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Comedic Rant Thread

Just rant about stuff, the catch is that it can’t be anything serious, like no politics, religion, or anything of the sort. Purely comical rants only. For example,
There are these soap dispensers, that for some reason, look like automatic dispenser. BUT FOR SOME UNGODY REASON, they require you to push a little flap thing to dispense the soap! I cannot tell you how many times I have put my hand under them, and expect them to dispense the soap, and it doesn’t come out! I think to myself, “Well maybe it’s broken?” Then I realize OH WAIT ITS ONE OF THESE FUCKERS AGAIN! So I push the little flap, feeling like an idiot.
 
why the FUCK has SWISS MISS have 2 bags CONNECTED LIKE THEY ARE CONJOINED TWINS, like fuckin ell i wanna enjoy my sub-par hot chocolate and these motherfuckers really hate everyone because every time resedue from the hot chocolate SPILLS OUT INTO MY FUCKING FLOOR and I have to clean it out, after the hot chocolate is spilled out, you can finally enjoy your sub-par hot chocolate.
 
why the FUCK has SWISS MISS have 2 bags CONNECTED LIKE THEY ARE CONJOINED TWINS, like fuckin ell i wanna enjoy my sub-par hot chocolate and these motherfuckers really hate everyone because every time resedue from the hot chocolate SPILLS OUT INTO MY FUCKING FLOOR and I have to clean it out, after the hot chocolate is spilled out, you can finally enjoy your sub-par hot chocolate.
-Sam O’Nella Academy flashbacks-
 
Alright, you probably have seen this. It's a diagram that is supposed to show the primary colours, and also which ones have clear contrast:
1624725263935.png

This is absolutely terrible, and I'm astonished we teach this to out children. Heck, it goes worse than that. We tell kids this pack of lies, then give them everything they need to prove it wrong and just handwave away when reality doesn't match this delusion. No, the mix of yellow/red/blue isn't just dark brown because I didn't mix it correctly, that's just what this sham of a system produces. This awful chart says a lot about how we think about our children's education.

If I wanted to, I could decry this piece of junk as discriminatory. It clearly shows red and green as opposites, implying that they have a lot of contrast between them. In reality, many people find that pair specifically hard to distinguish. As bad as that is, I don't need to virtue signal to point out any of the other flaws in this.

Not only are they using an inferior system, they aren't even getting their "primary" colours correct. They just stole two of the actual primary colours to give themselves a fake veneer of legitimacy. They knew that Cyan and Magenta are obviously not terms we have evolved to apply to primary colours, so they substituted them out for Red and Blue. Now Cyan I could live with being primary, many cultures had only one term for both blue and green because life is bad at making blue. But the designers must have known how illegitimate magenta is to sweep its founding presence under the rug. How illegitimate is magenta? Look at this:
1624724809111.png

This is all the colours we can see. Notice something? Magenta isn't here. It doesn't exist. It's completely imaginary. Magenta is just your brain failing to understand what red and blue without green is like. There's no way a model would be accepted if something that artificial was at its foundation, so the model was just disconnected from reality and allowed to continue its course. We have printers in every house nowadays that use the actual main colours of pigment, but this delusion continues.

Let's get back to contrast. You might be asking "how do 2/3 of the pairs actually contrast correctly if the entire setup is fake?" It's just smoke and mirrors, like everything else here. It's not related to how colours mix at all. Half of the colours (the "warm" ones, because it's not like higher frequency means more energy or anything like that) are simply brighter than the other half. Go back to the diagram, and look at how it's 255 red but only 175 green, and how it uses the much deeper violet over the actual mix of red and blue. We had a better system for contrast based on brightness back in the middle ages: you could contrast any colour with 2 or more full (actual) primary colours present with any colour that had 1 or less. Admittedly, they lacked the technology to make effective cyan or magenta pigments, so they just had white and yellow in the 2+ category. I'm just going to state this again: our system to recognize contrasting colours has regressed since the 1400s.

I hate this stupid circle so much.
 
I saw this thread and you know I had to post this:

sighs Mega Banette is THE MOST overrated mega evolution in the game! You guys, this is a mon that has 64/75/83 defenses and 75 speed - it has GARBAGE stats across the board! Yes, I know, this has 165 attack, but that means nothing because 85% of the time this is just gonna die before it can do anything! Now, let's look at its ability. Prankster. Great. If this was back before it didn't affect Dark-types, I might've seen a valid argument for Mega Banette being somewhat decent, but now that Prankster does not affect Dark-types, Mega Banette is usually not able to do anything to them before it dies. And the worst part is, this doesn't have ANYTHING relevant to hit those Dark-types, so it just hard loses to EVERY Dark-type. The fact that it has 165 attack but absolutely nothing to utilize it means it's locked into Prankster Destiny Bond, a strategy that is just so easy to play around not only because of the aforementioned fact that Dark-types exist, but also because on the highest level of competitive pokemon, NOBODY is going to fall for that strategy! Most of the time when you see teams with Mega Banette, not only do you win, you 6-0 them with ease! Don't get me wrong, its design is impressive, but the number of factors that have to go right and VERY rarely do is so high that Mega Banette has not and will never be worth using in a high-level tournament! Also, let's not forget too that this takes up a WHOLE MEGA SLOT, so you are basically dedicating an entire item slot to an utterly worthless pokemon! Like, there are SO MANY better options for mega evolutions on your team! You got Mega Latias, Mega Medicham, Mega Mawile, Mega Scizor... hell, even Mega Latios and Mega Diancie, maybe even MEGA GARDEVOIR of all things are better options than this worthless piece of shit based on by the way the WORST non-mega Ghost-type in existence, Banette, who carries a lame as fuck design and extremely abysmal stat spread. And it's appropriate because this is the WORST mega evolution in the game! You know what no I'm going to stick this in cremation station tier I don't even care​
 
COYOTES FUCKING SUCK
Coyotes are the least interesting animal, ever. Like when have you ever heard someone say that their favorite animal is a coyote? Never! They are less interesting wolves, that is all they are. I will actually be surprised if someone can tell me one unique thing about coyotes. Like look at this dumb canine
9B6969A5-3FD5-45BF-B7F0-5ED9EDDB4A42.jpeg

it looks like a shitty fox! Like for real, why do these need to exist? They’re kinda smart, but it doesn’t matter cause they eat small pets. They will eat basically anything, but like so do raccoons and almost any other street animal. There is nothing remarkable about them whatsoever.
 
There are 2 main eating utensils. Spoon and fork. They have been combined into possibly the best invention ever, a spork. The spork is a perfect creation, beating both the spoon and fork in usefulness. It can be used for both liquids and solids. People have attempted to combine it with a knife, to create an inferior creation named the splayd. Now think. Have you ever seen a spork in a so-called "fancy" restaurant? Why is it so rare in these places? It is clearly better than both the spoon and fork when made correctly, yet it is not a mainstream utensil. It is an EXTREMELY useful tool and should be used everywhere. Why is it not? It uses fewer resources to make than 2 different silverwares. It would cost less for the people making it and buying it then. It would also create less plastic waste, which most companies are concerned about. Yet NO ONE uses them in restaurants. None except like, KFC, which isn't the best for the public image. The fact that this is our best showing is sad, and I NEED to know why people don't give the spork enough credit.
 
Reposting my Dr. Oz rant from 2016 because the next generation of posters needs to know how much I hate this guy

phoopes said:
I swear to god there's no celebrity I hate more than Dr. Oz. How this dude is still on TV I'll never know. Like real life doctors have complained/filed a lawsuit/something to get him off the air because he spouts utter nonsense and garbage advice all the time. Swear to god if you watch his show every single show he recommends some different supplement to take for whatever needs you may have. Yeah this is fine and all but it feels like literally every time he recommends you take something else. If you took every supplement he recommended you take you'd be popping hundreds of pills a day. That shit ain't right. Especially when he talks about how good it is to have "natural" foods or whatever. Yeah he's probably right on that, I'll give him that. But fuck me, every time he talks about "superfruits" or "superfoods" I want to shoot myself. Yeah some foods are healthier than others. But there's no such thing as a "superfood" that will make you magically healthy. He says super misleading shit like that all the time. And I swear to god his favorite adjective has got to be "super." Because my mom watches the show religiously and he mentioned one time that there are some people out there who have more sensitive tastebuds than others. And he called them "supertasters" and gave like a three to five question quiz or something to determine if you're a "supertaster." And these questions were like "are you extra sensitive to spicy food?" and stuff like that. Stuff that half the population could answer yes to. But by golly my mom answered yes to all five questions so now she won't shut up about how she's a "supertaster" at every other meal. This shit has been going on for years. "You know Dr. Oz told me I was a supertaster so I can really taste the cinnamon in this." Fuck. Anyone could taste the cinnamon in this applesauce. It literally says "cinnamon applesauce" right on the jar. And of course Dr. Oz had to mention that you could have other "supersenses" too so my mom is a "supersmeller" as well. Shit is so dumb. Probably the dumbest thing I've ever seen on television is when he was trying to explain how the digestive system works and he literally had this woman go on a slide that represented someone's asshole and she popped out the end representing poo. Like come on everyone knows poop comes out the butthole, you didn't need a woman going down a slide to show that. Honest to god I don't know how he gets away with such a low quality product. Fucking Oprah owns him. Oprah put out some high quality shit but all her minions (Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Rachel Ray) are just a steaming pile of shit when it comes to quality television. But Dr. Oz is the worst of all because he's actually posing as a serious medical doctor and some of the shit he's put out has been blatantly wrong. It could actually affect the health of people dumb enough to tune into his show every day. Fuck. Put me in a steel cage with Mehmet Oz and I'll fuck him up.
 
obligatory not today, but it happened 2-3 years ago when I was in Spain.

I go to some shoe store to, well, buy myself some shoes from there (duhhh). I try out some and find a pair that I like and find comfortable. I go to the checkout so I can pay. Then the girl that was working there took my shoes and went to a backroom and came back with their box.

I go back where I was residing and then I open the box and...

...

I notice that I was given two different shoes. And on top of this, neither of the shoes were the ones that I actually bought. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(but anyways, I eventually went back to the store and got them replaced, so yay).
 
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