beautifly utterly fails to be a threat. Her Roselia and Shadow Delcatty are somewhat more bulky and take a couple of hits before they'll go down, but neither manages to deal any significant damage in the meantime.

Lovrina throws a massive tantrum and runs off, leaving behind a mysterious data rom. Ooh, what did we win? Rare berries? Cheat codes? A shiny Deoxys? No, apparently none of those things because it can't be decoded yet. Krane suggests we hightail it back to our own HQ Lab, which sounds sensible. It's a hop, skip, and a jump before we're there.

Me, describing my most recent marriage​

Everyone's relieved that Krane is back.

Well, you know what they say: behind every great man is a woman who'll finish his work when it's 95% done and take all the credit.​

And our timing couldn't be better, because it turns out that the Purify Chamber is ready! Everyone excitedly hurries over to where it's set up, leaving me behind.

Seriously, game? You really couldn't have just taken me with everyone?​

Yes, it's ready at last: a dazzling technological achievement, a marvel of modern science, a machine that can purify nine Pokemon at once. Is there some significance to nine I'm not getting?

Nah, that can't be it.

Anyway, everyone encourages me to have a play around in the Purify Chamber, even though I have precisely nothing to purify. Looks awfully pretty, though.

oh my god I have to do EVERYTHING around here
​

Mother sends me off to check on the progress of the Data ROM's decryption, but Datan, the guy in charge of the task, appears to be missing. After looking around, I find him outside all gloomy and moping. Turns out it was too difficult and he wasn't able to. Oh well.

But then Professor Krane says he knows someone who'll probably have better luck.

EVERYTHING. Honestly at this point I'd be more taken by surprise if someone wasn't asking me to run an errand for them​

God, the early portion of this game really is just one long repetitive fetch-quest, isn't it?

But that's fine. I hear Pyrite Town's a fun place. Little bit rough, but I'm sure I'll cope.


Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 32 (Male)
Helping Hand
Quick Attack
Water Gun
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 30 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Helping Hand
Thundershock


Art by Nevedoodle on DeviantArt

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 4

After one long, dusty ride, I arrive in Pyrite Town, home of thieves, bandits, and ne'er-do-wells of all stripes. Case in point: the first thing I see is a girl fleeing from a guy chasing after her. I don't know what he did to upset her so badly, but he's carrying a camera! Ew, bad vibes.

Shortly after that I spy two notorious faces.

Thanks for reminding me of their names. It's exposition-tastic!
​

Officer Johnson tries to discover what nefarious deeds Trudly and Folly are up to today, but they refuse to tell him and flee and he... basically gives up after taking a couple of steps.

I poke cautiously around the town and see what I can scrounge up. There's a hotel in the centre of town, but why would I pay for the privilege when I can just break into all the guests' rooms and steal their items for free?

Many of the townspeople I speak to are excited by a rumour that wild Pokemon have been appearing lately. Tbh, that's pretty cool.

Interestingly, this is the only indication I think we get in either game that Orre's landscape was actively made inhospitable by something.​

There's a Colosseum here, but I'm not interested in that. From what I know of this place there was once a grimy old building at the north end of town, but instead there's a new-looking gleaming silver construction in its place. That must be ONBS, then!

F
​

There's a guy allegedly on guard outside the building who just lets me in without any questions or checking, so I proceed to the front desk.

Seriously, does nowhere in Orre have even basic security?​

The building itself is pretty cool, though. There are various studios set up where cameras are filming performers, news anchors, and various notable personalities. Seems like it'd be a fun place to work. I wander around and check things out, and meet a scared little girl who's lost her mother. Kind soul that I am, I agree to help find her.

Still better than Jovi.​

It doesn't take too much effort to find the little girl's mother, and once they're reunited she gives me a Soothe Bell in thanks. Eh, not the most useful item. Pretty sure both my starters came with maximum friendship.

Anyway. I'm here to see someone, so I should really get on that. I find my way to the top of the building and speak to Secc. Or was it Nett? Idk, they're pretty interchangeable. I hand over the Data Rom and he says he should be able to decrypt it, but it'll take him a while. His assistant, Bitt, suggests that I kill the intervening time by checking out the Pokespot everyone's all excited about - apparently the town's mayor, Duking, is already there.

Yeah sure, I'll go on a fun little jaunt to the literal OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY​

I've sworn myself to a lifetime of abstinence on the Pokemon-catching front, but what the hell. It's not every day you get to see history being made. I hop onto my bike and get over to the Rock Pokespot, a sheltered alcove under some low cliffs. Sure enough, I spy a rather beefy man who can only be Duking in the middle of an interview with a news anchor. He bids me come and demonstrate the fine and subtle art of... laying pieces of cake on a platter. Truly, my understanding of the universe has been altered.

But apparently this will attract wild Pokemon. Nice. Duking kindly gives me the Spot Monitor so I'll know when wild Pokemon have appeared, then tells me that there's another Pokespot west of here. Right outside Pyrite Town, in fact.

Wouldn't it have made more sense to go there first?
​

On his prompting, I head there and lay some more cake slices out. Duking arrives in a manner I can only describe as "fucking somehow" and tells me that there's one final Pokestop I should check out, this one in a cave on the eastern flank of Mt. Battle. Apparently it's hard to find but somehow I think I'll manage.

But when I arrive there, it turns out that I'm not the first. Trudly and Folly are there too, talking in furtive whispers about their mysterious boss. Who could that be?

Why, it's...

...only the coolest man in the whole damn world, of course!

EVVVVVERYBODDYYYYYY DAAAANCE

Miror B arrives, clad in a stylish and slimming new getup, and greets his henchmen with a funky dance. Then he catches sight of me and, naturally, assumes that I'm here to pay homage and join his funky crew. Yes please. I want to learn all your ways. He tells me that his team's goal is to own all of the Pokemon in the world... what, literally ALL of them? That sounds logistically nightmarish. Where would you put them all? But it's good to aim high. I accept. I will join your team.

...no, I'm serious.

...no, I am!

But despite my earnest agreement, Miror B refuses to believe I'm being sincere. Hey!

Dammit. Finally an evil team I want to join and no joy. Miror B, assuming I'm only there to cause trouble and prevent him from achieving his goals, challenges me to battle.

Despite the level advantage I continue to enjoy over foes thus far, Miror B's team actually proves capable of putting up a semblance of a fight. He has three Lombre, which all survive a couple of hits and set up rain - unfortunately, the only one to use Mega Drain isn't smart enough to use it on Tom, the only one actually weak to Grass. Moron.

Awoogah! Awoogah! Must catch the Voltorb here, as apparently there's a glitch which causes it not to respawn if defeated.

"This Voltorb is a Shadow Pokemon, as evidenced by the fact that it's very mean-tempered and aggressive"

"That's just a Voltorb, sir"​

I don't much want to attack it, Voltorb is so frail that even Tom's Quick Attack might OHKO it. I have a few Great Balls picked up from earlier, though, and though the first one fails the second does the trick and I get a successful capture.

Dismayed that I defeated him and snagged his brand-new Shadow Pokemon, Miror B calls me names and runs off. Sorry. You're still cool, bud. Trudly and Folly follow him, but drop something in their haste - the Miror Radar, which helpfully contains instructions on how to use it.

Yes, where DOES Miror B get his Pokemon from exactly? Kanto? Unova? Timbuktu? Neptune? Mordor? Narnia? Pokemon HOME?
​

Anyway, now that I've got that I can track the handsome fella across the region, so I feel confident I'll see him again before too long.

I get a message on my PDA saying that the Data Rom's been downloaded. May as well head back to Pyrite, then.

...oh, dear.

Yes thanks, I'm aware who Megg is
​

I don't want to say "I told you so", but if you guys had better security...

"Shady characters" sounds very much like a synonym for "Team Cipher" to me, and sure enough it's not long before a Peon obnoxiously drops down from the ceiling to fight me. Looks like I need to fight my way up to the roof, then. I dispatch the goon with ease and head upwards. I can see frightened ONBS employees being held captive in several of the adjacent studios, but ignore them. Single-minded focus, and all that.

Eventually, I reach the top office, where Secc or Nett... one of them, anyway... and Bitt are being threatened by a burly-looking man by the name of Cipher Commander Exol, who's holding Megg to ransom.

This thing must be full of top-quality nudes. I can't think of any other reason Cipher would want it back quite so desperately.​

The frightened children hand back the Data Rom and Exol releases Megg, revealing that Cipher have wiped all of ONBS's servers. Top-quality villainy there, I approve...

...but Exol, much like Miror B did earlier, sees me staring in admiration and assumes I'm there to fight.

This guy's really cool. Can I talk about how cool he is for a second? Of course I can, it's my challenge run. Firstly, he's so buff. Hnnnhhh. Love his design - very menacing, very stylish, very clean. Also, he's the only person we meet in Cipher to be ranked as a Commander - clearly he's on the way up. Really great team, too - how many villains use Raichu? And Mawile is a superb choice for a Shadow at this stage of the game.

Yeah. I like this guy a lot. And, fittingly, he turns out to be the first somewhat-tricky boss! Jerry dispatches his Loudred with no trouble at all, but his Girafarig narrowly survives Tom's Bite and strikes back with Confusion, successfully managing to inflict Tom with confusion. Exol sends out Raichu in Loudred's place and while Tom manages to land a successful Quick Attack on Girafarig and KO it, Jerry ironically gets inflicted with paralysis after striking Raichu, who hits Tom with a nastily-powerful Shock Wave.

Mawile comes out, and Jerry predictably fails to attack. Raichu hits Tom with Seismic Toss, which at level 23 is laughable, but Tom hits himself thanks to the confusion. Grrr. Right. Do I just try and catch Mawile? Is that simpler? I throw a Great Ball and go for Quick Attack on Raichu - the capture fails, and Tom does enough damage to finish Raichu off but gets paralysed as well. Mawile strikes Jerry with Shadow Rush.

Meh. I only have a couple of balls left and I'm not convinced snagging this thing will be doable. May as well just knock it out. Mawile strikes both my guys with Shadow Wave, but Jerry successfully manages to attack and brings it to low health with Double Kick, where Tom's Water Gun does just enough to bring it down.

Nice one. Fun fact, you can actually lose this battle without consequence. If you don't consider the humilating affront to your reputation a consequence, I suppose.

Anyway. Exol, competent villain that he is, tells me that my victory cost him nothing - he got what he came for, and Team Cipher depart the ONBS building in triumph.

I'd like to take a moment to breathe, but I'm not even allowed that. Bitt, Megg, and the other one inform me that they managed to decrypt enough of the Data Rom to get an indication of Cipher's next move: they're planning a major attack on nearby Phenac City.

Wait, you're Nett? Oh my god, this whole time I thought you were Secc.​

Naturally, it falls to me to sort things out. I'm not even a little bit surprised at this point. Yeah, sure, I suppose I can go to Phenac. I won't rush, though.

Okay, NOW I'm going to say "I told you so".​

It occurs to me I never spoke to the Move Tutor in Agate Village, so I head over there to see if anything she teaches would be an improvement on my duo's current movesets. Hmmm... Icy Wind would be cool for Tom, but I'm pretty sure I can pick up TM14, Blizzard, very shortly, so it's probably not worth bothering. Thunder Wave for Jerry? Eh, it learns it naturally eventually. Substitute? ...maybe. Kind of overkill now, though. Never mind.

Oh, fun. Apparently Eagun changes his dialogue throughout the story?

These games are so on it with immersive details like this, it's wicked.

Well, if even Eagun's urging me to go, guess I can't put it off. Looks like we're off to Phenac!


Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 34 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Quick Attack
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 32 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Helping Hand
Thundershock

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 5

After trekking across the deep desert, I arrive in bountiful Phenac City, site of many flowing streams and fountains. The general atmosphere is rather cold, but one friendly woman near the city's south entrance congratulates me - apparently I'm the city's millionth visitor, and have won a free Disc Case which can be used at nearby Realgam Tower! Well, isn't that nice.

I could hardly have missed it, could I? I'd have to have gone right past it to get here and it's thousands of feet tall.​

Well, Phenac City seems safe enough, so I figure I may as well go and play around. Off I head to Realgam Tower, where I spot Trudly and Folly leaving in a huff because they didn't realise that the Pokemon on the Battle CDs aren't real. Damn, there's always fine print.

The actual colosseum challenge at Realgam Tower is closed so I play around with a couple of battle CDs and explore the rest of the area. I've never really gotten too into Battle Bingo, but idly give one of the cards a try and end up winning first time.

​

The payout's pretty crappy for the time invested, though. Can't see myself wanting to devote lots of time to this format.

I also head into the shop and buy a couple of flashy TMs I'll save for later.

I'm with you, big guy. Plus they give you rare Pokemon there if you win. Way cooler.​

Well, this place is fun. How nice of the people of Phenac to send me here...

...wait, what? After speaking to another guy at the entrance, it turns out that he, too, was Phenac's millionth visitor and got a free Disc Case! Oh my god, did I just fall for a tourist board scam?

This will not stand. Full of a sudden rage, I hightail it back to Phenac to give them all a piece of my mind.

Alright, listen lady -​

But something's up. This city, which I've always been told was a warm and pleasant place, feels strange and unwelcoming. The mart is closed, the Pokemon centre has no staff, and the few residents I see around the streets are odd. One of them mentions his suit doesn't fit him properly. What could he mean by that?

Even the houses are mostly empty.

Earlier I stole items from hotel rooms and I literally broke into this house, but sure, let's draw the line here.​

Even the stadium at the top of town is closed off - the man outside prevents me from going in, since it's not used for battling any more. That's a real shame, it looks so pretty. I head to Phenac's Pre Gym and speak to the leader, Justy, but he brushes off my warnings about Cipher targeting Phenac. Huh, how strange.

I eventually enter a house on the east side of town that has one resident still inside - a man who says his wife is missing. Hmm. Strange. He does, however, allow me to pick up a music disc on his table, saying that he has no use for it. Um, sure.

Fellas, is it gay to listen to music girls like?​

Well, this is all very puzzling. But I can't see any Cipher members anywhere so I can only presume the city is safe. I should talk to the mayor, though, just to be on the safe side - I find his house on the west side of the city, but it's deserted except for a woman I take to be his... secretary? Wife? Mistress? You know what, I'm not asking. She says that she's immensely bored.

No, there's just a disc in my pocket.​

Enthralled by the music disc I brought with me, the lady puts on a funky beat and starts jamming out. Ooookay then. I leave her to it and go and investigate upstairs. No-one here, either. But wait, there's something on the floor. It's a note, and it says Cipher plans to abduct all the citizens of Phenac and replace them!

I've barely time to recover from this shocking revelation when the lady enters the room behind me and mockingly asks what I'm so concerned about. She rips away her clothes to reveal a smoking-hot bod that she's a Cipher Peon!

I fight back and destroy her, then head downstairs where I'm ambushed by another one. Argh, begone! But to my horror, I begin to realise that the city is full of them. I've barely time to take it in before the doors of the Pre Gym slide open and a succession of identical figures stride out - it's Justy, but lots of him.

The Justy doppelgangers begin to count off, and the unusual routine stirs a memory in my mind - they're the Hexagon Brothers from earlier, cunningly disguised. The six figures take up different positions around the city, no doubt waiting for me to challenge them.

But I'm not here for those losers. Since they've left the Pre Gym unguarded, I head inside and see what's going on.

A couple more Cipher Peons are lying in wait here - they all have Shadow Pokemon and they're packing some decently tough teams, but I'm able to overcome them. Yet another Justy is waiting in the centre of the gym - this one proclaims himself to be the best of the bunch. Big talk, but his team - impressive though it looks - is wiped out by a combination of Jerry's Double Kick and Tom's Bite. The Justy impersonator reveals himself to just be another Cipher Peon and confesses that all the real Phenac civilians are stashed in the basement below our feet - but he doesn't have the key that'd let me free them all.

What kind of gym leader gives up that easily? What a loser.​

I'm not sure who'll have the key, but after a moment's thought, I realise that the man who stopped me from going into Phenac Stadium earlier was probably a Cipher Peon too. Was there something in there he didn't want me to see? Sure enough, my hunch is correct, and he rips off his disguise and attacks me. Aw, he's got a shadow Swinub - dark piggy. But it's easily dispatched.

Once he's dealt with, I head inside the stadium. Sure enough, the reception appears to be abandoned - but there's something happening in the central area. A bunch of people are there - a couple more Cipher Peons and a couple of civilians who're refusing to yield to them.

And...

and...

...it's mahhh boyyyy!

Yes, if you were wondering who the guy in my avatar is, it's this guy: Cipher's coolest villain by far, Snattle. Why is he so cool, exactly? Well, let me tell you.

Firstly, in a world where dinosaurs can level mountains, psychotic dragons patrol the seas, and eco-terrorists want to use ancient powers to terraform the planet, Snattle's ambitions are refreshingly mundane: he just wants to be Orre's governor. Not king of the world. Not even ruler of the wider continent Orre is part of. Presumably not even the actual top-ranking figure in Orre once Cipher take control. Just governor of Orre. There's something to be said for knowing your limits, good for him.

Secondly, his sense of style is top-tier.

I mean look at this goddamn ensemble. There's so much to get into. The crotch bulge. The slight paunch. The heeled boots. The trailing headpiece. The weird glowy gemstone necklace. The combination of broad-sleeved tailcoat and what looks like a wetsuit. And the fact that it's all violet and white. I love it. I love it so much. Truly Snattle is out here proving that fashion is all about confidence, and he has that in spades. He makes it work.

Thirdly, his team selection.

​

Snattle gets points for not just using Castform, but being the only opponent in this whole damn game to make use of the Shadow Sky+Weather Ball combination. His team in general is bulky as all hell for this stage of the game - there's no double-weaknesses to exploit. Fittingly, even my rather-overlevelled duo have some difficulty taking him on.

Outraged that I'd dare intrude on him as he's midway through intimidating his prisoners, Snattle declares that I must be stopped and challenges me to battle. By now, my twosome are a little worn down from all the battles I've fought, but I disregard that and meet him head-on.

His Lanturn and Quagsire are a formidable opening pair - both sponge a couple of hits from Tom and Jerry and strike back hard, Lanturn getting off a wicked blow on Tom with Shock Wave and Quagsire striking Jerry with Rock Tomb. It takes three hits from Jerry's Double Kick to bring Lanturn down, by which time it's done some serious damage - I'm forced to heal Tom as Snattle sends out his Metang early. It, too, won't be brought down easily, and strikes Tom with Thunderpunch next turn. Quagsire finally falls and Snattle sends out his Shadow Lunatone, but that thankfully is a much easier kill with Water Gun - Castform being saved for last makes it an easy kill with Double Kick, leaving me free to gang up on Metang and finally faint it with a combination Thundershock and Bite.

Dismayed that I beat him, Snattle flees, leaving behind the key I need to unlock Pre Gym's elevator! The people he was holding hostage thank me - it turns out they're the girl I saw fleeing Pyrite earlier followed by that guy with the camera. Oh right, she's a newsreader. Panic over, I was thinking all sorts of grim thoughts. And it turns out they filmed my bout with Snattle. Cool, but I'm not seeking fame. Believe it or not, all I want is the quiet life.

With the key in hand, I'm able to go back to Pre Gym and let out all the incarcerated people below.

Oh c'mon it doesn't look THAT bad

...though where do you go if one of you needs to pee?

Mayor Trest asks me to come by his house so he can reward me properly. Ooh, this oughta be good. A big cash bundle, perhaps. Perhaps an expensive apartment of my own? The key to the city?

Instead, I get... an Exp Share. Are you fucking kidding me?

​

What a waste of time. Trest then mentions that I should talk to people around the city, since Cipher Peons have been spotted in the desert to the north of here and someone might know something useful. Um... alright then.

Yeah it's big and hot and yellow
​

Eventually I manage to glean that there's something in the desert to the north. Why exactly this is something I should be checking out is a mystery to me, but clearly no-one in Orre can do anything for themselves so I eventually agree to head up there and check it out.

Unfortunately though, the desert has other plans.

Back it up, back it up, back that big booty up​

Well, never mind. Guess I'll have to live with the mystery of not knowing.

I return to Phenac and get a message from Nett at ONBS.

literally why in the world is this anything remotely resembling my problem
​

Jeez, these clowns really would be lost without me, wouldn't they? How did they ever manage to build a thriving news outlet on their own?

I just... fine. I'll help. If I must.


Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 36 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Aurora Beam
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 34 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Helping Hand
Thundershock

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 6

​

With nowhere better to go, I head over to Pyrite and go and speak to Secc. Er, Nett. Or Bitt. Oh, one of them at any rate.

I'm introduced to an old guy and his distressed granddaughter, who say that one of the Pokemon being transported on the SS Libra was a new species they found in their garden some time ago. Wait, I'm confused. Do these people already live in Orre or somewhere else? Was the Pokemon being sent away or coming here?

Is it Eternatus? I hope it's Eternatus.​

The old man asks if I'll find his Pokemon for him. I try and politely refuse (it's not really any of my business) but he harangues me over and over again until I finally give in and say yes.

"kind"​

Anyway, once I agree he tells his granddaughter to show me a picture of the Pokemon. Why, that's not a new species, it's just a Bonsly. What is this, 2005?

The pair shuffle off, and the kids at ONBS ask about my trip into the deep desert. Surprisingly, they give me an actually useful tip - I should go and check in with Perr and Makan in Gateon Port to see if they can modify my scooter. Yeah, let's do that.

I head back to Gateon Port and meet up with Perr, but he says that Makan is currently at Kaminko's house. Before I can leave, the TV blares out a news report - it's me, humbling the mighty Snattle at Phenac Stadium! Impressed that I was able to best such a mighty, stylish, and charismatic man, the citizens of Gateon Port shower me with praise. Nice, I'm a celebrity.

Off to Kaminko's lab, then.

In Pokemon Colosseum, you meet Nascour once in a forgettable cameo that basically just tells you he exists before the end of the game.

The writers obviously realised that this was underwhelming and decided that having the player meet Mr Verich just once wasn't enough, so added this additional forgettable cameo that basically just tells you he exists before the end of the game. ​

Dr Kaminko's lab is the same dark, gloomy storm-covered location it was before, and once again I am stopped at the door by Chobin. Oh dear, must we do this routine again? He engages me in battle with his trusty Sunkern, having added an actually impressive Gyarados to his team. Unfortunately, when you have a Jolteon, Gyarados is vastly less fearsome than it might otherwise seem and I win handily.

Dr Kaminko emerges from his lab. I'd expect this guy not to remember me - I met him for all of ten seconds last time I was here - but Chobin continues to insist I'm an intruder and vanishes offscreen, promising to return with the Robo Groudon for a rematch.

Oh my god, THIS thing?
​

It turns out that the Robo Groudon is basically... a glorified mobility scooter. Looks pretty cool, though if it's supposed to intimidate me it fails miserably.

Have you looked upwards recently?

Chobin apparently also took the time to evolve his Sunkern into a Sunflora in the basement and acquire a Hoppip and a Tropius in a manner I can only describe as "fucking somehow". Sunflora's an old favourite of mine, but sadly no better at surviving an Aurora Beam than its pre-evolution is.

Seeing how his prototype mecha conferred precisely no combat advantage, Kaminko orders that it be scrapped, but Chobin begs him to allow him to keep it. Because everyone needs a hobby, I guess.

Beating him twice also seemed to jog something in Chobin's memory, and he suddenly recalls meeting me before. I'd quite like to find Makan and leave as quickly as possible, if that's alright. Fortunately, I am swiftly permitted to do so.

Great, now you've taken a shit can you please get to work on my scooter?
​

After dragging him back to Gateon Port, Makan agrees to upgrade my scooter and converts it into a hoverbike! Sick. It'd be cool if you could access a bunch of new areas with this, but the main use for it is getting to finally access that area of the deep desert we couldn't before, so let's see what's waiting there.

​

Well, whaddyaknow.

The immense cargo ship has crashed in the desert and split clean in two. The front half is buried upright in the sand and is completely inaccessible, but luckily something has blown a convenient hole in the side of the other side so I'm able to enter.

Inside the ship, various crates have tumbled around and some are blocking the way through. No matter - I simply crack my knuckles and get pushing the heavy crates out of the way. I've heard tell that in far-off regions there are spoiled brat snowflake kids who're so lazy they actually get their Pokemon to do this for them. Just imagine. Could never be me.

It's quiet in here as I make my way upwards to the top deck. Seems like no-one else is here. But when I make it out and emerge into the sunlight, I discover that I was wrong about that.

Don't you DARE say shit about my boy or I'll tear you a new set of orifices​

Apparently this is Gorigan, some big-shot Cipher admin. Can't say I'm familiar. Frankly he looks pretty try-hard. Not to mention top-heavy. One of his underlings rattles off a bunch of statistics in a transparently obvious attempt to sound clever.

Rather than battle me here, Gorigan instead lomps off like the great big gorilla he is and lets his henchmen fight me instead. The battle goes much the same way others have.

Once they're gone, a voice calls out to me. There's... there's a guy living here. Holy crap, that's so cool! I want to live in a crashed ship in the desert too. He seems friendly enough and even offers to let me heal up. Aw, well isn't that nice. Finally I've met someone completely selfless and kind, someone magnanimous who won't ask me to solve all their -

Oh. Never mind.

You literally live in a crashed ship but exploring a crashed ship is too creepy for you? Make it make sense.
​

He keeps insisting I go and check the hull for him. After a while it just gets irritating and I want to be literally anywhere else, so I say yes and go downstairs.

...Eternatus? Sadly not.​

The timid little Bonsly is cowering at a distance from me, but when I try to approach it it flees in a panic.

So as Ashenlock alluded to, I'm emulating this game on the PC and the clumsy keyboard controls make it hard to approach the darned thing stealthily. The fix to this is to increase the resistence/drag on your controls to maximum so that no matter how hard you push the "forward" key down, your movement will be grounded to the speed of a depressed snail on the way to an appointment they'd rather avoid. Slowly, I shuffle over to Bonsly, each step taking approximately the half-life of an atom.

But just as I'm about to grab the damned thing off the floor and stow it in my backpack...

...my PDA goes off.

Eh. I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere.

Who emailed me, then?

PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No.
​

Well, I technically "found" the Bonsly, so that's that. This place was a delight. Seriously. I was not kidding about wanting to live here.

On my way out, however... I run into a bunch of bald guys and their Gloom.

Well when I googled you the only result I got was "Team Cipher's bitch"​

The three guys talk some smack about how they're going to be really powerful and successful or something, and when I don't believe them they decide not to fight me. Very wise.

...instead, they decide to simply use Gloom's Sleep Powder to knock me out!

Holy crap. Even more wise. Love me some competent villainy.

I wake up some time later in the top deck cabin. The guy who lives on the SS Libra tells me that Team Snagem knocked me out and left me there - but more importantly, they took the Snag Machine. Well, it's not like I was really using it, but still. Probably best to get it back, I can only imagine it was rather expensive.

The bloke tells me that apparently Team Snagem took off to someplace in the northeast that might be connected to Cipher, so that's where I go.

WOW. At the north end of a sheer canyon stands an immense, gloomy pyramid of glass, suspended above a lake of poisonous-looking chemical-tainted water. Is this Cipher's base of operations? If so, points for style.

Sure enough, two of the Team Snagem goons I encountered earlier are trying to get in - but the mean guy Jovi bumped into in Gateon Port is there, standing guard. I watch from a distance as he pulverises them.

A stiff and rather hapless fellow named Biden suffering a defeat to a thickset, thuggish blond. Let's hope this isn't indicative of anything in particular.​

Team Snagem flee and Zook spots me, informing me rather cruelly that he recognises me. He challenges me to a battle and sends out his famous gender-fluid Zangoose which, lacking the Snag Machine, I cannot attempt to capture. I wasn't going to anyway but it's just nice to have the option. His team is pretty darn tough despite my level advantage, and his Zangoose's Shadow Rush does a tremendous amount of damage to Jerry before I bring it down. Luckily, the others are much easier to pick off - Doduo and Carvanha crumple like wet tissue paper, though Seviper manages to poison Jerry before it falls, forcing me to heal.

Despite my victory, there are two even bigger and burlier guys guarding the front door and so I can't get in. Dammit. I kind of want to see if Cipher have any jobs going.

My PDA goes off again. Ugh, what now?

Right, right. Someone else needs my help. Got it. Back to Pyrite Town we go.



Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 38 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Aurora Beam
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 35 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Helping Hand
Thundershock

 

[Suspicious Derivative]

Cool challenge! I had no idea that XD at some point intended to let the player start with Vaporeon and Jolteon. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way in the end as I really like the way they set it up in the final game, where you are given one Eevee that you can evolve into whatever you want. And if they had gone with Vaporeon/Jolteon, poor Flareon would have been very sad since it would have missed out on all the fun!

I have played through XD three times, but I think the last time was in 2007 or something, so this is a very nostalgic callback. There's a lot I have forgotten about the game, reading this challenge has reminded me of a lot so far. And there's a cool coincidence here: the first time I started playing XD was on Christmas Day in 2005, exactly 18 years and one day before you started this challenge!

I never thought about how original Snattle's goal is, can't remember anything about that from when I played XD. Guess I was too young to care about such specific character details back then (and I had no idea what a governor was either). Anyway, I agree with you, it is a very unique goal for a Pokémon antagonist. Snattle is really cool. On the whole, I am a big fan of all the Cipher Admins, both here and in Colosseum. All of them are memorable characters with great designs.

I am also a big fan of the S.S. Libra. A giant ship stuck in the sand, that's really cool. Yet it is sad at the same time since the ship was stolen and dropped in the desert, the music contributes to this even further.

Great progress so far, and good luck with the rest of the challenge! I'll follow along until the end.

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Cool challenge! I had no idea that XD at some point intended to let the player start with Vaporeon and Jolteon. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way in the end as I really like the way they set it up in the final game, where you are given one Eevee that you can evolve into whatever you want. And if they had gone with Vaporeon/Jolteon, poor Flareon would have been very sad since it would have missed out on all the fun!

I have played through XD three times, but I think the last time was in 2007 or something, so this is a very nostalgic callback. There's a lot I have forgotten about the game, reading this challenge has reminded me of a lot so far. And there's a cool coincidence here: the first time I started playing XD was on Christmas Day in 2005, exactly 18 years and one day before you started this challenge!

I never thought about how original Snattle's goal is, can't remember anything about that from when I played XD. Guess I was too young to care about such specific character details back then (and I had no idea what a governor was either). Anyway, I agree with you, it is a very unique goal for a Pokémon antagonist. Snattle is really cool. On the whole, I am a big fan of all the Cipher Admins, both here and in Colosseum. All of them are memorable characters with great designs.

I am also a big fan of the S.S. Libra. A giant ship stuck in the sand, that's really cool. Yet it is sad at the same time since the ship was stolen and dropped in the desert, the music contributes to this even further.

Great progress so far, and good luck with the rest of the challenge! I'll follow along until the end.

I feel like at this stage it's been less of a challenge and more of a "here's me telling a story" sort of run, since the beta starters are so ridiculously overlevelled in comparison to how the final Eevee started off. So far I've only had significant difficulty with two or three opponents, all of them major bosses. I wonder if I should have perhaps modified the levels, but wanted to recreate them faithfully as the game code shows. This will probably change by the end of the challenge though, a lot of the boss fights on Citadark Isle will probably be quite tough. Still, it's been fun to replay XD with some additional spice.

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 7

This is a familiar feeling: I head back to Pyrite and talk to Nett, or... er... Bitt. Or possibly Secc. Anyway.

It turns out that one of the scientists working in Cipher's Shadow Pokemon factory escaped and managed to smuggle a Pokemon out with him. Regretting his actions, he contacted ONBS and told them all about what was going on.

...he's not here, though. He's all the way on the other side of Orre, at a remote place called Outskirt Stand. If he was so scared of Cipher, why didn't he get the hell out of dodge and get as far from them as possible?

Anyway, it falls to me to go and speak to him. I head out across the desert again (I must be getting hella cooked by all this time in the sun, right?) and eventually come to a distant gas station out in the middle of nowhere.

Nice place. It looks like someone repurposed a broken-down old train. Orre might be a dusty dump for the most part but there's some goddamn impressive architecture going on.

Suddenly the Miror Radar goes off, and when I check it...

Hey, there's right where I am now!​

Sure enough:

Yeah, but I'd still like to join Team Miror B if the position's available.​

Miror B catches sight of me and decides we have to battle. He's not gotten all that tougher from before, though his multiple Lombre and Ludicolo do manage to painfully sting Tom with their Grass attacks before going down. He also has a Shadow Nosepass which I can't snag, but it's fine because it's an easy kill with Water Gun.

Once I've beaten him, Miror B and his followers flee and I'm able to head inside, where I meet up with the ex-Cipher scientist, Hordel.

Hordel tells me the tragic tale of how he decided to go and work for Team Cipher and only realised after signing up that he'd have to torture innocent creatures. Seriously, my heart bleeds for you. But he has with him a Pokeball containing a Shadow Pokemon - Togepi - and asks if I'll take it with me and purify it. I mean, I can put it in the PC for a while. Best I can do, really.

I let slip that Team Snagem took my Snag Machine and Hordel says I should try going to their hideout to get it back.

Team Snagem and Cipher really do live right next door to each other, huh? What weird placement.​

Well, it's a plan for sure. I leave, but am accosted by some weird schlub named Rider Willie who really wants a battle. Um, sure...? He's got some pretty cool battle music but unfortunately his team sucks, so he's demolished with ease.

After dropping Togepi off in the PC, I arrive at Snagem's hideout. Which is, to put it bluntly, a wreck. If I didn't know better I'd say it looks as if someone bombed the place years ago and no-one bothered to fix it up.

Inside it's even messier. I try and slip quietly through but unfortunately it's stuffed full of Snagem goons, all of whom insist on fighting me. Unexpectedly, they all have fairly diverse and somewhat strong teams, and I have to head back to the entrance to heal before I finally break through to a spacious and rather handsome office on the second floor.

Upon arriving in said office, I find myself face-to-face with an impossibly burly man with a scarred chest, striking mustachios and astonishing eyebrows - this is Gonzap, Team Snagem's boss! W-well, hello sir. I'm... I'm here to... no, I've lost my train of thought.

Gonzap laments that the Snag Machine is too small for his incredibly-well-developed arm, and instead makes me an offer: if I join Team Snagem, we could steal all of Cipher's Shadow Pokemon and supplant them with Snagem.

Well, I'm on board. I find it highly doubtful Team Snagem's leader could be half as charismatic and physically imposing as you.

I say yes in good faith, but Gonzap accuses me of lying to him. Hmm.

​

Instead, he challenges me to a battle!

Well. There's a shock.

He opens with Electrode and Nuzleaf. Not too threatening a pair, but Nuzleaf gets in a cheap hit with Fake Out and stops Tom from doing anything, while Electrode uses Spark on Tom and paralyses him. Thankfully, Jerry's Double Kick sees off Nuzleaf. Next out is Vileplume. Should be an easy kill with Aurora Beam, but Tom fails to attack and gets hit by Giga Drain while Electrode survives a Double Kick and uses Sonicboom on Jerry.

Annoying. I use Jerry's next turn to use a Hyper Potion on Tom - this means I have to take a Spark from Electrode and suffer Vileplume using Sleep Powder on Jerry, but Tom at least manages to pull off a successful Aurora Beam, bringing Vileplume to low health. I call Jerry to wake him up as Electrode uses Sonicboom on Tom and Vileplume... uses Hyper Beam on Jerry?! Fucking ouch. Jerry survives, though with 3 HP remaining, and Tom successfully finishes off Vileplume. What a mensch.

Gonzap sends out Whiscash in its place. Hmm. What to do now. I use Jerry's turn to heal it and go for a Bite on Electrode with Tom, but unfortunately full paralysis once again kicks in. Completely free to attack, Electrode uses Spark on Tom and Whiscash uses Rock Tomb on Jerry.

Right, so now I need to heal Tom. Argh! Deciding Jerry's unparalysed state is the best option, I use Double Kick on Electrode and manage to knock it out while I heal Tom - but Whiscash goes for broke and uses Hyper Beam on Jerry, doing a tremendous amount of damage. Thankfully it fails to KO.

Gonzap sends out Skarmory. Right, this should be workable. Taking advantage of the free turn offered up by Whiscash, I strike Skarmory with Thundershock, not quite managing to KO but landing a respectable hit nonetheless, and heal Tom once again. Skarmory, unimpressive foe that it typically is, uses Swift for a laughable amount of damage against both guys - the following turn, it's taken down by another Thundershock, and Tom lands an Aurora Beam on Whiscash after getting hit by Spark. Now it's 2v1. I can definitely do this. Come on, boys. Sure enough, a combination Double Kick and Bite is enough to spell Whiscash's doom.

Hey, look at that, an actually somewhat-tough fight! I'd missed those.

I expect Gonzap to throw an angry tantrum once I've won, but... he actually laughs and says he respects my strength. Recognising that I've been fighting against Cipher this whole time, he says that Snagem shouldn't be getting in my way and just straight-up gives me the Snag Machine back. Oh, cool. Cheers.

Apparently Snagem are going to back my play, and assist any action I take against Cipher. Aw, jeez. Are you guys... actually really cool?

Well this is a better deal than any interview I've ever had, so apparently yes they are.
​

After giving me access to a couple of free items, Snagem send me cheerily on my way. Well, that was... really nice. And we've got the Snag Machine back! All's well that ends well.

Since Gonzap told me to head to the Cipher Lair, I make a beeline for the place. Zook is still in place at the entrance, and reacts angrily to me turning up once again.

Why does every other scene in this game feature beefy muscle-bound men threatening a young boy with the pounding of his life?​

Since I've got the Snag Machine back, I'm able to snag his Zangoose... though I don't, because it's easier to just faint it and have it flee after the battle. His team is as weak as before, and goes down just as quickly.

Defeated once again and with his Shadow Pokemon lost, Zook decides that he's failed too many times for Cipher to forgive, and departs the Orre region for good.

Keep a sharp eye out for Zook's cameo in the Borginto region in Gen XIV!​

The two guards at the main gate are still there, and I'm readying to fight them when there's a shout from behind me and Team Snagem run up. Before anyone can move, they use the selfsame trick they pulled on me and have Gloom incapicitate the guards with Sleep Powder. Wow, it's fun watching this being done to other people. ...is the message I'm meant to take away from this moment, I think.

Into the factory I go, then.

It's a gloomy, shadowy sort of building, filled with eerie-looking devices and sinister implements. In the main room on the ground floor is an immense production line upon which massive boxes are being conveyed back and forth... what's in those things exactly? Pokeballs? Uncaptured Pokemon? Shadow goop?

Anyway, I... argh! Before I've hardly taken a few steps, a Cipher Peon drops down from the ceiling. Can't you morons just stand on the floor like normal people? The first peon I encounter unprecedentedly has two Shadow Pokemon on their team, but it doesn't make them too much tougher.

Thankfully, despite what one might assume, the place's layout is pretty straightforward and I'm able to head to the upper floors without too much confusion. But the Cipher Peons keep coming at me and though I'm able to fend them off, some of their teams are pretty bulky, with most featuring evolved Pokemon. I get poisoned a couple of times, and find myself running back to the helpful healing machine on the first floor more than once. On the very top floor is what appears to be a laboratory with a couple of scientists inside - after beating them up, I find a strange device on one of the tables and pocket it.

Finally, though, I emerge onto the rooftop where the point of the great glass pyramid enveloping the structure comes to a head above us. It's surely a marvellous view, though there's little time to acknowledge it. A scientist is stood at the highest point of the building examining a complicated-looking machine. When I speak to him he says he left a system lever in his office downstairs - oh, you mean this thing? He thanks me for delivering it to him and then engages me in battle as a reward. Rude.

Yes, this thing. Apparently putting the system lever in place allows you to raise the facility's voltage to a level that will blow the place up. Seems like more than a little bit of a design flaw, but let's roll with it.

Boy, destroying the big, scary, killing-machine-producing factory really was easier than expected.
​

Raising the voltage causes a series of explosions to go off throughout the factory, and a door on the side of the rooftop structure suddenly opens. Hmm, what's this?

...oh. It's Gorigan's office.

Nice place.

Please refer to my earlier comment about beefy men and poundings​

Understandably, Gorigan's pretty mad that I basically waltzed in under his nose and blew his facility up. Yeah, I think this one's on you. Unforgiveably careless, really.

But you can't reason with a half-ape, can you.
He sends out his first two Pokemon, Lairon and Sealeo. Well, I can take these losers...

...oh, apparently I can't. Lairon cunningly Protects against Jerry's Double Kick, and Sealeo shrugs off Bite to unleash a surprisingly brutal Earthquake attack, which dents both my guys intensely. Ah yes, the classic Earthquake/Protect combination.

Okay. Gotta play this one carefully. Rationalising that Lairon won't Protect twice, I heal Jerry and have Tom strike it with Water Gun. It almost takes it down but not quite - Sealeo uses Body Slam on Tom, paralysing it, and Lairon responds with another Earthquake, which at least takes a chunk out of Sealeo. But now I need to heal Jerry again.

I figure Lairon will Protect this turn, though. So this time Sealeo gets targeted - Jerry strikes it with Thundershock, successfully bringing it down, and Tom's turn is used to heal Jerry back to full strength. Perfect.

Gorigan sends out Slowking in Sealeo's place. Damn, more bulky Water-types? No thanks. Jerry strikes Lairon with Double Kick and scores a KO; that's the good news, as Tom fails to attack after getting struck by Slowking's Headbutt. Ursaring replaces Lairon, and Protects as Slowking survives Jerry's Thundershock and lets rip with yet another Earthquake. Aaaaaggggghhhh. But Tom manages to overcome paralysis and hits Slowking with a wickedly effective Bite attack, though it survives this too.

I need to heal Jerry again because another Earthquake from either foe will be the death of him. But I also need Slowking dead. Jerry gets the KO with Thundershock and Tom's turn is used to heal it: this means Ursaring strikes with Earthquake, but not before Gorigan has sent out his Shadow Primeape which takes an enormous amount of damage from it. Ha!

I need to take Ursaring down more than Primeape so target it with Double Kick, but annoyingly it Protects again (this time for no reason). Primeape uses Shadow Rush on Tom and this proves too much in conjunction with all the Earthquake damage: Tom faints.

Arrrrrggggghhhhhhh. Okay, what to do, what to do. I should just revive Tom right away, I suppose. Jerry isn't going to OHKO Ursaring with Double Kick and it'll just Earthquake again. I revive Tom and instantly send him back out: Primeape and Ursaring deluge Jerry with Shadow Rush and Slash, but fortunately he survives.

Both boys back on the field, but with compromised HP - now what? After some thought, I hit Ursaring with Double Kick while healing Tom; Tom takes the hit from Slash while Jerry gets hit with Shadow Rush again.

Do I... do I just catch Primeape? Would that be easier? It's already taken damage, after all. You know what, screw it. It's the last fight of this area. Targeting Ursaring with Double Kick again, I throw a Great Ball at Primeape and successfully get the capture. Double Kick succeeds in finishing Ursaring, and Gorigan sends out his last Pokemon - a Shadow Hypno. Well, it's 2v1 again, loser. Tom has Bite and Jerry has... well, Thundershock will do. It takes two turns, but Hypno's Shadow Storm isn't enough to finish me in the meantime.

Damn. Two boss fights, and both of them actually quite intense. Scratch what I said about this run being easy until Citadark Isle.




Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 41 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Aurora Beam
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 40 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Helping Hand
Thundershock

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 8

So we just defeated Gorigan, and he cries and snivels like the monkey-baby he is. He calls me every name under the sun and makes a disgraceful show of himself, but suddenly the TV screen behind his desk flicks on of its own accord.

​

It's... um. It's...

Uh... barely. Did you always have bare arms? It's a good look on you tbh.​

It's Mr Verich, Gateon Port's favourite billionaire! And in a shocking twist, the billionaire is evil.

I mean, it's certainly aged well.

Mr Verich - or Greevil, as he actually appears to be called - compliments me for being such a powerful trainer. He never imagined I'd be able to destroy Cipher's Factory, but it makes no odds: he has withdrawn to Cipher's true base, Citadark Isle. It's a craggy, volcanic island off the coast of Gateon Port, and a famously inaccessible place thanks to the vicious currents caused by frequent whirlpools in the vicinity.

Fun fact: it's actually on the map, though you'll never be able to see it without modifying the game's camera. No clue if this is meant to accurately represent the island's distance, but Bulbapedia seems to think that Citadark Isle corresponds to the real-world Isla Ángel de la Guarda, which is a comparable distance and apparently also rather volcanic.​

Greevil dares me to come to the island and challenge him in person, if I can survive the churning waves. Damn, that sounds like quite the extreme sport. Since you asked, I might just do that.

...how, though? We've no way to cross the sea. Apparently HM slaves are not a thing in the Orre region.

Gorigan departs with a final snivel, so I figure I may as well get out of here. When I reach the ground floor, though, I hear a commotion going on nearby. Whassup?

The two workers on the shop floor tell me that a strange man broke in and stole a Shadow Pokemon - as a matter of fact, the very last one they'd managed to produce. When pressed, one of the men says that the thief was a tall man with strange, round hair resembling a Pokeball. Hmm, do I know anyone like that?

Dude, spoilers!​

At a loss as to how to get to Citadark Isle, I head over to Gateon Port and look out across the bay, pondering my options. It's a beautiful day and the sea is bright and sparkling, but Citadark Isle is so far distant I can't even see it.

...hmm? What's THAT?

​

Parked by the dock is some sort of robotic craft that bears more than a passing resemblance to a mythical Pokemon I once read about, Kyogre. A... Robo Kyogre, one might say. Wonder what it's for.

The guys at the Machine Shop might know, so I pop inside to ask them.

Oh. Sorry.​

I ask Makan about the craft in the bay, and he tells me it's Dr Kaminko's prototype Robo Kyogre that he inherited after the failure of the Robo Groudon.

Call me an irrepressible thrill-seeker.​

Makan apparently has no concern for the Robo Kyogre's wellbeing, so he allows me to ride it out to Citadark Isle even though it could well get smashed up and sunk by the rough currents around it. (Wouldn't flying there be simpler?) On your own head, matey.

I ready myself to leave but get a message on the PDA from Professor Krane. Oh hey, long time no speak.

Free stuff? Sure.​

I arrive at the Lab and find Krane, who leads me into a secret room!

Is having a basement really that surprising? Surely it's the fact that it was a secret that's the real shock. Sorry, being pedantic.​

I'm a little nervy at the prospect of a strange old man leading me into a dingy basement. I'll let you imagine all manner of gross jokes. Krane tells me he's proud of me, that I'm a fantastic trainer, that all of Orre is in my debt for taking on Cipher, that I'm the best thing since sliced bread... you get the gist. To prove it, he then leads me to an item box tucked away in the corner and bids me to open it.

Sweet, an actual good reward for a change!
​

With this, he assures me that I'll be well-placed to face down even Team Cipher's strongest Pokemon. Ha. We'll see.

Right, final preparations... excuse me a moment while I go and buy a metric ton of Revives and Hyper Potions. Luckily, having not bought much of anything throughout my travels, my purse is nice and fat and I'm able to splurge to my heart's content.

♫Dee-dee-dee-dee, off to beat up some bad guys♫​

Despite all the talk of dangerous choppy currents and impassable waves, my trip to the island is about as smooth as can be, and I arrive at the main dock in fine fettle. Just in time to see a massive contingent of Cipher Peons entering the main facility. I'm probably going to have to fight every single one of those losers, aren't I.

I've barely time to enjoy the view, as an initially friendly-looking sailor compliments the design of the Robo Kyogre and then challenges me to a battle. Talk about hair-trigger. He has a surprisingly beefy team of bulky Water-types and not one but two brutal Shadow Pokemon in Golduck and Sableye, but I prevail and send him packing.

There's an elevator leading upwards and out of sight, but it won't open, so my only option is to head into the main complex via the one other entrance.

It's a rather gloomy, dank-looking chamber, poorly lit and full of transparent pipes through which some viscuous, bubbling fluid is being transported. I'm hoping it's just water. A few grunts are loitering in here: most prove no bother, but one guy has an unexpectedly brutal Shadow Raticate, which survives Jerry's Double Kick and KOs it with Shadow Rush. After healing up, I make it to the elevator in the centre of the room, but am stopped short by a familar face.

Lovrina appears to have gotten no less pouty and petulant than the last time we crossed paths, and insists that my intervention made Master Greevil angry, which made everyone sad, which made her upset.

She then brags about her proudest creation: the super-powerful and un-purifiable Pokemon she designed for Greevil.

"So I took him round the back and showed him my XD001..."​

But this time, she's super-serious about defeating me. Bring it on.

Lovrina starts off with Gardevoir and Gorebyss, which is by far and away a massive improvement on her previous opening combination of Beautifly and Luvdisc. Sure enough, Gardevoir heroically tanks a Bite from Tom and strikes back with Thunderpunch, inflicting paralysis on it, while Gorebyss clings on after being hit by Jerry's Thundershock and hits Tom with Attract.

Not to worry. Jerry promptly sees off Gorebyss next turn, and Lovrina sends out Roselia. Tom predictably fails to attack and Gardevoir hits Jerry with Psychic, getting a Special Defence drop into the bargain. She's got all the luck on her side.

Tom is best-placed to take care of Roselia with Aurora Beam, so it falls to Jerry to deal with Gardevoir. Hmmm... it has about 50% HP left so I rather doubt Quick Attack will be sufficient. Instead, I opt for Thundershock, which it completely shrugs off - Roselia gets in ahead of Tom and inflicts it with Leech Seed before Aurora Beam seals its icy doom.

With Roselia fainted, Lovrina sends out the first of her Shadow Pokemon - Farfetch'd. Oh, that's terrifying. No, really. Jerry promptly nails Farfetch'd with Thundershock, but before Tom can finish off Gardevoir with Bite it strikes Jerry again with Psychic, causing it to faint. Oh, goddammit.

Tom gets the KO, and Lovrina sends out her final Shadow Pokemon, Altaria. Now, that's an easy kill with Aurora Beam, but I don't want Jerry to miss out on the experience - he's been lagging behind Tom all playthrough. On the other hand, reviving him would just waste a turn. Oh, choices. Fuck it. Altaria uses a rather underwhelming Shadow Break, and Tom retaliates with Aurora Beam, sending it down.

Phew. How embarrassing to lose a Pokemon to this lady. I mean, her whole thing is being passive and not attacking directly.

I quick heal and head into the elevator, emerging in a basement laboratory area where a bunch of blissfully non-combative scientists are milling about not doing much.

What vicious waves?​

This room's pretty uneventful and I pass through without issue, right until I hit the elevator at the exit.

​

This guy has another bulky monster in the form of a Shadow Kangaskhan, and a slightly less bulky monster in the form of a Shadow Banette. Both hit like trucks, though - Banette goes down after a couple of Bites, but Kangaskhan shrugs off three of Jerry's Double Kicks and manages to KO it with Shadow Rush. Menace!

Luckily, I'm far from out of Revives. The elevator takes me to an inner chamber through which broad rivets of lava are flowing, giving the place a dim, eerie red-orange glow. It's strangely beautiful -

Agh!

This dropping-from-the-ceiling-with-no-warning gimmick has gotten so old by now I can't even work up the energy to say anything novel about it.
​

Through a tunnel there's another inner chamber where two guys are lying in wait to bar my way to another elevator.

Um... sure. Anyone else go to school with two incredibly joined-at-the-hip heterosexual jocks who were just really, REALLY close friends? Mmmyeah, I'm reminded of that right now.​

Like all people in codependent relationships, these two guys use a Hitmonchan and a Hitmonlee respectively. Hitmonchan is incredibly unthreatening, but Hitmonlee uses a nasty attack I've never seen before - Shadow Half, which cuts every Pokemon's HP in (wait for it) half. Thankfully, it's forced to recharge on the following turn which means I can comfortably ignore it and finish taking down Petro's other Pokemon.

The next elevator leads me out of the hot caverns and out onto the mountainside, where floating platforms soundlessly slide back and forth. What a curious design choice. Seems like an accident waiting to happen, Cipher must be constantly getting hit with injury-at-work compensation claims.

...what am I saying, they're a criminal organisation. Why would they be worried about obeying the law?

For my thoughts on this, please refer to my previous comment regarding the dropping-from-the-ceiling-with-no-warning gimmick​

Shouldn't have gotten greedy.

Take note, anyone who made a Pokemon game after 2005: THIS is how you render a Wailord in-battle.​

God, this place is huge. I'm starting to flag a little. At least both my boys are still conscious. I restore them to full HP and continue in a weird, psychedelic-coloured lab area with some curious holes in the floor. Two more Cipher Peons attack - one with two irritatingly bulky Electric-types that relentlessly target Tom and a fatass Shadow Lickitung that takes all manner of punishment before dying, and the other with a Shadow Scyther and Chansey. Thankfully, the latter two are easily-dispatched. It's kind of hilarious seeing even an Intimidate-dented Double Kick comfortably take Chansey out. See you in hell, you pink blob.

This appears to be the last main area - the exit elevator takes me upwards, and out onto the heights of Citadark Island's central mountain. Nestled in the bowl of the volcano's crater is a huge, imposing domelike structure - that's gotta be where Greevil's hiding out.

Right, I'm all limbered up now.​

But there's another elevator a few feet from me, and it opens up to reveal - oh HEY! It's my favourite guy!

Yep, it's big bad snappy dresser Snattle. He waltzes out in all his stylish aplomb and catches sight of me.

Oh heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.​

He doesn't seem too pleased to see me, though.

I'd love to let you. Seriously. To me, you are perfect.​

But, y'know, the script is the script and unfortunately I have to fight him seriously.

Oh hey look, it's my avatar!​

As promised, Snattle's team is every bit as tough as it was last time.

He leads off with Quagsire and Metang. Quagsire shrugs off Tom's Aurora Beam and strikes Jerry with Mud Shot, while Metang barely takes a scratch from Jerry's Double Kick and hits back at Tom with Psychic. Urgh. Tanks, the both of them. Maybe I should be piling on each of them in turn. With this in mind, I gang up on Quagsire and take it down with a combined Aurora Beam and Double Kick. Excellent. But Metang apparently was who I should have been going after, as it hits Tom with Ice Punch and freezes him.

Arrrrrrrgggghhhh. Is the RNG stacked against me or something?! Well, this is Pokemon, so probably yes.

I decide not to chance it and use a Full Heal on Tom straightaway. Snattle has replaced Quagsire with another annoyingly bulky Steel-type: Scizor. It uses Silver Wind on Tom, thankfully not getting a boost: I opt to use Thundershock on Metang this time, and it hits back with Psychic. Now Jerry's on painfully low HP. Really better heal again. Metang's on low health, though - posssssibly in KO range. I use Jerry's turn to heal and use Bite with Tom, successfully clinching the KO. Scizor strikes Jerry with Slash, getting a critical hit. I keep thinking "maybe I'll paralyse it" when foes hit me, forgetting Jerry has the useless (for this run, anyway) Volt Absorb and not Static.

Snattle opts to send out the first of his Shadow Pokemon - Solrock. Eh. Tom should be able to deal with that without too much difficulty. I hit it with Water Gun, doing just over 50% damage while Tom hits Scizor with Double Kick for phenomenally unimpressive damage. Solrock responds by setting up Shadow Sky. Much as I'd rather not be taking damage every turn, at least it'll punish his non-Shadow mons too. Scizor strikes Tom with Slash. Argh, now I need to heal Tom. Whose turn do I sacrifice...?

After a moment's thought, I use Jerry's turn to heal up Tom and hit Solrock with Water Gun again. Scizor uses Silver Wind again, this time on Jerry: please no stat boost please no stat boost please no - all good.

The second hit causes Solrock to faint, and Snattle sends out Castform next. Cute. No, really, it is. Jerry should be able to take it down. I hit it with Double Kick, doing just shy of 50%, and strike Scizor with Aurora Beam, hoping for a lucky Attack drop. No joy. Scizor hits Tom with Slash, getting a critical hit, while Castform hits Jerry with a freaky Shadow Weather Ball. And now I need to heal both my guys. Bah. After spending a turn healing them both and eating two more hits, I decide to switch targets. Tom goes for Water Gun on Castform, clinching the kill, while I opt to use Thundershock on Scizor - unimpressive damage again, but one more hit will KO.

Snattle sends out his final Shadow Pokemon and team member, Starmie. Let's finish this.

I'm determined not to give Starmie too much room to move, so double-target it with Thundershock and Bite. Starmie is faster than Tom (most things are) and hits both Tom and Jerry with an impressive Shadow Storm - but two attacks is more than it can take, and it goes down. And Scizor gets another critical hit with Slash on Jerry - but it doesn't matter, as next turn one more Thundershock ends the match.

Okay, definitely not the easiest fight. But at least no-one fainted. Snattle declares that I ruined his perfect plan and runs away, crying out for Greevil to forgive him. Sorry. Still think you're the best. Call me?

Okay, time to enter the dome. But as I draw closer, I spy someone standing guard outside the door: Ardos is there waiting for me, a look of grim determination on his face.

Well, I've taken down a few other Cipher Admins today. How tough can he be? Chest puffed, I get ready to approach him. I'm just... just gonna quickly teach Tom Blizzard, though. And maybe give Jerry the Leftovers I happened to pick up on the SS Libra earlier. Just... you know, just to be safe.


Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 45 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Aurora Beam
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 44 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Helping Hand
Thundershock

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 9

I want to be snide and say no, but you are, frankly, one of the coolest people in the world.​

If I'm going to enter the big dome, I need to defeat Ardos. And I get the sense it's not going to be an easy fight.

He sends out the powerful Alakazam we saw him use all that time ago in Gateon Port, and a Shadow Swellow! The latter is faster than either of my team members and promptly sets up Shadow Sky. Even though there's no tutor with those moves in Orre, Ardos is a nasty cheater who has an Alakazam with a full set of elemental punches, and it strikes Tom with a super-effective Thunderpunch. Jerry hits Swellow with Thundershock... and it comfortably survives the hit. Argh. Really need to find the Thunderbolt TM if one exists in this game because boy do I need a better Electric move.

But all is not lost! I used the TM14 I collected earlier on Tom prior to the battle, and he promptly fires off a Blizzard... missing Swellow, of course, but striking Alakazam for some not-insignificant damage. Well, that's something. One more hit and Swellow's down - though it hits Jerry with a surprisingly powerful Shadow Break before it falls to a second Thundershock. This means that Tom - after enduring Alakazam's Psychic - is able to hit Ardos' incoming Kingdra with Blizzard, getting a lucky freeze. Nice one. At least I don't have to catch his Shadow Pokemon - I can knock them out quickly and not have to endure more turns of punishment than I absolutely must.

But the combined Thunderpunch and Psychic, as well as two turns of Shadow Sky damage, have taken their toll and I badly need to heal Tom. Thinking things over, I use Jerry's turn to apply a Hyper Potion and go after Alakazam with Tom's Bite. Alakazam hits Tom with Psychic again, but Bite does enough damage to bring it down. I was counting on Kingdra being frozen to give me some much-needed breathing room, but unfortunately it unfreezes and hits Jerry with Dragonbreath, paralysing it. The perfect time for Ardos to send out Heracross.

Nothing I can do can hit this thing that hard. I use up my last Full Restore on Jerry and have Tom use Blizzard again, praying like mad for another chance freeze, but it misses Kingdra and barely scratches Heracross, who uses Megahorn on Jerry and knocks it out.

Well, shit. Kingdra uses Ice Beam on Tom, thankfully barely leaving a mark.

Have to hope Tom can weather two hits as I revive Jerry. It survives a Brick Break and a Dragonbreath, though narrowly. I need to heal Tom now, but I also need to bring that damn Heracross down. I hit it with Thundershock, doing a paltry amount of damage, and heal Tom to full health. Heracross uses Megahorn again, this time leaving Jerry with a sliver of health - but Kingdra finishes the job with Ice Beam.

Rinse and repeat, I guess. After reviving Jerry once more, I hit Heracross with another Thundershock. This time Heracross hits Jerry with Brick Break while Kingdra goes for Tom with Dragonbreath. Okay, both guys alive - time to pile on and bring that Heracross down. Jerry uses Thundershock once again and Vaporeon uses Water Gun; Heracross KOs Jerry again with Double-Edge, but Water Gun finishes it off. Ardos responds by sending out a lolloping Shadow Electabuzz.

Well... at least it can't use Electric attacks against me. But its Shadow moves are just as bad. I revive Jerry as Electabuzz uses Shadow Half. Goddamnit! At least Tom's still able to survive Kingdra's next hit - barely, though. And I'm running low on Hyper Potions.

Electabuzz has to recharge now, though. Need to make full use of that. After a moment's thought, I decide to strike Kingdra with Tom's Bite - it's low enough on HP that I think it just might KO. Jerry's turn is used to heal Tom to full health, and I have a blessed bit of luck as Kingdra uses Hydro Pump but misses, subsequently falling.

Ardos' last Pokemon is Snorlax. Urgh. With its only attacking move being the monstrously powerful Shadow End, this thing is bound to slaughter me. Jerry has Double Kick, but he's too low on HP to survive. Gah, is it worth healing him? I decide not and go all in with Double Kick and Bite. After Jerry lands his hit, Electabuzz uses Shadow Storm and Jerry falls. Snorlax manages not to flinch and uses Shadow End on Tom, cutting its remaining health in two. Another Double Kick will kill it - if I can get Jerry in position. I use a Revive and Tom heroically takes both Shadow Break and Shadow End, falling to the latter.

Do I revive Tom...? No. Better just to kill Snorlax and hope I can take whatever Electabuzz hits me with. Jerry uses Double Kick and gets the KO - and Electabuzz uses Shadow Break, which Tom just about survives. Okay. Two Hyper Potions left. I'm going to chance healing Jerry up and then go for a Double Kick - it might just work. Electabuzz uses Shadow Storm as I heal, and Double Kick brings it within range of a KO - and I'm faster, so I can do it. A second use of Double Kick seals its defeat.

Aaaaaaaaand breathe. Oh my lord, that was a horrific battle.

Cheesed by my improbable win, Ardos furiously denounces me and leaves. Well, into the dome. I'm sure there'll be a conveniently placed healing machine right inside.

​

But Greevil and his other son are there, too. Greevil taunts me by saying that I can't possibly be allowed any further, and proves it by activating a giant glass wall to cut me off from the rest of the room.

...you know, I feel like a Machamp with Strength could definitely get through this. Or, maybe... a hammer.​

Anyway. As predicted, there's a healing machine. Oh, sweet. I heal up, but realistically I cannot go on until I've made a brief detour back to the mainland and stocked up again. After heading down the elevator and fighting an annoyingly-placed Cipher goon, I dash back to Orre proper and buy a ton more healing items.

Right, so... it seems like there's another way into the dome. To the left of where I fought Ardos is another elevator, which leads down into a tunnel overlooking the laboratory where all the scientists are at work pretending to create vicious ocean currents that don't actually exist. Oh, but it won't open. Too bad.

But as I walk away... the elevator shudders into life and a familar face emerges. Oh no, not YOU.

It's the ape himself, Gorigan.

Look, do I really have to whup you again, so soon?

Well, prepare to be disappointed once more...​

Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 45 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Blizzard
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 45 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Helping Hand
Thundershock

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 10

Ready to fight Gorigan again, I tense and thank the good lord in heaven I remembered to heal before he showed up. Gorigan lets out a guttural ape-like bellow and throws his first two Pokeballs, opening the match with Slowking and Ursaring.

Okay. I can handle these two no problem. As I learned last time, the key to fighting Gorigan is to predict which of his two Pokemon will use Earthquake and which will use Protect. It's probably going to be Ursaring for the latter, since Slowking doesn't know Protect.

I'm right, of course, and Ursaring shields. But as powerful as Slowking might be, it's also... get this... very slow. Jerry's Thundershock and Tom's Bite pile on to it, and though it doesn't fall it's left with a shred of health and in prime position to be taken down next turn. It'd be nice if I could take it out before Ursaring uses Earthquake and have it strike its incoming partner...

...but that doesn't happen, as Ursaring instead uses Slash on Jerry after he takes Slowking out. Makes sense really. Slowking can't defend itself so why would you EQ it needlessly. Aggron gets sent out to replace Slowking: Tom uses Blizzard, striking both foes, but it's not a particularly effective hit on either of them. Shame, that.

Aggron's another Earthquake user, though, so I think we can expect Ursaring to Protect again. Luckily, Jerry has Double Kick! It may not be enough to break past the big metal dinosaur's titanic defences, but Tom is ready to mop up with Water Gun and Aggron goes down like the trainwreck its cry makes it sound like. Boom. Walrein is the next Pokemon Gorigan plumps for, but I'm ready - it uses Ice Beam on Jerry, but this time I go after Ursaring and a combination Double Kick and Water Gun is enough to take it out too.

Gorigan sends out his first Shadow Pokemon: Poliwrath. Urgh. Luckily it's not too threatening, but it is quite bulky - I don't think it'll go down quickly. Sure enough, it shrugs off Jerry's Thundershock - but astonishingly Walrein uses Earthquake, dealing a tremendous amount of damage to Jerry in return. Poliwrath follows up by setting up Shadow Sky. Well, at least that'll punish Walrein for existing. But now I need to heal. Jerry's Electric attack, weak though it do be, is the only weapon I've got right now so I use up Tom's turn to heal Jerry while striking Poliwrath with another Thundershock. It's still barely enough, but Walrein helpfully decides to hit Tom with Double-Edge, which thanks to Tom's massive HP hurts it almost as much as it does me.

Okay. I reckon a Double Kick might just take Walrein out - or another Thundershock will do the same to Poliwrath. Who do I prioritise? After a moment's thought I go for Poliwrath and manage to knock it out. Please use Earthquake, Walrein... but as Gorigan sends out his second Shadow Pokemon, Mr Mime, Walrein disobligingly uses Ice Beam on Jerry instead. Oh, well. Tom's Bite will help out against Mr Mime, and now I should be able to finish off Walrein. I bring it down with Double Kick, but Mr Mime strikes both my boys with Shadow Storm, knocking Jerry out. Arrrgggh.

Not even going to bother reviving Jerry (sorry, dude). Tom still has plenty of fuel in the tank, and two Bite attacks are enough to send Mr Mime packing.

Gorigan, like so many others, has a tantrum and storms off after making some empty threats.

Yeah we get it, you're a monkey, please find a second character trait
​

Right, and now to head into the dome through the only other entrance! This I promptly do, and Greevil is dumbfounded that apparently no-one thought to seal the one other door.

​

He scarpers to the upper level, but his other bodyguard - Ardos' red-garbed doppelganger who apparently goes by the name of Eldes - says that he will take care of me. He seems reluctant, though, and tells me that if we battle it'll just be meaningless and unfulfilling. Wow, I think you just described two out of my last three marriages.

But I've never let the prospect of something being unfulfilling stop me before, and I won't start now. Eldes sends out his first two Pokemon: a Ninjask and a Shadow Manectric!

As immediate a threat as a Shadow Pokemon might be, I'm inclined to be more concerned about the Ninjask. If I don't take it down quickly, it could easily spiral out of control. Well, Jerry could demolish a Ninjask quite easily, but that Manectric might well have Lightningrod. Hmmm... after a moment's thought, I go for the unusual step of using Helping Hand with Jerry and having Tom use Blizzard. Manectric sets up Shadow Sky while Ninjask strikes Tom with Silver Wind - it's pleasingly weak, though, and Vaporeon's boosted Blizzard cuts through both foes, dropping Ninjask in one and leaving Manectric with a passable amount of HP.

Eldes, though, is clearly not playing around - he sends out his next Shadow Pokemon, a mighty-looking Salamence. Well. Looks like we're going to be needing some more Blizzards around here.

I don't want to give Manectric any opportunity to use the devastating Shadow End, so I go for a Double Kick with Jerry and do almost enough damage to bring it down - but unfortunately it clings on. It promptly uses Shadow End, doing a massive amount of damage to Jerry. Salamence, however, has a bark far worse than its bite and uses a rather underwhelming Shadow Rush on Tom. Lame, and Tom's ready with a countering Blizzard - it strikes both foes and brings them both down.

Oh, excellent stuff. Eldes sends out a Flygon and a Shadow Marowak. Hey, looks like we're going to be needing some more Blizzards around here. Again.

Jerry is in dire need of healing so I focus on that. Flygon uses Crunch on Jerry, thankfully not doing too much damage as Tom lets off another Blizzard - it hits Flygon but misses Marowak, who lashes out with a monstrously powerful Shadow End that knocks Jerry out. Shit. I fumble with my items and quickly revive it as Eldes sends out his final Pokemon, a Shadow Lapras. Marowak's Shadow End fails to knock Tom out so I opt to spend the next turn healing Jerry to full health - it may just survive a Shadow End at full health but I need to bring that Marowak down. I don't even go for Blizzard again - Water Gun is the only option here. It does enough in conjunction with the recoil Marowak inflicted on itself to KO it, and I breathe a sigh of relief as it falls. What a beast. Lapras sets up Shadow Sky, looking for all the world like a great tank.

It's two against one though, Nessie. A combination Thundershock and Bite is sufficient to get it almost to half health - its Shadow Storm is powerful, but I'm not worried. Another turn of damage brings it almost to fainting and finally Jerry's third Thundershock finishes it off.

Whew. Two hard fights, but I prevailed. And now we're ready for the final challenge.

Eldes acknowledges my power but tells me I have no chance of beating the Grand Master. Well, I'll take that bet if it's all the same for you.

After healing, I gird myself and prepare to take the elevator up to the top floor.

Yo.​

Greevil seems pleased that I've managed to fight my way to him, and decides I'm worthy of hearing his "James Bond villain speech". He gleefully tells me that making Shadow Pokemon immune to purification was only the first stage in his master plan - the subsequent stages are yet to come, but it's not hard to figure out what exactly they entail.

oh god don't get me started, people are the WORST
​

To that end, Greevil decides to summon his most powerful Shadow Pokemon to crush me once and for all.

Is it Shuckle? I bet it's Shuckle. It should be Shuckle.

Ohhh right no yeah it's Lugia, that does actually make more sense
​

The shutters of the dome open to reveal a monstrously-altered dark Lugia, hideous and demonic in aspect.

​

The poor creature. I feel a great swell of pity for it as it looms ominously over me. Christ alone knows what they did to it to make it so twisted and evil. For once in my life, I should do the altruistic thing and save it. I've got my Master Ball with me, after all.

No wayyyyyyy​

Psych.

Yeah, no. I'm not taking the easy way out here! I'm not in this challenge to actually, like, CATCH Shadow Pokemon. How dumb would that be?

​

Lugia lets off several high-powered Shadow Blasts, but even the bulkiest tank cannot stand up to more than a few Blizzards and Thundershocks, and it quickly succumbs.

Catch you later, I guess. ...literally.

Greevil becomes hysterical at the idea that his beloved Shadow Lugia could lose to anyone and, utterly enraged, vows to crush me himself. I was expecting you'd say that.

Let's do this, shall we? One last bout before the end.

Current team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 47 (Male)
Helping Hand
Water Gun
Blizzard
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 46 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Helping Hand
Thundershock



Eevee-in-Vaporeon pin by SewManyTeddies on DeviantArt

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Part 11

Made an old man angry at me. Or, as some people call it, "had a conversation about politics on Twitter"​

Time to finish this.

Greevil challenges me to battle, displaying some hitherto-unguessed acrobatic skills, and sends forth a Shadow Rhydon and Shadow Moltres.

Well, Moltres is pretty darn threatening, but Rhydon will definitely be the easier kill, so may as well start with that. I also can't risk using Thundershock until it's down in case it has Lightningrod. Jerry uses Double Kick on Rhydon, but Moltres responds with an utterly devastating Shadow Fire, almost knocking it out. Thankfully, Tom is faster than Rhydon and finishes it off handily with Water Gun. Greevil sends out a Shadow Exeggutor in its place.

I'd like to attack directly with Jerry, but he needs to be healed. So with Jerry's turn I heal and select Blizzard with Tom - Moltres strikes Jerry again with Shadow Fire, undoing the Hyper Potion I just used, and Exeggutor pointlessly uses Shadow Hold (though I ain't complaining).

Unfortunately, Blizzard misses Exeggutor and only strikes Moltres, doing some rather unspectacular damage. Darn it. I'll have to rinse and repeat, it's the only way forward. Moltres uses Shadow Fire on Jerry again, and Blizzard hits both foes - getting a freeze on Moltres, but only bringing Exeggutor down to half health. But Exeggutor finally springs into action and uses Shadow End on Jerry, dealing a large amount of recoil to itself - but knocking Jerry out.

Well, damn. But at least Moltres is frozen and will hopefully remain so. It galls me to have to devote my sole turn of action to reviving Jerry, but I've no choice - and at least he's guaranteed to return to the battlefield in one piece as opponents can't target him this turn. In theory, at least - because Exeggutor uses Shadow Storm and gets a hit on both team members. Starting to dislike this dumb tree.

But it's fine. I'm in prime position now. No need to use Blizzard again this time - instead, Jerry uses Thundershock on Moltres, doing almost enough to knock it out, and Tom finishes Exeggutor with Bite. Sweet.

Greevil sends out a Shadow Tauros in Exeggutor's place. Thankfully Moltres has remained frozen throughout, but I'm very wary of it unfreezing at any moment. After thinking carefully, I decide to finish Moltres with Thundershock and launch another Blizzard with Tom to hit whatever comes in next. Moltres falls while Tauros sets up Shadow Sky rather than attacking directly (I'm grateful) and Blizzard hits the Articuno Greevil sends out as well, doing a decent chunk of damage to both foes. Could be worse.

Unfortunately Jerry has no prospect of living through the next hit from either Tauros or Articuno. Thinking it over, I opt to heal Tom while Jerry strikes a last-ditch hit; it's faster, so no sense wasting that. Jerry hits Articuno with Thundershock and then promptly gets taken down by Tauros' Shadow Rush - Articuno uses Shadow Chill on Tom, who manages to tank it heroically. Reviving Jerry means Tom taking two more hits, which it also tanks, though barely.

But I reckon I'm onto a good thing here. Revive Jerry, attack while healing Tom, revive Jerry, attack while healing Tom. As long as I don't run out of items, I'm good. I strike Tauros with Double Kick before falling, and now both it and Articuno are in range for Blizzard to KO.

Oh. Out of PP. Luckily I have a few Ethers still. The trouble is finding the time to use one...

Sod it. Next time Jerry's revived, rather than attacking I waste his turn restoring Tom's PP. Then it's revive Jerry again and... okay. Both guys good to go, in front of two weakened foes. But Jerry can get rid of Tauros with Double Kick before Tom uses Blizzard, and that way I can hit...

...the Shadow Zapdos that Greevil saved for last. Well, Blizzard does hit Zapdos, though it misses Articuno. Luckily, Shadow Sky ended on the previous turn and Articuno chooses to set it up again rather than attack. Okay. I can do this. Articuno is in range for Thundershock to kill it - I just need to hit Zapdos with Blizzard. Jerry gets the kill on Articuno and Zapdos hits it with Shadow Rush, knocking it out. Come on, Tom... and Blizzard connects. Zapdos falls, and we've done it.

What a brutal fight. I should have brought X Items. Or grinded, like, ten more levels.

The ending plays out, with Greevil threatening to blow up Citadark Isle and his sons arguing over the merits of such a plan. I really love the way this game ends, it's one of the better ones by far IMO. And Ardos and Eldes are just so. damn. cool.

A statement Ardos will flatly contradict quite shortly after this, but that's not this scene's fault.​

I depart and take the Robo Kyogre back to the mainland, and the whole of Orre unites in celebration that Cipher's threat is abated. Even the sky joins in, parting the clouds around Citadark Isle and raining glittering drops of light over everyone to get in on the happy mood.

There is no frickin' WAY Citadark Isle is this close to the mainland. You literally have this exact view from the pier in Gateon Port!​

I return to the lab, where my family are there to greet me.

Oh fuck, not YOU. Can I please go back to Citadark Isle?​

And then... apparently everyone I've encountered on my journey comes to the lab for a party. Or at the very least, a photoshoot.

​

I guess this means Team Snagem are officially good guys now? Yeah sure, why not. Jovi's here and she's much more evil.

Case in point.​

So... I'm done with my quest.

Or not! After all, I still have to mop up all those Shadow Pokemon I neglected to catch throughout my travels. And that'll take some time for sure, since Miror B hoovers up almost all of the Shadow Pokemon you don't catch. Well, I can catch the few that don't flee after battle, but for the rest... I'll have to basically run around Orre in circles until the Miror Radar goes off. Like, a lot of times.

After waking up and getting a message from Eagun, he challenges me to a battle outside. His Pichu fall like dominoes, but his Pikachu and Raichu are unexpectedly mighty and quickly demolish me with Thunder. Luckily, I have ample Revives left over from my expedition to Citadark so I'm eventually able to outlast him. He babbles something about me coming to a place called Orre Colosseum, but I've got better things to do. Byeeeee.

One quick trip to Gateon Port later and I've collected the Shadow Poochyena and Ledyba available there. Two down, eighty-five thousand million to go, I guess. I head to a location with a large traversible area - the Cipher Key Lair - and literally do run in circles for ten minutes until the Miror Radar goes off. He's at Pyrite Colosseum, so in I go. The trainers there are laughably weak and it doesn't take me long to snag the Spinarak he's got.

Oh yeah, I can get the Hexagon siblings' Shadow Pokemon, too...

...whoa, these guys suddenly got tough! I'd forgotten they jump up to the 50s after you beat the game for the first time. Still, there's a healing machine nearby and eventually I'm able to snag all six of their evil kneevils.

I shan't bore you with the long, long, long tale of my subsequent journey across Orre, in which I put in more miles than a long-distance runner. Every time the Miror Radar pings, my heart leaps. When once Miror B had not one but TWO Shadow Pokemon, I felt pure elation! Finally, after encountering him nearly sixty times... I'm done. It takes more than a week but at last, I am done.

With 65 Shadow Pokemon captured, I head back to Citadark Isle and take on Greevil once more. This time, I'm not duelling to kill - but I'm a fair bit stronger than before, and the (Shadow) storm is much easier to weather. After a fierce, gruelling bout, I snag all six of his Shadow Pokemon... and, of course, Lugia.

Well, that's all of them, right? With all the Shadow Pokemon snagged and taking turns in the Purify Chamber, I can kick back and relax. I know! Let's take a trip to a local seaside resort. I think I've earned some time off...

​

...hmm?

Oh.

Pineapple party?

I emerge onto the rooftop of the Lighthouse to find Miror B and his underlings hanging out.

Ummmm, okay

Yeah, my bad.​

Miror B catches sight of me and declares me the one who wrecked all of his plans and ruined his ambitions to take over the world. He also declares me the one who genocided all the Shadow Pokemon.

Don't worry, if I've learned one thing from watching Doctor Who it's that being the last of your kind is rarely a permanent state of affairs
​

Furious, Miror B engages me in battle, sending forth five jovial Ludicolo and one less-jovial Shadow Dragonite.

Thankfully, however, I've saved my Master Ball - and I can't think of anything better to use it on.

Miror B's team falls before me, and he and his underlings finally realise that their plans of world domination are all for nothing, fleeing the lighthouse in dismay and trashing the Miror Radar in the process. I used to think that when they fled the lighthouse, it meant that they were fleeing Orre forever, and would vanish from the game. Which, let's be frank, would be very sad.

But it's okay! They're still around. Where, you may ask? The Krabby Club. Evidently, Miror B decides that dancing is his real passion, and opts to spend the rest of his days bopping and grooving to Razell and Dazell's music. It's a nice resolution for him, I guess. I think one can argue that he definitely did a lot to earn a happy ending.

Anyway. Speaking of hard work... I've got one last task to do.

One Shadow Pokemon left to purify. I could just drop it into the Purify Chamber and let it tick over while I get on with my life, but where'd be the fun in that? No, I worked hard for this Dragonite, and I think it'd be a nice conclusion to the Shadow Pokemon saga to do it the old-fashioned way.

And so it is that some time later, I come to Agate Village and take a trip down to the Relic Forest. As I approach the cool, moss-streaked old Relic Stone, it seems to gleam with a soft green light beneath my fingers: the Master Ball on my belt begins to shake with anticipation. We're ready. I press the button and watch as the last Shadow Pokemon in Orre opens the door to its heart, reverting back to the gentle beast it once was before Cipher's machinations took hold.

​

Time passes. My road eventually takes me to Orre Colosseum, to do battle with the world-class trainers who do battle there. At one point, I find myself back at Realgam Tower where I briefly fall victim to a Battle CD addiction, emerging victorious as the master of them all. I even give Battle Bingo another go. Orre is at peace once again: the savage events of the past few years fade into legend, soon to become a lurid tale told of some far-distant country on the other side of the world.

Eventually, I find myself on the dusty slopes of Mt. Battle, where so many trainers have been before. Perhaps, in another life, I even scaled these heights. But it's time to tackle it for myself. With my two trusty partners, Tom and Jerry, at my side, I begin the fabled 100-trainer challenge and emerge as the unbeaten champion - not once, not even twice, but a mighty three times over. Humbled by my prowess, the mountain's chieftain - Battlus - grants me a kingly prize: three immensely special Pokemon given only to a trainer who can raise them with loving care.

With three new team members by my side, I feel a swell of optimism. These three little guys are simply brimming with potential, and I'm sure they've got all sorts of adventures ahead of them, in Orre and perhaps beyond. Perhaps my journey's not over yet.

Fin​

Final team

Vaporeon (Tom)
Relaxed Nature
Level 68 (Male)
Acid Armour
Hydro Pump
Blizzard
Bite

Jolteon (Jerry)
Serious Nature
Level 67 (Male)
Quick Attack
Double Kick
Shadow Ball
Thunder

 

[Suspicious Derivative]

Congrats on completing the challenge! It was fun to follow as always.

I feel like at this stage it's been less of a challenge and more of a "here's me telling a story" sort of run, since the beta starters are so ridiculously overlevelled in comparison to how the final Eevee started off. So far I've only had significant difficulty with two or three opponents, all of them major bosses. I wonder if I should have perhaps modified the levels, but wanted to recreate them faithfully as the game code shows. This will probably change by the end of the challenge though, a lot of the boss fights on Citadark Isle will probably be quite tough. Still, it's been fun to replay XD with some additional spice.

Fair enough. I assume you didn't want to start with Vaporeon and Jolteaon at lower levels since they were supposed to be at higher levels in the beta?
And many of your battles in the late-game did end up pretty difficult, it was fun to read the battle logs and see how you came up with different strategies for how to win.

Also, did you really go through the entirety of Mt. Battle three times to get all three Johto starters, and in just a few days? If so, then that's extremely impressive. I wish I had that much free time... I got all three Johto starters on one of my XD files when I was younger, but it took a lot of time.

 

[QuentinQuonce]

Congrats on completing the challenge! It was fun to follow as always.

Fair enough. I assume you didn't want to start with Vaporeon and Jolteaon at lower levels since they were supposed to be at higher levels in the beta?
And many of your battles in the late-game did end up pretty difficult, it was fun to read the battle logs and see how you came up with different strategies for how to win.

Also, did you really go through the entirety of Mt. Battle three times to get all three Johto starters, and in just a few days? If so, then that's extremely impressive. I wish I had that much free time... I got all three Johto starters on one of my XD files when I was younger, but it took a lot of time.

Yeah, I was going for as unmodified an approach as I could so I kept them at the intended levels. Which worked out alright as I mainly just tried to skip as many battles as I could and ended up more or less adjusting to the level range of opponents by the lategame.

I did indeed! Being able to speed the game up helped a lot. It's been more than a few days since I actually finished playing, I wrote the logs of the run up a while back but didn't get around to posting a lot of them until recently. As mentioned it took just over a week (on and off) to generate enough Miror B encounters to get all the Pokemon I missed. Will not be doing that again...