Judge a Pokémon: Hoopa
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Introduction
skylight
It's time to judge. Welcome to the next issue of Judge-A-Pokémon (JAP), the place where Pokémon deemed to be too 'ugly' are brutally ripped apart by words—cold, harsh words. For this JAP, we have two new panelists, Jellicent and Weebl, and we're joined by JAP veteran RODAN. We're analyzing Hoopa, the scary gypsy-like creature introduced in Generation VI. I really don't want to look at this thing much longer, so without further ado, here's this issue of JAP.
Hoopa
Jellicent
This thing is a perfect mix of adorable and dreadful. It resembles a four-year-old brat trying desperately to get your attention, as if it's pulling down on your sleeve to force you to acknowledge it. The wicked little glint in its eyes shows it's not going to quit nagging until it gets its way, so you might as well give up now and save yourself the aggravation. Despite that, there's something inherently cute about Hoopa, which I imagine is the only reason why trainers would subject themselves to this pint-sized terror.
Weebl
Hoopa is clearly the pinnacle of a mischievous rascal. Imagine that you're watching Hoopa do some sick acrobatics, throwing a ring up from one of its horns, having its arm fly up and catch it, and doing backflips all the while. But this is no show—Hoopa's real purpose is to screw with you. While you're in awe at Hoopa's moves, its other arm zips over to you and throws a ring around you. Now you're stuck there, unable to do anything but look at that stupid grin. And when you think that's it, Hoopa comes over and trips you, and then it flies away, leaving you trapped in a ring. Side note: I imagine Hoopa's mode of transport as spinning in the direction that it wants to go, like one of those helicopter seeds.
RODAN
Hoopa is a little fuck—the look on its face is just so absolutely dickish. You can tell it was put on this earth to be a little shitter. I really do not like Hoopa at all; this is the logical conclusion of the tiny fae-like Pokémon archetype. They aren't out of ideas per se, but the design is just super bland, and the color scheme is depressing as all get-out. It needs some brighter pastels that play into its mischievous nature a little better instead of the drab grays. If I had to compliment one thing about Hoopa, it would be nothing—I have nothing good to say about this guy at all. Even its name is fucking dumb; where's my ridiculous pun? You really dropped the ball on this one, Game Freak...
Hoopa-U
Jellicent
What the hell just happened to Hoopa? The first thing you notice about this monstrosity is the freaky swarm of arms floating around it. For some reason, one of the arms seems stuck inside of its body, which is somehow even more unsettling. The body itself is riddled with gaping holes that reveal nothing but bleak darkness on the inside. Its face looks weirdly like Latias cosplaying Ganondorf under a head of hair that'd make the dude from Ancient Aliens blush. I was utterly repulsed until I imagined it dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies".
~If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it~
Weebl
So Hoopa-U gained four more arms—one of them apparently didn't want to join the party—a bigger ponytail that looks more like a flower bud than an actual hairdo, and... some jester shoes. Who the hell would hire this monstrosity as their jester? Anyway, it seems like the mystery of where Hoopa got all its rings has been solved—the giant hole in its chest must lead to some ring factory. Hoopa-U is tall and dark, but certainly not handsome—at least it would be unbeatable at basketball. I think Hoopa-U is one of the ugliest Pokémon to date. Though I must say that the whole hexagonal chest and detachable arms thing is pretty cool. Just get rid of all the bling. And the jester shoes.
RODAN
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND! Hoopa-U is super fucking cool. From the gaping hole in its chest, to the ridiculous floating arms, to the huge random-ass dinosaur jaw, this is a Pokémon I would have designed in third grade during an indoor recess. It's everything child RODAN finds cool in one ubermonster. The best part? Hoopa's shitty ass color scheme really pops on this ridiculous thing, as it adds contrast to the uber macho design with its pinks and pale greys. Honestly, I just love this thing, even if it's not nearly as cool as like 50% of the other Pokémon.
Conclusion
skylight
For some reason, people like Hoopa, apparently. I personally think they're crazy, but to each to their own. Oh, I guess you're wondering what's coming next. Too bad; you've just gotta wait.
Side note: It's Halloween soon, isn't it?
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