Challenge The Scramble Challenge - Mark 2

Inferno the Combusken
Level 33
Rock Smash, Overheat, Bulk Up, Ember

Bulk the Hariyama
Level 28
Bulk Up, Vital Throw, Fake Out, Arm Thrust

Conrad the Swellow
Level 28
Peck, Wing Attack, Endeavor, Quick Attack

Coil the Seviper
Level 22
Wrap, Screech, Bite, Poison Tail

After forgetting to solo Brawly with Bulk, I had to go back and do that again, although it was rather easy as I grind trained him until he evolved. After that, Wattson was a cakewalk with both Hariyama and Combusken chipping in. I got to Fallarbor, picked up Coil and was eventually feeling rather confident about the whole Scramble. But then, disaster, as I realised I couldn't solo Norman's gym to evolve Combusken due to my eventual Trapinch needing to beat three of the trainers in his gym in order to become Vibrava. With this in mind, I started concentrating on training Inferno so he could solo both Flannery and Winona, an obviously difficult task. With the help of X Attack, Flannery's Sunny Days and Rock Smash defence drops, I managed to beat Flannery second time round. On to Norman and then what may possibly be my most difficult Pokémon challenge of all time!

(Felix/Felicity will be filling in as my "starter" of sorts. Until I obtain him/her I will be using a Oshawott. Since I cannot obtain any other Pokemon prior to the Striation Gym, I'll need to catch random Pokemon I encounter to feed her Assists, since that's the only move she can use at first. As soon as I get the others all the Assist slaves will be boxed.)

EDIT: Jimera0, catch a Purrloin and name it Felix if male or Felicity if female.
This Purrloin, at an early age, found that battling is difficult without help.
She found herself relying more and more on her allies, even in the middle of battle...

From 0-2 gym badges, she can use only Assist. (Striation Gym may take a few tries...)

Determined to break the habit of perpetually depending on those around her, she decided to halve the amount of help she required.

From 2-5 gym badges, when she has an even number of health left, she must use Assist.
However, when she has an odd number of health left, she breaks the habit and cannot use Assist.

After slowly regaining her ability to battle by herself, she only turns to her allies in a pinch.

From 5-8 gym badges, when her health is in the red, she can only use Assist.

To show her newfound independance, have her solo Shauntal or Caitlin in the Elite Four.

After this solo, she flaunts in her self-sufficiency, so she can never use Assist again, nor be healed by healing items. (At least I'll always have Metronome for craziness.)
She must solo one of Alder's pokémon, to prove herself against the champion.

Good luck, Jimera! I tried to make a poke that would change throughout your scramble, so it will never get stale.
I look forward to seeing your updates. :) (Thanks this is going to be a fun challenge!)

Jimera, you get Random the Munchlax!!

Story found here (blood and gore warning! So much so.)

1). Trade egg over once you are allowed to trade. (Everyone is going to be traded like this except for Felix/Felicity)
2). Once Metronome is learned, the first 30 moves that are pulled will be what you can choose from to be placed in Random's moveset. Repeats are ignored. If Munchlax/Snorlax cannot learn any of those moves, well, tough luck. (Increased from 15 by request, because there are like, 500+ moves man. I'll probably be stuck with one move the whole game >.>)
3). Must solo one of the last four gym leaders in oder to evolve. One of the Gym leader's pokemon must be soloed using only Metronome. (Oh yeah, this will be fun. And by fun I mean torturous.)
4). Solo Cheren and Bianca once after the 4th gym. One of their pokemon must be soloed Via metronome. (Probably will evolve first.)
5). Solo one E4 member the first time and a different one the second time. (At least I'll be fully evolved.)
6). Choose one of Geetsis/Alder's pokemon to solo with Metronome.

7). If you have any questions or comments, I'll ba glad to help :P

Edit: I forgot the two most important rules of the Random Challenge >.> I was too into writing my story <,<

8). Max out Metronome's PP ASAP. (Challenge Rock + Anvil Town trader GO!)
9). Use Metronome first in any battle unless it is out of PP. (The fun! THE FUN! And poorly timed suicide moves, those too.)

Jimera, you get Damaged the Riolu. Now, this particular Riolu was transported from the Sinnoh region all the way over to the Unova region in its' egg, secured in a safe crate. But the plane it was in hit some turbulence, and the egg was damaged when the crates flew every which way. Now, when you receive the egg and it hatches, Damaged shows that s/he was seriously injured during his/her time in its' egg. (poor thing :() First off, s/he is quite clumsy, so s/he can no longer hold any type of items. (fine) Second off, the damage s/he received made his/her temperament quite hostile, so s/he doesn't get along with other Pokémon. S/he can't participate in a double or triple battle unless s/he absolutely has to, or s/he'll attack the partner Pokémon until they faint. (Note to self; keep Damaged out of dark grass) And lastly, s/he wants to prove that s/he's the best Fighting type around, so s/he must attempt to defeat any and all trainer-owned Fighting types. (Steel typing is going to be a curse instead of a blessing...) S/he believes the best offense is kicking the crap out of everything, but s/he somewhat understands about Status moves, so s/he begrudgingly learns one Status move, and keeps it forever (Sword Dance, GO! Not counting the ones s/he starts with when s/he hatches, as that wouldn't be fair). In order to evolve, s/he must defeat Lenora, and after evolution, s/he must solo Marshal the first time around. (Shit) In addition, because of his/her extensive damage, s/he can only use moves that are 60BP or less (Double shit), and every time it comes out, you must flip a coin twice because it easily forgets his/her moves due to its' brain damage. (SHITCEPTION!)

HH = Can't use move one
HT = Can't use move two
TH = Can't use move three
TT = Can't use move four

Have fun. O_O (Well I did ask you to make it harder...)

Story found here (Yes it's the same Healfodder!)

Take a Karrablast named Healfodder (YAY!)
He cannot use Physical moves until the later restrictions resolve (That'll be fun)
Optional Hard mode: "He must be switched in if you need to heal another pokemon." (Yeaaaah I think I'll skip this one. I will use him as Healfodder probably sometimes though to keep in the spirit).
He cannot be used in Chargestone Cave (Hardly a restriction)
After Chargestone Cave, whenever an opponent uses an item in battle against any of your pokemon, after said battle use that item on healfodder and add 20BP onto the max BP of physical moves you can use. up to a maximum of 100, where you can use all physical moves (so you can use megahorn, for example, if you breed it onto him) (Not a lot of trainers us items, so this is a pretty rough restriction actually).
To evolve, Solo a Shelmet after your max BP hits 100. (Yeah, really rough).
After he evolves, after an opponents pokemon faints in battle, he loses the ability to use Physical moves for the rest of the battle. unless during that battle he faints while healing another member of your team. (So after you revive him, he can use Physical moves for the rest of the battle.)
"Optional hard mode: Whenever anyone but him faints"(Alright I'll do this one. I'm going to pack a lot of Revives.)

Okay Jimera take Acrophobia (Meaning: fear of heights) the Ducklett. This thing doesn't know that it has dual-Flying typing.
It may not use any Flying attacks. (Looks like I'll be using a HM Slave)
Since it doesn't know it is part flying type it must not switch out of a battle with Rock Pokemon, Electric Pokemon, or Ice Pokemon. (Yeah, in "set" mode this is seriously nasty)
He is deathly afraid of Flying Pokemon, so he must switch out against any Flying-Types. (If I actually remember >.> <.<)
He decides to conquer is fear of heights by soloing Skyla. (I have worse solos...)
After its solo, it begins to admire Flying-type's grace, so he must learn Tailwind. (Sweet, that could be really cool)
After his solo, he does not have to switch out of Flying-Types. (YAY! I won't have to remember anymore!)
Make your play style Set. (I actually suggested this first :P)

What about Macho the Carvanha?
His name stems from his prominence both as a physical force and a relentless attacker. Since he is so macho and strong, he may only learn attacking moves! But due to his full-out effort put into every attack, he may only use each attack once, and must switch out to rest. Once switched out, you may switch him back in after at least three turns and you are free to continue his use (This only applies after gaining four attacking moves ASAP). Before Macho gains four attacking moves, he is lacking his full power, and as such can use moves as much as he wishes, and is not forced to switch due to fatigue. With his power comes a great ego and hatred of his rivals. As such, he wants to solo dark and water types, but only if they are equal or higher to his level. If he is denied the KO on a rivaling pokemon, his rage is unleashed, and he demands to KO a pokemon from the next available trainer. (Stacking, equaling the # of rivaling pokes he did not KO)

Full Restrictions:
1) Gain at any time.
2) Four attacking moves (any work, but gained ASAP) (Surprisingly, he has a lot of non-attacking moves by level up. TMs GO!)
3) Per switch-in, may only use each move once, and then must be switched out. (Applies only after learning the fourth move) (This'll be interesting)
4) Waiting period before switching back in. # of turns to wait equal to # of four moves used up to a max of four (Watch me fail at keeping track of the number of turns!)
5) Soloing of water and dark types that are of equal or higher level (Challenging!)
6) If Macho misses out on a water/dark KO, must KO a pokemon from next available trainer. (stacks) (accidental overleveling, GO! Also applies if he's in rest mode when a Dark/Water type pops up.)
7) Before four moves, unlimited use and no waiting period.(this period will be tragically short)
8) He has to solo Grimsley both times. The presence of so many rivals gives him a sudden surge of stamina that lasts to the end of the battle, but he cannot be used in the rest of the Elite 4 after the solo due to exhaustion. (added in response to dudemaniscools response to my question of what the hell to do against Grimsley).

Alright, let’s get this on the road. Hello Professor Juniper... can we get on with this. Why do you hold out your arm like that even after you throw the Pokeball. Are you a robot? Yeah I know about Pokemon dammit, let’s just get a move on. Yes I’m a guy, call me Jimera.
Juniper: “Well then. I’m going to introduce you to your two best friends!”
Dude, why would you need to introduce me to my best friends if they’re my best friends. And no, these are not my best friends. This is a stuck up twerp and a that’s ditzy brat. I want nothing to do with them.
Juniper: “I think you three are special, so I’m going to give you a very, very important Pokemon!”
Which I will dump in a PC box at the first opportunity. Thanks.
Juniper: “let’s go visit the world of Pokemon!”
It’s about motherfucking time you blabbermouth.

*so we start out in “my” room, despite the fact we’ll enter it at exactly two points in the game after this*
Oh and here’s Mr. Cocky, I mean Cheren. Let’s just pick Pokemon and get this over with.
*Bianca is late! What a surprise, I mean it’s not like she has only half a brain!*
Me: “Oh hey Bianca!”
Bianca: “HIIIIIIIII! I is the late hurrrrrrrr *drools*”
Cheren: “OMG HOW CAN YOU BE LATE YOU ASSHOLE RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!”
... am I supposed to like these people? Well at least they let me pick first. I’ll pick the derpiest one so I don’t feel as bad about ditching it later.
*Oshawott is obtained!*
Bianca: “Hurr hurrrrr let’s battle in ur room! Nothing could go wrong!”
Cheren: “YOU ARE SO STUPID! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!”
Fuck it, this isn’t really my room anyway let’s get it over with.
*Bianca nearly falls over sending out her Tepig*
Ah, coordinated too I see. I’d be surprised if you actually dress yourself.
*She can’t battle either, Oshawott wrecks her*
*BOOM suddenly there’s dust everywhere and when it clears the room is a mess*
I hate to say it, but Cheren was so right.
Bianca: “OOOoooOOOooo you’ll be a gr8 trainer hurr duuuuuur.”
Cheren: “YOU FUCKED UP THE ROOM OMG RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!”
*Cheren heals my Pokemon somehow*
... Where’d you learn to do that? Aren’t you like, 13 or something?
Cheren: “I AM THE BEST WE BATTLE NOW!”
*Yeah, no you’re not loser. Oshawott win!*
Cheren: “FUCK YEAH I’M A TRAINER NOW BITCH!”
Yeah whatever.
Digital Mom: “Oh the room, no problem, I’m the perfect stereotypical women and cleaning is all I do! I LOVE CLEANING! Now go see Professor Juniper :D”
Bianca: “Deeeeeeeerp... I’m supposed to go home first. Huurrrrrr...”
Digital Mom: “OH, I can heal Pokemon without items too! Yeah you’re the only one who can’t do that, now here’s an Xtransceiver, BYE!”
Right, I’ll head to Junipers now then.
Cheren: “OMG WHERE IS BIANCA SHE IS SO STUPID RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE! GO CHECK ON HER I’M TOO BUSY BEING AWESOME!”
*sigh* Fine I’ll go hold her hand.
Bianca’s Dad: “OMG NO YOU CAN’T GO! YOU’RE WAY TOO SPECIAL TO GO! Pleasestayillbesolonely...”
Bianca: “DUUUURRRR I CAN GO DUUUUR!”
Wow, that was so worth it. Juniper’s now please?

*We will return to incredibly flanderized characters in a moment after we enjoy this self-aware game dialogue*
Juniper: “Hi there! I’ve been waiting for you young people! Let me introduce myself again. My name is...”
Cheren: “Professor Juniper? We know your name.”
Juniper: “Come, come, Cheren! This is not a time to take things lightly. Today is a day to remember always, so it’s best to behave with some formality.”
So, that’s the reason I have to be introduced to people I should already know? Formaility? Are you going to introduce me to my own mother next?
*I skip all the other stupid dialogue because I’m sick of detailing every bit of it and you’ve all heard it already*
Alright nickname for my Pokemon I will use for 30 minutes then never again afterwards. It’s a female, derpy Oshawott... hmm... derpy... female....
*Oshawott was named Bianca!*
Perfect!
Juniper: “That’s such a great name!”
*trollface*
*so then Juniper explains about the Pokedex, and of course Mr. Know-it-all Cheren already knows all about it.*
Honestly, I do like how this game is self aware of its formulatic nature and tries to actually explain some of the reasons behind it. I just like making fun of Bianca and Cheren because I think they’re stupid :D.
*So I get the Pokedex! Yay. I will never use it.*
So now, we go to Route 1, Bianca is using Juniper as an excuse to disobey her father, and before I leave Digital Mom pops up.
Digital Mom: “She asked you to complete the Pokedex! I can’t believe it!”
*beat*
Digital Mom: “Well, actually, I can. I already knew she was going to ask.”
As did we all.
*so yeah, she gives us town maps, another item I’ll never use.*
Digital Mom: “As for your room, or what’s left of it... No need for any of you to worry. I’ll take care of tidying up.”
Every teenager on the planet now wishes that this was their real mom.
Digital Mon: “Ah pokemon, they are so cute and yet have the power to destroy a bedroom!”
Yeah, why are we being given super dangerous creatures again and sent out on our own? Aren’t you just asking for trouble?
*So now we go to Route 1 finally to meet Juniper, after a REALLY cheesy moment where we all take our first step on our adventure at the same time*
Wow, you had a good thing going game with the self awareness and all. Why’d you have to ruin it like that?
*So, Juniper catches a Patrat to demonstrate to us how it works, as if I didn’t know already*
Seriously, I’ve seen these catching tutorials so many times it’s getting painful sitting through them.
*She then gives us some Pokeballs, allowing me to catch some assist slaves right off the bat!*
YAY ASSIST SLAVES!
*I progress on the route, catching a Patrat and Lilpup, also getting a Potion from a kind passerby. Bianca also learns Water Gun, which will be nice for Assist.*
Alright let’s get ou-
*Xtransceiver rings apparently for the sake of introducing us to it.*
Well that was rather pointless. Pokemon Center, of course... going there now.
*Juniper shows me around, wasting more of my time!*
Oh god I just want to get Felix/Felicity already please.
*Bianca points out the plothole of “Someone’s PC” not being explained with Juniper being right there, only for Juniper to coyly dodge the question.*
Oh, now Gamefreak is doing it too. Just because you hang a lampshade on the plot hole DOES NOT MAKE IT GO AWAY.
*When I exit out I notice that Ghetsis is giving one of his freaky sermons in the town square*
Oh, wonderful, now I get to live through this. Fun.
*Cheren and I listen to the sermon*
Ghetsis: “Release your Pokemon! Training is evil! Bluh bluh! I’m totally not shady at all! Really!”
*They then march out storm trooper style*
Yup, nothing shady about those freaks, nothing at all. Won’t be encountering them ever again, nope nope nope!
*And suddenly N! Pardon me, I mean “???”*
N: “Your Pokemon... just now it was saying...”
Ooook, stay away from me crazy dude. No need to get close. No we can’t hear our Pokemon talking. We’re not insane.
*suddenly, BATTLE TIME!*
ACK! But ooooo kitty! I want.
After first attack N: “More! Let me hear the voices of your Pokemon!”
AHHHHH GET AWAY FROM ME FREEEEAK!
N: “I never expected Pokemon to say such things...”
Please tell me they weren’t telling you to kill all the things. Please.
*So, Cheren heads off to the Striaton Gym and I look around town, noticing nothing of interest*
Boring ass town.

*I head through the gate to town, talk to the guy in there*
Guy: “Watching the information changing on the electric bulletin board... It makes me happy. I find it so soothing!”
Oooook. Different strokes for different folks I guess...
*I go on Route 2 to search for my Purrloin*
Finally, I’ll actually be able to use my Scramblemon!
*Nope, Xtransceiver first*
Oh hey DigiMom...
*Suddenly she hangs up and walks out from behind me*
THE FUCK??? Why did you even bother calling me then? Oh whatever, you’re giving me Running Shoes so I don’t care. Oh and the instructions break the fourth wall without any lampshading at all. Losing more points game!
.
.
.
So why couldn’t I run before? Was I wearing flip flops or something? In the middle of winter?
*Anyway, I go onto the route and finally get searching for that Purrloin*
I don’t want to battle any more trainers here until I get Felix/Felicity... so I’m just running around this first patch until I find him/her.
*Finally, I encounter a male Purrloin!*
Alright, now to catch it!
*I do so easily, name it Felix!*
Welcome to the party Felix! Finally, I can begin this Scramble in earnest!
*I need to get it up one level before I can use Assist*
: (. Oh well, time to grind a little!
*Assist is earned quickly, but Felix proves to be incredibly weak fainting to a lv 4 Patrat*
Ooooh boy... this is going to be FUN.
*Assist has a tendancy to pull leer and tail whip when the opponent is at low health!*
I’m amazed I haven’t fainted again yet... Striaton Gym is going to be hell.
*No sooner do I say that than does he get 2HKO’d by a lv 3 Patrat. To be fair, it did get two crits in a row*
*Sigh* Well it was just a matter of time. Hopefully this gets better soon...
*Well he faints against a lv 7 Lillipup next*
Oh yeah, this is going to be so awesome.
.
.
.
KILL ME NOW!

*after fainting to another lv 4 Lillipup, Felix finally reaches level 10 and learns Sand-Attack*
Yay, another move I can’t use! And I only fainted 3 times doing it! Alright, level 10 SHOULD be good enough to take on a trainer or two... maybe.
*Nope, first battle against a lv 7 Patrat, he faints. Pulling Leer 5 times in a row before pulling WATER GUN did not help*
..... Reset #1. Against the very first trainer I fight with a Scramblemon. Oh god I am so doomed.
*Second try goes much better*
Ooooh boy this is some dumb shit I’m going to have to go through to beat Striaton Gym.
*Next battle goes much better, likely due to the fact she had a Purrloin*
Growl is a LOT less threatening to my little kitty than Leer. As is an un-STAB’d Scratch.
*I beat another trainer with like 3 assists left, walk a little forward BAM Bianca battle*
.... Reset #2. Let’s try that again.
*I get Bianca again, this time with Felix at full health and PP*
Still hardly guaranteed victory... so far I’ve only fought one Pokemon at once and I’m not at all confident in my ability to take on more than one.
*I get lucky for once and Assist pulls Water Gun twice against her Tepig, who doesn’t use Tackle despite my Defense being severely lowered*
Whew, that was a close one. I have better heal quickly... I don’t want to have to fight again in this state.
*So I head into town, go straight to the Pokemon center... then start talking to people, hoping to Arceus that they don’t ask me to battle*
Of course this city has the equivalent of that jerk who wouldn’t let you leave town unless you beat the gym. Only this time he’s a senior citzen, so I feel worse about having Felix murder him. Of course, Felix would be more likely to Leer at him than to actually hurt him...
*I get a Dusk Ball from a shady guy in an alley*
This is a trap isn’t it. How can this not be a trap. Why am I not being molested yet? I DEMAND ANSWERS!
*Apparently the Gym Leader is in the Trainer School*
Oh joy, I get to go to school again. I thought I was done with that two years ago >.>
*BOOM suddenly Cheren battle! Inside! He even lampshades it!*
Damn this game loves its lampshades... now, watch me lose!
*I called it alright. Pulling Leer 5 times in a row again didn’t help*
*sigh* Assist is going to be the death of me. Reset #3
*Apparently I didn’t save before battling him.*
Fuck, now I have to explore the town and get all the items I got before again...
*I get the stuff again, then I save before battling Cheren this time*
Let’s hope I don’t lose again. Really he wouldn’t’ve been that hard had I not, y’know gotten 5 leers in a row.
*His Snivy goes down despite a Crit and an Oran berry, but then his Purrloin comes out*
Hmmm I’ll have to use a potion. That damn crit did way too much to me...
*His Purrloin also spams assist... an assist battle!*
Who will be the luckier?
*Well he can use Scratch so luck didn’t really play into it. I lost. Again*
... Reset #4.
*Yeah don’t even get past Snivy the next time*
Ok how the fuck am I going to beat the gym if I can’t even do this?
Reset #5...
*ok this is just sad*
Reset #6...
*FINALLY*
OH MY GOD. It cost me a potion, but I FINALLY pulled moves good enough to do it. I got some Oran Berries, which should help against the gym leader... damn though, I do not know how I am going to do this.
*I find the gym leader out in front of his gym... and he counter teams my starter even as he talks to me. At least he recommends I go to the dreamyard.*
Alright, next up... Dreamyard! Let’s see how many resets I have here! Yay?
*First battle actually goes well. The fact it was against 2 Purrloins surely had nothing to do with it*
Oh yeah! So strong! So unbeatable*! That’s my Felix!
*guarantee only applicable against Pokemon half his level and without attacks.
*Next battle, 3 Pokemon, doesn’t go so well*
GAH! I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle 3 Pokemon without being able to switch. My stats get so damn lowered after the first one that beating the other two requires ideal Assist pulls...
*I decide to grind a little bit more to improve my chances*
God I hate having to grind like this but I don’t really have any choice...
*I get Felix up to level 14 to give me a better shot*
Alright, NOW maybe I can do it?
*Well drawing mostly actual attacks means yes, yes I can*
YAY! Now, let’s get a hold of a little simian Assist slave shall we?
*Pansear is obtained! It has Incinerate and Lick*
Well I wish it had something better than Incinerate... but I’ll need it if I hope to beat the Gym Leader. I think I’ll take on the gym trainers now at least, but I’ll need more training for the Leader himself... and a LOT of luck.
*I enter and get my complimentary Fresh Water from Clyde*
That’ll come in handy... now for the trainers.
*The trainers go down with surprisingly little difficulty*
For once Assist decided NOT to troll me. Now, I think I’m going to grind up to level 16 before trying this... Damn I shouldn’t have to do this >.<
*A few more battles makes it clear that grinding any further isn’t going to work*
Stupid new exp system... It’ll take forever to reach level 16. Level 15 is going to have to be enough... god I hope Felix is up to it or I could be at this for a looong time! First though...
*I deposite Bianca in the PC*
I won’t be needing any damn Water Guns for this fight. Also, an Oran Berry for Felix should help a bit...

*I enter the final curtain and am introduced to the three Gym Leaders. Of course, they then tell me I’ll be fighting the one my starter is weak to.*
Cilan eh? Well you’re annoying cheating at counterteaming me won’t work because Bianca isn’t even in my party! Of course you have every other advantage against me, but hey at least I don’t have to worry about that part. Alright, let’s get this show on the road!

Cilan: “So, um, if you’re OK with me, I’ll, um, put everything I’ve got into being, er, you know, your opponent.”
Holy shit man, get your shit together. You’re a Gym Leader! I’m fighting you with a goddamn Assist happy Purrloin, I should be the one that’s nervous!
*So anyway, we start with it being Felix vs. Lillipup*
Alright, I got this so I might as well use it... lord knows I’ll need it.
*I use an X-Defend on Felix while he uses Work Up*
This will help me when Pansage comes out later... alright. Now to hope for the best.
*I get Tackle the first time, he uses Work Up again*
Well that’s good. I just hope I don’t pull Lick...
*Nope, a second Tackle. He uses Bite for some reason, doing only 5 damage*
... Dude isn’t the whole idea of this gym supposed to be that you guys know your type match ups?
*Well this time I draw Lick. At least he uses Bite again...*
Knew that’d happen... So far so good though... I just need one more Tackle.
*Nope, Leer. At least it’s not Lick. And he Bites a third time*
... Wow you’re dumb.
*Lick again, now he uses Bite again, Activating my Oran Berry... but to my surprise it lets his Lillipup find it and eat it himself???*
Wait what? Since when did Pickup do that? Oh whatever, just need a Tackle or two cmon..
*I get Scratch instead, putting him in KO range while taking another Bite*
Alright even these Bites are wearing me down... get a good move dangit!
*Now he uses a potion on his Lillipup, while I pull another Leer*
STOP HEALING GODDAMIT! At least at -2 it won’t be lasting much longer...
*Nope, pull Incinerate for minor damage*
GODDAMIT JUST GET TACKLE ALREADY!
*Finally Felix pulls Tackle and KOs, and out comes Pansage*
Alright, here goes nothing... at least Lick will actually DO something now if I pull it again.
*Instead I pull Incinerate! It does way less than I hoped. His Vine Whip also does little damage thankfully*
Damn, if Incinerate is only doing that much... this is going to be rough.
*Yeah, I pull Tackle next and it does more damage*
... Well shit. Felix is at 8hp... Vine Whip has been doing 6hp... I SHOULD be alright.
*Yup, Felix hangs on with 2HP and pulls Leer*
Well can’t risk not getting Tackle now, so a Potion it is. I’m just glad he hasn’t decided to boost at all...
*He uses Vine Whip again, bringing me back into the Yellow*
Alright... here goes nothing.
*Leer*
Fuck. Alright, another potion then. This is going too well for me to risk fainting now.
*He keeps using Vine Whip, while Assist pulls Leer yet again*
Ok, even Scratch or Lick would be good now. Just pull an attack already!
*Nope, Leer again. What’s that, 4 times in a row now?*
GODDAMN MY LUCK. I just need ONE hit!
*Next Vine whip brings Felix to 6hp, but then finally Assist gets Scratch and KOs Pansage!*
HELL YES FIRST TRY! Eat it bitches! Item abuse FTW! Finally I’m done just using Assist on everything!
*I get the Trio Badge and TM83 Work Up for winning!*
Damn that was annoying. Good thing I found that X-Defend, because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t’ve managed without it.

*I exit the Gym and am immediately greeted by Fennel, who tells me Juniper wanted her to give me something. What it was is HM01 Cut!*
Oh thanks for the help, I’ll be going no-
*Nope, gotta get Pokemon excretions for her from the Dreamyard*
... Ew. I don’t get a choice in the matter do I?
*I teach Cut to Felix, heal him and head out... to Route 1*
I saw a cuttable tree here and I’ll do this shit first dammit.
*beyond it are a couple good items*
Alright alright, I’ll head to the Dreamyard now and collect some Pokeshit for Fennel... Snooty scientist making me do her dirty work *grumble grumble*.
*As soon as I make to go through the entrance I unblocked with Cut, Bianca pops by, apparently sent on the same mission*
Well at least I don’t have to do it alone...
*then BOOM team Plasma comes and starts kicking the shit out of the Munna we just found... talking about the freedom of Pokemon... WHILE THEY’RE BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF ONE.*
Wow, how can these people NOT be aware of this hypocrisy? That takes super human levels of stupidity.
*So then one engages me in battle with a lv 10 Patrat*
Yeah, if you think that’s going to worry me after Cilan you’re so wrong.
*Well when it uses Bide and Assist draws Tackle once... yeah it can be scary. Thankfully, Felix wins with 8hp left*
Whew, alright now le
*Next one fights me too*
FUCK. Thank lord I still have some potions..
*Thankfully it’s Purrloin, and though Sand-Attack is annoying it is funny when it tries to use Assist with no allies*
Assist; you’re doing it wrong! Let me show you the right way...
*Thanks to Sand-Attack and bad pulls it takes a while, but eventually it goes down*
*phew* I wasn’t really expecting a battle right away. Wait, what are you doing? We just kicked your asses and you’re going to keep kicking the poor thing anyway? Bugger off!
*BOOM Ghetsis! BOOM two Ghetsis! BOOM THREE GHETSIS!*
Plasma Grunts: “AHHHHHHHH RUN AWAAAAAAAAAY!”
Oh hai there Musharuna! Nice work there. Wait what, Fennel? I thought you were going to let us do it... oh whatever, I’m not complaining! Now before I go to Fennel’s place let’s look around here a bit... Let’s see some items and... Is this a backpack full of eggs? I had better find out who this belongs to...
*I head back to Fennel, talking to people on the way, none of whom have any idea where the backpack full of eggs came from.*
Huh... maybe Fennel will know what to do with them.
*Well Fennel first gives me the C-Gear and her daughter? Sister? Err... person living with her gives me a Pal Pad too. I then ask Fennel about the eggs*
Fennel: “Oh dear, you found these eggs just lying out in the open? I do hope they’re OK... Wait, what’s that symbol on the pack?”
Me: “That... that looks that symbol those Plasma people had. Oh shit, what were they going to do with these eggs?”
Fennel: “Well that doesn’t matter now! You can take care of them right?”
Me: “Well I can’t very well just leave them now can I? Alright, so how do I hatch these things? I don’t need to sit on them do I?”
Fennel: “Don’t be ridiculous! Instead you run around with them for 15 minutes and they’ll all hatch!”
Me: “... What.”

Alright then, I guess I got some baby... running to do then? I guess we’ll see what comes from these next time... Until then, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 1
Pokemon: 1
Resets: 7 (Seriously, fuck having Assist as your ONLY attacking option on ONE Pokemon)
Location: Striaton City


Felix the Purrloin
Level 16 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Pursuit (unusable)
Cut (Outside of battle only)
Sand-Attack (unusable)

Well I can come to one conclusion from Felix’s performance: Assist being the absolutely only move you can use only the only Pokemon you can use really, really sucks. You never know what you’re going to get when. Furthermore, Felix is weaker than most of the other Pokemon at this point in the game defensively and doesn’t get STAB on any of the attacks drawn by Assist. It will be such a blessing when he finally gains the ability to use other moves, but even then... Liepard has never been the most effective Pokemon in the world.

*huff huff huff*
Why... *huff* Does... *huff* Running... *huff* Hatch... *huff* EGGS????? *huuuuuufff!!!*
*Much huffing later, an egg hatches!*
Oh finally... A Karrablast? You don’t look very useful. Imma call you Healfodder, cuzz that’s what you’ll be doin’.
*MOAR RUNNING LATAR!*
This is going to kill me... oh two more eggs! A cute little bird! A Ducklett eh? It doesn’t seem to want to fly though... Acrophobic? And a Carvanha, what the hell was that doing in Unova? Dude thinks he’s tough. Real Macho aren’t yah? I’ll call you that then.
*MOAR!*
Oh damn, this Rioulu looks hurt just coming out of the egg! What did those Plasma dudes do to it? Poor thing... Damaged is what you are. Wait, you actually want me to call you that? Jeeze, some brain damage too...
*And much, MUCH later because Munchlax eggs take FOREVER to hatch*
AHHHH
*Collapse, egg hatches*
Awww aren’t you a cute thing. What are you doing with your fingers. NO! NOOOOOOOO!
*BOOOOOOOOM*
... Random little bastard. Random it is then.

Alright... I guess I had better get you guys familiar with battling eh? To training then!
*note to self: Level 1 Pokemon are hard to train when your only high level Pokemon can only use assist*
Babysitting... *grumble*
*After a while*
Well the Acrophobia seems reliable, even if he never seems to leave the ground. He’s a nice change after Felix’s antics. Damaged really is damaged though; sometimes when I send him out and tell him to use Quick Attack he just looks at me funny so I have to switch him out.
*I send Random out again*
Shit NO don’t waggle your fingers again like that! NO!
*Then... he just starts chanting*
Oh... Lucky Chant... heh I got all excited over nothing there.
*Two battles later after pulling Future Sight and Mega Kick*
Alright this isn’t so ba-
*Self Destruct*
AHHHHHHHHHHHRHRHHGHGH! STOP EXPLODING DAMN IT!
*Mean Look... then... ROCK SLIDE!*
OH THANK GOD. Now I know I won’t be stuck with Metronome the whole game. I don’t want to be exploded any more times than I have to thank you very much.
*He gets Smack Down the very next move*
Well another one he can learn, though no extra coverage from it.
*In another battle, it gets Growth*
Putting on some weight there I see *is shot*
*Then he flings into the air! (Bounce)*
UH OH LOOK OUT PATRAT YOU’RE GOING TO GE-
*Splat*
Ooooo nasty!
*Next up... Conversion 2 transforms him into a Steel type*
... I cannot describe what just happened. I’ll have a brain hemorrhage if I try.
*Then there was Frenzy Plant*
O.O I am even more scared of this thing than I was before. What am I doing training this thing? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
*BOOM Psycho Cut*
Woah that was cool, can you do that again?
*Gets ordinary Cut next*
It’s just not the same... and why can’t you learn Cut? WHYYYY THAT WOULD’VE BEEN PERFECT!
*Uses Thrash next*
Yeah I’m upset too bud...
*Suddenly he opens a massive rift in the ground! Shame it goes in the opposite direction of the Patrat he’s battling.*
AHHHH look out with that Fissure! That almost hit ME dammit!
*Suddenly, Focus Blast*
Holy SHIT I think you just gibbed that Patrat... Looks like another move you can learn in any case!
*Smellingsalt and Hammer Arm next!*
Damn hold back a little Random, you’re scaring me... that poor Lillipup will never walk again D:
*Most suddenly of all though...*
BODY SLAAAAAAAAM!!!!!! OH MY GOOD LORD THANK ARCEUS, PALKIA, DIALGA AND FUCK, EVEN GIRATINA, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*After that glorious godsend, Barrier, Bubble, FUSION FLARE!*
HOLY SHIT FUCK! How do you go from spewing tiny bubbles one second to massive fireballs the next? And more importantly, how on earth does it not even put the Lillipup into the red????
*Thrash again (doesn’t count towards total), Mud Bomb, Magnet Rise?*
Is... is Random floating? The fuck?
*Poison Fang*
Please, PLEASE keep your distance from me.
*Wonder Room*
WOoooOOOOOoaaaHHHHHH I FeeeEEEllllLLL FuuuuUUUnNNNNyyyYYY
*Gravity*
SooOOOOooo HHhhEEEEAAAaaaVVVyyy
*Circle Throw*
ByyyyyEEEE LiiLLLLiIIppPPPuuUUUppPP
*Psywave*
Funky
*MAGMA STORM*
AHHHHH! You’re going to burn everything to bits shiiiiiiiiiit!
*Block*
Hey a move you can use! It’s useless! Just one more chance to get another one...
*Final move: Energy Ball*
Well, looks like my final moveset is going to be Rock Slide, Body Slam, Focus Blast, and of course, Metronome. Certainly could be worse! Problem is I don’t get ANY of those moves for a while, so Metronome is going to see a lot of use...
*It pulls Aeroblast later!*
Ok that was just epic.
*not so epic*
Spite... twice in a row. You know how rare it is for Metronome to pull the same attack once in a row? 1 in over 500. And of all the moves, it had to be SPITE. Wow, my luck really is something isn’t it?
*other cool moves pulled: Luster Purge, Mind Reader followed by Hurricane (how perfect is that?), Head Charge (When the opponent was at like 3HP and poisoned), Hydro Pump (OHKOing a lv 2 Lillipup, apparently puppies don’t like baths either), Perish Song followed by Mean Look (Against a wild Pokemon, but seriously!), Hi Jump Kick (hell yes it was an OHKO), Octazooka (it missed D: ), Petal Dance (Failed to OHKO a lv 4 Patrat...), Spore (AFTER getting Thunder Wave on the same opponent), Sky Attack, Lunar Dance (right after visiting a Pokemon Center), Present (actuall hurt the enemy), Sacred Sword, Dynamic Punch (missed of course), Healing Wish (also with the team at full health), Inferno (actually hit), Mist Ball (A useless 70BP Signature move of Latias), Fusion Bolt, Volt Tackle (on an opponent with next to no HP), Baton Pass (yeah, not what I was trying for), Magma Storm TWICE more, Night Daze and Doom Desire one after the other, Telepathy then Gravity the Jump Kick, all in order (gravity makes both fail), Guillotine (actually succeeded), Eruption (at half health), Psystrike! Rock Wrecker, (Against a Purrloin >.<), Teleport (thankfully the opponent wasn’t at low health or I’d be pissed), *
Alright, now let’s see what Macho does...
*Macho. Wrecks. Shit. UP.*
Holy crap, STAB Bite is so overpowered at this point in the game. He’s OHKOing shit left and right. Sure he takes hits about as well as wet tissue paper, but when you outspeed and OHKO everything, who cares?
*looks at Healfodder*
Alright, let’s train
*She just sits there looking at me helplessly*
... Well do something.
*Gets bowled over by a Lillipup, looks at me with tears in its eyes*
... alright you can just stay put. Do you need special attacks or something? You don’t get anything for ages that’s special! Fine, you can just tag along and be useless then.
*Damaged wants to evolve!*
Holy shit, at level 9??? Sorry man, can’t let you do that just yet. Wish I could...
*Now Damaged wants to learn Force Palm! And also to evolve again*
Yes to Force Palm, no to evolving! Wait for a little bit will yah? Force Palm is great to have, strongest move you can use actually... which is kind of depressing when you think about it.
*Now Random wants to evolve*
Goddammit, no you can’t evolve, as much as I’d like to let you.
*Acrophobia wants to learn Water Pulse*
Perfect, I was just thinking your damage output was getting a little low. Defog isn’t doing me any good so this should help.

Ah, one more thing before I move on though.
*3 Audino fights later, Healfodder is almost caught up with the others*
No point letting her fall too far behind...

Alright, finally got everyone more or less up to speed. Time to head on to Route 3!
*And then I am ambushed by a group of Pre-schoolers and their teacher*
So, little kids around the age of 4 playing around with dangerous creatures is totally cool here eh? Well I suppose there is adult supervision...
Preschooler: “Take this, Hyper Beam!”
*sends out a Pansage*
Aww isn’t that cute, he thinks Pansage can learn Hyper beam! Awwwww...
*I then enter my first double battle! Against a couple Pre-Schoolers*
Daaawww so cute, think you can beat me with your wittle kitties :3
*Suddenly Cheren ambush!*
AHhhh! You’re not a Pre-Shcooler!
*his Snivy is hard to switch into for my team so I just keep Acrophobia in to pound away with Water Pulse, hoping for confusion hax, none surfaces but a few crits put it in the low yellow before Acrophobia gets into the red. Then Random comes in, being the only one capable of taking the now +3 attacks from Snivy. Snivy is KO’d when I pull Assurance, then his Purrloin comes out and is KO’d by Outrage!*
Woohoo! Random really pulled through for me this time!
*Suddenly a couple Plasma grunts barge past us, with Bianca close behind*
Apparently they stole this poor pre-schooler’s Pokemon! Noooo the poor kid! To Wellspring cave! Oh wait, what’s that item up ther- AH trainer ambush! I’m busy can’t you just... no? Fine I’ll smash you to bits then!
*at least she gives me an Oran Berry after the battle*
Ok so what’s this item I wasted my time for over here?
.
.
.
A REPEL??? I should’ve just gone straight in the cave...

*I head inside with Cheren to face off with the Pokenappers. I take one he takes the other. Macho OHKO’s his only Pokemon. Then just as we’re about to return the Pokemon, someone shouts from the depths of the cave.*
????: You don’t need to return it!
Oh no, who could it be? A sage? A-
Oh nevermind, it’s just another couple Plasma grunts.
*This time we have a Double Battle. It doesn’t take much longer than the last one did*
Fail... If you guys want to forcibly “liberate” Pokemon from their trainers, make sure your own Pokemon are actually up to the task. Lv 12 Patrats aren’t going to cut it.
*Anyway, Cheren returns the stolen Pokemon and I explore what I can of the cave, finding TM46 Theif*
Ah, another attacking move for Macho. Just one more and all the restrictions activate... joy.
*actually, Macho can’t learn it*
Wait, a Dark type that can’t learn Theif? That’s... unusual to say the least.
*As I head out, the pre-schooler whose Pokemon I helped rescue gives me some Heal Balls as a thank you*
Heal Balls? Errr... well I guess it’s the thought that counts right?
*As I head down the Southern part of the Route, the trainers get older and their Pokemon slightly stronger*
Ah good, I was starting to feel bad about beating up on little kids and adults with brains at the same stage of development.
*As I’m heading down, Cheren stops me to explain about Dark Grass*
Yeah I know, more powerful Pokemon, sometimes 2 at once, got it. I’ll just remember to keep Damaged out of the top two spots when I’m going through it.

*I continue onwards and make it to the gate of Nacrene City*
Ah alright finally! Now let’s see... Cheren? What do you want... where are you dragging me?? I don’t need to be told where the Pokemon Center is, even if I didn’t know the town takes like 10 seconds to navigate! Oh Chesto Berries? Well at least I get something out of it. Alright now that you’re done with me let’s take a look around town...
*A nice girl inside this one house gives me a Mystic Water when I tell her I got Oshawott as my starter because she wants to help me on my journey*
Oh sweet, Acrophobia will really like this. I feel like the gifts in this game are usually a little less... random. People seem to actually have a reason to give them to you most of the time. Nice change from Blue where they’d give you shit for no apparent reason...
*inside another old warehouse this guy started a shop selling in battle effect items*
Sweeeet these will come in handy when it comes time to face Lenora. I’ll hold off buying them until I need them though since my cash supply is limited.
*talking reveals this town is where a bunch of artists settled in abandoned warehouses*
Well that explains why so many of the people here are so artsy fartsy. To the point where it’s kind of sickening in some cases...


*So then there’s a boring cafe and the gym/museum*
Hmmm, so the gym is also a museum too eh? And the Striaton gym was a cafe... damn, I guess gyms being multifunctional is a real trend in Unova. Makes a lot of damn sense in a way. Gotta keep those doors open somehow!
*As I try to enter the gym I almost run into N!*
N: “I...want to see things no one can see. The ideals of Pokemon inside Poke Balls. The truths of how Trainers should be. And a future where Pokemon have become perfect... Do you feel the same?”
Uhhhh how can I answer that when I barely comprehended what you just said? Errr... ye-es-s?
N: “That so? I think my friends and I should test you to see if you can see this future too.”
*and battle*
Dude you are so insane I don’t know what to say.
*Damaged barely fails to 2HKO a Tympole, getting KO’d himself after being weakened by his Pidove*
Fudgemuffins, at least Acrophobia can level up
*Acrophobia wants to learn Ariel Ace*
Sure, better than Water Sport. Might not be able to use it myself but it’ll be better for Felix to pull using Assist.
*Then a Timburr comes out*
Errrr...
*looks at Timburr, then at Damaged’s Pokeball, then my bag which is conspicuously empty of Revives*
WELP looks like you’re not soloing this one.
*Acrophobia 2HKOs it with Water Pulse, winning the battle*
N: “I need power then, power enough to make anyone agree with me.”
... Well that didn’t sound good. I think I’m going to try and stay as far away from that guy as possible from now on.
*Inside the museum is a woman researching fossils, a giant Dragonite Skeleton and a scientist dude by the name of Hawes that insists on giving me a tour*
Oh joy, another person dragging me around places I don’t really give a shit about.
*as we come to a stone*
Hawes: “Oh that’s just an ordinary stone we found in the desert. Other than being old there’s nothing special about it. We just display it because it’s pretty to look at.”
Oh yes, the conspicuously pure white, perfectly round stone has NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT IT AT ALL. This will in no way become plot relevant later on, no sir-ee!
*Also in the Museum is a massive Armaldo fossil and a Meteorite with a “space virus” attached to it (Deoxys stone!)*
Damn that Armaldo fossil looks cool. I bet that meteorite is used to change Deoxys’ formes too. I have to say, as far as Pokemon museums go this is one of the cooler ones.

Anyway, I’m not ready to take on Lenora yet (HELLA not ready in fact) so I’m going to go explore Route 4 while I’m here.
Random lady on the route: “Yo wandering trainer! Are your Pokemon getting stronger? Here, take this!”
*gives me TM 94 Rock Smash*
... You know what I said about this game making more sense with its random gifts? I take that back.
*I teach it to Damaged, who now finally has a full set of moves he can use if you include the utterly useless Feint*
Better than nothing, right?
*After beating a Nurse, she will heal my Pokemon whenever I ask!*
Well that’ll come in handy.
*And then there’s more Pre-Schoolers to battle*
Ok, now this is just reckless. There is NOT adult supervision here. Seriously, where are these kids’ parents?????
*After a few more battles Macho learns Ice Fang after getting over 1000 exp from an Audino*
Hot DAMN do Audino give a lot of exp! Macho almost leveled up TWICE from that battle. Anyway, that’s one more attacking move for Macho, and a decent one at that. Just one more and full restrictions activate...
*After battling some more trainers I make it to Challenge Rock*
Ah, this wondrous thing. Ealy game a source of easy money. Late game, endless PP Ups. I’ll definitely be coming back here frequently. Now that’s it for this area... I wonder how far I can go in Pinwheel Forest at the moment?
*not very far, as there’s a bunch of Plasma grunts blocking the way just inside*
Oh, but just listen to what they have to say!
Grunt 1: “We will steal Pokemon! You’ll never play together again!”
Grunt 2: “We’re in the right!”
Grunt 3: “Everyone else is wrong!”
Grunt 4: “If you don’t think the same way we think, we’ll use all our power to eliminate you!”
Yup, these seem like perfectly well adjusted people with the best interests of everyone in mind. Totally.

Anyway, guess I should grind up a bit so I’m ready for Lenora. Lord knows, that battle won’t be easy...
*Much, MUCH grinding later*
Oh yay, Acrophobia wants to learn Bubblebeam! That’s 3 moves he can use now... it’d just be nice if one of them wasn’t Water type.
*suddenly Felix is evolving*
OH SHIT! I don’t remember if I’m supposed to let him evolve immediately or not.
*Hits B button in a panic*
Ok now...
*Yeah could’ve let him evolve*
GODDAMIT. Now I have to wait another level! Ah well... could be worse I suppose. Not like I need to do anything with Felix immediately or anything.
*it is now after 1 AM and there are still preschoolers running around outside*
Seriously, WHERE THE FUCK ARE THESE KIDS’ PARENTS?!?!?!?!??!
*Now everyone except for Healfodder (who can’t attack anyway) is at level 20*
Alright, now I’d say I’m finally ready to give the gym a shot. Good god this took a long time...

*I head to the back of the museum and enter the gym, which turns out to be a massive library*
Oh yes, pokemon battles near priceless books and documents. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that. Anyway, the trainers here are going to all be faced by Damaged because he’ll need all the levels he can get for Lenora...
*The gym also features a simple puzzle where you match up the names of books to hints to find the way to get to Lenora*
This is really a cool gym idea actually, Gamefreak really did come up with some decent gym puzzles this generation.
*3 battles later, I find a hidden staircase under a bookshelf*
Oh yeah, old school secret passage! Alright, first to heal up and get some boosting items... shame he can’t hold an Oran Berry. There’s no revives available yet either... yeah, this could be really rough.
*I go buy a few X-Attack, X-Speed and X-Defense, then head off to face Lenora*

*Attempt #1*
Crap her Herdier has Intimdate... I got my attack lowered already! Damaged can’t win like that. X-Attacks are going to be necessary. But first... what move is Damaged forgetting this round?
*My luck is with me: I get Feint as the attack he can’t use*
Thank lord, if I had gotten Force Palm I might as well have restarted right there. Alright, X-Attack time!
*Herdier goes for a Leer, lowering my defense*
Well it’s not like Damaged is taking a Retailate and living anyway... I just hope he’s faster than Herdier.
*Yessir, Force Palm comes INCHES from OHKOing Herdier, who goes for another Leer*
Oh ho, looks like I might have a chance after all! Alright, Quick Attack will finish it off easy.
*NOPE! Super Potion brings it back to full health. Quick Attack doesn’t do a lot*
Fudge. Well at least I still outspeed. Force Palm, go!
*BOOM! Herdier is wasted, and Lenora’s deadly Watchog comes in, announced by a dramatic change in the music*
Nice touch. Now, Damaged isn’t going to survive a Retaliate, so Healfodder is going to have to make her first sacrifice.
*NOPE Hypnosis. It doesn’t even hit.*
..... Well I can’t very well switch into this thing! Fucking... why could you not have just KO’d her T.T I got nothing to use on Damaged this turn, so I have no choice but to bring him back in...
*BOOM Retaliate takes out over half Damaged’s health on the switch*
... *twitch* well Retaliate only has 5 PP so at worst I can PP stall it with potions. I guess I’ll get to it!
*1 Potion, 2 Super Potions and 2 Fresh Waters later, Retaliate runs out of PP and she misses with Hypnosis*
Fuck yes, now the worst it can do to me is Crunch, which obviously won’t be doing much to a fighting type. Time to win this!
*Next turn Hypnosis hits*
Fuck.
*Thankfully I wake up the next turn and Force Palm takes out most of its health, with Damaged doing nothing but absorbing a Leer in the process.*
Awesome! Quick Attack... hopefully it’s strong enough to finish this!
*Nope, leaves it with what looks like 1 HP, and then it puts Damaged to sleep again*
Oh cmon, know you’re just dragging out the inevitable! QUICK ATTACK!
*After absorbing just one Cruch, Damaged wakes up and finishes Watchog in style!*
HELL YEAH! That was way easier than I expected it to be! Three cheers for the brain damaged dog! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray! Hip hip, hurray!
*Both Damaged and Healfodder level up from the fight, which means...*
FUCK YES.
*Damaged evolved into a Lucario*
Oh yes. So much yes.
*Then Lenora gives me the Basic badge as well as TM 67 Retaliate*
Alright, I guess that’s it for this cha-
Hawes: “DEEEEAAAAAR!”
Oh fuck what now.
*Team Plasma is stealing bones oh noes!*
Oh, fuck that. Next chapter, we deal with Team Plasma. This episode, we’re done. But first...
*Macho learns Retaliate!*
That’s 4 attacking moves. Looks like things are going to get interesting next chapter.

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 2
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 7 (Wow, I thought for sure Lenora would add at least 3 to that tally)
Location: Nacrene Gym

Felix the Purrloin

Level 20 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Pursuit
Cut
Sand-Attack

Well, Felix was pretty much the LVP this chapter other than the non-attacking Healfodder, as the others started outperforming him even before they caught up to him in level. Assist just blows, and it’s worse when your attacking and defensive stats are also crap. However, next chapter he should evolve (would’ve this chapter had I been sure there were no restrictions on it when it happened), and he’ll finally be able to use moves other than Assist at least some of the time. I expect that to greatly improve his use, but at the same time I still don’t expect that much from him. Ah well, better than before right?

Healfodder the Karrablast

Level 15 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: None – Gender: Female
Moves:
Peck (unusable)
Leer
Endure
Fury Cutter (unusable)

Healfodder did nothing but get shift trained this chapter, being unable to harm her foes due to restrictions and not having any status moves that do damage. Right now all she contributes to the team is as a sacrifice when I need to switch out for some reason (only came into play vs Lenora) and moves for Felix’s assist to pull (and all the others he can pull are better). Bottom line, Healfodder has been completely and utterly pointless to have on the team. I have to wait until I can at least give her a status move that hurts opponents before I can use him, and I don’t think that’s going to happen for a while. Oh well, at least she’s getting some EVs in the meantime for later.

Macho the Carvanha

Level 20 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Bite
Ice Fang
Rage
Retaliate

Macho was a real force to be reckoned with this chapter, sporting by far the most power of my Pokemon and a great deal of freedom in how he was used; not using status moves is easy when you have the defenses on par with Sunkern anyway. Bite was what he used mostly, even against most resists, at least until he got Ice Fang which gave him a better option against them. Rage was only ever used to finish off weakened Pokemon. The flinch chance from Bite and Ice Fang helped prevent counter attacks, but despite that and his power he couldn’t avoid being attacked all the time, and when he did get attacked it really freaking hurt. I expect those defenses to be much nastier to deal with now that he has 4 attacking moves though, as now he can only use each move once... and if he only has one move that hits hard? Then it could be good night for this little fishy.

Acrophobia the Ducklett


Level 20 – Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Water Pulse
Arial Ace (unusable)
Water Gun
BubbleBeam

Acrophobia has been a real help so far primarily because he’s the only one with decent bulk with reliable attacking moves. While it is a bit of a downer that his coverage is 100% water type at the moment, it hasn’t really prevented him from being useful up until now. His moves also have pretty high BP for this point in the game, so he gets decent power on them. His Brave nature isn’t really doing him any favors though, as lowering his speed isn’t exactly ideal when you’re 4x weak to a type you can’t switch out of and is notoriously speedy. Still, thanks to my Colosseum scramble I’ve come to appreciate reliability when I have it, and Acrophobia packs plenty of that. I just hope I can get him some coverage moves soon...

Random the Munchlax

Level 20 – Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Screech (unusable)
Tackle (unusable)
Defense Curl (Unusable)
Usable Moves: Rock Slide, Smack Down, Focus Blast, Body Slam, Block

Random has really been a mixed bag so far. Metronome is fun at times, but can be really annoying when you want it to just pull a goddamn attacking move and instead pulls every status move under the sun. Also, he seems to have a strange affinity for Magma Storm and Mist Ball... I swear he’s pulled each of them a half dozen times already. Anyway, he’ll become a lot easier to use once he gets Body Slam, but that’s not for a very long time yet. The other moves are all TM moves I won’t get access to until much later either, so it looks like I’m stuck with Metronome for now. At least he has decent bulk to work with, so he can afford to have a few bad metronome pulls. Besides, I’m thinking he’ll be getting an item that’ll help him a hell of a lot next chapter...

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 22 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Quick Attack
Force Palm
Feint
Rock Smash

Ah Damaged, the triumphant hero of this chapter, having beaten Lenora single handily, a feat that’s pretty damn impressive. He’s been one of my most reliable attackers so far, especially ever since getting Force Palm (which, coincidentally is the most powerful move he’ll ever learn). He’s fairly speedy, though not as much as he could be thanks to his Brave Nature, but the attack boost is nice since I’m definitely going physical. Lucario does not learn a lot of special attacks at or below 60 BP, but he does learn a lot of physical ones in that category. For now though, he just has Fighting and Normal coverage, which isn’t actually bad at this point. He was seriously lacking in bulk for most of the chapter, but now that he has evolved he’s going to be an absolute powerhouse, low BP moves or not. I can’t wait until he learns Sword Dance... but at the same time, I’m dreading his upcoming fighting type solos, now that he’s weak to their attacks.

Alright, let’s see what’s going on with this theft in progress. Woah, there’s a lot of them.
Plasma grunt: “To show we’re serious, we’re going to steal it right before your eyes!”
... Ok that’s just retarded.
*So they steal it and disappear in a cloud of smoke. I head outside, and Lenora and I are met by Burgh, the Castelia gym leader. We tell him what’s up and he decides to help*
Wow, that was convenient. Guy shows up out of the blue just because and a robbery just happens to be going down! That’s not even remotely contrived! Oh and Bianca and Cheren show up too, if it wasn’t unbelievable enough already.
*Lenora assigns me and Burgh to Pinwheel Forrest, while Bianca gives me the dowsing machine, the reason why she stopped by in the first place*
Oh cool, this is nice. Anyway, Pinwheel Forest is up now eh? Well, let’s get on it!
*inside I meet up with Burgh, who takes the main path and sends me on the winding one, so he can block the exit if they’re not on that path since it’s faster*
Oh yeah, you take the nice paved path through the dark bug infested forest while I trek through the wilds. Very considerate of you. Aren’t you a bug type gym leader? Wouldn’t you LIKE taking the winding path?
*on the path I find I’m not just obstructed by Plasma Grunts, but by ordinary trainers as well*
Can’t you dumbasses see I’m doing something important? Why the hell can I still not run from these battles? THIS MAKES NO SENSE.
*There are items EVERYWHERE!*
Well if I’m going to be slowed down by random trainers anyway...
*While collecting items, Felix grew to level 21! Felix passes up Fake Out since he’ll never get to use it, and then evolves into a Liepard!*
Hell yes. Maybe you won’t be useless now.
*His HP is odd!*
Hell. Fucking. YES! I don’t have to rely on Assist so much anymore! Anyway, got the items, and a Revive was among them! That’ll be helpful.
Oh, and you know the trainers stopping me from taking down the criminals invading the forest? Most of them are Rangers. Nice job there guys. At least they give me berries after I beat them.
*Acrophobia wants to learn FeatherDance*
Oh yeah, that’ll be reall-
*it’s flying type*
Fuck.
Plasma Grunt: “Yup I’m here to buy time! And if you don’t step lively, we’re going to get away!”
Ummm... I’ve kind of already spent a half hour getting here, between backtracking to heal and item collection. If you guys were going to get away, I’d think you’d’ve done it by now.
*Despite the grunt’s warning, I take a detour and find TM86 Grass Knot*
Hmmm just Felix can learn it. Might be useful in the future, but for now I’ll leave it off. Sand-Attack will probably come in handy before long.
*Finally I beat the last Plasma Grunt and take the skull back!*
Wooo! Wait, where’d you come from? Gorm, a sage? Oh fuck am I going to have to fight him?
.
.
.
Ha ha ha yeah right. Burgh and Lenora show up and scare them off, and then they both leave for their respective gyms. In return, Lenora gives me a Moon Stone I’ll never ever use. At least I can move on.
*I go back to heal, pick up a Miracle seed I’ll never be using, and then battle the remaining trainers*
Alright, let’s see where this exit goes... ooo this is a cool bridge. Oh, and this guy gave me a Quick Claw for no good reason. I really, really take back what I said about the gifts making sense in this game. Anyway, Random can hold this for now.
*So then I cross Skyarrow Bridge, with road traffic travelling below me*
Hey I have a question. Where the hell are the rest of the roads in this region? How come nothing but trucks appear to ride on them? Where the hell do these things get off the bridge, seeing as there hasn’t been a sign of a roadway anywhere else? All these questions and more, shall be answered ne-
Oh wait, nevermind. They’ll never be answered. This is Pokemon, remember?

*So anyway, after a long walk across the bridge, I finally enter Castelia City!*
Woo boy, this is going to take some time to explore. Let’s get on it then!

Random woman: “Castelia City has so many people! Sometimes there are people who are only interested in themselves.”
As if you needed any more proof that this place was based off New York *Bazzziiing!*

Anyway, I’ll explore the docks first then move onto the streets. With a place this big a systematic approach is needed.
*Talks to random dude on the first dock, who gives me an evolutionary stone of my choice for free, to evolve Pansage/Pansear/Panpour*
Why? No reason why. Anyway, no one in my team evolves using any of the so I just picked the first option. Leaf Stone, get! I’ll probably trade it to White at some point, seeing as evolutionary stones are a bit unreliable to come across in BW.
*At the third dock there’s a strange black boat in the harbor*
Hmmm I actually don’t remember what this boat is for. I know it appeared in White too, but I can’t remember what it did... a connection to Plasma I presume. Bah, curse you faulty memory!
*nothing interesting on the other docks, so I decide to check out the buildings on the curving street*
Alright, that was a waste of time. I know the Battle Company is on this street though, so I’ll have something to do here!
*Also on this street is the Passerby Analytics HQ, the creepiest place on Earth*
Seriously, not only do they pick up random data on people without their knowledge, they recruit YOU to do it for them without giving you any choice in the matter. Just... no. No thanks man. I’m out of here.

Anyway, time for the Battle Company, which makes no sense because I don’t see how you can make a profit off having free Pokemon battles. I just don’t get it. What else do they do here anyway? They only ever talk about battles!

Wait, why was I greeted by a janitor when I came in? Nice greeting committee there, Battle Company.
*Felix levels up after the first battle! And gets even HP again*
GODDAMIT!
*Then a clerk doesn’t even battle me and gives me a bunch of Timer and Quick Balls for no reason*
... Seriously, how does this place stay in business????

*Random manages to faint against a Roggenrolla thanks to getting his accuracy lowered like 5 times and then getting haxed to death, finished off by a 5x Rock Blast*
Why do I even bother playing Pokemon when the RNG gods hate me so much?
*Next battle, Random VS a Basculin. He gets Sword Dance, puts it to sleep with sleep powder... then proceeds to get two special attacks, leaving it with around 1HP. He then gets Metal Sound, and then Baton Pass.*
.................... Metronome be trollin’. At least this means Macho gets an attack boost...
*Macho then proceeds to OHKO all 3 of his Pokemon*
Well could’ve been worse.
*Scientist at back of the first floor gives me a Scope Lens for “taking the company tour”*
Wait what? This is a tour? I thought tours required guides...? Oh whatever, I’ll just give this to Felix for now, he needs all the help he can get. Anyway, next floor!

Clerk after defeat: “Our company develops goods for Pokemon and Trainers. So, Pokemon battles are also an important part of my work!”
Ok, finally an explanation! Still doesn’t explain why you give away free, valuable shit to people who beat you in battle...
*And it turns out the Janitor is the chairman of the company. Shocker*
No one could’ve seen that coming! I mean, he’s only sitting at a desk clearly visible from the elevator door and he’s the only character to be given a cutscenish thing in the entire place! Anyway, after beating him he gives me the Exp. Share! That’ll come in handy for a certain currently useless Bug type I happen to have.

Alright, and with that I’m done with the Battle Company and the main street. Now I’m going from right to left, starting with Castelia Street. Hmm this is a funky looking black building...
*Sign reads “GAME FREAK”*
Oh, of course. The obligatory self-insertion area. Well maybe there will be some items or something in there for me...
*I pass the Zorua event kid and head upstairs*
Yeah, I’ve never been able to get that one. I don’t have the required event Pokemon for it. Ah well.
*unfortunately, none of them have anything for me or have things to say that make them easy targets for mocking*
BOOOO! You’re no fun D:

*There’s a drink machine near the next building*
Oh hell yes, this will be so useful.
*Buys a gajillion Fresh Water and Lemonade*
Oh hell yes.

*inside the next building I get a massage for my Pokemon and TM 44 Rest!*
Well at least the guy who gave it to me had the reason of “I don’t need it anymore since all my Pokemon know it”. Not the best explanation, but better than “Hey take this shit. I just want to give it to you, person I just met 2 seconds ago”.

Alright, now I’m in the Central Plaza. I’ll check this out before heading down Mode Street.
*Weird dancing dude wants to battle! He wants me to find other dancers so he can have a dancing group!*
I had better get something good out of this.

*on Mode Street is the Castelia Cone stand, closed due to it being winter in game, and also an art studio*
And neither of them were worth visiting. YAY WASTED TIME! And why do so few of these buildings have doors? Is half this city just for decoration or something?

*Next up is Narrow Street, which is just a fancy term for dirty back alley filled with garbage*
EWWWW why did they even bother naming this place? And why is there a dancer here? AND HOLY SHIT THAT FUCKER LOOKING FOR HIS GLASSES SCARED ME! I thought I was being mugged. But no, he’s another person giving me a random item for no reason, this time TM70 Flash which I will never use unless forced to. And whose idea was it to put a swanky cafe next to a bunch of garbage? Oh whatever... I’ll just role with it.

Next up, the final street. Which is, for some reason, unnamed despite having a Pokemon Gym on it. So yeah, name the dirty back alley but not one of the most important streets in the city. Whatever, just rolling with it again. No point questioning the logic of a Pokemon game...
*There’s a strange, abandoned black building across the street from the gym*
No way this could be plot related in anyway, no siree! And why is the TV on in an abandoned building? Not to mention all those computers? Why are they even there????? Who’s paying to power this place?

*Nothing else on the street, so I check the street leading to Route 4 next*
Wow, despite this being the shortest street in the city it has the most enterable buildings of any but the main street. That’s a little odd don’t you think?
*At a party in the one building that I have to get patted down for, I get TM45 Attract*
I’m totally betting that bouncer didn’t actually have to pat me down and was totally just trying to feel me up. PERV! Anyway, Attract is cool to have, might teach it to someone eventually. Also, there are a lot of people speaking foreign languages here... shame I don’t speak any of them.
*next building has the Name Rater, and the only Pikachu in the game... and upstairs is a clown sitting at a desk*
Clown: “My name is Mr. Lock. I’m a magical clown that can open anything. Your name is Jimera. I’ll see you again, I’m sure.”
I didn’t tell him my name...
.
.
.
HELP ME I’M BEING STALKED BY AN EVIL CLOWN!

*In the next building, I get something amazing, wonderful and stupendous. It is...!*
EVIOLITE! I don’t care that the idiot who gave it to me called 37 seen Pokemon “quite the Pokedex”, this is going to be an utter LIFE SAVER for me. Random NEEDS this. Screw Quick Claw, this is what will really help him out.

Hmmm, that’s the whole town and I still haven’t found that third dancer yet. I bet he spawned in some place I had already visited. Joy, just what I wanted to do. Go freak hunting.
*I find him on one of the docks*
Alright good let’s get this over with.
*After beating him I head to the central square and talk to the group of them, who give me an Amulet Coin!*
Oh sweet, that’ll come in handy. Macho can hold it for now.

Ok, so that’s everything but the gym here. I wonder how far I can go on Route 4 before the game stops me? Let’s go see shall we?
*I head out, and am not immediately stopped! Wow!*
YAY! Exploring time!
*Random faints to a Basculin thanks to flinch hax and bad Metronome pulls*
GAAAAAH! I am starting to get annoyed at this!
Parasol lady: “I can’t see ahead because of the sandstorm, so since I can’t see I’ll have to battle you”
Wait what? That makes no sense. At all. What the fuck?
*Anyway, I wander through a construction site full of some funky look buildings, items, and of course lazy workers itching for a battle*
Shouldn’t you guys be working? Jeeze, at this rate it’ll take two years to finish these nearly finished buildings...
*At the end of the construction site I find TM41 Torment!*
Awesome! I’m totally sure I can find a use for this!
.
.
.
Yeah none of you are buying it.

Alright, now for the rest of the rou-
*NOPE. Chuck Testa. Also, a worker blocking the way due to “a bit of a problem”*
Wait, what? What problem? Is it Plasma? Did someone explode? Murder? Arson? Sabotage? TELL ME I WANT TO KNOW DAMN IT!

Well anyway, might as well go take out Burgh now. My team has the levels so it shouldn’t be hard.

*As I’m about to enter I’m interrupted by Cheren, who had just beaten Burgh*
Oh congrats for you.
Cheren: “If I do that [become the champion], everyone will admit what a strong Trainer I am... That will make me feel truly alive...”
Dude... you crave recognition that much? That’s really kind of sad.
*The Burgh pops out, recognizes me and tells me Team Plasma has just shown up, and to meet him at Prime Pier to confront them*
Oh for the love of god can they just stop messing with my journey? I just want to beat Burgh and move on!
*So I meet up with Burgh, who is with Bianca and Iris. It turns out team Plasma managed to get their hands on Bianca’s Munna*
Really Bianca? You let those clowns take your Pokemon? Seriously, you should be able to take out at least a dozen of them by yourself by this point. Oh whatever, let’s get it back.
*before we can leave though a Plasma grunt comes along and spots us, who was apparently coming back for more Pokemon. Instead he dashes off, freaked out by Burgh*
Annoying dumbasses. Well, I have a good idea where they went. There’s only one place in this city that isn’t full of people...
*yup, sure enough they’re in the abandoned building right across from the gym. What idiots*
Yeah guys, let’s just set up our new HQ right across from one of our biggest enemies! How could this POSSIBLY go wrong?
Grunt outside: “No one is here! Not at all! No other Team Plasma members, nor any of the Seven Sages, are inside.”
... Very convincing bub. Let’s just battle and get this over with.
*LOL Burgh has pretty much the same reaction. He even says “Oh please, you can handle that one”*
I do like the increased level of wit in this game from previous generations.
*Macho promptly OHKO’s both his Sandile with ease*
Grunt: “This is bad! Badbadbad! Bad for Team Plasma! Or Plasbad, for short!”
OH GOD NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT. How did I not remember that from my playthrough of White??
*Bianca and Iris come up and we all go inside to fight Plasma*
Yeah these fools don’t stand a chance.
*Ghetsis and two other sages are inside*
Oh ho, looks like the big cheese is here.
Bronius: “I thought it would be amusing to prepare a hideout right in front of a Pokemon Gym, but we were detected more quickly than I imagined”
... So you’re the idiot who pulled this stunt then. Wow, I’m surprised you managed to dress yourself this morning.
*Ghetsis then, for no reason, gives a bunch of exposition on Zekrom and the origin of Unova, says he’s going to do it again.*
Ghetsis: “...we can easily create the world that I – I mean, Team Plasma – desires!”
Smooth. You totally don’t seem like an evil manipulative bastard at all now!
*Burgh then goes and shows the hypocrisy in their viewpoint, and Ghetsis just laughs it off. He does give Bianca her Munna back though for some reason. Then he leaves.*
O-K. I fail to see why he did that but whatever. Anyway, Iris gives me a Yache Berry, drags Bianca out with her so they can explore the city, and Burgh returns to his gym. All is well and I can finally finish this. Also, they left a Smoke Ball on the floor. That explains how they got away so easily I guess.

Enough of this now, to the gym!
*The gym is full of honey. Massive amounts of honey*
... Ok I love honey and all, but getting it on every bit of my clothes just seems like a recipe for disaster. I swear this is a ploy by Burgh to make the Pokeballs so sticky you can’t throw them or something.
*all the gym trainers in here are clowns*
Why did it have to be clowns.
*Steps on a switch that has no purpose for the puzzle*
Wonder what this do- AH NINJA CLOWN! SHIT!
*Battles ninja clown*
Clowns that are also ninjas. Scariest shit ever. Burgh is a monster and he must be stopped.

*I find Burgh, and prepare to stop him!*
DIE FIEND! YOU AND YOUR CLOWNS DON’T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!
*I lead with Macho, he with his butterfly covered cro- err I mean his Whirlipede*
Seriously, wearing a butterfly belt buckle is just fucking creepy man.
*Bite, Ice Fang, OHKO’d by a Critical Poison tail after Screech*
Well fuck, that hurt. Screeched me AND critted me. Poor Macho didn’t stand a chance, not with that thing’s high defense. Alright, Acrophobia you’re next!
*Burgh uses a Hyper Potion and BubbleBeam is a 3HKO*
Oh for the love of god. I thought this was going to be easy.
*Well it still goes down pretty easily, and is followed by his Dwebble*
Ah not allowed to switch out of this one. No problem though, BubbleBeam should make quick work of this annoyance.
*It doesn’t have Sturdy and is OHKO’d because of it*
Booyah. Now, Acrophobia wants to learn Aqua Ring... no I don’t think so, not worthwhile enough. Don’t need more status moves for Assist to pull anyway >.>
*Then out comes Leavanny*
Shit, Acrophobia can’t touch this without Flying Moves. Alright, go Random! Maybe you can weaken it before getting inevitably destroyed.
*Random absorbs its Razor Leaf like it ain’t no thing*
Oh yeah! Just gotta hope for some luck now!
*Well it uses Protect. Sure all Metronome pulled was Bind, but still >.>*
And now this is going to be more annoying. Just... get some good stuff please.
*MOTHERFUCKING BLAZE KICK! O-O-O-OVERKILL!*
HOLY SHIT RANDOM! Way to pull it off! After how poorly you did against the freaking Sewaddles in this gym, I thought for sure you’d fail, but damn did you ever pull it off when I needed you to!

Now Burgh... just get rid of the clowns. And the outfit. PLEASE!!!!!!
*Nope, just an Insect badge and TM76 Struggle Bug.*
Well I guess I never have to come back here anyway... And now Healfodder can actually attack! Very weakly yes, but still, it’s an attack right?

Alright, and that’s enough for this chapter. Next time, we finish Route 4 and head to Nimbasa! I hope that Elsa doesn’t prove to be too much trouble, because otherwise this could get ugly...

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 3
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 7 (Yeah didn’t expect Burgh to do it. Bug types lol)
Location: Castelia Gym

Felix the Liepard

Level 23 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Scope Lens – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Pursuit
Cut
Sand-Attack

Well, evolving did help Felix out, as did being able to attack with Pursuit and Cut sometimes. Still, he manages to be distinctly underwhelming. Pursuit, his strongest attack barring drawing Bite through Assist, still hits for only mediocre damage. While his bulk is better than before, it’s still nothing special. His weakness to Bug and Fighting type attacks hasn’t helped much. Worst of all, he’s still forced to use Assist fairly frequently... and for some reason it loves drawing the 3 status moves I have on my team when I need an attacking move. Repeatedly. I mean seriously, I have drawn Leer, Defense Curl and Screech all in a row when the opponent is at 1 HP. Or, it’ll lower the opponent’s defenses then attack only with Acrophobias Special attacks (no one else has any). This is extra sure to happen if the opponent is a grass or water type. Seriously, RNG freaking hates me.

Healfodder the Karrablast

Level 15 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: None – Gender: Female
Moves:
Peck (unusable)
Struggle Bug
Endure
Fury Cutter (unusable)

Healfodder of course did nothing this chapter. But hey, what do you expect from her at this stage? Well now she has Struggle Bug, so she can at least attack, though I still don’t expect to use her much. However, her little epiphany is supposed to happen next chapter (moved forward from Chargestone Cave to Nimbassa), so soon she’ll finally be able to actually attack with physical moves! Now that will be a beautiful development.

Macho the Carvanha

Level 23 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Bite
Ice Fang
Rage
Retaliate

Funilly enough, it wasn’t Macho’s newly encountered restrictions that made him difficult to use this chapter. No, it was his old nemesis... his terrible bulk. He fainted a surprising number of times this chapter, as anything he can’t OHKO tends to hit hard back. Funnily enough, this has lead to more double KOs than I’ve ever seen before since Rough Skin often finishes off the last sliver of health the opponent has after taking one of his attacks. I can’t wait until he evolves in 7 levels though, because he’s powerful enough as it is but then... hooo boy nothing will survive his assault! But for now, I’ll just have to be careful using him.

Acrophobia the Ducklett


Level 24– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Water Pulse
Arial Ace (unusable)
Water Gun
BubbleBeam

Acrophobia remains as reliable as ever, with usable bulk and attacks that are powerful enough to make up for slightly below average special attack. He still has one huge issue though of course; COVERAGE. He is still limited to nothing but water type moves. He can usually still beat resists simply because he’ll take less damage from them than he does to them, along with a little confusion hax from Water Pulse on occasion, but man do I ever miss that flying STAB. I really can’t wait until he gets some different moves though, so he can finally get a little more versatility. Still, he does his job and Water is a very useful attacking type, so there’s only so much complaining I can do.

Random the Munchlax

Level 24 – Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Eviolite – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Screech (unusable)
Tackle (unusable)
Defense Curl (Unusable)
Usable Moves: Rock Slide, Smack Down, Focus Blast, Body Slam, Block

You know, Random’s bulk would seem outrageous if he could actually attack back reliably. He’s got a great attack stat that’s actually only slightly behind Macho’s and higher than Felix’s, but Metronome never seems to take advantage of it. What I really love about it is how it always seems to draw boosting moves... and then draw nothing but attacking moves of the opposite type afterwards. But hey, all that can be forgiven thanks to that one epic Blaze Kick. Really, for some reason, during major battles Metronome seems to decide to shape up and actually do what I need it to do instead of trolling me. Lord knows, it could have just as easily drawn 4 resisted special attacks in a row followed by Healing Wish against that Leavanny.

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 23 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Quick Attack
Force Palm
Feint
Rock Smash

Holy crap does he hit hard. Of course that will lessen as I progress in the game and his BP limit becomes an actual restriction, but right now? Shit man, Damaged is a powerhouse. For a brain damaged and physically impaired Lucario he sure does a damn good job at fighting. I can’t wait until I get Sword Dance, because then I can really kill shit. So far the fighting type solos haven’t really been an issue since he usually just OHKOs them with Force Palm, but I do worry about the future... it’s only a matter of time before the true horror of this challenge begins to show through.

Soooo what do you think the chances are that I won’t be sucked into another bit of story the second I leave the gym? Yeah I’m thinking around 0% chance too.
*As soon as I leave I get called by Bianca*
Fuck you want a battle? Oh at the gate to Route 4 eh? Alright at least that means I get some time to heal...

*So I head to the Route 4 gate and meet up with Bianca*
Let’s get this over with.
*I beat her easily, with Damaged even soloing her Pignite without getting hit*
Yeaaah you know getting your Pignite to use Defense Curl on a Lucario isn’t really a good idea. Maybe if you weren’t rock stupid you could be a better trainer.

*I leave the gate and see Cheren just beyond*
Oh great, looks like I’ll have another battle on my hands in a moment... this time in a sandstorm. Yippee.
*So yeah we battle, I win*
Ok let’s get ou-
*X-transceiver rings*
GODDAMIT ENOUGH WITH THE DELAYS!
*So it’s Juniper saying she wants to meet us outside the gate of Nimbasa city*
Oh wow, that was useful, it’s totally not like I wasn’t going to go there in a moment ANYWAY. Useless piece of...

Well at least I can finally move on now, just got to get through the rest of this route. Hopefully that’s as easily done as it is said...
*All the trainers have only 1 Pokemon, so yeah, as easily done as it was said*
Hmmm the path splits here. I guess the left path goes to the Desert Resort? I wonder if it’ll let me go there yet...

*On the way there, there’s a house with some workers in it*
Alright, bet there’s nothing to do here but ch-
*One of them gives me TM28 Dig for no damn reason*
I’m not complaining really, but seriously the generosity of the people of Unova is starting to make me suspicious...
*Damaged is able to learn Dig, but no one else. Shame it’s 80BP*
WELP looks like this isn’t going to get used for much. Thanks for nuthin’ Mr. Worker-guy.

Hmmm I can go here but I don’t think I should be yet. I know you come here as part of the story so... yeah I’ll go to Nimbasa first.
*So I enter the gate and meet with Juniper and Cheren. Juniper gives us Ultra Balls*
Yay, Pokemballs I’ll never use! And that was it huh? Wow, that was useful. Oh whatever, let’s go explore Nimbasa.

*I go inside and witness team Plasma tormenting the daycare man!*
OH SHIT YOU DID NOT GO THERE BITCHES! Time to die!
*So I cream one, and then they run away to the amusement park*
Yeah, don’t you pick on my RNG machin- errrr good friend the daycare man! Yeah... that’s what I meant.
*and then he gives me a bike*
Ok, well at least I DID something to earn the gift this time. Thank yee kindly good sir!
*And then Bianca out of nowhere*
Oh hi Bianca. You have anything interesting to say? No? Well fuck you then.

Ok, now to explore!
*I can buy TMs at the Pokemon center!*
Oh yes! RETURN BITCHES!
*I teach Return to Felix, Macho and Acrophobia*
Alright, anything else useful here? Let’s see, screens, safeguard, thunder wave, gyro ball... nope that’s it. But hey, Return is awesome. So I’m happy.

*I go to enter the battle subway, but am interrupted by a random trainer who gives me a Vs. Recorder. Yes, for no reason again.*
*Sigh* how did I ever think the gifts were less ridiculous this generation? Anyway, I might as well check out Anville Town if I can now. It’s not the weekend so I can’t trade my Star Pieces for PP Ups today, but there might be some other gifts there.
*Yup, I get a Rare Candy from a Battle Subway attendant*
At least he had a good reason, this being a lost and found item no one came to pick up so he’s like “screw it, you have it”. Makes some degree of sense.
The guy who gave it to me: “I’m sure the item is happier too!”
... Ok I take that back.

Ok, back to Nimbasa and probably on with the plot. I know that if I head to the amusement park that’ll advance it then and there, so I want to avoid that if I can for now...
*So I get a random Sun Stone for no reason at all*
Thanks random stranger, I’m sure I’ll find a use for this eventually. On my White version.
*And then I get HM04 Strength. For no reason*
Well thanks. Again, I have no idea why, but thanks.
*None of my team can learn it, due to restrictions and just being plain unable*
... Really? Well shit... looks like I might need to catch myself an HM slave. After that I can go on a little boulder hunt, but I think I’ll finish looking around first.

*I see Bianca outside the Musical building and talk to her*
Oh hey Bianca, what’s u-
Bianca: “OH HEY JIM I’M TAKING YOU INSIDE RIGHT NOW TROLOLOLOLOLOL”
Fuck you. And fuck Musicals. So much.
*Stupid man in a stupid suit gives us a stupid props case and I try to run away like hell*
CMON LET ME GO!
Stupid suit: “Now, Now. Don’t be like that. Please reconsider and select a Pokemon!”
WHY I JUST WANT TO LEAVE THIS GARISH PINK BUILDING ALREADY!
*I dress Random in a Hula Skirt with a Tennis Racket*
*snigger* Ok maybe this wasn’t so bad. But still, can I go now? PLEASE?
Oh I can? Well first I had better ask around and confirm that there’s nothing here for me.
*Actually a random woman gives me TM49 Echoed Voice*
Oh cool, can anything learn this?
*Just Felix and it’s inferior to his other moves*
Screw that then I could’ve just kept on walking...

*I step outside and right into an awkward situation*
Oh boy, that’s Bianca with her father. This’ll be fun to watch.
*So yeah, they fight, then Elesa shows up, convinces her dad just like that and goes.*
Basic summary:
Bianca: “HOLY SHIT DAD WHY ARE YOU HERE”
Dad: “I’M TAKING YOU BACK TO THE KITCHEN WHERE YOU BELONG BITCH”
Bianca: “OH HELL NO I’M STAYING OUT HERE”
Dad: “LIKE HELL YOU AR- WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.”
Elesa: “I’m very important and that totally justifies my butting into this conversation. Now I say she should keep going.”
Dad: “OH SUDDENLY I’M TOTALLY CONVINCED BECAUSE A HOT LADY TOLD ME. CYA BIANCA”
And then a promising plotline was brought to an abrupt and unsatisfying conclusion. The end.

Anyway, let’s check out these sports stadiums. There’s probably some trainers for me to train on here.
*In one court I can battle people. The other has a game going on*
Alright atheletes, let’s play a different game shall we? You’d beat the shit out of me in basketball, but in this game I have the advantage!
*Unless Random draws literally 6 non attacking moves in a row and the only attacking move he draws is when the opponent uses Protect*
... This is so fucking stupid.

Anyway, that’s actually it for Nimbasa minus the amusement park I’m not touching yet. Let’s see where I can go on these adjacent routes...
*To the left is Route 5, where I head first*
Alright, let’s see what I can do here.
*battle and collect items mostly*
Well that’s good enough for me. Oh and the reason why I can’t just go straight to Driftviel? The bridge is raised for ships can cross... for like, days straight. Apparently sea traffic is more important than foot traffic in Unova, even if it completely cuts off half the region from the other. Perfect sense!

Anyway, now let’s go to the right! Route 16, which we also won’t be able to progress along completely but whatever. First though, I need to grab a Pokemon that can learn strength...
*I go to Route 4 and quickly catch a Darumaka to be my Strength slave*
Perfect, this’ll do nicely.
*I head out and am immediately challenged by a Police Officer*
Great use of your time officer, it’s not like there’s a gang of dangerous criminals running around or anything...
*Felix wants to learn Hone Claws!*
I would if I had more space and Felix didn’t have the defenses of a wet paper bag, but neither is the case so I’ll pass.
Oh, and apparently bridge checks in Unova take up to months to complete because that’s why Marvelous Bridge is closed and will remain closed until after the main story. PERFECT SENSE!
*Macho wants to learn Assurance!*
Well Bite is usually more powerful unless I get hit first and Rough Skin activates, and Retaliate is almost as powerful normally and considering Macho’s stat distribution I’m a lot more likely to use Retailiate’s secondary effect than Assurances’. So yeah, skipping.
*Lo and behold, I find TM66 Payback in the dark grass!*
Let’s see anyone that would want to use this?
*All the Pokemon that can learn it are fast*
Well fine then... Screw you too Payback!

Now, what’s up here in this grove just to the east of Nimbasa hmmm?
*Errr... not much actually*
Well that was a waste of time... Alright, time to the last area I haven’t explored yet... the Desert Resort!

Alright, a doctor here to heal my Pokemon, nice.
Backpacker: “Having traveled the world I know that we can communicate through our Pokemon”
Yeah, you know what mine are communicating to you? It starts with F and ends with YOU.

Man this place is expansive...
Backpacker: “Oh! A sea of sand! I don’t need Go-Goggle here! Oh, I’ve come here all the way from the Hoenn region.”
Wonderful point, why don’t you need Go-Goggles? Yet again Gamefreak, hanging a lampshade on the plot hole does not make it go away!
*I find some Blackglasses in the sand*
Now how on earth did these get here? Oh whatever, Felix can make use of this.
*And then some wierd dude gives me Soft Sand because no one ever goes out in the middle of the desert to talk to him*
... Ok there are so many questions here.
*I continue to explore and finally come across TM39 Rock Tomb*
Oh hell yes, I know exactly who I’m giving this to.
*Damaged learned Rock Tomb over Feint!*
COVERAGE BITCHES! Flying and fire types beware, Damaged is in da house!

Alright, all that’s left now is the actual ruins. I’ll try entering the tower first, then the lone staircase surrounded by Zen Mode Darmanitan. I don’t know how far I’ll be able to go though...
*Turns out the Tower is completely inaccessible from this end*
WELP so much for that, staircase time!
*Acrophobia wants to learn Air Slash*
Yeah, no.
*just up ahead I get to take a fossil! For once there’s a good reason!*
They’re too heavy for her to carry both of them, that actually makes SENSE. Of course it doesn’t explain why I can carry what must be a metric tonne in my bag without being encumbered at all, but one thing at a time right? Anyway, taking the Cover Fossil because I took the Plume one on White.
*immediately after that though I’m stopped*
I can’t proceed because there’s too much sand? In a desert? WHO WOULDA THUNK IT. Hmmm I bet I can bypass this guy going through these quicksand holes in the floor.
*no of course not, don’t be silly. Something that creative would be far beyond Gamefreak’s capabilities*
Fudge muffins, foiled again.

Now, I think I’ll quickly backtrack and see if there’s anything worthwhile hiding behind the few Strength boulders I’ve passed so far in the game. At the very least I can pick up another Star Piece to trade in for a PP Up later.
*All I get for my trouble is the aforementioned Star Piece, a Rare Candy and Balm Mushroom I didn’t even need Strength to find, just the Itemfinder*
Well that was a waste of time. Oh well, at least I have my peace of mind now.

Ok I guess there’s no more avoiding it. It’s time to head into that amusement park and get this story rolling again.
*I enter and BOOM there’s N*
N: “You’re looking for Team Plasma right? They ran into the amusement park. Come with me.”
Admiral Akbar: “IT’S A TRAP!”
Yeah, I don’t have a choice do I. Alright, here we go...
N: “They’re not here. Let’s ride the Ferris wheel and see if we can spot them.”
The alarm bells going off in my head are deafening, but I still don’t seem to have a choice in the matter.
N: “The circular motion... the mechanics... they’re like collections of elegant formulas.”
Oh he’s also a total nutbar, as if I didn’t know that. Healfodder, what are you doing on the edge of that window?
N: “I must tell you, I am the king of team Plasma”
What a shocker. Wait, Healfodder! Carefu-! Aw shit, I hope she’s alright. N’s revelation actually shocked her enough that she fell off the wheel...
*We get off and a couple Plasma Grunts show up*
N: “Let my battle cover your retreat. ... Now then, Jimera, do you follow my logic?”
You mean your complete insanity? No, I don’t think anyone can quite follow that. Can I just see if Healfodder is alright?
*Nope, battle first. I kick his ass*
N: “You’re quite strong. But I have a future that I must change. And, for that future...”
*DRAMATIC CLOSE UP*
HOLY CRAP a little closer than I wanted to be to this psychopath thanks.
N: “I’ll defeat the Champion and become unbeatable, unlike any other! I’ll make all Trainers free their Pokemon! Just try and stop me!”
Ok I’m officially scared now. Just leave you freak, please. Healfodder seems to be out cold, I need to help her dang it.
*He finally obliges and now I’m free to look around the park*
Oh thank lord. That guy creeps me out so much. Healfodder I need to take you somewhere to rest I think...

Alright, looks like all that’s left is the gym now. Time to get dangerous...
*The gym is a neon “roller coaster” that looks more like something out of Tron than an amusement park ride*
I expect some cyber discus throwing to begin any second now (that shit happens in Tron right?)
*Turns out my team doesn’t like electric types much*
Yeah this isn’t going to be particularly fun, funky neon coasters or not.
*One of the opponents has an Emolga that manages to KO both Macho and Damaged*
Apparently Emolga outspeeds Macho despite being two levels lower >.>. Then Damaged... that was just ridiculous luck. He forgets how to use Rock Tomb and then gets paralyzed, and then is FP’d ¾ times. He would’ve won with Quick attack but noooo THREE OUT OF FOUR TIMES. God does RNG ever hate me...

Alright, just Elesa next. Acrophobia and Macho are going to be utterly useless here. I expect Damaged to be my only real hope here... I just hope he can manage it.

*She leads with one of her god-forsaken Emolga, while I lead with... Macho. Oops.*
Well shit. Oh well, double money if I win and hey, if she doesn’t attack with an electric attack I might actually KO it.
*No such luck, as Macho is OHKO’d by Volt Switch, and she switches to her other Emolga*
Alright, I have a plan. Wear them down with Random, go in for the kill with Damaged.
.
.
.
Please work!
*Volt-Switch does pathetic damage as I expected, and Metronome draws Gunk Shot, dealing huge damage to one of her Emolga!*
Hell yes. Wait, don’t these things have Double Team? OH SHI-
*Well if they do they aren’t using it, instead they continue to switch between eachother while Random continues to chip away at their health*
Damn, Random might actually win this by himself, I have the restoration items. Why couldn’t I use her as my solo instead of one of the other gyms dang it? I could evolve him right now...
*a critical Hi Jump Kick finishes off one of her Emolga, but gets Random paralyzed by Static*
Eh whatever he’s not outspeeding them anyway. One down! Maybe I have a shot at this after all.
*As she switches again, Zebstrika is nailed with a Hyper Beam. Unfortunately, now Random is near fainting*
Well it was fun while it lasted. Damaged should be able to clean up from here with some luck.
*Random faints to the next Spark, and Damaged comes in.*
Force Palm time! GO!
*For some reason she uses Quick attack, allowing Force Palm to bring Zebtrika to the low red*
Well there’ll be a healing item coming up. MOAR FORCE PALM!
*Sure enough a Hyper Potion gets used, but my Force Palm brings it back down to half health*
Mwahahahaa! Time to faint foo!
*BOOM! Pointles crit! But hey, Damaged beats it and levels up to boot!*
Awesome! Just that last Emolga to go. Rock Tomb!
*And she tells it to use Pursuit. Wow. But Rock Tomb misses anyway...*
Goddamit, why’d that have to miss? That was the perfect opportunity! Ah well, again!
*Volt Switch is used next dealing some minor damage, but nothing compared to the OHKO I deal with Rock Tomb!*
HELL YES VICTORY! God I was so scared this battle would be a disaster! Thankfully it turned out not to be. Three cheers for Damaged and Random!

Elesa: “Oh my, you have a sweet fighting style... I mean, you’re a great Trainer! Excuse me, I... uh... Oh, here! I want you to have this!”
Wait, did I just get hit on by a super model? Niiiiiiiiiiiice! Anyway, Bolt Badge and TM72 Volt Switch get! Shame nothing I have can use Volt-Switch, oh well. Oh, and Elesa said she’d meet me on Route 5 to get that bridge lowered so I can finally get to Driftveil too! Looks like I finally get to move on! Next time, Route 5! Oh, and maybe Healfodder will be ok then. Anyway, until then, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 4
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 7 (Elesa gave me a fright but wasn’t nearly as deadly as I feared)
Location: Nimbasa Gym

Felix the Liepard

Level 28 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Pursuit
Cut
Return

Felix actually rather impressed me this chapter. He’s fast and hits pretty hard... especially now that he has Return. As my team’s overall movepool improves the assist pulls are getting better too, though there’s still a tendancy to draw the two or three status moves I have left when I least need them. But hey, whatcha gunna do eh? I’m just glad he isn’t dead weight right now. Oh, and Limber actually was really nice in Nimbasa’s gym, with dozen ways there is to get paralyzed in there.

Healfodder the Karrablast

Level 15 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Quick Claw – Gender: Female
Moves:
Peck (unusable)
Struggle Bug
Endure
Fury Cutter (unusable)

Well she did nothing but get herself knocked out cold. Smooth move girl. Maybe that bump on the head will have knocked some usefulness into her next time around.

Macho the Carvanha

Level 27 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Bite
Ice Fang
Return
Retaliate

Macho is starting to fall behind the curb a little bit. He’s just barely not strong enough or barely not powerful enough far too often, and probably faints more often than anyone else on the team right now. Those defenses really screw him over. Thankfully, he evolves in a few levels and then both those issues should disappear. Not much longer my aggressive little friend. Soon you will be unstoppable! Unless you get nailed by Mach Punch of course.

Acrophobia the Ducklett

Level 27– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Water Pulse
Arial Ace (unusable)
Water Gun
BubbleBeam

Similarly to Macho, Acrophobia is starting to fall ever so slightly behind, though the addition of Return to his movepool has greatly improved his attacking power. His bulk isn’t really impressive anymore and his attack power was never that amazing to begin with. He isn’t bad, don’t get me wrong. He’s just ever so slightly below average in pretty much every category. Oh, and if an electric type shows up I’m just totally fucked. But hey, only 8 more levels and he evolves! Yeah, he’s really going to start sucking soon isn’t he?

Random the Munchlax

Level 28 – Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Eviolite – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Screech (unusable)
Tackle (unusable)
Defense Curl (Unusable)
Usable Moves: Rock Slide, Smack Down, Focus Blast, Body Slam, Block

Well Random was yet again a mixed bag, but that’s Metronome in a nutshell isn’t it? At least his bulk is really impressive, especially on the special side. I just wish Metronome didn’t troll me so much. Sure it didn’t do so very much against Elesa, but I didn’t mention all the issues I had with him against everything else. I’ve had him draw nothing but status moves until he fainted, motherfucking Heal Pulse on an Emolga, numerous attacks the opponent is immune to... it just seems to take every opportunity to troll me it can. But hey, if I can somehow magically solo Clay with Random next chapter, he can evolve! Yeah, Clay. Skyla is taken and the others are too far off. I am not looking forward to this.

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 28 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Quick Attack
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Rock Smash

Damaged continues to impress. Low BP moves be damned, he still hits hard. His typing is, for the most part, a blessing as Steel resists a lot of early game attacking types and Fighting combined with Normal hits most things well. With the addition of Rock Tomb to his movepool he got a more effective weapon against Fire and Flying types as well, which is obviously much appreciated. He isn’t as dominating as he was before though, and he did manage to faint to a Timburr he was forced to switch into (though that was mostly due to hax). At least it’s not much longer before he gets Sword Dance, and then things are going to get really hairy for his foes!

* TWO WEEKS OF PROCRASTINATION LATER*
Oh shit, I’m supposed to be doing a scramble. Riiiight where was I?
*Still in Nimbasa Gym*
Yeeeaaaah I’ve been falling behind haven’t I. Where was I? Oh right, Elesa was going to lower the bridge to Driftveil for me so I could finally move on. Let’s get on that then.

Oh but first...
*Gets some PP Ups from Anville Town*
Knew those Star Pieces would come in handy. Random’s Metronome is now maxed out!

NOW! Driftveil, here we come!
... Or I would be saying that if I didn’t want to fight more athletes in the sports stadiums first.
*One OHKO’d Blitzle later*
Alright, NOW to Drifveil. Probably.
*Nope, Cheren ambush!*
Oh for the love of... fine let’s battle.
*Macho wants to learn Crunch!*
Oh fuck yes. Now... to remove Retaliate or Bite? Given that I can’t use the same attack twice in a row two dark type moves might be beneficial, but Retaliate is a guaranteed OHKO on anything that doesn’t resist it if I use Macho to revenge kill... Well I can always give him back Retaliate later.
*His Servine uses a Sitrus Berry... which Healfodder tries to steal*
Woah there girl, you can’t go doing that. You’re not even in this battle. But you do seem more confident all of a sudden...
*Annoyingly, he manages to take out Felix with Servine, but other than that he goes down pretty easily*
Seriously you’re starting to get on my nerves...

*After the battle Elesa comes up, and is taking us to the bridge when suddenly we are stopped by a freaky fire haired man!*
Oh looky here, if it isn’t the champion himself! I’m sure this conversation will not get hostile at all with Cheren here, certainly not.
Cheren: “Why would the champion be goofing off in a place like this”
Alder: “I heard that remark.”
Oh yeah, this is golden.
Alder: “For your information, I’m not goofing off. I’m on a voyage.”
(Like that’s different)
Cheren: “I plan on becoming the champion.”
Alder: “What do you plan on doing after becoming champion?”
Cheren: “[paraphrase] there’s shit after becoming the champion??? I thought this was Red version!”
Alder: “[paraphrase] Blah blah, stronger isn’t everything, blah blah help people, blah blah boring shit”
Can we just move the fuck on.
Alder: “[paraphrase]nope, battle these little twirps first”
FUUUUUUUUU-!
*Cheren heals my Pokemon first at least*
Thank god, I wasn’t exactly ready for a battle right then...
*so we battle the Preschoolers and their Herdier, which actually demolish Cheren’s Panpour and Purrloin. Also, they both have Sitrus Berries which Healfodder tries to steal*
Damn it Healfodder, stop it! You’re getting silly.
*Anyway, after the battle Alder is all nice to the kiddies, gives us a little speech, and then we finally head off to the bridge*
About friggin’ time.
*So Elesa calls up Clay and the bridge is lowered in a fine display of the best graphics the DS has to offer*
This cutscene would’ve been a lot more impressive 4 years ago. With the 3DS out (and having BEEN out since before BW) it’s a liiiiiitttle underwhelming at this point.

BUT! Before I cross it, I think it’s time I gave Healfodder some training. GRINDIN’ TIME! Oh, but first...
*I teach Healfodder Attract over Endure*
Probably won’t be keeping it but it’s SOMETHING at least. Now she has access to her entire moveset! Yay!
*Healfodder wants to learn Fury Attack*
Hmmmm it might be her most powerful attacking option right now with a BP limit of 60. So, let’s go for that over Attract I suppose.
*Healfodder wants to learn Headbutt!*
... 70BP D: but I should keep it nonetheless... I’ll be able to use it quite soon. Fury Attack, Bye bye! You’re unreliable as fuck anyway.
*HealFodder wants to learn False Swipe*
No. Just no. Even Peck is better than this.
*Audino healed using it’s Oran Berry*
God I love loopholes. Headbutt is now usable! I’ll be evolving in no time!
*Finally, Healfodder reaches level 28 and learns Bug Buzz instead of Struggle Bug*
And there we go! Healfodder finally has a decent special bug attack to use when her restrictions kick off after evolving. Which will be soon, seeing as I’ll be damn stunned if I don’t see another item get used by the end of this chapter.

So anyway, now it’s time to finally actually head across that bridge! For real this time! I swear!
*I cross the bridge into the city and almost immediately run into Cheren and Clay*
Oh boy, more story! Let’s see what’s going on.
Clay: “Hrmph! So yer the Trainers Elesa was talkin’ about, huh. I’m clay. I’m the Gym Leader ‘round these parts.”
Good god if it wasn’t pouring rain in game right now I’d expect a tumbleweed to roll across my screen and to hear a horse neigh in the distance. I’m thinking he’s going to take us to the local coral for a showdown any second now.
Clay: “Don’t be expectin’ no welcome, now. ‘Cause when we lowered that bridge, the Team Plasma guys we’d caught done escaped in all the ruckus!”
Wait you’re blaming US for that? How the hell does lowering a draw bridge create so much confusion it allows prisoners to escape? I’m pretty sure that’s a sign of your own incompetence, not ours...
*Cheren is totally with me on this one, says virtually the same thing*
So anyway, Clay continues to blame us and then as punishment sends us after the escapees, as if we were planning on doing anything else anyway. Looks like it’s up to me and Cheren to deal with these dumbasses yet again...
Cheren: “But really, we would have looked for Team Plasma even if he hadn’t asked.”
STOP STEALING MY COMMENTS CHEREN!

Anyway time to stop team Plasma right away!
.
.
.
Yeah you didn’t believe that for a second, did you? EXPLORING TIME!
*The Pledge tutor is here!*
Yeah Bianca (the Oshawott not the character dumbasses) isn’t even on this game anymore, I traded it to White already. Soooo no thanks.
*Random old guy gives me a Shell Bell for no particular reason*
... Ok, that was random. Anyway, the items I already have are better.
*There’s a house at the top of the town with a bunch of really weird people*
Weird Woman: “Happiness is here today, gone tomorrow. There is no everlasting happiness, so don’t be greedy.”
Weird Man: “I want other people to like me... There is a reward... It’s OK to help people with such motivations.”
This is a cult isn’t it? It’s always a cult! FUCKING CULTS EVERYWHERE WHY DON’T YOU JUST DRINK YOUR DAMN PUNCH AND GO AWAY ALREADY????? ARRRRRRG!

*ADD kicks in a second later*
Ooo a market, what do they have here?
*bitter medicine, MooMoo Milk and a guy who won’t give me anything until I have a Pokemon at level 30*
Hmm lots of interesting stuff here. I’ll take the milk for sure, but definitely not the herbs. Hang on, there’s an item behind that counter of there...
*it’s a Big Pearl*
Fooey, and here I thought it was going to be a TM : (.
*Now there’s this guy who wants to teach me about rotation battles*
Ah sure why not, I need the exp anyway.
*Healfodder actually OHKO’s his Krokorok with Bug buzz*
Shit! That’s a damn good move isn’t it? Looks like Healfodder’s days of being useless are over!

Alright that’s everything except for the Cold Storage, and you know what? I’m going to go through Route 6 first. Y’all can’t stop me! Mwahar! Besides, I like the idea of Team Plasma just sitting there in the Cold Storage literally chillin’. I’ll just leave them on ice for a little longer yet.

*after battling a couple trainers, Damaged wants to learn Me First!*
AHAHAHAHAHAHA- no.
Parasol Lady: “Pouring Rain, Fighting Pokemon*
*looks around* err lady, it isn’t raining. I think you need to get your vision checked.
What’s this? A research lab... for seasons. We really need to be researching seasons? Now? At the point where society is so technologically advanced that we can turn living beings into pure data and back again? Am I the only person that sees issues with this?
*Acrophobia wants to learn Roost*
Goddamit. Stupid no flying type move restriction...
*An Emolga faints Macho and haxes Damaged to death*
Goddamnit
*There’s a rest house right nearby*
Oh, well that’s convenient!
*Macho is evolving!*
OH FUCK YES.
*Macho evolved into Sharpedo*
All thou petty worms in the dirt shall bow before the might of Macho, for he is the bringer of pain! ALL HAIL THE KING OF SHARKS!
*Macho wants to learn Slash*
Nope, Return is better.

Anyway, that seems to be the whole route explored. Chargestone cave is covered in a massive electrified web so there’s no heading there yet and the rest of the route can only be explored via surf. Guess there’s no more delaying it; to the Cold Storage I go!
*there are a lot of kids mucking around the industrial area! Nothing could go wrong here*
After more than a decade of playing these games it’s becoming very clear that the Pokemon world has a very different outlook on child rearing than our society does.
*Random worker gives me a Rocky Helmet for no reason*
Ok then, thanks I suppose. I think Healfodder could make good use of this...
*When I get to the Cold Storage building Cheren joins me, ready to take on Plasma*
Oh yeah, things just got Plasbad hella fast. Plasbad for team Plasma that is!

Oh right. This place is one big ice sliding puzzle. Fun.
*All the workers in here want to battle!*
Shouldn’t you people be, y’know, working? Instead of holding back a highly skilled task force sent to neutralize dangerous criminals? Just sayin’.
.
.
.
And yes, I did just call my team a “highly skilled task force”. Problem?
*Much sliding and battling later*
Ah here we are. An open shipping container! Surely there’s nothing at all suspicious inside there!
*Yeah Cheren and I head in and find team Plasma, what a surprise*
Time to get this over with.
*8 Plasma grunts are all huddled around one of the seven sages*
Woaaaaaaaaaaaah what did I just walk in on? I’m thinking maybe I should just walk right back out...
*Naw, they’re just trying to keep the poor sage warm*
Stupid place to hide if you can’t even take the cold... seriously, you could’ve just, y’know, ran away or something.
*So then me and Cheren are assaulted by 8 Plasma grunts*
4:1 odds? That’s really unfair you know. For them that is! Wahahahaa.... god that joke is so overused why did I make it?
*Obviously, they don’t stand much of a chance, though Random does get Selfdestruct >.>*
God Metronome, why you have to troll so much? Ah well, did what I had to do. Now what are you useless lumps of crap going to do?
*nothing much, because Clay comes in right afterwards and takes them into custody*
Well, it looks like someone other than me is actually getting things done for a change! Maybe the people in this world aren’t as useless as I thought they were. Now, what’s this item sitting at the back of the container?
*It’s NeverMeltIce!*
Oh amazing! I’ll get sooooooo much use out of this. Not.

Alright, time to challenge the gy- why is Ghetsis here? Fucking... What makes you think you can just come and take your bunch of crooks without a second word? Right Clay? Clay?
*Clay takes Ghetsis’ lies hook line and sinker and lets them go*
........ I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Anyway, time to finally beat this gym! Random has to solo this if I want him to evolve any time soon... god I hope this turns out ok.
*The puzzle for this gym is a series of elevators, which is kind of an old idea*
Didn’t they have this exact same puzzle more or less in DPP? Oh whatever, I just want to get to Clay already...
*Or maybe not, because just the ordinary trainer Pokemon are giving me trouble*
Oh for the love of... I’m going to have to grind first or something aren’t I? I don’t think I can do it like this... I’m fainting to Krokorok that are 3 levels lower than me!
*Felix wants to learn Assurance*
Hmmm it IS slightly more powerful than Pursuit but it has half the PP... Ah screw it, I hardly get to use Pursuit as it is, usually Return is more powerful than either of these attacks anyway. Assurance it is.
*I step on the final elevator and woaaaaah!*
Holy crap, that was a pretty spectacular ride. And look at the size of the green crystals down here! This place is pretty damn cool I do have to say. The puzzle might not be new but at least they made the gym look a lot cooler this generation!

Unfortunately though, I don’t dare stay here, as it’s pretty clear to me that Random is not up to the challenge just yet. First, I have some grinding to do. I just might get him all the way to level 36 for Body Slam if I have to... though that really feels like cheating.
*I get Random to level 33 and then stop*
Alright this should be enough, especially since I have some X-Defends which should prevent me from getting destroyed too badly. So yes... it’s time!

The plan is, unfortunately, very laid out for me, thanks to the fact that all Random can do is spam Metronome. Basically, I’m going to use a crapload of X-Defends on Random, then start using Metronome and hope for the best. With any luck this won’t take me more than a couple tries...

*So it starts out with him leading with his Krokorok*
Alright, I had better check and make sure he doesn’t have anything that’ll screw with my set u-
*Torment*
Oh HELL no! That, along with Taunt, is one of the worst things Random can face, preventing me from using Metronome consistently. I’ll have to switch in order to undo it, so I can’t set up X-Defends until after this thing is down. Goddamnit, this really complicates matters.
*First turn it uses Swagger, so of course Random hits itself for almost a third of his health*
Oh for the love of... one more try. Then I have to switch out and heal...
*Next up, Torment! But at Random at leasts gets to use Dragon Pulse, doing about as much damage to Krokorok as he did to himself last turn*
Clay: “Well I’ll be, I didn’t see that comin’!”
Heh heh, that actually makes a lot of sense in this context. Anyway, I have no choice but to switch out now. Time for Healfodder to live up to her name...
*Healfodder is hit by Crunch... and Rocky Helmet activates*
CRAP! I think that disqualifies this as a solo... fucking hell... reset #1... due to a technicality. Fuck.

*Take two, this time without Rocky Helmet on Healfodder*
Please work Metronome, PLEASE WORK!
*Swagger is the first move used again, but this time Random doesn’t hit himself in confusion. Instead he gets Frost Breath, taking out half of Krokorok’s health*
Hell yes, now things are looking up! Time to cross my fingers...
*Apparently finger crossing doesn’t work. Crunch lowers Random’s defense and he hits himself in confusion, taking out nearly 2/3s of his health in one turn*
Wow that turn could not have gone worse. I’ll try once more... maybe Random won’t kill himself?
*Crunch brings Random down to 7hp, but Metronome works! HI JUMP KICK!*
OH FUCK YE-
*It misses, Random faints*
FUCKING BULLSHIT *reset #2*
.
.
.
Ok so I could’ve used a Revive, but fuck that. That was such complete and utter bullshit I can taste it.

*This time it opts for Torment right away, allowing a free Gyro Ball via Metronome. Unfortunately it only did around 1/3 damage to Krokorok.*
Gosh darn it... Well I have no choice but to switch out then back in, because I can’t use Metronome again.
*It uses Swagger as Healfodder comes in, but it misses*
Whatever, doesn’t matter, Random is coming right back in anyway.
*unfortunately, Swagger doesn’t miss Random as he switches in*
This had better not screw me over...
*Thankfully it doesn’t, and Crunch hits very lightly. Metronome draws Bind, which, thanks to Swagger, actually does more damage than Gyro Ball did*
Bwahahaha STAB +2 Bind to the FACE! That’s pretty damn funny. Now I just have to hope the next move goes well...
*Clay uses a Hyper potion, but Random snaps out of confusion! So that it can use Defog. Yeah.*
Goddamit, don’t fail me now Metronome... And holy crap Healfodder, you’re not supposed to be coming in just yet! Hey leave Clay’s Hyper Potion alone! Wait a second... does this mean... yes... you are ready! But not now, kind of battling a Gym leader at the moment.
*Krokorok uses Swagger yet again, and this time Random hits himself, doing utterly massive damage to himself at +4*
OUCH. Now I have a choice to make... stay in and hope to be able to keep the +4 he’s given me, or switch out for the much safer heal. As tempting as it is to go on with +4, I’m thinking healing is the best move.
*Good thing I did, because Krokorok’s next move is Torment*
Yeah, glad I didn’t stay in. A Moomoo Milk should get Random back into top shape.
*So I do, then switch him back in, thankfully only taking minor damage from Crunch on the switch*
Alright, so far so good. Just need a bit more luck...
*Krokorok uses Torment again, only to get OHKO’d by Low Sweep! Krokorok is replaced now by Palpitoad*
Perfect, Palpitoad is the perfect set-up fodder for Random. I just have to switch out to remove Torment.
*The switch goes off without a hitch and I start setting up X-Defends*
I just hope Muddy Water doesn’t lower my accuracy while I’m setting up... but if I hope to ever beat Excadrill, I need to do this.
*Over the course of 5 turns I set use 3 X Defends, one X Accuracy and another Moomoo milk, setting up Random for his epic Metronome sweep.*
Thankfully Muddy water only lowered Random’s Accuracy once, so I’m at normal Accuracy for now. It’s all up to Random and his Metronome pulls now...
*Of course, Muddy water lowers his accuracy again next turn, but I manage to draw Spore at least*
Goddamit, now I’m at -1 Accuracy. I did NOT need another luck element added into this. At least Spore means I can afford some time...
*Sleep only lasts for one turn unfortunately and Mud Bomb does little damage*
Alright, this is not looking grea-
*BELLY DRUM*
Oh damn, shit just got serious! I have to heal now of course, but this could be a game changer...
*Next up, Electro Ball.*
That’s right, get up to +6 then draw an ineffective special move. Bravo Random, bravo.
*At least Palpitoad seems to be out of Muddy Water PP now, so Random’s accuracy won’t be going any lower. Unfortunately, he also draws Dark Pulse which does shit-all to Palpitoad*
Oh for the love of Arceus, I’m going to have to start using Ethers at this rate. Well I think I’ll heal Random again while I have the chance, seeing as I might not have the opportunity against Excadrill.
*the next attack Metronome draws? Doom Desire*
GODDAMIT STOP DRAWING SPECIAL MOVES!
*I decide to use an Ether so I don’t need to waste a turn against Excadrill*
Hey, it’s not like Palpitoad can hurt Random at all anyway so I might as well.
*Next up, he draws Gravity.*
Well at least that solves my accuracy issues temporarily. Now please, PLEASE draw a good attack?
*And suddenly...*
STRENGTH! Booyah! I think Random just sent that Palpitoad right back to the surface with that punch. Now here comes the real threat... Excadrill. I wish I wasn’t at half health for this, but I can’t really afford to take the time to heal because it has Hone Claws. I just have to hope...
*Sure enough, that’s what Excadrill leads off with. Unfortunately, Metronome decides to draw Rock Polish*
I should’ve just healed... for the love of Arceus, please draw a physical fighting type attack. PLEASE!
*It uses Hone Claws again, now having the equivalent of a SD boost. But then...*
Wood Hammer! That should do the trick!
*Oh yes, yes it does!*
FUCK YEAH YOU JUST GOT OHKO’D BY A MUNCHLAX! TAKE THAT MR. UBER-PANTS!
*AHEM*
I mean, good match kind sir.

Well, that could’ve turned out a lot nastier than it did. Took a few more items than I would have liked, but I got the job done at least. The Quake Badge is mine! Oh, and he’s going to give me a T- wait no? He wants me to meet him at Chargestone Cave first? Well I guess so, if I want to actually get his TM. Not like I have a choice in the matter is there?

But we’ll do that next chapter. As is customary for me, I’m going to leave off inside the gym. Next time, Chargestone Cave and Mistrialton City! Until then, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 5
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 9 (With my luck, I’m just glad it wasn’t more)
Location: Driftviel Gym

Felix the Liepard

Level 31 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Assurance
Cut
Return

Felix is actually starting to look better and better as time goes on, surprisingly enough for a Liepard. With good attack and speed, he really gets the job done most of the time. Assist isn’t as bad as it used to be now that most of my Pokemon don’t have useless moves, meaning it’s actually somewhat reliable now. Better yet, I’m not forced to use it very often, as Felix has been at an odd HP number for a while now. He no longer has odd HP now though, but in another chapter that won’t matter, since he won’t need to use Assist at all unless he’s in red HP. I won’t have to put up with it much longer. I’m afraid that by then he’ll start to feel the power creep though... but as one of the few reliable attackers on my team, I’m starting to think it won’t matter that much for him.

Healfodder the Karrablast

Level 31 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Quick Claw – Gender: Female
Moves:
Peck
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
Fury Cutter

So, now Healfodder thinks she’s some sort of super thief. I’d be annoyed if it weren’t for the fact that it means she isn’t useless anymore. Bug Buzz is actually pretty damn potent despite her lowish special attack, since it’s basically a Bug type Psychic. Headbutt isn’t bad either, and she’s actually not that slow right now. Her unevolved status is somewhat painful though, as she still doesn’t quite measure up to some of her teammates, even now. But that’ll all be changing now that she finally seems to be ready to evolve. I’m thinking Healfodder is about to go from dead weight to super badass!

Macho the Sharpedo
(Tinypic is down so currently a picture is unavailable)
Level 31 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Bite
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Macho was really starting to show some signs of weakness early on in this chapter, as his speed just wasn’t high enough to keep up with some opponents and his power fell just short of OHKOing everything he needed to. As a result, he fainted a lot. But then he evolved and... oh Arceus. NOTHING can stand up to him. Everything so far has been OHKO’d, and he isn’t outsped by much anymore, not with a Hasty Nature and 100 base speed. He’s still got tissue thin defenses yes, but does that matter when everything is OHKO’d by his almighty Crunch? No, no it does not.

Acrophobia the Ducklett

Level 31– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Water Pulse
Arial Ace (unusable)
Return
BubbleBeam

Acrophobia on the other hand has NOT gotten the chance to evolve this chapter, and it shows. He’s really behind the curve these days. He can’t hit very hard and what once seemed like decent defenses now seem laughably weak. Thankfully, it’s not much longer now until he evolves and becomes a lot more powerful. He also is looking to cure his fear of flying types now, so next chapter promises to be a very interesting one for this little duck...

Random the Munchlax

Level 33 – Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Eviolite – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Screech (unusable)
Tackle (unusable)
Defense Curl (Unusable)
Usable Moves: Rock Slide, Smack Down, Focus Blast, Body Slam, Block

I’m not going to lie; Random was really starting to annoy me this chapter. Metronome is notoriously unreliable and drew Self-Destruct twice this chapter. His solo of Clay was my hardest one since Felix’s solo of the first gym, and bumped me up to more resets than I’ve ever had in a scramble before. Things are finally looking up now though, as two new things are going to happen next chapter. One, he’s going to evolve, and while he might lose some bulk from Eviolite he’ll make up for it with increases to his other stats. Two, he’ll finally be learning Body Slam, which will finally give him a reliable (and very powerful) attacking option to abuse. Of course though, I’ll be letting the others catch up to him in level first... I had to over-level him a bit to stand a chance against Clay.

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 31 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Quick Attack
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Rock Smash

Yup, Damaged is still an offensive powerhouse, and his defenses really aren’t that bad either, not compared to some of his teammates anyway. His fighting type solos have gone pretty well, mostly by virtue of the fact he OHKOs or 2HKOs everything he faces. What HAS been annoying though is his tendency to forget moves at crucial moments. When he gets haxed to death by stuff like Emolga, I’m not just talking about in-game hax; the only way it’s happening is because he seems to always forget how to use Rock Tomb when I need it most. Really, the only time he seems to faint is when he forgets a move I desperately need him to use. At least he’ll be getting Sword Dance soon, which should make him even more powerful than before. He’ll need it, as his fighting type foes are only going to get more threatening as time goes on...

Hey everyone, I just got back from a super awesome adventure with Healfodder where she stole the fabled helmet of Shelmet. There were assassinations, traps, temples and oh god you just had to be there. Anyway, long story short, Healfodder is all evolved now. Sorry you had to miss it :O!

Alright, guess it’s time to go meet Clay then. Surely there’s NO chance I’ll be interrupted on my way there!
*And as soon as a leave town, BOOM Bianca*
Yeah saw that coming. Battle I’m guessing?
*yup*
Well I could solo her with Random to knock out that requirement right away, but I think I’ll wait until I get Body Slam and y’know, DON’T have to solo all 4 or 5 of her Pokemon with Metronome. Yeah, I like the sound of that.
*Instead I just kick her scrawny teenage ass*
So are we done here now? Because I have bigger fish to fry. You didn’t even knock out one of my severely restricted Pokemon this round you know >.>
*And BOOM HM02 Fly*
OK nevermind. All is forgiven. GIMME GIMME! I need to get moar star pieces! And also X-Items! But I need an HM Slave since Acrophobia isn’t allowed to use it... hmmm....
*I catch a Tranquill on Route 6 and use it to fly back to Nacrene city to get the aforementioned items*
There we go, now I’m ready for Chargestone cave. Oh yeah, spoilers. We’re going there next. Big surprise, I know.

*So, Clay shows up when I get to the electroweb, which he removes with his Krokorok. He then gives me TM78 Bulldoze and leaves*
Well that was eventful. Anyway, I’m giving Damaged Bulldoze instead of Rock Smash. I don’t know if I should give it to Macho yet though... I’ll wait on it for now I think.

Alright, let’s head inside and – WOAH! This place is TRIPPY! Blue and electric shit and floating rocks and damn this place is so wild.
*BOOM! A wild N appears!*
Oh shit...
*I approach him and BOOM Shadow Trio! Well, Shadow duo; only two of them show up*
Hey now, why are you dragging me to N? And now they’re gone? Wait, N wanted to see me? SO HE KIDNAPPED ME???? WHY????!?!??!?! OH FUCK HE’S GOING TO EAT MY ENTRAILS OR SOMETHING!
N: “You have been chosen, you know. Does it surprise you I said that?”
Fuck man, NOTHING you say surprises me anymore. I just hope I haven’t been chosen for LUNCH.
N : “If you don’t understand what that means, it’s not likely to surprise you.”
No shit. It also doesn’t surprise me to hear a crazy person spout crazy shit. Funny thing isn’t it?
N: “I told Ghetsis about you and your friends”
... Great, two crazy shits on my case now. Thanks.
N: “After I did, he apparently used the Shadow Triad to find out about you.”
Alright, so that’s stalking, kidnapping, assault... how come you’re not in prison yet?

Sooooo then he goes on to tell me that Team Plasma is ahead so Ghetsis can test me. And then he leaves and I don’t have to battle him! Holy shit I didn’t think I was getting out of that one. Alright, let’s go smush some Plasma grunts and push some giant, floating and glowing rocks around alright? Maybe accomplish one by doing the other...

*oh, and Bianca shows up and explains the floating rocks, which I already know about*
Yeah I already know can I mo-
*Professor Juniper comes out of nowhere*
OH FUCK JUST LET ME MOVE ON ALREADY!
Juniper: “BLAH BLAH BLAH electricity BLAH BLAH BLAH Pokemon BLAH BLAH BLAH floating shit BLAH BLAH Klink BLAH BLAH here’s a Lucky Egg! BLAH BLAH BLAH.”
*tunes her out*
Yeah yeah, Klink is amazing and shit and electicity and wait you’re giving me free shit? Oh uh, yeah I was totally listening, thanks!

*So I move on and push a lot of rocks and battle a lot of trainers*
Ace Trainer: “I’ll test you to see if you have what it takes to take on the Pokemon League!”
Uh, you know this isn’t Victory Road right? Isn’t it a bit early for that?
*Healfodder wants to learn Slash*
Naw, Headbutt is better, no thanks.
*And then as I move up a little bit further I’m interrupted by Juniper and Bianca again*
OH MY GOD EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Juniper: “BLAH BLAH BLAH Klink is less than 100 years old as a species! BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
Bianca: “BLAH BLAH BLAH OOOOOO POKEMANS ARE MYSSSSTTTEEERIOUS! BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
Oh god, MAKE IT STOP!
*Then I move a little bit further on and BOOM Shadow Triad*
...... I give up. I’m clearly going to keep being annoyed for all eternity, it is my fate.
*They just show me the way to Team Plasma and leave*
Whupdie do and fuck you too. I’m going to do the shit I actually want to do now, thanks.

And then there are these guys called the Nugget brothers... who each give you a Nugget... for no reason... in the depths of an eclectically charged cave... there is no sense in this... at all.

Oh, and here’s some Plasma Grunts! Let’s see what wonderful nuggets of wisdom they have to share with me hmmm?
Plasma Grunt: “You... You came here because somebody manipulated you.”
Errrr... no. I came here because it’s the only way to progress to the next town and you’re in my way. Now get OUT of my way before I have Macho rip your arm off.
*Many Plasma grunts later, I reach two staircases, one going up and the other down*
Well logic says that the way the fuck out of here would be up towards the surface, so yeah that’s where I’m headed.
*And right there is N*
...... FUCKING BALLSACK!
N: “Many different values mix together, and the world becomes gray... that is unforgivable! I will separate Pokemon and people, and black and white will be clearly distinct! Only then will Pokemon become perfect beings! Yes, that is my dream! That is the dream I must fulfill!”
Dude... do you ever, y’know, listen to yourself talk? I mean, even YOU have to realize you sound crazier than a load of drunken chimpanzees.
N: “Jimera, do you have a dream of your own?”
Yeah, to GET TO FUCKING MISTRALTON CITY ALREADY!
N: “You have a dream... That’s wonderful. I’ll learn what kind of dream you have – in battle!”
... You didn’t even hear what I just said did you?
*I pretty much solo him with Damaged, who hardly gets scratched the whole battle*
Some bond you have with your Pokemon. Which I should point out, you get new ones of every time I battle you. What happened to your last team, did you just chuck them in a ditch somewhere or something?
*Damaged wants to learn Quick Guard!*
BAHAHAHAHA- No x2.
N:”Tsk, why? Is it impossible for me to win while feeling bad about being a Trainer? As if I could pursue my ideals with something as meaningless as a battle! As if that could make me worthy to become friends with the legendary Pokemon!”
Holy shit man, chill before you blow a gasket. You lost, it happens. Especially when you use newly caught Pokemon.
*And then Bianca and Juniper show up out of nowhere*
Oh my god what now?
*N starts bitching at Juniper for no goddamn reason, insults the Pokedex, and then Juniper is all like “sure whatever” and suggests the unthinkable (for N)!*
Juniper: “Why don’t people just decide for themselves how to relate to Pokemon?”
And of course, N does not take this well and throws another tantrum, and runs away like the little bitch he is.
*They leave and I decide to finish exploring this cave*
Sure I could leave now but there’s a lot down here I haven’t seen yet. Probably loads of sick l00t!

*Further exploration yields more battles, random valuables, a Magnet and some Bright Powder*
Alright, could get some use out of the Bright Powder I suppose. It’s time to get the hell out of here in any case. Mistralton City, here I come!

Ok, so what’s in our lovely airport city hmmmm?
*New TMs*
FUCK YEAH!
*All weather inducing moves*
... Fuck.
*Move deleters and relearners!*
Ah yes, this could come in handy. I wonder if anyone has any moves I’d like them to learn...
*Does a quick check on Bulbapedia, finds that Healfodder can learn Twinneedle and Damaged can learn Metal Claw*
Oooooo Metal Claw looks great for another STAB when he randomly decides to forget Force Palm, though the coverage is totally redundant. Better than Quick Attack at least. Shame Bullet Punch is an egg move. I won’t bother with Twineedle though, seeing as the X-Scissor TM is on the very next route.
*I try to head up further into town but am interrupted by some dude, who is walking by with Skyla*
Dude: “OH HEY LET ME SEE YOUR POKEDEX! ALSO I KNOW YOUR NAME SOMEHOW!”
... Who the fuck are you?
*He’s Juniper’s dad, Cedric, actually*
Oh, I see. That explains a lot. Now, are we done?
*Nope, first he upgrades my Pokedex with the “forms” feature*
Oh yeah, that’s useful.
*Apparently Cedric is bugging Skyla to fly him out to Kanto and Sinnoh*
C’mon, she already said it’s a cargo plane, stop bugging the poor girl.
*Then Skyla tells me that she saw something she needed to check out at the Celestial Tower when she was flying*
Oh joy, something else delaying my progress! I am so shocked by this development!
Skyla: “I’m sure that it is a sick Pokemon!”
Wait, you saw a Pokemon from a fucking plane? How low were you flying O.O? This is a cargo plane we’re talking about here; those things don’t tend to fly just a few hundred feet in the air.

Oh whatever, let’s see what else is here.
*Random person in the airport gives me a Sharp Beak for no reason*
Errr... thanks? I guess? Where the hell did you get the dismembered beak of a bird anyway...?
*TM58 Sky Drop is on the runway!*
Oh joy, a TM that can be taught to like, 15 Pokemon, with most of those being legendaries. Totally useful, totally.
Worker: “It’s dangerous to play in a landing strip, but you should be OK on ours. We only have one cargo flight a day.”
Wait, just one? A day???? Dude, even the backwater local airports in my area have more flights than that. What the hell is with the Pokemon world? I mean, it’s not like Pokemon can fly you across oceans, they’d drop dead from exhaustion. How does anyone get around in this world?

*Nothing else in town of interest*
And that’s it huh? Man, that was a boring ass town. In any case, it’s time to move on now. Route 7, here I come!
*First battle, Random Vs. wild Foongus! Runs out of PP before killing it*
Fuck you Metronome. FUCK. YOU. I can’t wait for Body Slam...
*bad Metronome and assist pulls mean Felix AND Random faint to a WILD Zebstrika*
STOP TROLLING ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRG!
*Finally, against a Youngster...*
Random leveled up!
*Random evolved into Snorlax*
Fuck yes.
*Switches out Evolite for the Rocky Helmet*
Won’t be needing Evolite anymore, but the Rocky Helmet should help a lot when I get bad Metronome pulls...
*Acrophobia wants to learn Rain Dance!*
Hmmm... yes... I think so. I guess it’s time to finally ditch Aerial Ace. I only kept it for Assist anyway. This should be veeeeery useful to me.
*Felix wants to learn Slash*
Unfortunately, I cannot delete Cut, so no dice. But hey, he has odd HP again at least!
Random girl: “Oh, bold enough to come talk to me trainer? Then take this!”
*Gives me TM57 Charge Beam, much to my confusion*
Bold? What? Huh? Why? BRAIN HURT!
*And random Rotation battle out of nowhere!*
Wait, these can just come out of the blue at any time? Shit, I need to keep my party more organized...
*Macho wants to learn Aqua Jet!*
Priority and a Water-type Physical STAB? YES PLEASE! It might be a bit weaker than Bite, but the coverage and utility will more than make up for that.
*Acrophobia is evolving!*
FUCK YES! Finally, you won’t be dead weight! Not to mention this’ll make your solo so much easier...
*Acrophobia evolved into Swanna*
I always liked swans, but why did they have to make Swanna look so damn pissed?

It looks like it just caught me up past my bedtime or something.

Hmmm Celestial Tower... do I go there first, or finish off Route 7? Ah screw it, less backtracking if I do it now.
*Nothing in here but graves, stairs and trainers. Oh, and Litwick. Lots of f**ing Litwick*
Well this place is boring.
Lass: “Meow Meow Meow! This sign means to battle with me!”
... What?
*Found TM61 Will-O-Wisp!*
:D
*no one can learn it*
D:
Psychic: “When I come here... At Celestial Tower, strangely, I feel the urge to fight. Does that prove I’m alive?”
No it just proves you like fighting in a graveyard you sick fuck.
*After backtracking for the umpteenth time to the Pokemon Center to heal*
Goddamit, I remember there being a healing house around here somewhere... could it be? No...
*Yup, it’s literally a 3 second run further down the route from Celestial Tower. I don’t even have to walk through grass to get there.*
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
*two battles later there’s a nurse inside the tower that’ll heal my Pokemon*
Ok, now the game is just mocking me.
*Random wants to learn Body Slam*
OH MY FUCKING GOD, FINALLY! Metronome, you rule Random no more! Now he just visits every once in a while, y’know? He’s his own man now.
*After way too fucking long, I finally get to the top of Celestial Tower*
Alright, here’s Skyla. I wonder what’s happening up here?
*Oh, so she just handled it herself and I totally didn’t have to come here at all.*
Skyla: “Hee hee, don’t I have great eyesight? No matter how far away things are, a Pilot’s eyes can see them!”
Oh, so that’s how you saw an injured flying type on the top of fairly short tower from 30,000 feet. Pilots have superhuman eyes! Gotcha.
*So she makes me ring the stupid bell then leaves for the gym, awaiting my challenge*
Well that was fun. But before I battle you Skyla, I have a Route to finish exploring.

*Suddenly the X-Transceiver rings as I reach the top of some stairs*
Oh. My. God. WHAT NOW?
Digi-Mon: “HI THERE HOW ARE YOU DOING POKEMON ARE AWESOME! BYE!”
... I’m going to fucking kill her for wasting my time.
*TM81 X-Scissor get!*
HELL YES! Say goodbye to Fury Cutter Healfodder, and HELLLOOOO TO POWER! Finally, a good physical STAB! It’s about damn time.
*Battles on raised walkways. Narrow as fuck raised walkways. MAKES PERFCT SENSE!*
Stupid clowns... they’re going to get themselves and I killed when we snap our necks falling off this shit.
*Get to twist mountain, get turned away because I don’t have the Mistralton City badge yet*
... Fuck you; I’m plenty strong enough to go in there. The Pokemon in there can’t be more than a couple levels higher than out here. Oh whatever, I need to get the badge anyway.

Alright, hello gym! And what’s this gym’s trick eh?
*Cannons*
Wait, am I supposed to shoot something with these? Do I press a butto-
*Cannon sucks me in and fires me out*
WHAT THE FUUUUU-
*Lands safely on a fucking metal floor*
How the fuck am I still alive? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA?!??!?!??!?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!!!!!
*After a short mental breakdown I get down to business messing up gym trainers*
Worker: “Trainer! Do you remember what you were told at the beginning? ‘The cannons go up, down, left and right. You can enter them from anywhere!’ How about that? I am good at imitating him aren’t I?”
If by imitating him you mean being amazingly fucking annoying, then, yes, yes you are. And seriously. CANNONS!?!?!?!?
*Oh, and to boot, the second to last cannon LITERALLY FIRES YOU INTO A WALL. You even slide down it.*
And yet, I am not dead. I know Pokemon plays fast and a loose with reality but this is just ridiculous.
*SO! Anyway, I finally reach Skyla!*

Alright, the plan is pretty simple I’m going to have Acrophobia set up Rain Dance in order to deal with her first two Pokemon, then I’ll spam return on her Swanna until it faints. I have healing items to ensure I don’t get fucked up. Should work! Right?
Skyla: “Did you enjoy flying with the help of the Mistralton Gym cannons?”
I FUCKING FLEW INTO A WALL YOU NUTJOB!
*Sooooo anyway, she leads with her Swoobat against Acrophbobia*
Good good, this should all work out nicely...
*The fucker uses Amnesia on me*
And there goes my boosted damage. I just hope I can KO this thing before the rain runs out...
*I use Return instead of water attacks, and good thing I did because it uses Amnesia again but is 2HKO’d by Return*
There we go, looking good. Just one more.
*It uses Acrobatics next, nailing Acrophobia for more than a third of his health. It is however swiftly KO’d in retaliation*
Alright, so now Unfezant is out. A Bubblebeam or two should KO this thanks to the rain.
*BOOM! OHKO! The power of rain boosted moves proves itself yet again!*
Alright, sweet! It’s Swanna vs Swanna now! Return is going to be my best option again... I just hope it isn’t strong enough to KO me from this health...
*Return falls just short of a 2HKO, but all Swanna does is use Aqua Ring*
So far so good.
*Return barely falls short of KOing it, and Air Slash puts Acrophobia in the low yellow*
Yeaaah... I’m betting she’s healing now so I guess I will too. I can’t risk anything else right now.
*We both heal to full health*
Yup, just as I thought. Now we’re on even ground... or we would be if Acrophbia wasn’t a level higher. Time to lose!
*Return yet again fall short of a 2HKO thanks to Aqua Ring, but Air Slash is a 3HKO barring a crit*
So then, according to my calculations, I have 6.25% chance of losing this now. I think you’re done Skyla!
*Air Slash does not KO, but does put Acrophobia in the red. Of course, that matters little since Acrophobia outspeeds and has a 100% accurate move*
ACROPHOBIA! ATTACK NOW, FOR GREAT VICTORY!!!!!
*Another Hyper Potion gets used*
...... BULLSHIT! Ok, time to rinse and repeat...
*And then she uses Bubblebeam as I heal*
... Wait what? Now I’m REALLY going to win. Seriously, was she predicting a switch or something?
*Return crits the next turn, easily finishing off her Swanna!*
HUZZAH! VICTORY! God this solo was so much easier than the previous ones I had to do!

So, Acrophobia has conquered her fear of birds, I’ve recieved the Jet Badge and TM62 Acrobatics (which none of my team can learn)! Looks like a successful day in the office, yup! And now that dumbass worker will let us onto Twist Mountain too, so we can move on again. But that’s all for next time of course. Until then, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 6
Pokemon: 6 (All finally fully evolved!)
Resets: 9 (Hey, it didn’t go up this time!)
Location: Mistralton Gym

Felix the Liepard

Level 37 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Assurance
Cut
Return

Well, it looks like Felix’s time being one of the best members of my team has already past. That curb over there? He’s finally falling behind it. He just has rather pathetic bulk, and not enough power to KO everything he needs to. The fact that his max HP was even for most of the chapter didn’t help much either- hang on. I just realized I didn’t actually have to follow that restriction this chapter. GODDAMIT! This is what happens when you take breaks that are way too long and play on 4 hours of sleep! Ah well, maybe he’ll do better now that I don’t have to bother using Assist unless he’s in the Red. I know he’s not far off from Night Slash now, and a nice powerful STAB might be just what he needs to catch up to the others again.

Healfodder the Escavalier

Level 36 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Expert Belt – Gender: Female
Moves:
Peck
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
X-Scissor

Hot damn, Healfodder has really taken a level in badass since evolving. Her defenses are now among the best on the team, and with great typing to boot, so the low speed doesn’t really hurt much. She makes up for it with her massive power, which just got a huge boost in the form of X-Scissor, which is now the most powerful attack my team has access to. Her restriction that forces her to use special attacks after KOing something doesn’t even hurt that much, since Bug Buzz is actually pretty damn powerful, able to 3HKO a Tranquil I fought in the Mistralton gym. I should probably give her a new item though, as she can’t really take advantage of Expert Belt with her somewhat weak coverage. Quick Claw is the obvious choice, but I’m really liking the look of Bright Powder...

Macho the Sharpedo

Level 36 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Aqua jet
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Macho actually disappointed me somewhat this chapter, primarily because he’s very prone to fainting if he fails to OHKO something. His defenses are still paper thin despite evolution, so if anything has a super-effective attack and he doesn’t OHKO it he’s pretty screwed. Still, he DOES OHKO most things, and the opponent doesn’t usually OHKO him back even if he doesn’t, so he still does his job pretty well. His coverage is improving too, with the addition of Aqua Jet to his repertoire making him that much more threatening. I can’t wait to replace it with Surf and eventually Waterfall though, as Aqua Jet isn’t the most powerful attack around. Interesting to note is that I haven’t actually had to solo any dark types yet, as the trainer-owned dark types I encounter are all at lower levels than him. It’s a good thing too, because that shit would totally conflict with Damaged’s solos thanks to the existence of the Scraggy line.

Acrophobia the Swanna

Level 37– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Water Pulse
Rain Dance
Return
BubbleBeam

Acrophobia was honestly a total load for most of this chapter, between the number of electric types about and his unevolved state. When he evolved it was a massive relief, but he didn’t actually see much action as a Swanna until his solo against Skyla. He did spectacularly well there, with his new Rain Dance move giving him a big edge over most opponents, making up for his significantly lower Special attack (thanks Brave nature!). The fact he OHKO’d her Unfeazant with BUBBLEBEAM speaks pretty highly of his power in rain. Return is still great for neutral coverage and is more powerful than her STAB options outside of rain. At least it gets good coverage. Soon though, she’ll have to learn Tailwind, meaning she must lose one of her moves. It’ll almost certainly be Water Pulse that goes though; the power boost from Rain Dance is far too good to pass up.

Random the Snorlax

Level 36 – Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Eviolite – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Screech (unusable)
Tackle (unusable)
Body Slam
Usable Moves: Rock Slide, Smack Down, Focus Blast, Body Slam, Block

BODY SLAM! Finally, Random goes from unreliable pain in the ass to badass tank of destruction! But damn, did Metronome ever troll me as much as it could while it was still my only attacking option. I had MANY fights this round go haywire because Metronome decided to mess with me, including running out of PP against a fudging Foongus (all 16 PP too!). Another interesting thing to note is the dramatic stat trade off evolution brought him; losing Evolite made him a LOT less bulky, despite the gains to HP, so he really couldn’t take hits waiting for Metronome to kick in like he used to. On the other hand, he hits way harder on both ends of the spectrum, so he didn’t need as many metronomes to KO stuff. But now that he has Body Slam, bulk takes a back seat to power so the trade off is certainly worthwhile. I definitely look forward to making good use of Random now that he has a reliable attack, especially considering how well the last Snorlax I scrambled with did.

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 36 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metal Claw
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Bulldoze

Uh oh, Damaged is finally starting to feel the pain. Against most opponents he still dominates, but he doesn’t seem nearly as bulky or as powerful as he used to. In particular, the fighting types he has to solo are becoming a real pain, with Gurdurr being the most common, and frequently only 3HKO’d by Force Palm, whereas they can usually 2HKO Damaged back. Thankfully, the AI will sometimes pick Normal or Rock moves, due to it being rock stupid. On the plus side, Damaged got a major coverage upgrade between Metal Claw and Bulldoze, which allows him to take on a much wider range of opponents than before. I just have to be careful around those with super-effective attacks.

... ok it’s been so long I don’t even remember how long it’s been. Shut up I was busy D:

So where did I leave off... ok just beat Skyla as of my past update but I remember playing since then... and I wasn’t recording any of it... crap. Well I do remember soloing Cheren at the entrance to Twist Mountain with Random, so we can check that off the list. Sorry I can’t give you a play by play but them’s the breaks. I DO remember it being a lot harder than I expected though. And Servine was a bitch iirc.

Ok let’s turn this on and... ok it seems I left off half-way through twist mountain. Ok, I can work with tha- why is Damaged fainted? Must’ve come out on the rough side of a fighting-type solo... those are going to be hellish from here on out. Ok, so I guess I’ll go heal then continue my way through here...

*steps outside, it’s winter*
... wow I was in there a long time. Pretty sure it was summer when I went in... great now there’ll be completely new paths and crap and I’ll have no freaking clue which ones I have and haven’t explored. Why did I start playing again without writing anything down? WHY????

*I go back in and find everything has changed since my last visit*
Wow I can go virtually anywhere on the outside thanks to the snowbanks... unfortunately some tunnels I could have explored are also blocked. Hmm that makes me wonder... what happens if you save during fall, quit and it becomes winter when you’re in an area that can’t be accessed in that season? Do you just get stuck there and have to camp out in a freezing cold cave with nothing but your own Pokemon to eat?
.... NEW CREEPYPASTA GO!

*A few battles into my exploration, Damaged wants to learn Swords Dance!*
OH YES! Finally! Now... what do I replace with it? I guess Metal Claw, since I need the coverage from the other moves... I’ll be in a rough spot against flying types whenever I roll Rock Tomb as the move I’m unable to use. Oh well, I’m going for it.

*Turns out the snow allows easy access to the Doctor in this area and access to any floor I want right away*
Wow this actually makes this place a lot easier to explore.

*I find a Metal Coat and TM91 Flash Cannon*
Hmmm I wonder...
*Nope, Healfodder cannot learn it*
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I could’ve used that =(. At least he gets Metal Coat to boost his Iron Head a little bit I suppose.
*after painstakingly searching the entire area, I encounter Cheren right after he’s apparently demolished a Team Plasma grunt*
Plasma Grunt: “Huh... you’re strong... But you’re only strong because you Trainers are controlling Pokemon!”
... Ok the only way for this to NOT be hypocritical as hell is for this guy to have been attempting to take on Cheren with his bare hands.
*Cheren totally calls him out on it and tells him that he should start with his own Pokemon if he’s so set on freeing them*
Bwahahahaha that is one thing I like about Black is that some of the characters are actually savy enough to point the bullshit out. Anyway, another one comes in and gathers up the defeated grunt and they head to Dragon Spiral Tower, where they’ll debate about whether or not to ban Sand Veil until they’re blue in the fa- wait no, wrong DST. They go there to mess with some artifact mumbo jumbo.

As I exit I’m ambushed by Cedric who gives me a quick history lesson on the DST, and how it was split into a crap load of separate foru- fuck wrong one again. I mean he talks about its connection to legendary Pokemon. He tells me Bianca went there and heads off to join her. Now to explore Icirrus City!

*Dowsing Machine finds an item I need to surf to get to*
Game: “The water is deep blue. Do you want to Surf?”
... Deep Blue
*Takes long, hard stare at the muddy brown puddle I’m surfing in*
... right.

*The townspeople won’t shut up about the legend of Zekrom and Reshriam*
Yeah yeah cool legend and bullshit I already know it.
*4 people are dancing around in the snow in a random location in town chanting random bullshit for no explicable reason*
Oh no... looks like this town has a case of DANCE FEVER! I just can’t stop my legs I just can’t stop!

*Inside the Pokemon Center I get TM31 Brick Break from an old woman for no appreciable reason, and also find a place to sell all my valuable mineral stuff for sweet loot with which to buy more TMs*
Perfect! Let’s see what I can get for my team here...
*I buy Blizzard, Fire Blast and Thunder but no one really gets any use out of any of them, nor can anyone learn Brick Break*
Well that was disappointing...

Woman outside: “When the wetlands freeze, it’s slippery. I wonder how wetland Pokemon manage”
Yet again Black, pointing out the plot holes DOES NOT MAKE THEM GO AWAY.

Oh wow there’s a former member of team Rocket here! Who talks in an exaggerated and slightly racist accent... classy.

God the frozen ponds in this town make navigation annoying... It’s like the whole goddamn town is one of those god forsaken ice sliding puzzles...

*as soon as I enter an ordinary, unmarked house I get ambushed and challenged to a quiz show*
What. The. FUCK.
*they ask me a fairly difficult question but I figure out the answer is Blitzle pretty easily*
Aha(THATS HIS NAME?!??!?!): “Woo-hoo! That is c-o-r-r-e-c-t!”
Wye(The hell is wrong with this family?!?!?): You go! Yeah you do!
WHY DO THEY TALK SO FUNNY WHY AM I DOING A QUIZ SHOW IN SOME RANDOM PERSONS HOUSE AND WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY NAMED THE MOST RETARDED THIGNS EVER??????????? THIS. IS. STUPID!!!!!!!!
*And to boot, the prize is a motherfucking Antidote*
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!???!?!?!??!?

Ok other than that there’s a Pokemon Fan Club where I get another Exp. Share, but that’s about it. Before I go to the tower I’m going to explore the surrounding routes as much as I can, get some exp.
*I find TM36 Sludge Bomb*
Oh usually this is pretty useful-
*no one can learn it even if they weren’t restricted*
... nevermind.
*Stupid frozen ponds make it impossible to get to several hidden items*
.... FUCKING SLIDING PUZZLES!
Parasol Lady Melita: “Splish splash splish splash! That was the sound of your footsteps wasn’t it”
... I’m walking on ice. last time I checked, ice didn’t go “splish splash”.
*Felix wants to learn Taunt*
If I had room and this was a competitive setting... but it isn’t, so no thanks.
Parasol lady: “My Parasol is full of TMs, do you want some?”
*hands out TM42 Facade*
... wait what? How do you put TMs in an OPEN parasol? Does it have fucking pockets or something? Oh whatever I’m not going to turn down gift, even if it comes from freaky pocket parasol.
*Team Plasma Grunts are blocking the Bridge... and as usual they tell me where to go for no good reason*
Oh god why... why are the grunts always so stupid. They’re so stupid it defies reason...

Anyway, while I’m here I might as well explore the Moor of Icirrus. I think there’s just some trainers and items here, but that’s pretty much what I’m after anyway so no reason not to go.
*Guess what! MORE ITEMS I CAN’T REACH*
For some reason this is much, much more frustrating to me than it rightfully should be.
*I need Strength to further explore the area and I do not have my Strength slave with me.*
... Fuck.
Well there’s at least one nice thing about everything being frozen... I don’t run into wild Pokemon every 3 steps.
*past the strength boulder there’s even a trainer that’s impossible to fight in winter*
... Really? I’m starting to hate ice with a newfound passion...

Well that’s pretty much it so I’m going to go check out DST now, maybe post a new topi- GODDAMIT STOP DOING THAT JIM IT ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE!

Hmmm... it seems I can’t actually get into the tower yet. I guess I have to fight Brycen first. Well, I guess I had better get on that then!

Considering that this is probably the easiest gym in any Pokemon game and I don’t have any solos or restrictions for this fight, I think that this’ll be a breeze.

*Steps into gym*
No...
*ICE SLIDING PUZZLES EVERYWHERE!*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*After way, way too much sliding around I make it to Brycen and get ready to battle*
Honestly, I’m not even going to bother going back and healing. This is going to be that easy.
*he leads with his Vanillish and I lead with Damaged, who forgets Rock Tomb for the battle*
Yeah this is going to be embarrassingly easy.
*I SD while Vanillish attempts t harm Damaged with Frost Breath, doing very little*
Ok, time for everyone to die.
*Force Palm OHKO’s his Vanillish... and his Beartic... and his Cryogonal...*
His Cryogonal actually got a hit oin due to be faster, but it was Aurora Beam and did like 10 damage. This was the easiest gym battle for any in-game challenge I’ve done ever, except maybe Brock when I was using Bulbasaur and Squirtle...

So I get the unimaginatively named Freeze Badge and TM 79 Frost Breath which I will never use because it has terrible distribution. Since shit happens when you step out of the gym *SPOILERZ* I’m just going to end it off here. Until next time, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 7
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 9 (Yeah if I added any against Brycen that’d be embarrassing)
Location: Icirrus Gym

Felix the Liepard

Level 39 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Assurance
Cut
Return

Well since this time I did NOT forget about being able to use attacks of my choosing 99% of the time, Felix actually did pretty well. Fast and decently powerful, he got the job done when I needed him to. His bulk is really lacking though and you notice when he has to take a hit. Thankfully, that happens relatively infrequently. He’ll get a little bit better in a few levels too when he finally gains access to Night Slash, a decent STAB move. Maybe I’ll find some TMs with which to give him a little bit better coverage along the way too...

Healfodder the Escavalier

Level 39 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Metal Coat – Gender: Female
Moves:
Iron Head
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
X-Scissor

Wait, apparently Healfodder didn’t have Iron Head at the end of the last update. I... was not aware of this when I started. Well, Iron Head people! It’s pretty sweet, and with all the Ice types this chapter it saw a lot of use! She’s really damn good overall, and even after KOing an opponent and being forced into Bug Buzz she still kicks ass due to her great bulk and the fact that Bug Buzz really is surprisingly powerful considering she only has base 60 special attack. Indeed I find myself using it even when I’m not forced to if she gets hit with attack drops.

Macho the Sharpedo

Level 39 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Expert Belt – Gender: Male
Moves:
Surf
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Surf was a massive boon this chap- aw crap I didn’t mention it that I taught him that either apparently. Well whatever, he has it and he kicks sweet ass with it. Wait a second, Acrophobia didn’t have it either... Cheren must’ve given it to me when I beat him like a month ago. Goddamit memory! Anyway, back on topic, Macho kicked ass with his new STAB move and Expert Belt (Why didn’t I give that to him in the first place?). Sure he’s still about as bulky as a north African orphan, but you don’t notice that very much when you tend to OHKO everything you encounter. Boldore are bastards though with their damn Sturdy...

Acrophobia the Swanna

Level 39– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Surf
Rain Dance
Return
BubbleBeam

So, now that he has evolved and learned Surf, Acrophobia has really powered up a lot and can deal out a lot of good damage. I didn’t actually end up needing the extra power from Rain Dance at all this chapter, though I expect I’ll employ it again in the future. Not being able to switch out of Electric Types is a real pain though and has lead to a few faints whenever one happens to pop out. He always seems to just barely miss out on the OHKO on them before getting fried. Oh well, at least he’s proven useful otherwise.

Random the Snorlax

Level 39 – Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Screech (unusable)
Tackle (unusable)
Body Slam
Usable Moves: Rock Slide, Smack Down, Focus Blast, Body Slam, Block

Like pretty much everyone else this chapter, Random has proven much more effective than previously, primarily due to being able to actually, y’know, attack. Metronome usually doesn’t do anything worthwhile but since it’s only one turn and most attacks do bupkiss to Random, he doesn’t really mind. Even when he’d get multiple hits to his attack stat he’d still steadily take down his foes. It’s not as crazy as it was before certainly, but honestly I can’t say I miss using Metronome as my primary attacking option. I wonder when I’ll get the TMs to teach him some new moves though, as mono-normal coverage + Metronome is somewhat risky at best.

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 39 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Swords Dance
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Bulldoze

Damaged is actually starting to fall behind a little bit, surprisingly enough. Thanks to all the Gurdurr running around in Twist Mountian he fainted a few times since they do a lot more damage to him than he can do back, but even outside of that I’ve been finding his power frequently lackluster. This is a problem since he isn’t exactly bulky, and doesn’t take neutral hits very well. That’s why I am SO glad to have Swords Dance now, since it allows him to correct that issue and get back to owning shit. Well, not that I always use it; against a single opponent it is rarely worth it. However, whenever I plan on keeping him in for a while I usually throw one up so he can turn a lot of 2HKOs into OHKOs and 3HKOs into 2HKOs. He’s still good because of it, but I honestly dread seeing fighting types hit the field now.

I am sick and tired of being ambushed as soon as I leave gyms... what do Cheren and Bianca want...
....
Ok let me sum it up as Cheren is waxing emo and Bianca wants me to visit the nutbars at the fanclub. Then Brycen shows up for some reason...
*BOOM ACTUAL NINJAS!*
HOLY FUCK. Not these clowns again... god are they creepy...

So the Shadow Triad wants me to go to Dragonspiral Tower for some reason so of course everyone else runs off there. It sure would be funny if I just went “screw you” and went off and trained in the desert for a few days or something...

But instead I go up there and am treated to another history lesson courtesy of Cedric. News flash! I DON’T CARE! I’m just going to go kick Plasma out of DST like a bunch of spambots and the I’m leaving, got it?

But first I’m taking a detour. A path has opened up to the right via surfing and I intend on checking it out. Apparently it’s hailing here though. God I hate winter.

*A couple battles and one Embargo TM later*
Alright, NOW it’s time to kick Plasma out!
*and then the unthinkable happens when I reach the first set of stairs*
Text box: “Is... Is there something going wild at the top of the tower?”
Did... did my character just say something other than yes or no? Even to himself? Am I still playing a Pokemon game????

*And what do you know I need Strength to navigate the tower*
... Goddamit. Back to the PC!
*On the way back Felix gets KO’d by a Druddigon*
.... Goddamn 120 base attack wild Pokemon with STAB 80BP moves. No more wild Pokemon battling until I’m done here.
*Jumping ramp puzzles!*
I had forgotten about these... at least they’re less annoying than ice sliding puzzles.
*BOOM! Next floor has Brycen and Cheren facing off against 8 Plasma grunts*
Holy balls what did I just walk into?
.
.
.
They aren’t going to make me double battle are they.
*no thankfully they are not*
Whew... alright, now to finally fight some grunts!

*several grunts later*
Grunt: “Because the night makes the sun beautiful, our king shines because we exist”
I swear listening to these idiots talk is harder than fighting them...
*one grunt has a Scraggy that uses Scary Face and THEN Payback*
I... just... wow these guys are stupid.
*Damaged gets OHKO’d by a critical Hi Jump Kick from a Scraggy as he switches in*
... and very lucky.

*Next floor: A circular ramp puzzle!*
Ok now they’re just trying to piss me off. At least there don’t seem to be any wild Pokemon on the upper floors.

*next floor the floor shakes and a roar is heard*
Someone screaming: “It’s shocking!”
............... did they really just make that pun.

*up ahead there’s one of the seven sages giving a speech*
Giallo: “It’s finally time. Our lord N will become the hero!*
*Notices me*
Giallo: “What?! Someone made it clear up here?!”
You really expected a bunch of grunts with Watchogs and Krokoroks to stop me from getting up here?
*All four of the grunts he was giving the speech to surround me and start to battle one by one*
Oh I am so scared I am surrounded. It’s not like I have a team of 6 high level fully evolved Pokemon or anything.
*Swanna finally learns Tailwind!*
Ah, there we go that requirement is filled! I’d say that it’ll help a lot if 60% of my team wasn’t faster than 90% of my opponents anyway, and the other 40% wasn’t slower than 90% of my opponents with or without Tailwind.
*all four are easily disposed and they back off and let me up to the top*
Alright, now to see what’s going on up top they’ve been hinting at so much *spoilers! It’s Zekrom.*

*So N gives his deluded spiel and announces he’s heading to the Pokemon League before flying off. Before leaving though, he tells me what to do next*
Alright so I need Reshriam yadda yadda whatever.
*Then Cheren and Brycen show up and add their two cents before leading me to the entrance of the tower.*
Oh joy, everyone’s here. What’s coming up now is a lovely discussion about what to do next that I will pay no attention to whatsoever. Alder even shows up, which is how you know it’s going to get particularly insufferable. All that matters is that I have to go to the Relic Castle next... I really hope I don’t need to bring a Strength user to here too is all I can say.

*one long flight and trek later I’m just about to enter the ruins and*
Cheren: “JIMERA DON’T GO IN YET!”
What why.
“That’s the entrance to the Relic Castle.”
... I know. I’m going in now.

Inside I meet with another of the Seven Sages, who tells me that the reason they keep telling me where they are is so they can “test how much power you have”. You’d think by now they’d be like “yup, this guy pretty much hands our asses to us every time, can we leave now?”

*against one of their Garbodor’s Healfodder gets Paralyzed by Body Slam... then FP’d 4 times in a row*
Well I don’t know what I honestly expected. For me, full paralysis is approximately an 80% occurrence.
*I find TM 30 Shadow Ball a little further on*
Ooooo this could be useful! Let’s see... Random and Damaged can’t use it due to restrictions... Felix can though! Let’s see... no I don’t think getting rid of Assurance is a good idea since I’m pretty sure it does more with STAB and has virtually the same coverage... Cut! I’d delete that! IF I COULD. Fuck HMs and their undeletability... I can go to Mistrialton city later and deal with it I suppose. Not like it really does much for me anyway except allow me to hit physically defensive Pokemon a bit harder...

Plasma Grunt: “If everyone releases their Pokemon then there will be no more winning or losing!”
Right, because all other forms of competition ceases to exist without Pokemon. That’s why us here in the real world have something like 30 different ways of saying win or lose.

*I drop down the final hole and Cheren follows me down instantly despite being nowhere on the screen when I left before*
Holy fuck where the hell did you come from? When’d you learn to teleport O.o?

*Me, Alder and Cheren confront Ghetsis*
So then Ghetsis tells us that the Light Stone is not here and that I was chosen by N to oppose him and if I fail all the Pokemon will be stolen by Plasma and yadda yadda shut up already you crazy old man. Alder gets fed up too and they end up arguing like a couple of asshole Youtube commenters. Ghetsis leaves with a smug look to rival a Snivy, and we all leave the ruins together. As soon as we get out I get screamed at by Juniper over the X-transciever to get to Narcrene city.

*One desert trek and flight later*
Oh great, everyone is here except for Cheren... what’s the bet he shows up in another 30 seconds too. This game has entirely too much talking for this >:O
*Lenora walks out and after a bunch of a pomp and circumstance gives me the Light Stone*
Cedric: “So, how do we wake the Dragon-type Pokemon from the stone, then?
*blank looks from everyone*
....... Wow you guys sure thought this out well. Thankfully Lenora isn’t brain-dead and realizes that they have a couple dragon experts in Opelucid City, so they tell me to head there next. Since the next gym is there anyway, I guess I’m cool with carrying out this harebrained scheme.

*But as soon as I reach Tubeline Bridge Bianca ambushes me for a battle*
... Is this really the time for this? Is ANY time really the time for this?
Don’t answer. The answer is no. The answer is ALWAYS no.
*when her emboar comes out I’m like OH SHIT because Damaged is supposed to fight it*
Aw crap, here comes an OHKO...
*NOPE. Assurance and Take Down.*
Ok Bianca, now you’re letting me win. There is no other explanation.

*After beating her and taking a quick trip to heal I head out across Tubeline Bridge*
Alright here we go over the train tracks, getting random TMs for no particular reason (Just Flame Charge, I’m not bothering with it). Fun fun fun. Wait a second is that who I think it is at the end of the bridge...
*I approach him then BOOM ACTUAL NINJAS*
Holy fuck I didn’t need you guys to escort me to him I figured I was going to have to talk to him anyway jeeze.
.
.
.
AND STOP BEING SO CREEPY!
Ghetsis: Blah blah, blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah blah? Blah blah!
Huh what? I wasn’t listening. I’m going to go to Opelucid City now, bye!

*As soon as I step onto Route 9 I am immediately ambushed by a psychopathic baseball player who throws a TM at my face*
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE HERE???

*Random learned Block*
Well It’s pretty useless but at least I CAN use it.

*Double battle! Against two Scraggy.*
Wait, I can’t solo these guys with Damaged because he needs to attack my teammates first. And that’d mean he’d have to KO my entire motherfucking team before he could- you know what, this one time I think I’m just going to forget the soloing restriction.

*I clear out the Route with little difficulty*
Alright, that’s that. Let’s see what’s waiting for me in the department store now.
*MORE BATTLES*
Oh for the love of... inside a shopping mall? Whatever I can handle a few more....
*Turns out the only TMs they have for sale are Hyper Beam and Giga Impact*
... WELP. That turned out to be pretty pointless. To Opelucid City!

*Alder is waiting for me inside the gates and takes me to listen to a speech by Ghetsis, which is mercifully short*
Good... didn’t need to hear his bullshit over again. Turns out Iris and Drayden were listening too so now we get to meet them and tell them what’s up. After a brief conversation Iris leads me to Drayden’s house. There Drayden explains more about the history of Zekrom and Reshriam. We’ve all heard it before and there’s nothing to really make fun of, so let’s just move on. Of course, they don’t know how to awaken the stone either but thankfully dues ex machina will solve that issue for us later on...

So now they want me to challenge Drayden at the gym, but first I got some exploring to do! Let’s see what this town has to offer me...
*Upstairs I get a Float Stone and a Ring Target*
Oh joy, I can totally make use of these items. Not.
Man everyone around town seems entirely too taken with Plasma’s propaganda.
.
.
.
Just why is everyone so goddamn stupid in these games?

*After getting a few more useless items around town, I decide to try and explore the surrounding area for more experience and items*
Alright, let’s see what I can find on the route to the north shall we?
*I’ll tell you what’s there... fudging foongus*
STOP PRETENDING TO BE ITEMS YOU NASTY STATUS INDUCINT FUCKTARDS! They’re even worse than goddamn Voltorb!

Man the trainers up here are rough. Felix got straight up OHKO’d by a Petal Dance from a Maractus...
*Damaged wants to learn Heal Pulse!*
BWAHAHAHAAHAAAAA oh god with Damaged’s restrictions that is just about the most hilarious move he could learn. No thanks :P
*Felix gets OHKO’d by a critical Leach Horn*
GODDAMIT THAT’S TWO OHKOS ALREADY!
*Felix gets OHKO’d again by a critical Icicle crash from a Beartic*
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
*I finally clear out the Route and decide to grind to level 43 primarily so Felix can get night Slash and stop sucking*
Seriously, the first one I got, but the next two were just bullshit...
*BUT. I actually haven’t cleared it, turns out there’s 3 more trainers through the dark grass. They... are very hard.*
Damn this was quite the sudden difficulty spike...
*Finally I make it through the whole area, collect several evolutionary stones and TM05 Roar.*
Alright, maybe now I can like, not faint every 30 seconds?

Hang on, I just remembered that there’s an area I haven’t explored yet left to go through. Route 17 and 18 just west of Nuvema town actually opened up to me last chapter when I got Surf and I totally forgot about them. I guess I should explore all the other areas surf opened up too. This should get my Pokemon a little stronger too on the way.

*First trainer battle on Route 1 gets Felix up to level 43, and he learns Night Slash!*
FUCK YES. Maybe now Felix won’t suck quite as hard! Hopefully!

*I enter the gatehouse between Route 1 and Route 17*
Receptionist: “There is nothing of interest beyond here, and the electric bulletin board has gone pitch black. Kind of refreshing, isn’t it?”
“Refreshing” isn’t the word I would use... “suspicious” maybe, or even “disturbing” but not “refreshing”. I’m just talking semantics here though, obviously...

Oh great, the ocean currents from Generation III are back. This route is going to be so much fun to navigate...
*One of the first things I find is TM06 Toxic!*
Oh hell yes, this is so useful! Or it would be if this wasn’t the only goddamn Scramble I’ve had where I don’t have any stall inclined Pokemon. Goddamit.
Swimmer after defeat: “I’m a girl with everything... Well, everything but a place to put my Poke Balls.”

O.O my imagination is going places no Pokemon game should make it go...

Well at least this route is fairly linear. If it was a maze full of wild Pokemon I’d probably lose my mind and start eating wild Amoongus or something.
*Oh, look strength Boulders*
Oh ok I’ll just have my... oh wait, that’s right, I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING STRENGTH USER GAAAH! You know what, fuck it. I’m teaching it to Random just to save some time. It won’t be used in battle or anything just for moving shit. I have access to the move deleter now anyway so if I need to get rid of it later I can.

Ah, in the house just north of the Strength boulders there’s a nice ace trainer who’ll restore your Pokemon to full health! Good damn thing because otherwise this place could get annoying...
On the other hand this Pokemon Ranger wants to give me an egg he’s found but I have no space for it. Whatever, I don’t need a Larvesta egg just yet anyway...
There’s also this creepy dude in black who wants me to find some mysterious thing for him. I have no idea what he’s looking for nor am I sure I’d want to give it to him if I did find it...
*way at the back of Route 18 I find HM05 Waterfall!*
Sweet! Both Acrophobia and Macho can use this, but I need to think carefully about what to replace with each of them. At least one of them needs to keep Surf so I don’t need another HM Slave so... hmm. I’ll decide later I need to go to Mistrialton city to delete Surf anyway.
*Turns out the north part of Route 17 is much more complex*
Goddamit... it’s going to take me forever to find everything now...
*Further on I find TM24 Thunderbolt!*
HELL YES! Alright, let’s see who gets this sweet ass mo-
*only Random can learn it and he can’t use it*
FUCKING BULLSHIT!

Swimmer: “The pokemon is riding the wave and you are riding the Pokemon. Are you ridding high?”
... Are YOU high? Seriously that didn’t make a lick of sense.

Female Swimmer: “I’ll tell you why i was taking a break. I have trouble with my bikini. it could be washed away...”
.
.
.
Ok Gamefreak now you’re just trolling me.
*Finally I reach the very end of the Route and find TM91 Telekinesis*
.
.
.
THIS IS WHAT I JUST SPENT AN HOUR NAVIGATING FUCKING OCEAN CURRENTS FOR?!?!??!?! FUCK YOU GAMEFREAK! FUCK! YOU!

AHEM. Anyway... now to Driftveil to explore some of the other areas I gained access to with Surf...
*on Route 6*
Oh cool, I found TM84 Poison Jab! I’ll totally get lots of use out of this! Not.
Alright let’s check out Mistralton Ca-
*It’s pitch black and needs flash*
... Fuck.
*I quickly nab a Swadloon nearby with which to explore the cave*
Goddamn Flash areas WHY DO THEY STILL HAVE IT IS JUST ANNOYING. At least my choice is appropriate. I mean it looks like your stereotypical trench coat flasher. I mean look at it!

SEE!

While I’m out I might as well replace Surf with Waterfall on Acrophobia. Since his attack is half again as high as his special attack (don’t ask me how that happened when their base stats are the same I don’t even know), I think he’ll really benefit from the extra power.
*CAN’T LEARN WATERFALL*
What.
.
.
.
That is total bullshit. OK I guess Macho is getting it instead...

*Back in Mistrialton cave...*
Man it’s a lot easier exploring this place with a bit of light. Oh what’s this? TM80 Rock Slide?
FUCK YES! This is one of the moves that Random can learn! Finally, he doesn’t have to rely on Metronome for Rock and Ghost types! Just have to find Focus Blast next and then....
*Soon after I reach the top floor and am greeted by some old dude who tells me about the Musketeer Trio*
Yeah yeah blah blah I don’t care because I’m not catching them until after I’m done this scramble for RNG purposes. Now go away and let me get all the items and shiz that up here mmk?

Ok, where to next? Wellspring cave has a bunch of cool stuff iirc... I guess I’ll go there.
*Deep inside Wellspring cave I find...!*
TM52 Focus Blast! I’ll wait until I’m out of here and can delete Strength to teach it to Random, but still HELL FUCKING YES!
*There are 3 Black Belts in a Row for Damaged to solo here too!*
HELL FUCKING NO!
*Actually goes better than expected, but now Damaged is two levels overleveled*
Ah whatever... I think I’ll just have to let my OCD for even levels slide for a bit.

Alright that’s it for here... next up is Pinwheel Forest, then I should be done with exploring and I can finally challenge Drayden!
*Trudging through the grass I find TM22 Solar Beam*
A charging move none of my Pokemon get STAB on! I will definitely be using this a lot! >.>
*A few unimportant items later I finish up and head back to Opelucid City to take on Drayden*

Alright, here we go. First, smash through his trainers. Second, try not to get swept by his Haxorus. Surly nothing can go wrong here!
*Going through the gym slowly members of my team fall*
You know, I wouldn’t usually be upset about this so much but here I can’t backtrack to the Pokemon Center thanks to the way the gym is designed. I have to wait until I get to Drayden to do it. Seriously, that’s just bad level design >:(.

*Finally I make it to Drayden with my team in rough shape. After a trip to heal I come back ready to face off against Drayden*
Thankfully, I have no restrictions for this battle against Drayden so I can do whatever I like. Problem is that I don’t have any Ice type moves other than Ice Fang from Macho, meaning I’ll be using brute force against his Pokemon. With his team having decent Defense and very high attack stats, this is a problem since I have a grand total of one physically defensive Pokemon on my team and I won’t be able to OHKO most of his Pokemon. What seems to be the best course of action is just to hit him as hard and as fast as I can. After all, I have 6 Pokemon to his three; he’ll have to get very lucky to take out all 6 of mine before I can take him down.
*I lead with Macho and he leads with his Fraxure*
The plan here is to deal as much as I can with Ice Fang, then to basically just try and go down fighting. I doubt he’ll be able to take down his Druddigon, but he should be able to soften it up for his teammates.
*Ice Fang is an OHKO, out comes Druddigon as Macho levels up and turns down Agility*
Alright, time for Macho to go for the Crunch before hopefully falling and leaving a weakened Druddigon for his teammates.
*Crunch does over half health, and for some unholy reason choses Night Slash*
What. NO I don’t WANT Macho to survive this. WATERFALL.
*Waterfall of course KOs it, and out comes his Haxorus*
... Goddamit. Ok, go Healfodder!
*Healfodder takes a pittance from Slash as she switches in, ready to Iron Head her way to victory*
Hah, you can’t scratch Healfodder! Healfodder is the very DEFINITION of a tank! Time to lose Drayden!
*Haxorus uses Dragon Dance, but takes well over half its health from Iron Head*
Heh heh you’re not the only one with sky high attack. And unlike me, you don’t have the benefit of being able to hit neutrally.
*Haxorus tries to Slash again, hardly scratching Healfodder’s steely shell. Iron Head on the other hand, slams Haxorus right into the ground*
Wahahaha! That was much easier than I expected! I’ll be taking that badge and TM82 Dragon Tail, thank you very much! Next time, Victory Road! Until then, Audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 7
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 9 (Yeah if I added any against Brycen that’d be embarrassing)
Location: Icirrus Gym

Felix the Liepard

Level 44 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Night Slash
Cut
Return

While the addition of Night Slash to his moveset has been very welcome, he is still underwhelming me overall. He has virtually no bulk and doesn’t have the power or coverage to OHKO his opponents. When it gets really bad is when he doesn’t have the power to 2HKO his opponents. Overall Felix is quickly becoming the least useful member of my team, and I unfortunately don’t see it changing in the future. It’s a shame, but what do you really expect from a Liepard?

Healfodder the Escavalier

Level 44 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Metal Coat – Gender: Female
Moves:
Iron Head
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
X-Scissor

Healfodder is kicking ass and taking names. Her speed is almost a non-issue due to her bulk and power making most foes crumble before her. Even when she’s forced to use Bug Buzz she still kicks ass and deals more than enough damage to do the job. She probably could’ve solo’d Drayden had I decided to let her. I can’t express how impressed I am with her performance since her evolution.

Macho the Sharpedo

Level 45 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Expert Belt – Gender: Male
Moves:
Waterfall
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Macho is pretty much the same as ever, just getting slightly stronger every time. Waterfall is another slight boost in power, and Macho continues to keep up with the competition. His fragility still means he can’t take a lot of hits should he miss out on the OHKO, but thankfully occasions where that happens are becoming less and less common. His moveset is probably completed now, so don’t expect much to change in the future.

Acrophobia the Swanna

Level 44– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Surf
Rain Dance
Return
Tailwind

Honestly, Tailwind is kind of a wasted moveslot. It’s very rare that Acrophobia doesn’t outspeed a foe, and the same goes for the rest of my team. Other than that though he does OK. He doesn’t really stand out as he doesn’t have the power of Macho or the typing of Damaged, but he does the job when called upon. He’s not quite as frail as some as his teammates, so when he misses out on a KO he can usually take the counterattack well enough. Things always go downhill when an Electric-type hits the field though, since it seems like he can never land a hard enough hit to KO the opponent before they fry him. Still, he gets the job done and what more can I ask for?

Random the Snorlax

Level 44 – Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Rock Slide
Focus Blast
Body Slam
Usable Moves: Rock Slide, Smack Down, Focus Blast, Body Slam, Block

Random finally got his full moveset late this chapter, but didn’t really get many opportunities to use it since I kind of forgot to get him the moves when I fist was able to. One thing I am noticing though is that his physical bulk is really lacking despite his massive HP stat. His speed tends to bite him in the ass because of it, and having to usually waste a turn with metronome before he can actually start attacking doesn’t help either. At least now he can attack Pokemon that resist or immune to Normal without being at the mercy of metronome.

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 45 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Swords Dance
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Bulldoze

Thanks to Sword Dance a little bit of luck Damaged actually came out on top in most of his battles against fighting types this chapter, which bodes fairly well for his solo of Marshal at least. As for how he’s fared against everything else, the answer is the same as normal; he pretty much destroyed them. Despite his restrictions he still continues to pull his weight overall. Really, it’s just those fighting type solos that screw him over.

Alright, time to prove that we’re the very best that ever was! To catch them was no test because I didn’t, but to train them was my cause!

DOO DA DOO! I’m going to continue spoiling your memories! With my stupid rewording! At this point it has nothing to do with the original song! POKE-E-MOOOOON! Gotta beat them all, gotta beat the aaaaaalllll, POKEMON!

...
We are now all just pretending that never happened.

*As soon as I step outside of the gym I run into Juniper*
Oh, great... guess I have to wait a while before heading to the Pokemon League. Well that is if she’s here for anything other than to tell me “Welp! We’re still as clueless about Reshriam as ever! BYE!”
*nope, that’s all she has to say, that and showing me where to go to get to Victory Road which I already know.*
Wow that was a great use of my time, thanks Juniper.
*Then she gives me a Master Ball*
Ok I can make use of this at least.

*As I pass through the gate the receptionist pulls me aside to tell me about... the weather. yes.*
Oh great, a storm on route 7? Wow that’s so awesome that I JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
.
.
.
:D

*Just as I walk across the Bridge on Route 10 BOOM CHEREN AND BIANCA AMBUSH*
Oh for the love of god can I just get to Victory Road already? It’s making that stupid song I sang at the beginning look even more stupid now.
*So I battle Cheren, who still has only 4 Pokemon for some reason.*
Alright Unfeazant crits with Razor Wind on Random, no problem still KO it.
*Serperior then Crits with Leaf Blade on Random after Coiling*
... Ok even with an increased crit rate on both those moves that’s still bullshit.
*Healfodder easily takes out the paralyzed Serperior, but takes entirely too much from his Simipour’s Scald and Bug Buzz does too little back*
Ok I guess Acrophobia is best for this part.
*SCALD BURN SCALD BURN SCALD BURN SCALD BURN*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 30% burn rate not 100% goddamnit!
*After two rounds of healing Acrophobia finally manages to KO it without getting horribly burnt. His Liepard comes in next*
Alright, now let’s finish this gong show before I break my DS.
*I let Acrophobia faint so I can bring in Felix, who has Return to give him an advantage over the opposing Liepard.*
Alight easy picki
*SLASH CRIT*
FUCK YOU OH MY GOD YOU STUPID HAXING BASTARD WHY DOES THIS GAME HATE ME SO MUCH AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRG!
*Healfodder finishes Liepard off*
Fucking hell now Felix is still even more behind. Oh he healed my Pokemon... I’m going to have to fight Bianca next aren’t I?
*Thankfully no, she just hands me some Revives and moves on*
Goddamnit that was way rougher than I expected. Also his Pokemon were around the same level as mine... Here I thought I was overleveled for this part... *sigh* looks like I’ll have a lot of grinding to do later on.

Alright, let’s go through all these fancy doors.
... Wow these gate guarders say some disgustingly cheesy things.
“Oh, holder of the Jet Badge! blast ahead with tremendous force!”
And that’s one of the better ones...
*And my god does it take forever*
I guess this was kind of cool the first time but this time just felt annoying...
*Two steps inside and BOOM SHINY BOLDORE!*
HOLY FUCKING BALLS WAIT WHAT REALLY OMG.
.
.
.
And yet I feel like this is just another case of RNG messing with my head...
*I catch it fairly easily, storing it away for later*
Would you believe this is only my second ever natural legendary with all the hours I’ve played Pokemon games? I mean I’ve RNG’d plenty of them before but... well this is pretty cool, even if it’s about as competitively useful as a Farfetch’d.
Pokedex entry: “When it overflows with power, the orange crystal on its body glows. It looks for underground water in caves.”
... Those crystals are blue. And there are more than one. And it’s a rock type so why is it searching for water. THIS POKEDEX ENTRY IS FAIL.

*First trainer in Victory road causes two of my team to faint*
... This is not going to be easy is it.

Also, apparently it’s perfectly safe to slide down 80 degree, 20 foot tall slopes with no protection whatsoever. I know what I’m doing next time I go hiking!

*I have to go and heal every 2 battles every time I go through here*
Ok, fuck this, I’m Audino grinding until everyone is level fucking 50 then I’m blowing through this goddamn end game.
.
.
.
Ok maybe not level 50 but I am seriously sick and tired of this. It’s not challenging it’s just tedious having to backtrack to the Pokemon center all the time.

*GRIND!*
Acrophobia wants to learn Brave Bird? Awesome! If only Acrophobia thought he was a bird that’d work perfectly, but alas that is not the case.
*Felix wants to learn Snatch*
Yeaaah no thanks. I had enough of Snatch during my Coliseum Scramble...
*Damaged wants to learn Calm Mind*
... yes that is exactly what I want to use on my physical, frail Lucario. Who can’t learn status moves due to restrictions anyway. I’m not going to learn a single useful move doing this am I?
*Random wants to learn Crunch!*
=’(
*Healfodder wants to learn Reversal!*
No. Slow, bulky bug/steel types do NOT make good Reversal users.
*Macho wants to learn Skull bash*
... Yes, a charging move on a Pokemon with around 50 points in both his defenses at level 50. That sounds like a great idea.
*Felix wants to learn Nasty Plot*
There are a number of reasons why this isn’t going to work...

Alright, so I did train everyone to level 50. It’s easier to grind when watching football than it is to trek through Victory Road alright? Anyway... Let’s finish this damn thing.
*Just a tiny bit beyond where I had gotten to before I run into a Doctor*
... had I known this guy was there before... oh whatever...
*Despite the extra levels the trainers still do a fair number on my team*
Goddamit why does everyone have to be either so frail or so slow?
*The minutes drag by...*
And why does this place have to be such a maze? And why does the encounter rate have to be so damn high? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO ANNOY ME!???!?
*I finally make it to the end but...*
Goddamn I haven’t even gotten close to exploring everything here yet... I want to finish here already! Curse you OCD!
*After looking around a bit*
Alright, how do I get to these two items I’ve seen? I hope I don’t have to go through this blocked off passage that I think contains Terrakion which I think I can’t access until after I battle Cobalion... I don’t want to have to catch it first...
*A map check shows no, that’s not the case.*
And yet I’m still lost... goddamit stop making the places so damn complicated.
*Then one jump from the very top of the mountain reveals all*
... and here I was looking for some staircase I hadn’t found yet... alright I’m almost done now thank lord...
*For my studious efforts I am awarded with TM02 Dragon Claw and TM83 Wild Charge*
And not a single member of my team can learn either! Perfect.

*I enter the Pokemon League, ready to go on and do this thing!*
Yes! Right now! let’s take them down!

Yeah none of your are fooled by that by this point... Next time, the Elite Four and more! Until then, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 7
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 9 (Yeah if I added any against Brycen that’d be embarrassing)
Location: Icirrus Gym

Felix the Liepard

Level 50 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Night Slash
Grass Knot
Return

Felix is quickly becoming the undisputed LVP of my team, due to being frail and simply not powerful enough to do anything to his opponents. He almost never OHKOs his opponents and he just can’t take the return blows very well. Even though he’s more or less unrestricted now, it matters little in the face of the fact that he’s just not very good. At least his solo of Caitlin and/or Shauntal shouldn’t be that hard with a type advantage.

Healfodder the Escavalier

Level 50 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Metal Coat – Gender: Female
Moves:
Iron Head
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
X-Scissor

Healfodder, on the other hand, continues to impress. She’s probably the single most reliable member of my team with her powerful STAB attacks and great bulk. While her Bug Buzz isn’t quite as impressive as it used to be I expect her to prove very useful in the upcoming battles, coming in when I need her most in order to pull my ass out of the fire. If only I had an Occa Berry then she’d be my answer to Ghetsis’ Hydreigon too. Unfortunately this is not the case... still, she’ll be the one I’m counting on for much of the next chapter.

Macho the Sharpedo

Level 451 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Expert Belt – Gender: Male
Moves:
Waterfall
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Macho is probably at the best he’s been right now, with his coverage and power paired with his Expert Belt ensuring that he doesn’t faint too often. Still pretty often if I happen to miss out on a KO, but hey, at least he’s better than Felix for that. Being able to use each move only once per a battle (well not technically but that’s what it generally comes down to) is the cause of most of those missed KOs though, since it often means he has to select a less than optimal move. Still, he gets the job done. Oh, and looks like while he won’t have to touch Grimsley, he’ll have a couple Dark type solos against Ghetsis unless I decide to level him a bit, including his Hydreigon. Maybe an ice-gem boosted Ice Fang can deal with it in one blow? I can only hope...

Acrophobia the Swanna

Level 51– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Surf
Rain Dance
Return
Tailwind

Acrophobia is pretty reliable, and while limited to only two attacking moves, she does do a number with them and they have pretty good coverage, so I’m not complaining. It’s just a shame her movepool is so ridiculously barren; she can’t even really make good use of her surprisingly massive Attack stat. Oh well, that’s just the way it works sometimes. Despite her usefulness I don’t see her being used much next chapter due to her lack of advantages over most of the opponents she’ll be facing. Still, I’m starting to get the beginnings of a plan going here for dealing with Ghetsis...

Random the Snorlax

Level 50– Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Rock Slide
Focus Blast
Body Slam


Random isn’t bad, but due to his low speed and somewhat disappointing physical bulk, he usually only can stand one or two battles before needing to be healed. He’s not a massive powerhouse though he’s no slouch, and Metronome is usually a wasted turn. This leads to him needing 3 turns to take out many opponents, and if he’s switching in that means he’s taking 4 hits. Ouch. It’s odd for a Snorlax to be so comparatively weak for me during these challenges, but I guess even Snorlax can’t be awesome all the time.

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 50 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Swords Dance
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Bulldoze

Damaged is in trouble. He just doesn’t hit hard enough anymore and anything with a powerful move that he doesn’t resist can take him out. I have no freaking clue how he’s going to beat Marshal, I really do not know how. And if I roll not being able to use Force Palm, I might as well just give up then and there. His solos of Marshal are looking to be my greatest challenge ever ingame, and I honestly just have no idea how I’m going to overcome this one. Wish me luck, because I am going to need it.

Alright, I think I’m ready for this now. This is going to be one big bad battle right after the other. Furthermore a lot of them are going to be rather challenging solos. Felix needs to solo Caitlin or Shauntal first. I choose Shauntal because Caitlin’s Reuniclus has Focus Blast and she leads with it, making set-up pretty much impossible. Next up, Random has to solo an Elite 4 member as well. I will have him solo Caitlin since her Pokemon are special attackers, meaning he stands his best chance against her. He also needs to solo one of Ghetsis’ Pokemon which I won’t worry about just yet. Macho will need to solo Ghetsis’ Hydreigon as it is a dark type higher leveled than him, as well as his Bisharp... or he would if I wasn’t going to Rare Candy him just to make sure he doesn’t have to. Worst of all though, Damaged needs to solo Marshal... and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to manage this one. Pray for good luck and AI stupidity I guess.

First I’m going to challenge Shauntal. Of my solos, I expect hers to be among the easiest. Let’s just hope she doesn’t prove me wrong...
Shauntal: “Eyes brimming with dark flame, this man rejected everything other than himself in order to bring about one singular justice...”
... Let me guess, N’s been through here already.
*YUP*
Good to know I’m always one step too slow.

*Shauntal leads with her Cofagrigus*
Alright, I believe this has Wil-o-wisp, meaning I’m going to have to use a full heal after I set up. But after I get past this I should be OK with a +2 Night Slash to OHKO all her Pokemon.
*her first Will-o-Wisp misses, and then the second too*
Looks like I might have an easier time of this than I even thought I would.
*Felix proceeds to OHKO all 4 of her Pokemon from +2*
Heh, looks like Felix was able to get the job done for once! All he needed was an artificial attack boost and a type advantage...

Alright, so next up I’m going to do Grimsley. I don’t need to solo him, but to get some EVs and maybe a level for Marshal I’ll attempt to solo him with Damaged. Damaged is required to solo his Scrafty anyway... I just hope it doesn’t OHKO me.

*His Scrafty is his lead of course, making set up that much more difficult*
Oh joy... I just hope Brick Break isn’t an OHKO because I need this SD boo- Fuck rolled a 4 and I can’t use it. Looks like Damaged is taking out just this Scrafty and nothing else.
*Both of us 2HKO, but thankfully since Damaged moves first it’s no big deal*
Alright, that’s good news. Now maybe I can still...
*My aspirations of a sweep die when Krookodile switches in with Intimidate*
Ok so much for that. Acrophobia is best suited for this one so out he comes.
*It predictably tries to EQ Damaged but Acrophobia is of course not bothered*
Surfs up!
*Surf is a clean OHKO and Grimsley sends out his Liepard*
Perfect, I can heal Damaged a bit then send him back in to clean up since his Liepard has god shit all with which to hit him with.
*As expected it leads with Fake Out, doing next to nothing as I heal Damaged.*
Alright so what move is Damaged forgetting this time... Bulldoze eh? I’m cool with that. I am NOT cool with the Attract that Liepard just used though. At least Liepard isn’t very threatening to me anyway...
*Ariel Ace from Liepard does virtually nothing, while Force Palm OHKOs. His Bisharp comes out and meets the same fate*
Well that was easy! I wish the same could be said about the next two though...
*Damaged wants to learn Aura Sphere!*
Oh how I wish you could...

Ok, next up is Caitlin. Who sleeps all the time for some reason.
Caitlin: “Who are you? How impudent you are to disturb my sleep.”
You’re sleeping at 4PM! It’s the middle of the afternoon for heaven’s sake! Let’s just battle...

*She leads with her Reuniclus*
Ah yes, the most dangerous opponent is yet again the first one. Still, I don’t think Focus Blast will be OHKOing without a crit.
*Metronome pulls Fury Swipes, which actually does massive damage, hitting 5 times and critting twice*
Well that was better luck than I expected. Focus Blast is a 2HKO though so I had better heal until she misses.
*We both heal our Pokemon to full health*
Heh, saw that one coming.
*Body Slam it turns out is not a 2HKO, while Focus Blast puts Random down to low health again*
*sigh* well at least I shouldn’t have to use more than 5 Hyper potions since it only has that much PP. If I get critted or a Sp.Def drop though...
*Instead Focus Miss lives up to its name*
Ah good, another opportunity to attack... or to BOOST!
*To ensure a clean KO I use an X-attack on Random, who is hit by another Focus Blast in return*
yeah yeah you only have one left so I’m not too worried.
*Her final Focus Blast hits but doesn’t do any lasting damage*
Alright, good to go-
*Next attack is Thunder and it paralyzes*
.... ok this is just getting annoying. Not much longer cmon...
*I heal him and he gets paralyzed AGAIN the next turn*
Well at least this hax is just annoying and not deadly...
*A few more turns and then Psychic crits, forcing more healing*
.... Just let me attack already! I had enough healing item stalling in my goddamn Black Gauntlet...
*A couple more turns and I finally get off a Body Slam, KOing it*
Alright now her Sigilyph is out. Rock Slide should OHKO, but with Random in KO range of a crit... *sigh* more healing.
*A turn of healing later and Sigilyph is KO’d, replaced by her Gothitelle*
I hate being so damn slow...
*Gothitelle gets a Sp.Def Drop, but at least Body Slam paralyzes*
Great, now I need to use even more items. This isn’t really hard it’s just friggin’ COSTLY.
*A few turns of healing later and Gothitelle is KO’d, but Random is in fairly low health*
Have to heal here... the motherfucker has reflect though meaning this is going to be an annoying fight...
*Thankfully it doesn’t use it right away, and Musharna is actually so slow that Random outspeeds it, KOing it before it can do much at all*
Finally! That took way longer than it should have. And also used up way too many friggin’ items....

Ok, now for the bit I’ve been dreading... Marshal. Force Palm has a measley 10 PP so first thing I need to do is boost that up so I don’t run out of PP mid battle. I won’t get an opportunity to use an Ether, I’m sure. After that... well it’s time face off against Alder’s protégé.
*Marshal leads with Throh, Damaged rolls a 3 meaning he can’t use Rock Tomb*
At least I got a best case scenario on what move Damaged forgot. Now I just need to figure out how on earth I’m going to beat this. Let’s see, his Throh knows Storm Throw so defense boosts are useless for setting up. I’ll just have to hope he doesn’t OHKO. His other Pokemon are slow except for Meinshao, who I’ll need X-Speed to beat. When I’m going to get a chance to use that I don’t know...
In any case, I think my best move to start is to Sword Dance. Here goes nothing.
*To my horror, Throh uses Bulldoze instead of Storm Throw, lowering Damaged’s speed*
SHIT. If I get outsped... I had better go on the attack before it’s too late.
*Throh uses a second Bulldoze, futher lowering Damaged’s speed. Force Palm is a 2HKO though*
CRAP. I won’t outspeed anything now! I have no idea how to manage this... well if I still outspeed now then I can switch out next turn, heal Damaged, then switch him back in... yes, it’s going to be my only shot.
*NOPE, Throh outspeeds with Damaged at -2 and KOs him.*
Crap. Well... I would normally restart now but I think I’m going to have to accept that revives are going to be a part of this solo. Random should make good death fodder in the meantime.
*unfortunately, instead of using the super-effective Storm throw, Throh uses Bulldoze on Random instead*
Crap crap crap. I need a safe switch in here goddamit.
*Next it uses Stone Edge.*
What the heck is it doing? Well Damaged is at full health now. I have to switch him in.
*Damaged switches right into a Storm Throw, which puts him in the red*
Fucking hell... how am I supposed to do anything when you’re completely unpredictable? Alright, plan two: Force Palm this motherfucker, faint, come in and Force Palm it again until it DIES!
*Throh is paralyzed and in the red but it still KOs Damaged*
In the red. Well we know what that means... god I was stupid there. Maybe I’ll get lucky and it’ll actually KO Random this time...
*sure enough the Full Restore comes out. For some unknowable reason, it uses Payback against Random the next turn*
And now watch as it uses a super-effective move as soon as Damaged switches in... you know what, I have a better ideal. Maybe Acrophobia can bait a Stone Edge...
*Acrophobia switches into a Bulldoze, and then Damaged into a Stone Edge, working exactly as planned*
There we go! I suppose it’s one thing for it to use neutral moves but thankfully the only moves it has that aren’t resisted by Acropbia are resisted by Damaged. Looks like I have my safe switch in strategy from now on. Now... I need that Sword dance boost again, but first I need to prevent him from lowering my speed again...
*I thankfully thought to pack a Guard Spec, which prevents Damaged from having its stats lowered*
Alright, now I just need to get a little lucky...
*Throh uses Bulldoze again, as the AI shows its brilliance once again*
Perfect. Now I can’t OHKO this bulky bastard so I’ll have to heal. Hopefully it goes for another Bulldoze otherwise I’ll be heal-locked until well past Guard Spec. expiration date.
*He does, giving Damaged the chance he needs to strike back*
Perfect perfect... now as long as it doesn’t use Storm Throw this turn...
*instead it gets Fully paralyzed, preventing Damaged from getting hurt at all!*
Yes! Alright now one more go...
*Finally it goes down, brining out something even worse for Damaged; Conkeldurr*
Alright, there we go. Thing about this guy is that Hammer Arm is a clean OHKO for sure and Damaged doesn’t have a hope in hell of OHKOing it without another boost. While I could boost and hope for two Hammer Arm misses, I have a better idea. It’s kind of cheap but I’ll do what I have to in order to win this.
*Acrophobia comes in again, taking the baited Hammer arm decently*
Alright now all his other attacks are resisted by Damaged so...
*Damaged switches into the Stone Edge for Acrophobia*
perfect perect... now to just repeat that 9 more times until hammer arm runs out of PP... then I can set up on this former threat and cruise to victory!
*Acrophobia gets KO’d by a critical Hammer Arm the very next turn*
... Fuck. ok it’s alright, Healfodder is still here to help out... I think I’ll burn one of my max revives here though.
*Conkeldurr hits Healfodder with its third hammer arm, and it proves to be a 2HKO*
Crap crap crap crap this is not good. I need time to heal here!
*I continute the process anew*
ok that was #4. now #5, and Healfodder is down for the count. Random in so I can heal Acrophobia, he eats the 6th. Felix in so that Damaged can be healed, eats a 7th one. Damaged in to bait it, Acrophobia dodges the 8th. Damaged in and avoids a stone edge, back to Acrophobia to eat the 9th. Back to Damaged, takes what must be his final Stone Edge. Back to Acrophobia, takes... a retaliate? Did I count wrong? Better be safe... back to Damaged, who takes the retaliate, then back to Acrophobia, takes another retailiate... yes that must be all of them, it wouldn’t use using retailiate on Damaged otherwise. Time to boost! Except that I rolled a 4 preventing me from using Sword Dance... can’t have that, I’ll revive Healfodder then switch in for a new roll. Thank god it resets every time I switch. Now Conkeldurr is down to Grass Knot, meaning it must have absolutely nothing else left. Perfect, Damaged will take nothing at all from that. This time I roll a 3 banning Rock Tomb. Perfect. Time to win this. 3 Sword Dances, I’m taking no chances. Two X-Speed to GUARANTEE I outrun Meinshao. A couple X-Defends to ensure I can take a Karate Chop from his Sawk. I just hope it doesn’t crit, nothing I can do about that. Stupid Sturdy, if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t have a 12.5% chance of losing no matter what I do. Just a Hyper Potion to finish it off and I’m ready to go. Here goes nothing.
*Conkeldurr is predictably OHKO’d by a +6 Force Palm, as is Mienshao. All that’s left is his Sawk*
Please don’t crit please don’t crit
*HE DOES NOT CRIT*
FUCK YES VICTORY IS MINE! I MANAGED TO DO WHAT I THOUGHT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FUCK YES!!!!!!!

*AHEM*
I mean, well that was a rousing battle and mental exercise. I’m not sure I want to go through it again though.

Anyway, thankfully I’m sure that my team will get healed in the next part so I’m not wasting any more of my Revives. There’s a good chance I’ll need them for Ghetsis...
*So I go down the magical statue elevator and climb the stair to the Alder’s grand and ancient looks palace. I arrive just in time to see N claiming victory against Alder*
N:”It is over! Never again will Pokemon be made to suffer or be held captive by humans.”
Except by Ghetsis and his goons of course, you dumb dupe.
So anyway, N goes on and on and Alder begs him not to do it, and then they FINALLY notice me there. Then he summons a huge ass motherfuckign castle out of the ground the dwarfs the Pokemon League. HOW any of this is possible is beyond me, but whatever I’ll let it slide. What I won’t let slide is the fact that no fewer than 9 staircases plunge out of his castle into the Pokemon League. That was just unnecessary.

Oh and then Cheren shows up and tells Alder that he’s a wreck. Never have I met a more considerate person than him.

So, I head up into the castle. You’d expect an immediate and epic battle, but instead you get to wander the halls for a bit first. I’d complain, but it’s honestly worth it just because you can heal your Pokemon here.

But before I can do any of that, I have to listen to six of the seven sages spew nonsense!
“Those in accord with Fate are preserved, and those who rebel against Fate perish.”
“When the Way is forgotten duty and justice appear.”
“One can lose the forest for the trees.” (HE GOT THE SAYING BACKWARDS EVEN!)
And so on... eventually the Gym leaders show up and take care of them while I move on.
But first I talk to them to see if any of them say something particularly ridiculous. I am not disappointed.
Goallo: “Ghetsis called us the chosen ones. He chose us and gathered us here so we can change the world! For us, defeat is impossible!”
This guy is so gullible I don’t even know what to say.

In one of the first rooms is just a couple Plasma grunts gloating over N’s victory as if it was their own. Just beyond that a member of the Shadow Triad appears, just to tell me where to heal. Clearly, N wants me at my best for this. He won’t be disappointed, at least not by that...

Inside the rest room are a couple women with unbelievable hair, who were N’s caretakers by the sound of it. Interestingly, they don’t seem to believe Ghetsis’ lies. Which begs the question... why the hell are they serving him in the first place? Oh whatever, I don’t really care about the politics of team Plasma anyway...

Next room contains a Max Potion and a couple more grunts who reveal more of Ghetsis’ hypocrisy. Not really worth quoting at this point, seeing as we all know that Team Plasma is the most hypocritical society in the history of fiction and reality put together.

The next room holds a bunch of scientific equipment and a couple evil scientists, one who reveals that they’ve hacked into the PC storage system and can release all of the Pokemon stored within at a moment’s notice. Now THAT is a scary thought. Not just for the trainers; just think of all the high powered Pokemon stored in PCs and imagine those suddenly being free and confused, all at once. If that’s not a recipe for disaster, I don’t know what is.

Next up is a room with a single grunt reconsidering his decision to join Team Plasma since he’s getting attached to his Pokemon and doesn’t want to release them. Dawww ok that’s pretty adorable.

The final room contains more grunts, including one that’ll take me back to the Pokemon League should I want to. No need for that now though. I’m ready to go, more or less.

As I get to the stairs on this level a Shadow Triad member appears and spews some nonsense at me. While it does seem out of character, I’m taking it as a cue that when I go up these stairs I won’t be coming back until I’ve beaten Ghetsis. Time to prepare! A couple of Rare Candy for Macho first, so he won’t have to solo Bisharp. My medicine supply look sufficient. Just have to save and... yes, I’m ready.

*Turns out I’m wrong, next area is still more rooms*
Ok, seriously that’s enough now. I don’t need to see N’s creepy as fuck toy room.
*Finally, one more staircase brings me to the end of the line*
About time. Let’s get this party started!

*I encounter Ghetsis as I’m about to enter the final room, who welcomes me and spews some more nonsense before saying this*
“We and only we will use Pokemon, and we shall rule the powerless populace!”
Woah, coming on a bit heavy there don’t you think man? I thought you wanted to convince people you WEREN’T an evil power hungry maniac. Whatever, won’t matter in a few minutes anyway.

So as I step into the chamber, N gives a speech from his throne way on the end before beckoning me over. Interestingly, Reshriam does not immediately appear. N is disappointed, but challenges me anyway, summoning Zekrom who then proceeds to demolish the pretty throne room just because. THEN, of course, Reshriam finally comes to and emerges from the Light stone, in an equally destructive display. Why destroy everything you ask? because when you’re a mighty all powerful dragon god, why not?

Rather than go through an ordeal trying to catch it or defeat it, I just chuck my Master Ball at it to end it quickly. I already have a perfect Reshriam on my White anyway so I don’t need to bother RNGing this one.

I of course opt to not put it in my party, and then...
N:”Hold on. your Pokemon are hurt.”
uh, no they’re not
*he heals them anyway.*
... Thanks? (honestly, that’s just sloppy programming. But whatever...)

Anyway, now me and him finally face off. I lead with Healfodder, who I believe has the best chance against his Zekrom. Turns out fusion bolt is a 2HKO though and I kind of forget that Iron head is resisted by it, drawing a snide remark from N. That’s alright though, I can just heal stall out Fusion Bolt’s measly 5 PP before continuing.
*5 turns later, Zekrom is out of PP for its most powerful move*
And now Healfodder resists everything you could throw at him! Time to win!
*Zekrom’s remaining attacks do pitiful damage to Healfodder, who slowly cuts away at Zekrom with X-Scissor*
There we go. Made him use his Full Restore too. Hopefully, he doesn’t have many more of those.
*Soon the mighty Zekrom falls, replaced by his Klinklang*
Alright, this Klinklang is special attacking, meaning Random is a good switch in. He might need to switch out of a couple Metal Sounds though.
*His Klinklang, to my surprise, uses Flamethrower as Random switches in.*
Wait what? no wait, that can’t be a Klingklang. Zoroark! It has Focus Blast but hopefully it won’t live long enough to get in a good shot with it.
*Instead it opts for Night Slash as Random draws Acid Spray*
Alright, I guess I’ll use a Focus Blast of my own here. I just hope his doesn’t OHKO me.
*it does not, though it does put Random at red health. Random’s own Focus Blast does KO easily. Afterwards N’s real Klinklang comes out*
Alright, Random is good for this one too. Just need to heal him once and we’re all clear.
*Klinklang uses Hyper Beam as I heal Random, doing predictably terrible damage*
And now you must recharge! Plenty of time for Focus Blast to do its job now.
*Focus Blast is an easy 2HKO, and all Klinklang does is use a second Hyper Beam*
Alright, looking good! No Random can’t learn Heavy Slam, unfortunately.
*N’s Vanilluxe comes out next*
Another one that Random can easily smash! You’re too kind Lord N, too kind.
*Two Rock Slide’s later Vanilluxe is destroyed, replaced by Carracosta*
Ah, Felix should be able to annihilate it with Grass knot with Hail breaking sturdy.
*Felix switches into a Stone Edge and barely survives*
... Crap, ok, healing first. it has Aqua Jet so if it uses that Felix is going down.
*Sure enough it uses Aqua Jet as I heal, but Felix now has enough health left to finish the job*
Finally, going to see some use out of this move.
*Grass knot is an easy OHKO, and his Archeops comes out next*
Ah yes... this is a real threat. I just hope that Felix outspeeds so I can at least activate Defeatist...
*no luck. Felix is KO’d by Stone Edge*
Damn. Maybe Damaged can do something. He resists everything but Acrobatics... I don’t have anything that resists Acrobatics. Rather than risk missing with Rock Tomb, I’ll have Damaged go for Force Palm.
*It’s no good, as Acrobatics crits at the worst possible time*
Oh fuck. Please let Macho outspeed please let Macho outspeed...
*He does, and OHKOs with Waterfall.*
Hell yes! N is defeated! I had better get some health before Ghetsis battles me though...

So then, N spews some more shit, apparently confused that there can be two true heros. But it’s cut short as Ghetsis comes from behind, angry as hell at his son (oh yeah, spoilers) for not living up to his expectations. He also launches into an explanation of all his plans, as all poorly written villains are prone to do. He proclaims he must eliminate me for knowing too much just as Cheren and Alder show up, clearly having heard everything. (smoooooth). After a little more evil banter, he finally challenges me to battle... Also, N somehow magically heals my Pokemon before the battle. Don’t ask me, I don’t get it either.

*Ghetsis leads with his Cofagrigus, and Healfodder is still at the head of my team.*
Alright, this is good. His Cofagrigus can’t scratch Healfodder. I’ll just have her Iron Head it to death.
*Cofagrigus would be 3HKO’d if not for a Full Restore, whereas it hardly scratches Healfodder with Shadow Ball. It goes down rather easily despite scoring a crit and a special defense drop.*
Great, I’ll be good to go now!
*he sends in his Hydreigon immediately afterwards*
... well looks like I have to sac it...
*Dragon Pulse from it finishes the weakened Heal Fodder off and I switch in Macho*
Hopefully one Ice fang will OHKO. If not... well I had better get lucky.
*Ice fang is a 2HKO, Macho is OHKO’d by Dragon pulse*
........ FUCK. Ok, Random with his huge special defense is my only hope. Here goes nothing!
*Focus Blast is a 2HKO, and Metronome draws Cotton Guard*
... well that was useful. Alright, I’ll just have to stall out Focus Blast now. No real option other than that.
*Next one misses, giving Random an opening in which to fire off his own. Which misses*
Well that got me nowhere fast. Back to healing.
*His next one misses, and Random finally can retailiate... by not KOing with his own. with it at less than half health*
WELP. Good knowing you all.
*But actually it’s OK, because Ghetsis does not heal it and Random is able to KO it with a Bodyslam, though it gets burned by Fire Blast in the Process*
Alright whatever I’ll take it. His Bouffalant is up now, who is definitely NOT going to be who Random solos with Metronome. Acrophobia is going to switch in to be healfodder for... Healfodder, oddly enough.
*Acrophobia is OHKO’d as soon as he switches in by Head Charge*
That’s alright just means Felix will have to be the healfodder instead.
*I splurge on a max revive as Felix is KO’d by Head Charge, and then switch Healfodder right back in*
Still can’t use Physical moves unfortunately, but Bug Buzz should work well enough. Especially considering all the recoil damage it’s already taken.
*It uses Wild Charge next which is a 3HKO, but Bug Buzz does a disappointing amount of damage*
Well this isn’t good. Good news is she’ll finally get used as heal fodder for once now...
*As Bouffalant KOs both itself and Healfodder with Wild Charge I use a full restore on Random so he can fulfill his Metronome solo*
Alright, double switch. Let’s hope this goes well.
*It does. Random gets his ideal matchup against Seismitoad*
Perfect. Metronome away!
*Earthquake is a 2HKO... when it crits, meaning Random has a lot of time. his first Metronome attack misses*
I didn’t see what that was but I don’t think it matters. Anyway, need to heal now and try again.
*Seismitoad uses Rain Dance and then Earthquake while Metronome draws Acrobatics which does little damage since Random is holding an Amulet Coin*
Alright that’s fine. Just keep going...
*Metronome draws Water Pledge, Heart Stamp, Smack Down, Aura Sphere, Wild Charge (facepalm), Synthesis, Astonish, Accupressure (raised speed so now Random is faster), Sweet kiss (missed) and the finally, Lunar Dance*
... FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!!!! Oh my god Damaged is my last Pokemon. Still need to finish this solo though. Another Max Revive is in order it seems.
*I revive first Random than Healfodder while Damaged is eventually KO’d*
Ok, it has like 20 hp left. All I need to do is draw a halfways decent attacking move. Is that too much to ask?
*Finally, Random draws Tri-Attack and finishes it off!*
About time!
*Bisharp comes out*
Ok Random can’t do anything here. Healfodder is held back by having to use bug buzz but resists Bisharps’ attacks so... HEAL BINGE!
*Damaged is Revived right as Healfodder is KO’d by Stone Edge*
Alright, Damaged can 1 hit this bastard so hopefully... Good didn’t forget Force Palm. Down you go!
*Force Palm easily OHKOs, bringing Ghetsis’ final Pokemon, his Eelektross to the fore*
Alright, Damaged is going to go down fighting then Random should be able to finish it off. My god though, have I been cutting this close...
*Force Palm does a good chunk of damage to it but Damaged is immediately KO’d by Flamethrower*
Ok, I don’t need to use metronome anymore at least. Just have to Body Slam it down. That’s it. Please no horrible hax I can’t lose now.
*Wild Charge does a lot to Random, but Body Slam paralyzes Eelektross and leaves it with a sliver of health*
Wow... it’s over. With one Pokemon left. Damn, this was almost as hard as my battle against Lance in my SS gauntlet... you guys have really challenged me these past couple challe(a)nges
*Body Slam finishes it off and victory is finally mine!*

Ghetsis: “I created Team Plasma with my own hands. I’m absolutely perfect! I AM PERFECTION! I am the perfect ruler of a perfect new world!”
Holy delusions batman! This guy is crazier than a barrel full of Spinda!
Anyway, there’s some more dialogue with Ghetsis going nuts before Cheren and Alder lead Ghetsis away. Then N comes up to me and talks about how what he heard my Pokemon saying waaay back was that it liked me. I think that Pokemon was Bianca, so that’s reeeeaaallly kind of sad and almost proves his point. But hey, pixels right? Right?

Anyway, after some more confiding, N leaves with Zekrom and the credits roll, playing that incredibly awesome ending music.

What happens after the credits will have to wait until next episode though, because after all those intense battles I am DONE for the night. I’ll see you guys next time though! Until then, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 8
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 9 (for all my trouble, I didn’t actually have to retry once!)
Location: Icirrus Gym

Felix the Liepard

Level 51 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Assist
Night Slash
Grass Knot
Return

Handled his solo of Shauntal beautifully, I’ll give him that. Unfortunately that’s really all he was able to do, aside from N’s Carracosta. Of course he probably would have seen use against Caitlin had Random not been soloing her. Honestly he does pretty OK... with a type advantage. Can’t honestly say he’s much use outside of that. Guess I should teach him something other than Assist now that he’s done with it. Not sure what to give him though, seeing as Liepard isn’t exactly brimming with movepool options.

Healfodder the Escavalier

Level 51 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Metal Coat – Gender: Female
Moves:
Iron Head
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
X-Scissor

Healfodder was key in both the battle against N and Ghetsis, as I expected her to be. She’s reliable and powerful as always. If not for the solos she could very well have taken out a lot of the Elite 4 too. Still no regrets here. Though I will that this is probably the first time having to use Bug Buzz has been a problem. Oh well, she can’t excel at everything right?

Macho the Sharpedo

Level 53 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Expert Belt – Gender: Male
Moves:
Waterfall
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Macho didn’t see much use due to all the solos, but what he did do... well half of it was done well. He outright saved my ass against N’s Archeops, but he also failed spectacularly against Ghetsis’ Hydreigon. Of course, I was probably expecting too much to think that anything I had could OHKO the damn thing. Anyway, I expect more good to come from him in the future.

Acrophobia the Swanna

Level 51– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Surf
Rain Dance
Return
Tailwind

Well whatever my plan for Ghetsis was that involved Acrophobia, I pretty clearly didn’t go through with it. I think the idea was to Rain Dance and surf spam or something but I really didn’t have the opportunity. Overall Acrophobia didn’t do much directly this chapter, only KOing one Pokemon. Despite that Acrophobia was actually absolutely vital, if only for PP stalling against Marshall. Without Acrophobia’s weirdly good defensive synergy with Damaged, I could never have succeeded. I’m not sure how useful he’ll be in the future though, but I suspect he’ll never be really useless.

Random the Snorlax

Level 54– Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Rock Slide
Focus Blast
Body Slam

This was Random’s turn to shine. All the powerful Special attackers running everywhere were just an invitation for Random to come in and kick some ass, and that’s exactly what he did. So he had to stall out a few Focus Blasts first and drew Lunar Dance on Ghetsis’ Seismitoad. Shit happens, only so much I can do about that. Fact stands, without him I could never have beaten Ghetsis or N, making him the undisputed MVP of the chapter. I do regret the amount of healing items he ate up though...

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 52 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Swords Dance
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Bulldoze

Damaged had ups and downs this chapter. While he did manage to solo marshal, it was only by switch stalling PP and with the help of revives that he was able to do so. Of course, that I expected. He did well enough outside of that though, with the exception of being OHKO’d by N’s Archeops he did pretty darn well. He might no longer be my most powerful Pokemon, but his type advantages still come in very handy quite often. Still, maxing out at 60BP really sucks when you’re supposed to solo Pokemon whose STAB you’re weak to.

Alright, so we start out in my house in Nuvema town and I head down the stairs and find... two mothers?!?!?!?
...
Oh wait one of them is Looker in disguise. That he can make such a good disguise is.... disturbing. Anyway, he tells me that I should help him search out and arrest the 7 sages. He also gives me a Super Rod for some reason. Because that totally helps me find out where they are right?
Mom: “That’s a Super Rod right?”
Looker: “That is correct.”
Mom: “What does this have to do with looking for those people?”
Ahhhh self aware of your own plotholes I see again game. It’d be funny if it weren’t so sad.

So now when I leave the house, Cheren and Bianca talk to me, and I am informed that Cheren let Ghetsis get away when the Shadow Triad distracted him. Remind me to never put him on guard duty should I ever be given the option.

After a bit more talk Cedric appears and upgrades out Pokedex’s to the National level, and then everyone goes their separate ways and I am finally free.

But of course, anyone whose beaten Black or White before knows that there’s a huge level gap between the end of the Elite 4 and the new routes, so before I go onwards I have to do some grinding. I have no idea why they did this, but whatever I’ll do it now then.

*Healfodder wants to learn Sword Dance*
You know, that might actually work if it weren’t for the fact that Healfodder can only take out one Pokemon before needing to switch to special moves....
*Acrophobia wants to learn Hurricane*
Oh I wish I could...
*Damaged wants to learn Close Combat*
......... =’(
*Felix wants to learn Sucker Punch!*
Hell yes! Finally a move I can actually teach someone! Yes, Felix would love Sucker Punch over the newly unusable Assist. Thank you very much.
*Healfodder wants to learn Giga Impact!*
Iron Head is almost as strong without a recharge turn so... no.
*Macho wants to learn Night Slash*
... I already have Crunch so why on earth would I want Night Slash?

Alright, everyone is level 56 now so that should be good enou-
*The French speaking trainer I encounter on Route 11 has a level 65 Croagunk*
... 65. Well, this is looking good for me. At least it’s Croagunk so it went down easy. I have to use this route to train now though, Route 10 is just getting way too damn slow with how over-leveled I am for it. Maybe I can manage to clear out this one Route and train here until I’m ready...
*As I explore the route I find TM 50 Overheat*
Hey another TM no one can use! I was looking for another one of those!
*soon I take out all three trainers on the main part of the route*
Alright that should be good enough for now then. I got a nice patch of grass here to Audino grind in and the rest of the Route can be explored when I’m not in constant danger of being swept by the one random ass trainer that happens to have an OU Pokemon or something. Be back in a couple hours.

*Random wants to learn Giga Impact*
Nope, cannot do. Not sure I would if I could either.
*Damaged wants to learn Dragon Pulse!*
Stop... stop taunting me... PLEASE!
*Finally I get everyone to level 60*
Alright that should be good enough for now.

*Level 64 Pinsir uses Sword Dance*
Well this sucks
*Uses Guilloteen which hits*
... I... wa... what? You use Sword dance, then an OHKO move? AND IT HITS?!?!? I don’t even....
*It hits TWICE*
..........
*then it barely survives a Waterfall from Macho and KOs with Submission, taking itself out in the process and giving me no EXP.*
.... I don’t even have anything to say about this.

*I move off the Route to Village Bridge*
Receptionist: “As its name suggests, Village Bridge is a village like a bridge... No, it’ s bridge like a village... No it’s a bridge like a bridge... No it’s a village like a village... Oh, I’m so confused!”
Or it could be, you know, a village ON a bridge. Did you escape from the special needs class?

Interestingly, Village Bridge isn’t a real town in the traditional sense, with tall grass and trainers in addition to the village itself. There’s also no Pokemon Center or Pokemart.
*I find some leftovers in a disgusting looking garbage can*
... I’m not sure I actually want to give these to my Pokemon.
*Nearby there’s the sandwich place*
Oh yeah, this useless minigame-ish kind of thing. Your reward for doing it is a single Lum Berry! So worth it! (not).
There’s also this weird guy who gets me to join the Hip Wader’s Club? Then he tells me to catch a Poliwhirl? I totally don’t remember this from White... Anyway looked it up and the rewards if 5 Dive Balls, so I won’t be taking part.
*There’s a house with a woman with 4 Patrats, who leaves when I talk to her*
And so I have discovered the true horrors of this world; crazy Patrat ladies. God help us all.
*Finally the last house contains a nice lady who heals your Pokemon in place of a Pokemon Center*
Ah, well there’s that at least. Good to know in case my Pokemon get demolished by a haxing Pinsir again...

*Inside the route rest stop on the other side of the village*
Receptionist: “... I’m sorry. I forgot my uniform.”
Wow, they’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel in this section of Unova aren’t they?

*Route 12 is a relatively uninteresting area filled with many trainers and lots of grass*
Have to say, this route might be unremarkable in every way, but at least it looks pretty.
*I find TM53 Energy Ball*
Yup, I sure can use this well! Not.

*not much longer I enter Lacunosa Town*
Well that’s not a mouthful of a name at all. It’s not like I had to look up my Town Map to make sure I spelt it properly or anything.
An interesting thing to note is that this is the only walled town in any Pokemon game, which makes sense since Pokemon is based in a modern society. So... just what are the town’s residents trying to keep out? (Hint! It’s Kyurem)
Also, all the houses are empty during the day, but judging by the dialogue everyone goes inside at night. This is actually some seriously disturbing stuff for a Pokemon game...
Anyway, for proof it’s about Kyurem you can listen to an old lady tell you the story of Kyurem crashing to earth in a comet and all that, and how it explains the odd habits and structure of the town.

There’s not much else there though, so I head out to Route 13 pretty quickly.
*I quickly discover that nearly every goddamn TM is needed to navigate this Route entirely*
... Oh goddamnit... I’m going to have to carry a goddamn HM Slave again. I thought I was done with those...
*There’s a Wingull that’s lost mail for me to recover too*
Goddamit, what is this Paper Mario? Will I need this dumb Wingull to carry me across gaps? Will my reward be a Star Piece just for giggles?
*Nope, U-Turn TM*
Ok that’s maybe a slight bit better.
Oh, and there’s a Fisherman with nothing but level 60 Magikarp on this Route. ... WHY!?!?!
*Then I immediately lose two Pokemon to a Horn Drill using Seaking*
WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HIT!?!??!?!
*This route proves to be quite complex and to contain a lot of items*
Damn, I see why that treasure hunting guy is on this Route. There is shit EVERYWHERE.
*I find TM29 Psychic!*
Why is it that whenever I find this awesome TM NONE OF MY POKEMON CAN USE IT!?!??!

*Finally I make it through the Route to Undella town, where we will be ending this chapter*
Yes, that’s two towns/cities for this chapter and that leaves two for next chapter. Then all the extra bits, then the Elite 4 second round. I have it aaaaaaaaaaaaalll planned out. But you’re going to have to wait for a bit because that’s not until later! Until then, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 8
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 9 (None this chapter, though that Pinsir sure as fuck tried)
Location: Undella Town

Felix the Liepard

Level 62 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Sucker Punch
Night Slash
Cut
Return

Still pretty underwhelming. Nothing much to say here except that I was forced to replace Grass Knot with Cut for Route 13. Thankfully I hardly used Grass Knot anyway, but it was still better than Cut. I really still don’t see any improvement in the future... I don’t know why I keep using him honestly.

Healfodder the Escavalier

Level 61 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Metal Coat – Gender: Female
Moves:
Iron Head
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
X-Scissor

Still as awesome as ever, though her inability to run from the high level wild Pokemon on the Routes means I can’t put her in my lead spot often. That’s OK though, with here defenses and resistances she doesn’t have much trouble switching in anyway.

Macho the Sharpedo

Level 61 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Expert Belt – Gender: Male
Moves:
Waterfall
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Same strengths and weaknesses as before. Hits like a truck but takes them back like a smart car. Thankfully, unlike Felix his attacks are usually strong enough to KO so he doesn’t take those hits very often.

Acrophobia the Swanna

Level 62– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Surf
Fly
Return
Tailwind

Decent as usual, though his relative lack of power is starting to show. The good news is that at least he can usually take a hit or two if he does miss out on a KO. Really still annoyed at how little coverage there is available to him; Fly is purely for HM abuse so I don’t have to carry another HM slave. It’s not really neutral coverage that’s the issue; it’s super-effective coverage, which something of Acrophobia’s power level really needs.

Random the Snorlax

Level 61– Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Rock Slide
Focus Blast
Body Slam

After his excellent performance against the Elite 4, N and Ghetsis it’s back to being mildly disappointing for Random. Being slow and having to use Metronome the first turn of battle means he takes a lot of damage, requiring a lot of healing and with his ridiculous HP stat that’s really expensive to do so. He also seems prone to hax (probably due to his low speed and needing to take multiple hits), meaning he faints fairly often. Could be worse though...

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 62 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Swords Dance
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Bulldoze

Damaged is doing OK, but finding it hard to keep up with the power increases this chapter. While the unevolved Pokemon he encounters stand little chance, the evolved forms are frequently too much for him to handle, usually being too bulky to OHKO and him being too frail to easily take the return blows. His resistances and attack typing still see him being useful though. Of course Fighting-types still regularly KO him, but there’s not much I can do about that.

It’s summer in Undella town, so the place is bustling right now. The first thing I encounter though is a woman who gives me HM06 Dive. I... won’t be using this. For some reason Gamefreak saw fit to put a TM with exactly one place to use it in the game, and I have no intention of visiting the underwater Abyssal Ruins here so it’s just going to sit in my pack.

I enter the first house I come across and run into Cynthia! As a cool little aside, she compares you to the protagonist from DPP. After introductions, she tells me she’s interested in the Abyssal ruins just out of town. She then offers to battle which I of course politely refuse. There’s little doubt she’d absolutely thrash me in my current states.

There’s little else of interest in the villas except...
Gentleman: “Fun in summer... Beautiful girls playing in the water... Hey! i’m just thining out loud. Please don’t listen to me!”
... perv.

Outside an enormous mansion, a rich kid battles me. He then takes me inside and tells me I should come back tomorrow to battle him again. And if I do, I know I’ll end up having to face another of his family, then another, and another... I might want to gain some levels first, as the later members of the family aren’t exactly pushovers.

To the left is a room full of display cabinates, with one rich nutjob in a blackbelt’s outfit looking to buy rare items off me. Unfortunately, I have nothing he’d be interested in right now and likely won’t until I go to the abyssal ruins, if I ever do end up doing that.

Guy on beach: “Ah, Cynthia... Why are you so Cynthia”
Uhhhh... what? Why is this place full of stalkers and pervs? I think I’ll leave now...

I stop to check out Undella Bay and battle the trainers there, but I’m not bothering with the Abyssal ruins. All that’s down there are Plates and selling items, neither of which I really need.
Female Swimmer: “Oh? Did you come here to see Cynthia in a bathing suit?”
And now they’re assuming that I’M a perv??? I need to get out of here...
After battle: “I heard that Cynthia swims secretly when nobody else is around. And I heard she is great! Just great!”
Ok this place is giving me the creeps now.

So, Route 14 and the Abundant shrine then. Let’s see if there’s anything really interesting here...
*Turns out Route 14 is a mess of bridges, rivers and waterfalls*
Oh I can tell this’ll be a joy to navigate...
*Felix get’s OHKO’d by a Wiscash’s Fissure*
I’m also getting tired of all these assholes with their bizarrely accurate OHKO moves... seriously, not ONE of them has missed! I’m not even exaggerating; I have not had a single OHKO move miss me this entire playthrough!
*a Blackbelt on the route then proceeds to almost completely wipe out my team, necessitating the use of Healfodder as well, heal-fodder*
And this is why having 4 of your Pokmeon share a weakness is a bad idea... Especially if you can’t carry any attacks super-effective against the type...
*The next trainer I battle has 3 level 68 Pokemon*
WHAT THE FUCK? Why are all the trainers so much powerful all of a sudden? Goddamit, I need to grind some more don’t I? I can’t do this shit at level 62...

Well I took the direct route rather than trying to explore the shrine, so now I’m in Black City. I guess I’ll explore around here before I go out and train some more...
*I enter Black city and am immediately stunned by how stark, empty and black it is*
holy shit the place is like a ghost town. Full of pitch black skyscrapers. There’s literally no one here outside of the Pokemon center. I guess if I connected with my White Version I might be able to fill it in a bit but... damn, this place is eerie right now.
Receptionist at one of the gates: “If you want to enjoy vibrant city life, visit Black City.”
.... You’re kidding right?

Anyway, rather than explore the side paths now I think I’m going to keep going through Route 15 and complete the circuit through the new areas. I’ll grind up then and come back later to do the extra stuff when my Pokemon won’t get so badly beaten up...
*Route 14’s direct path is very quick, but looking below shows that exploration is going to be long and painful*
Man there is a lot of ground to cover still... Well I’ll check out the transfer lab while I’m here.
*the guy inside practically goes insane when he hears I have all the gym badges*
Holy shit! I think I’ll just... be leaving now... thanks... please let me go!

Alright, glad I got out of there... now there’s just the Marvelous Bridge to travel and then I’ll get to training...
*Inside the Marvelous Bridge building there’s a girl who challenges me to a triple battle, but not a whole lot else*
Except...
Scientist looking dude: “What do people buy from the vending machine? To keep checking on that... this is my life.”
... I don’t even know what to say anymore.

*on the bridge itself I try to talk to a woman and she just... flickers away, drawing a disturbed comment from a guy nearby*
Oh wonderful, and the bridge is haunted.
*The lady with the Patrats from Village Bridge is here, and plays a stupid little game with me for a big mushroom*
This is even worse though.
*And when I reach the center of the bridge the Shadow Triad appears and gives me the orbs of the cover legendaries from DPP*
Ok this bridge is starting to freak me out almost as much as Black City did.
*There’s also a guy trying to sell you a magikarp*
........ Ok they’re trying to cram every annoying and freaky thing all onto this bridge at once aren’t they. The bridge is going to collapse under the weight of all this nonsense.

*I soon reach the end of the bridge and exit out the other side*
Alright so that’s done. Time to grind a bit so my team doesn’t get eaten alive.
*Damaged wants to learn ExtremeSpeed*
DAMN YOU STALLMANDIBUZZ, DAMN YOU!
*Soon after everyone is at level 65*
Hopefully this is good enough for now... I’ll go see the rest of Route 15 now.

*Route 15’s lower levels contains little more than grass, trainers and Strength boulders*
Well that was totally worth my time... alright, Route 14 and the abundant shrine next.

*Route 14 is a warren of confusing rivers and waterfalls, but at the top of one of those waterfalls...*
Hey, it’s one of the Seven Sages! Giallo apparently, who, instead of running away or attacing me like you might expect, compliments me and gives me TM08 Bulk Up. Because that’s what enemies do right, give you gifts? Of course, having me follow it up by handing him over to Looker makes a lot more sense at least...
The battles are still tough enough I have to go to the Pokemon Center often though... and there was another trainer with 3 level 68 fully evolved Pokemon too...
*I finally arrive at the abundant shrine after riding half a dozen waterfalls*
Oh and this place is a maze too, filled with plots of tilled land you can’t walk over for some reason. Just what I wanted.
Good news! I found TM35 Flamethrower! Bad news! NO ONE CAN USE IT YET AGAIN!
Oh, and of course the area is full of powerful trainers. Why wouldn’t it be?
Anyway, I also find TM92 Trick Room, which I will not be using, and a bunch of mushrooms. This place is absolutely crawling with them, and yet not a single Paras, Parasect, Foongus, Amoonguss, Shroomish or Breloom is to be found. Blasphemy I tell you!

Alright, so where else do I have to explore... Challenger’s cave for one. Guess I’ll go there next.
*Challenger’s cave turns out to be a fairly small and uninteresting cave with a few trainers*
Well this was a dissapointme-
*a Vetern proceeds to wipe out my entire team except FLASHER the flash slave, requiring the use of MANY revives*
.... and his Pokemon are LOWER leveled than mine! Goddamit! There’s still one trainer left too so I need to go back to heal now... wow did I ever fail hard there I used like 5 revives and a half dozen other healing items. Without items I WOULD HAVE LOST!
*I also don’t have an escape rope, so a long trip to the Pokemon center and back later I fight the last trainer (who also manages to KO a Pokemon) and finish exploring the cave*
And my prize for all this? A bunch of consumables and TM 71 Stone Edge, which I can’t even use. I am so ticked right now.

Ok, all that leaves is the Giant Chasm and finding the last of the 7 sages now. I might as well go through the Chasm first... I’ll just bring a lot of repels so it isn’t torture.
*Funnily enough, it’s pretty easy and boring to explore an area with nothing but Pokemon when you’re using Repels the whole way*
And honestly, I prefer it this way. I pick up TM 03 Psyshock (no use) and TM 13 Ice Beam (WILL see use on Acrophobia) on the way.
*I approach the center and there’s a roar, and a blizzard obscures the screen, and when it clears*
Holy crap, all the trees and everything is completely covered in snow! A smooth featureless blanket! That’d be awesome if it weren’t so blatantly impossible (the snow would NOT be even!)
Anyway nitpicking aside, there’s nothing here except Kyurem, who I don’t want to catch yet so I just leave.

So that just leaves the seven sages then. I’ll just look up their locations and abuse Repels to the max! YAY REPEL!
*first I go to the Dreamyard, which has more to explore.*
Oh, I had forgotten about that... more battling and exploring to do. Lots of Psychics and Scientists to slaughter!
*And there are a LOT of them crammed into this small space*
Holy crap it’s like a brainy party down here.
*not so brainy is Gorm, who tries to startle me by going “BOO!” despite the fact he wasn’t very hidden at all.*
I see why they made you stand outside rather than let you in on the party.... anyway, he gives me TM75 Sword Dance which isn’t of much use to me, and then Looker takes him away. I collect a few more items, including the useless TM85 Dream Eater, then make my way out.

Next up, Bronius in Chargestone Cave. Repels, here we go!
*I find him quickly and he sicks a couple plasma grunts on me*
Ah, finally, one who doesn’t just let me arrest him without a fight. Here we go!
*Of course they’re weak as crap*
Alright Bronius, what do you have to say...?
*he then thanks me for opening his eys??? And gives me TM69 Rock Polish of course*
Wait why’d you sick your grunts on me then? Oh whatever, take him away already Looker.

*Next up is Rood at the end of Route 18*
Great, I get to go through the currents on Route 17 again. Why can’t they all be somewhere quick and easy to get to?
*I find him he says a whole lot of nothing and gives me TM32 Double Team*
Almost done...

Zinzolin (what kind of name is that???) is in the Cold Storage. The sliding puzzles aren’t that tough in there at least... Wait, wasn’t this the same guy who was shivering like crazy the last time he was here? Why the hell would he come back? Anyway, he gives his dumb speech and gives me TM01 Hone Claws before getting arrested.

I just thought of something... how does Looker always know when you’ve found one of the sages? You don’t seem to communicate with him... is he... stalking you????

Alright, one last place to go. The Relic Castle. We’re almost done!
*Just before I enter I’m suddenly ambushed by Professor Juniper, who explains about Darmanitan’s Zen mode and the weird connection with RageCandyBars.*
You know, if Zen mode were anything more than a curiosity this might be interesting, but it’s not so bye bye.
*I reach the bottom of the ruins and discover that there are Plasma Grunts waiting for me*
Ah, some more exercise for my Pokemon!
*It turns out to be just one Grunt, and I find Ryoku pretty quickly*
Ah, this one is still looking to help Ghetsis by catching Volcarona eh? But he says he heard Ghesis is gone and so... he gives me a TM04 Calm Mind. I’m not even bothering to question the logic at this point. Oh, and on the way out I find TM26 Earthquake, another TM that’d be great if anything I had could actually use it.

And that’s it, except for my final battle against Alder and the Elite Four. But that can wait until next time! Until then, audios!

END OF CHAPTER SUMMARY:

Badges: 8
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 9 (None this chapter, though I came ungodly close)
Location: Lacunosa Town

Felix the Liepard

Level 67 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Sucker Punch
Night Slash
Cut
Return

Healfodder the Escavalier

Level 67 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Metal Coat – Gender: Female
Moves:
Iron Head
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
X-Scissor

Macho the Sharpedo

Level 67 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Expert Belt – Gender: Male
Moves:
Waterfall
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Acrophobia the Swanna

Level 67– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Surf
Fly
Return
Tailwind

Random the Snorlax

Level 67– Ability: Thick Fat – Nature: Impish – Item: Amulet Coin – Gender: Male
Moves:
Metronome
Rock Slide
Focus Blast
Body Slam

Damaged the Lucario:

Level 67 – Ability: Steadfast – Nature: Brave – Item: None – Gender: Male
Moves:
Swords Dance
Force Palm
Rock Tomb
Bulldoze

Alright, it’s time. First things first though; I need to prepare. A whole crapload of Battle items and Revives mostly. I’ll need them for my trickier solos.
*Way more battle and healing items than I am ever likely to use later*
Alright, it’s go time!

Ok, I’ve decided to get it over with quickly and get Damaged’s solo of Marshal out of the way first. From what I can tell, it’s going to be even rougher than last time, mostly because he leads with his Breloom, which has both Mach Punch and Sky-Uppercut as well as Spore, which makes PP stalling his moves a ridiculous notion. I’ll have to go in, attack, faint, revive and repeat until he finally goes down. Then I can hopefully set up against one of his other Pokemon. His Sturdy Sawk now has Close Combat too, making X-Defends necessary if I hope to win. All in all, I’m not truly convinced this is even fully possible, but I have to try.
*First off I roll a 3, meaning Rock Tomb is blocked off*
Good good. Now, let’s see how much I can do before Damaged gets knocked out or put to sleep.
*Just short of half health it would seem. Amazingly, he survives the Sky-Uppercut*
Damn, another few HP... looks like I’m going to have to wade my way through some full restores...
*It finishes Damaged off with a Mach Punch, so I send in Acrophobia while I heal*
Alright good goo- I just realized I forgot to replace their HM moves with more appropriate moves. Fuck, Felix and Acrophobia won’t be at their best now... Whatever, issue at hand.
*To my horror, instead of using Grass Knot the Breloom continues to use Sky-uppercut as I heal Damaged*
Well this complicates matters... I don’t know how I’m going to switch back in. Let’s see... Sky-uppercut has 15 PP. I have lots of healing items... Well I think I know what I have to do.
*4 sky uppercuts, 5 sky uppercuts, 6, 7, a Spore, 8, 9, 10, 11, 2 spores, 12, 13, 14, 15, 3 Spores just to be sure...*
Alright, should be able to switch in safely now...
*Switches into a Mach Punch, which isn’t even a 2HKO*
Perfect... I think I might boost on this after all.
*I start boosting defense, speed and attack, being wary of critical hits*
Have to be careful. If Damaged takes a critical Mach Punch at any less than full health... well best not to think too hard on it.
*After many turns of careful boosting and healing, Damaged is at +4 Defense, +2 Speed and +6 attack*
Alright, that should be enough. Time to sweep!
*Breloom is obliterated by Force Palm, bringing out his Mienshao*
ha, I outspeed you so you’re doomed!
*Fake out, Steadfast raises Speed at the cost of like 4 hp*
Ok, now I REALLY outspeed you.
*Mienshao is obliterated, bringing out Sawk*
Yes... quite worried about this one. A crit would do me in. just have to hope...
*No crit, Sawk gets healed a couple times afterwards but it only delays the inevitable*
Alright, almost there.
*Throh is next, gets no chance to move*
Was worried even at +6 I might not KO... good thing it did.
*Toxicroak is demolished by Bulldoze*
Almost done... just Conkeldurr left and if Throh couldn’t take it, Conk can’t either!
*A final Force Palm and it’s done*
Holy crap, I did it! And with only one revive! Oh man, that was way easier than I feared it would be. 3 cheers for steroids!

Ok, so that’s done. Next, I need to do Random’s solo. Unfortunately, he has to solo someone other than Caitlin this time. I don’t think Shauntal is a good idea since he’d have to rely on Rock Slide and she has Golurk, so I’ll have to try my luck with Grimsley. A few boosting items *should* make this a piece of cake... I hope. I should be able to set up on his Sharpedo, and after that I shouldn’t have any trouble. Except his Bisharp has Guilloteen, so I think one Rare Candy is in order to prevent stupid BS hax.
*He leads with his Sharpedo as expected*
Alright, my first hurdle is that I need to use Metronome at the start of the battle, and that could screw me up if I OHKO his Sharpedo. If it goes down I’ll have to deal with his Scrafty instead, and that will make this much more challenging.
*Thankfully it draws Safeguard, and Waterfall does pretty minimal damage*
Alright, that’s my go-ahead to set up. I’ll be setting up some X-Defends, and some X-attacks as you’d expect, but also some X-Accuracies and Specials, particularly for Bisharp who resists all of Random’s moves except Focus Blast. This shouldn’t take too long...
*I carefully set up, taking into account the possibility of a crit, and eventually Random has +5 attack, +4 Defense, +3 Special and +2 Accuracy*
There we go, now that I’m done cheesing it it’s time to win this thing.
*Sharpedo falls, then Scrafty, who would probably OHKO with a crit. Next comes his Krookodile, but I’m boosted far enough Intimidate doesn’t matter. Body Slam mashes it too. His Liepard comes out so I take the opportunity to heal before Body Slamming it and his Drapion into oblivion. Finally, his Bisharp comes out and is OHKO’d by Focus Blast*
With X-items and suitable set-up fodder, anything is possible! There we go, that’s the end of the second solo I was worried about.

Next up I’ll battle Shauntal, who should be no trouble at all. I’ll lead with Macho to deal with her Cofagrigus quickly, and after that I’ll let Felix clean up with the help of a single X-attack.
*Macho leads against her Cofagrigus, but doesn’t quite OHKO it with Crunch it then proceeds to nearly OHKO him back with Energy Ball*
Fucking Really? Goddamit, now she’s going to heal it... I’ll just have to weaken it enough for Felix to finish it off...
*it KO’s Macho with a sliver of its own health left, meaning another Full Restore is likely incoming*
Well I guess I’ll take the opportunity to boost...
*Instead it attacks with Energy ball, doing almost half health to Felix*
Fucking... I hope 1 X-attack is enough, because it doesn’t look like I’m going to be getting many more boosts.
*I just now notice that Felix actually does have Grass Knot, just as Golurk comes out*
Oh, would you look at that. But at +1, I think I’ll actually do more with Night Slash anyway.
*It OHKOs, brining out her Jellicent*
Now this one I wish I was so sure of. It only has attacking moves so I’ll go for Sucker Punch. I just hope it’s enough...
*It is, and Felix gets to continue his rampage against her Froslass*
Alright good stuff! I just hope Felix is faster, she might not be- oh wait, that’s right, Sucker Punch!
*Sucker Punch easily OHKO’s, and her Drifblim comes out next*
Well I don’t see any reason to stop with it.
*Sucker Punch OHKOs again*
And now her Chandelure... well no need to use up any more Sucker Punch PP on this one.
*And with that Felix completes his second sweep of Shauntal*
And there we go! Just Caitlin next then.

Caitlin is up next, and she’s actually proving to be somewhat intimidating with her Steel/Psychic types. They’ll be tricking to defeat without a Fire type, but I’m sure I can manage. Really, Healfodder should make mincemeat of her team, though due to her restriction I’ll have to save her for Metagross.
*I lead with Macho against her Musharna*
A single Crunch should make short work of it, I hope.
*To my surprise she switches it out for her Reuniclus, but it fares no better than Musharna would have. Her Gothitelle comes out next*
Her Gothitelle is equipped with Thunderbolt, but no fighting attacks. Sounds like a job for Random!
*Random comes in and takes pitiful damage from Gothitelle’s attacks, but gets confused before he can use a real attack after Metronome pulls Fire Pledge*
Cmon now, this is no time for hax!
*Random seems to hear me and snaps out of confusion, paralyzing Gothitelle with Body Slam, allowing him and easy KO the next turn. Her Metagross comes out to replace it*
Alright there we go. Metagross can’t really scratch Healfodder, so it’s time for her to shine.
*Healfodder switches into Giga Impact, which does more damage than expected, though still much to little to be of concern*
Alright, now to whittle this sucker down to size with X-Scissor!
*X-Scissor is a 3HKO, more with Full Restores and Earthquake does significant damage. Still, Healfodder wins with a little healing of her own.*
Alright, now my only real concern is that Bronzong of hers. First though, it seems I must deal with her Sigilyph. I decide to use Healfodder as healfodder for Random so I can use her again later if need be, but switch to Macho for the KO on Sigilyph.
*Crunch is an easy OHKO, and that Bronzong comes out*
I’ll keep Macho in for a Waterfall. I just hope Charge Beam doesn’t end up turning this thing into a Juggernaut.
*Waterfall does less than a third of its health, but Charge beam misses*
Alright then... well Healfodder resists all its moves except the very weak charge beam so... I guess I’ll heal her up.
*1 Max revive later, Healfodder is up. Charge beam does its job this time though and raises Bronzong’s stats*
Alright, I think it’s sacking time again. Maybe I can get a freeze with Ice Fang if I’m lucky...
*no such luck, and Macho is KO’d by another Charge beam. With Bronzong at +2 things are looking a little dicey*
No worries no worries... X-Scissor should finish it off quickly... I hope...
*Astoundingly, Bronzong survives with a sliver of HP so small you can hardly see it. Thankfully, Psychic does not seem to be doing much damage to her yet.*
Maybe she won’t heal it...?
*And to my surprise, she doesn’t!*
Well that’s a stroke of luck. Just her Musharna next, and that’s mono-psychic so it can’t scratch Felix. This battle is won.
*Felix switches in and 2HKOs with Night Slash, dodging two Hypnosis attacks along the way*
There we go, that avoided a fair bit of annoyance too. Victory is mine! Though I still have my biggest challenge yet to come...

Alder is next up, and he’s not looking to be a pushover. Acrophobia should handle his Accelgor easily enough, but after that is where the trouble begins. His other Pokemon are looking to be very hard to beat. I need to solo one of his POkemon with Metronome, but for once that’s looking to be the easiest part of the fight; his Vanilluxe is practically designed for it. I just hope I can find a way to handle the rest of his Pokemon.
*He leads off with his Accelgor, which should be no match for Acrophobia*
Just have to use Surf until it goes down. That’ll make it so Me First is useless, and his best option is Energy Ball.
*He just uses Me First, though his Surf does much more than I expected, it still gets 2HKO’d and Acrophobia is left standing*
And now comes his goddamn Bouffalant. I know I can’t OHKO it with anything, but I have a plan. Unfortunately, it involves sacking Acrophobia.
*I have Acrophobia use Surf on it. He is KO’d by Stone Edge as expected and I send Damaged in*
Damaged won’t last for more than one turn with it having Earthquake, but hopefully that’ll be all he needs to KO with Force Palm. Thank god he forgot Bulldoze this round instead of that. I just hope it’s powerful enough... Bouffalant is stunningly bulky, and even with around a third of its health gone it could live.
*To my horror, it is not powerful enough to OHKO it. To my relief Damaged is not OHKO’d either though*
Whew... alright, it’s in the red so I should be able to take it out as he tries and heals it. I just hope that I’m right and Force Palm IS a 2HKO, not a 3HKO.
*Sure enough I am able to 2HKO it after Alder attempts to heal it. He sends out his Volcarona next*
Alright, I’m in a good position here. Rock Tomb might well OHKO, or at least do some serious damage. I don’t outspeed but this way if he decides to Quiver Dance he gets punished for it. If he Overheats, then good for that too, it means Random has an even better chance at walling it.
*It opts for the Overheat, and Random comes in on Damaged’s heels*
One turn for Metronome and hopefully I can immediately OHKO with Rock Slide afterwards.
*It Quiver Dances as Metronome pulls Fury Cutter, which obviously does nothing. It boosts again the next turn, and gets OHKO’d by Rock Slide for its trouble*
Perfect, all according to plan. His Druddigon is out next, so that means it’s time for Healfodder to hit the stage again. She resists all its moves except Superpower, and THAT will lower its stats and make it easier to kill.
*Healfodder switches into a Night Slash, then Tanks an Outrage while 2HKOing it back with Iron Head. He sends in his own Escavalier to replace it, and now Healfodder is at very low health*
Another tricky one. Acrophobia is my best bet here, resisting most of his moves. I’ll sack Healfodder for a Max Revive on Acrophobia, who *should* be able to take it down by attack its weaker special side with Surf. If it dares use Giga Impact, well, the Recharge turn should give me the advantage I need.
*It goes as planned and Acrophobia comes in at full health. Surf 3HKOs, but Giga Impact takes Acrophobia out before he can finish it*
Ok then, I’ll just have Macho Waterfall you into oblivion then. It’s at low enough HP that it should KO.
*Sure enough it does, and his final Pokemon, Vanilluxe hits the stage*
Alright, time for Metronome shenanigans! I got a few PP restoring items, and I might need them seeing as Vanilluxe has Acid Armor and Light Screen.
*It gets right to boosting its defenses, and has a boost in each before Random gets off his first attack, and Extrasensory that hardly scratches it.
Well I might not hit it hard, but it can’t scratch me back either. And I have a LOT more healing items than he does! If I have to, I’ll struggle the damn thing to death!
*Metronome Pulls Hammer arm next, which actually does very little damage to it at +4 defense*
And it’s looking like I might have to...
*Thundershock is pulled next... and then it gets a critical hit Blizzard that also freezes him*
... Wow. I’m not sure it’s possible to have more hax in a single turn. Anyway, not an issue since I’m carrying over two dozen Full Restores... I also have X-Sp. Defs should Flash Cannon lower it.
*Wing Attack, Role Play (shit there goes Thick Fat), Fling (I had better get that Amulet Coin back), Guillotine (misses of course, though it could have worked), Amnesia (right after having my Sp.Def lowered, cool!), Confuse Ray, Growth, SHELL SMASH, Twinneedle (poisons), and finishes it off with a +3 Tri-Attack*
Ok, I have to say that was much cooler than my metronome fight with Ghetsis’ Seismitoad. And that’s the end of it too! All there’s left to do is sit back and watch the Hall of Fame and then the credits.

Yes, I’m finally finished! I don’t think I’ll be bothering with Cynthia or what’s-his-name-game-developer-guy. I’ve done enough and I got newer and bigger things to move onto soon. I have something new and hopefully exciting planned for my next playthrough of a Pokemon game, though you’ll have to wait a month or two to find out what it is. Until then... audios!

END OF GAME SUMMARY:

Badges: 8
Pokemon: 6
Resets: 9
Note: I won’t be organizing my team from MVP to LVP this time because they all really kind of sucked at various points and I don’t feel like trying to order them when the order is so muddled. Instead, I’ll just give my general impressions of their performances over the course of the game.

Felix the Liepard

Level 74 – Ability: Limber – Nature: Docile – Item: Black Glasses – Gender: Male
Moves:
Sucker Punch
Night Slash
Grass Knot
Return

While I might not want to order everyone this time around, it’s pretty clear that Felix was my overall LVP for the game. Not once during the story was he particularly useful; even immediately after evolving he was still overshadowed by his allies. Assist was a massive pain at the beginning, and even after that restriction got slowly lifted he still failed to do much due to low power and bulk. His typing wasn’t particularly useful to me either, not when I had Macho around. Weirdly though, all this would change every time I got to the Pokemon League, where his typing and ability to use a Dark-type move more than once in a row suddenly became very valuable due to all the Pokemon weak to it. So there is that I guess.

Healfodder the Escavalier

Level 73 – Ability: Shed Skin – Nature: Rash – Item: Metal Coat – Gender: Female
Moves:
Iron Head
Bug Buzz
Headbutt
X-Scissor

Healfodder, on the other hand, was consistently useful, at least, after she evolved anyway. Before that she rather sucked, but it didn’t feel like that period lasted very long and once she did evolve she became one of the most vital members of my team. Her unique and extensive set of resistances made her my go-to Pokemon for heavy hitting foes, and even though she was very slow her bulk made up for it. Her biggest downfall was definitely her restriction that limited her to special attacks after KOing a foe. While early on Bug Buzz was still powerful enough that it didn’t matter, by the time I made it Brycen it’s power just fell off the map. This forced me to use her very strategically in trainer battles in order to save her for when I most needed her. If I had been able to use her to her full potential more often, I feel this might have been a much easier run.

Macho the Sharpedo

Level 73 – Ability: Rough Skin – Nature: Hasty – Item: Expert Belt – Gender: Male
Moves:
Waterfall
Ice Fang
Return
Crunch

Macho was a true glass cannon. He hit hard and fast but damn, can he ever not take a hit. Thankfully, his power was usually just enough to ensure that most foes never got a chance to touch him. Being limited to only using an attack once per a time being switched in really did prove restricting though, making him much less useful in extended fights. It also made bulky foes with sources of recovery a pain, since sometimes he couldn’t finish them off due to being forced to use less effective attacks. Still, his good speed, power and coverage made him invaluable in many circumstances.

Acrophobia the Swanna

Level 73– Ability: Big Pecks – Nature: Brave – Item: Mystic Water – Gender: Male
Moves:
Surf
Fly
Return
Tailwind

The best word to describe Acrophobia would be “reliable”. While never amazingly bulky or powerful, I could always count on him to deal with the foes I needed him to deal with, something I can’t honestly say I was ever sure of with any of the other members of my team. Not being able to use Flying-type moves and only having access to special Water-type moves did limit his power, and his bulk wasn`t amazing, but when I needed the resistances and immunities granted by his flying typing or to be able to strike reliably with water, he was always there and got the job done. Outside of these situations though, he could be a bit underwhelming and as such frequently got benched. Oh, and he seemed forever cursed to miss out on KOs on Electric-types. Those bastards almost always got him when they showed up unexpectedly.

King Serperior said:

Jinzha, I will let you try Simon(if male)/Sally(if Female) the very simple Togepi.

This Togepi is so simplistic that you only have three restrictions :D

1). Keep Metronome at all times! Why do you do this? Well, Metronome is Togepi's "Signature" move......right?

2). Always solo your Rival's Zubat/Golbat using only Metronome bacause such a cute little egg-mon has to defeat the evil bat!!

3). You may evolve Togepi when you solo 2 gym leader Pokemon using only Metronome. The catch is that they must come from different gyms.

Simple and easy. I hope that you enjoy :)

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Comments about Simon/Sally: Really liking this one, metronome will be a lot of fun.

Treadshot A1 said:

Jinzha, take Captain the Scyther.

Normally my nautical sycther are generally difficult challenges, but since Captian is a freaking captain, he come swith only these restrictions:

1) For every item you use (at any time, in any place), you must throw out 5 items at the next possible opportunity.

2) Make sure Captain has Swarn, NOT Technician.

3) Only use moves that would be boosted by Technician (if it had it, but it doesn't so you're stuck with weak moves) while Swarm is active.

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Comments about Captain: I looove Scythers, gonna be fun to use one again.

EndQuote said:

Jinzha, for an easy challenge, you get Snap the Totodile.
This Totodile's only restriction is that he must learn and keep Flail, and use it whenever he drops below half health.

Good luck!

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Comments about Snap: Looks very easy, but I'm expecting this guy to be quite annoying to use.

AOPSUser said:

Jinzha, for a really easy challenge, take Ninja'd the Electrode. Electrode is the 5th fastest Pokemon, after Deoxys, Deoxys-A, Ninjask, and Deoxys-S. Therefore, it wants to live up to that reputation. If ever you do not outrun a Pokemon, you must solo that Pokemon.

Solo All Kanto Gyms Brock. If you can't do that, solo Red.

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Comments about Ninja: I've never used Electrode at all, so this will be a fun challenge, especially when facing Brock or even Red *shiver*.

user 18 said:

I'll do a Pidgey for Jinzha

1) Must learn and keep fly ASAP
2) Must participate in every double battle you are in
3) Must know at least one move that does note deal damage

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Comments about Jenny: Very basic pokemon, I'll hopefully like her.

auramaster said:

@jinzha, take a Houndour named Reaper. This Houndour, in case you couldn't tell just by looking at it, is evil and is all about death and destruction. How he ended up on your team...that's for you to figure out. Anyway, your typical pure evil being doesn't have much depth, and are very predictable since they have a one-track mind, so when Reaper attacks, he is choice-locked and must keep using the same attack or switch out. Also, he does not fear death and refuses to let his victims get away easily, so once he is switched in, he cannot be switched out or healed until the opposing wild Pokemon/trainer is defeated, or he faints.

Finally, as the incarnation of death and destruction, he must know at least 3 Dark/Fire moves. Have fun :)

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Comments about Reaper: He'll be a cool addition to the team when I reach Kanto.